The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Day 37 - 44

I'm back!

Well, I never really left. I just worked my butt off for a convention and went right from that into babysitting for a week while friends went to another convention. My whole body is still sore from all of the work we did, and I'm still short on sleep. Putting my feet on the floor on Monday morning was horrible. 

My food has really suffered and I haven't yet come out of what feels like a tail spin. I guess this is me checking my controls and getting myself back up in the air. I'm going to be starting tracking again tomorrow and I even went to my meeting on Monday. So I really haven't given up or quit. Just bear with me through this.

I went to my first therapy session this past Tuesday too. I'm taking big steps here, I just still feel like a broken cog in a giant wheel that doesn't actually need me. She told me that she thinks I am a sponge. I absorb everyone elses "stuff" and take a back seat in my own life. She said that I take one back seat after another until I'm not even on the bus anymore...and THAT, that made me cry. It's so true. I wonder if I am dealing with how much I hate myself by trying to make myself important to other people. Not that I can't be taken advantage of in my kindness, but perhaps I have a real problem. She didn't say that, or allude to anything like that but she did say that she thinks there is a "thing" in me somewhere with my self esteem. 

Therapy is hard, guys. I've only been to one session and I'm a little intimidated. I wonder if I am giving an accurate representation of my life, or if I'm clouding everything because I'm nervous and afraid of being judged. My therapist isn't going to judge me...I mean, well she is, but not in the way I'm afraid of. 

Good and bad week, right?

Please God, just let me get my act together already. I need to move on.

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