I couldn't breathe, I didn't go out. I was afraid I would embarrass my husband or not keep up with my friends. Traveling was horrible, I always worried about if I would fit somewhere or if I was too heavy for anything. I love myself, and I love who I am. Some of what I love I think I wouldn't have had I gone through life at a normal weight. So I take the good with the bad. I have some terrible self esteem issues and self image issues. The language I use with myself even now is so negative sometimes that I have to stop myself and start over.
So, on or around the week preceding June 2nd 2014 my close knit group of friends were talking about weight loss. They wanted to get fit, and they were talking about using each other as support. At first I balked. I just knew somehow I would never make up the road that I had lost so many years before. I felt so ashamed and so worthless. I thought it didn't matter, as though I'd had and squandered my only chance to be healthy.
One of the other holdouts in my group finally gave in and she said she's start tomorrow. I read her sentence and something came over me. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the lifetime of tomorrows that I had let slip through my fingers. Maybe it was knowing that if I stayed in the mindset I was in, it would always be tomorrow and never today. I knew it needed to be today. So I joined them, right there in the moment.
I went back to Weight Watchers for a meeting on June 2nd 2014, and as of this past Monday I weighed 322.4. Total loss so far: 137.6
I am going all of the way this time!
I am going to revamp my blog here, I have so much to talk about, and at least 162.4 pounds left to lose.
I've already renamed the blog appropriately. I will probably post once a week this time around, as my life so so very busy these days and I feel like I can commit to that.