Day 30

So my physical went well enough.

Everything seems fine. I had a pap smear, and blood work and I got a prescription for birth control. Ocella same as before. It's what I wanted.

I am both excited and saddened. I am excited because I know how much better being on birth control actually makes me feel. I am saddened because it feels like one more nail in the coffin that I've been so reluctant to shut even for a time.

I have friends telling me that it "looks unlikely" that I will ever have children, as if hearing it so frankly somehow helps me to accept it as a fact and find closure. I don't know if that is ever going to get any easier, and I don't think I can apologize for it. I shouldn't have to. If my pain makes someone uncomfortable that isn't on me. At that point it isn't even about me. I mean good GOD. If I sit down to watch a movie with people and infertility is mentioned I get knowing stares and I get to hear my friends whisper quietly about how this must be affecting me.

I will find closure on this naturally, with my husband in a private setting, and with lots of time and healing.

I'll let you guys know the results of the blood tests etc when they come in. In the mean time I talked to my doctor about Weight Watchers and found that she isn't very fond of the new program. Funnily enough, neither am I. I hate that we are not counting fruit now. I mean I get that fruit being free encourages us to eat more of it in lieu of other things like chips and pastries etc, but fruit still packs a lot of sugar. So my doctor and I decided to give it some time the way that it is and if my weight loss slows or stalls that I should start counting fruit again. Guys, I can eat a lot of fruit. I eat it to feel full. I know I need to get over eating until I am like really full but one hurdle at a time right?

Gym tomorrow, and Saturday or Sunday to make up for today. Also new shoes tomorrow as long as I can afford them! Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Morning
2  sandwich(es) Classics chargrilled chicken sandwich	15
2  packet(s) Dressings & Sauces barbecue sauce	2
1  serving(s) Side Items small fruit cup	0
Subtotal	17
Midday
1  serving(s) avocado ranch	9
1  serving(s) Side Items side salad	2
Subtotal	11
Evening
2  serving(s) Hormel sandwich makers pork bbq	7
1  item(s) thin sandwich bread	3
13  chips New York Style Pita Chips	4
Subtotal	14
Anytime
1  serving(s) sweet potato multigrain bbq chips	3
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1  medium fresh tomato(es)	0
2  serving(s) new york croutons asiago	2
1  oz cooked skinless, boneless chicken breast(s)	1
1  cup(s) uncooked bell pepper(s)	0
2  serving(s) Lite Buffalo Ranch 2tbsp	3
2  cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1/2 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
8  medium uncooked baby carrots	0
1  serving(s) Lemon Greek Yogurt frozen	5
1  serving(s) frosty lemon cookie	3
11  g Hormel Bacon Bits	1
Subtotal	21
Food PointsPlus values total used	63
Food PointsPlus values remaining	4
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0