Day 263

This post will include the first of my restarted food logs. But since I am posting so very early it wont be right now (4pm). I just want to talk about this while it is fresh in my mind.

I took a giant step in the right direction today I think. I know that I am stuck in a rut, I recognize that. I just haven't known what to do about it, and I've been a little afraid. I called my insurance company and I asked about my benefits and I called a therapist. Yikes. It kind of hurts to say that. I feel a little defeated though and mentally I cant seem to get over this hurdle. I know that in some way it is holding me back. I'm not going to dwell too much on this. I know that finding one can take time, and honestly even with my insurance my out of pocket will be astronomical at first. I'm going to take the process slowly and hopefully it will become an asset in the journey here. I'm not falling off of the intended path here so much as slowing my march down to a casual stroll, and I know that battles aren't won that way.

I want this, and I know I haven't been here but I do. I've gotten to a certain point and now I feel stuck. I'm not though, I just need a really good push. Please don't give up on me yet, I'm going to lose the rest of this weight, I am going to succeed. I've just got to get back to square, and whatever that means, I'm going to do it. I know some people just focus on the physical but I cant. I'm not saying that there is some terrifying underlying reason for why I swelled up over 400 pounds but I am saying that even if there are no reasons for the gain or for being okay with it for so long there is bound to be some scarring.

I'm working through it.


As Promised:

Today:
1 cup soup: 5
1 ww ice cream (it was really hot in here): 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving peanut butter: 2
2 servings jam: 3
1 serving triscuits: 2
1 huge serving lettuce: 0
1 cup chopped fresh veg: 0
2 oz chicken breast: 2
2 servings dressing: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
2 breaded wings: 7
1 serving cheesy chicken spaghetti: 7
Total: 38/38

Day 259 - 262

So I am still here! I am trying to put everything back together. I haven't made too much in the way of progress for the gym, but I did finally start tracking again like I am supposed to, which is helping me eat the right things. I also should be able to start Zumba tomorrow night baring anymore emergencies. My whole life feels like it has gone haywire since we moved. I feel like everything has been trying so hard to spiral out of control! This weekend I think will be pretty slow for us, so I think it might just be the relaxation we need. Chad wants to fix the car, so I am going to make a cold pitcher of crystal light and keep him company while he does that, and then the two of us might take a trip to one of the state parks near here for a hike. I cant believe that I might take a hike. For fun. That hasn't really ever been an option for me before.

So I am going to add my food log back to my journal posts... I hope that doesn't bore you all! I have been thinking about it for a while and it really helps keep me in line when I have to report all of my food at the end of the day. Its hard to say that because everyone wants to think they get past the point of needing that kind of back up, but I'd rather take it than gain back any weight.

So in the time it has taken me to type this I have gotten two calls asking for me to A. Take someones cat to the vet tomorrow morning and B. Go to someones house RIGHT now and check to see if they turned the stove off because they are at work. Yes, this is my life and it is like this all of the time, and for all of the stress I wouldn't trade it for the world. :)

Food log sometime later tonight!

Day 258

Do you ever get tired of telling every one that you are having a bad time of it? I certainly do. I feel this intense need to tell everyone about this week because I really feel shaken a little bit. Okay, maybe more than that. You know how when you are doing something as life changing as losing weight you sometimes learn some things about yourself. Sometimes they hurt, but sometimes they are also helpful. I'm not sure how much I should dwell on this past week. I know I let myself lose my footing pretty bad this week. I'm going to talk about it

A close friend of mine recently discovered that she was pregnant, and I kinda broke down. It isn't anyones fault, especially not hers. I know that I am on the right path, and that I am doing this the way that I need to. Its just really hard to wait, and work so hard and not know what the outcome is going to be. I can't control fate/God/mother nature. I can only control my actions, and my choices. I just never expect this particular issue to hit me so hard. It knocked the wind out of me. I felt and still feel a little like I am grieving for something. It isn't all bad to be so sorely tried though. You learn your strengths.

My cat being sick is stressing me the most right now. He has a blockage in his urinary tract, This is only the 2nd time it has ever happened, and the first time was over 5 years ago. The first time it happened it was pretty bad. I took him to the emergency vet in the middle of the night and for a few days they wouldn't tell me if he was going to live or not. They kept him for 9 days that time. This time though my regular vet says the prognosis is good, and that hopefully I will be able to take him home by Monday. The money is stressing me out here too, but I would make the same choice over and over.

The rest of it, the cars the possible bed bugs, the stolen bank card and my husbands absolutely last minute trip out of state are just things that either keep me up at night (bedbugs) or make me really really frustrated, and sometimes (I'm not so ashamed to say) angry.

I had a really great Saturday though. A friend of mine wanted to go to the zoo for her birthday. It was the Baltimore Zoo and not the DC Zoo (which is much bigger), but I walked the whole think with friends, and kept up without getting winded or to tired or pained. I was so proud of myself that I could have exploded into shards of sunshine. My reward? A sunburn!

I did not go to my meeting as there was no one to take me. I could have asked a friend, but this is the same friend who is dealing with just finding out she is pregnant and who took me grocery shopping. I just didn't want to impose too much.

Today is another day, and the journey goes on. Hopefully I wont being dragging behind this week! Hopefully tomorrow something will give...like getting my cat back and some of the constant stress I am feeling will lift. So don't worry too much about me. After all these years there isn't any "give up" left in me for this. All I've got left is "go".

Now it is 4:30am and I am still waiting for my husband to get home. See you tomorrow.

Day 254 - 257

I just wanted to make a quick update to say sorry for the absence and that I'd be back to explain it all tomorrow. I have had a very very bad week life wise (Things I will be talking about tomorrow: Mom in California, my car broken down, Mom's car with suspended tags, husband in Connecticut very last minute, possible freaking bed bugs (which is keeping me awake all night long), someone stealing my bank card, a pregnant friend bringing forth (not her fault) some very strong feelings of grief and my cat taking a turn for the worst. If I get to take him home on Monday it will cost me at least $700, more if he needs to stay later, which means no vacation for us which was planned for a little more than a week from now.. All in one week. I tell you, I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted right now that I feel like I might finally sleep tonight. ) and my whole journey has suffered for it. Again, my motto is always never give up, and so I wont. I promise.

Day 251, 252, 253

I lost two lbs this week bringing my total loss so far to 88.8 lbs!

This weekend someone very close to me received some life changing (in a good way) news, and I have been a touch preoccupied since then. Plus my cat is very sick (the one who tried to kill my laptop), and I'm a bit depressed about that. Actually this week so far, with the exception of the weight loss and the fact that my husband took a few days off to be with me, has sucked. I feel a little withdrawn. I'm working on it though.

I was supposed to start a zumba class tonight with some friends but I didn't get home from the vet until it was too late. Oh well though, I will get to go as classes go on pretty constantly, and its really great because it is pay as you go and only 5 bucks per class!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I am getting back to it! I went to the gym twice despite this being a slasher week.
2. I again am getting better but I'm still a work in progress.
3. I went to my meeting!
4. Totally checking in right now! (late sorry!)
5. 8 (?) weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that I am still growing up. I like that sometimes it occurs to me that something I've just done or said or thought is more adult than I expected. It's nice to surprise yourself because honestly? I'm 27, and I still feel 23, or even 18. There are vast differences in experience and lifestyle but I'm still me. The adult moments are nice though. They even consist of making good choices in food and exercise, as the 18 year old me would have quit and gone for chinese months ago. This past weekend I let my self be tested sorely, and while I gave a little, I didn't give up. Life goes on, and I'm growing to go with it.

My husband and I have done some talking too and we both think we are way too lax on Sundays after weigh in. We are letting too much go, and it is stressing me out. So we are both recommitting to the quest, which really just consists of tightening our reigns...

Day 250

Two hundred and fifty days. That is a long time for me. It is the longest I've ever kept at loosing weight before in my life. As a reward I'm given the most weight I've ever lost before, and a whole boatload of non scale victories such as: walking without pain. I wont say I've spent 250 days on plan. That would not be true, and at this point while I do not think its impossible to do, I do think its an awfully high bar to set for someone who really wants to get through the day/week/month/year. If it broke my stride to have an off day every once in a while I would not be here typing this right now. I would have given up a long time ago. I want everyone to remember that. Remember that goals are things to aspire to, and not be defeated by. Tony posted that May was a bad month for dieters, and while I don't know as much he may well be right. We do tend to lose focus and drive when we realize that things are not progressing as quickly or as well as we want them to. I will give you the one thing I know (I think, don't be mad at me for making this statement!) works for every dieter I know: Keep going. Do not stop for missteps or mistakes or for days off. Keep going even when you really really don't want to. Never stop telling yourself that you are on a diet (or whatever you want to call it) because the moment you do you are setting yourself up for quitting.

I know I keep pushing the above point, but it really is what is making the difference to me right now. It is what separates this journey from all of the other little walks I've taken toward the same outcome.

I realized another NSV today! My husband bought me a pair of jeans (that I wanted so badly) two years ago from a certain store for Christmas. They are a size 26, cut very small. I have been wearing some 26's for a while and unable to get these pants up over my thighs. Tonight while getting dressed to go out I tried them on again and not only do they fit, I can take them off without unbuttoning them!

Tomorrow is weigh in and I am finally dragging a friend to the meeting! Wish me luck!

Day 249

This is me at the gym today.

That's right ladies and gentlemen! I went to the gym today, while the monthly slasher was here! I did my cardio and my full circuit. I wear sweat pants and a long sleeved t-shirt to the gym. People look at me like I'm nuts sometimes, especially right now because it was so hot in Baltimore today. I don't wear the long sleeves to cover up so much. I have worn tank tops to the gym before, I'm just more comfortable in these clothes. Why am I talking about this you ask? Because today I realized that I needed new gym pants (which conveniently I didn't think to get into the picture). I stole these from my younger brother a few years ago because they were so comfortable, but they were also so tight. There were days I would have trouble getting them on. These days if I put anything at all in my pockets they are liable to fall off of me. I know, I shouldn't be complaining, but I love these stupid pants. Though honestly nothing really fits me correctly anymore. You know that bra I bought just a few months ago? Too big. All of my underwear? Too big.

This is another NSV and its totally personal, but it is so relevant and it made me stop in shock today while I was washing my body in the shower. I can now reach every single part of my body. The whole thing. I can reach every inch with my soapy rag for the first time in many, many years. Isn't that worth skipping the drive thru? Lets keep them going? I can now get out of bed on the first try, with little to no pain at all. I fit in most (if not all) seat belts in cars now, I no longer have to explain to friends that I need the front seat because I am too fat to sit in the back. The seat belt thing? That was a big one on my list. I fit in movie theatre seats again!

So far so good. I have been sticking to my guns, and since Wednesday my food has been killer. All of my veggies are in and my points are back under control. I'm feeling pretty confident again.

I know a bunch of new people are reading now, and so welcome! If I do not have your blog listed on the side and you want it there, comment here with your blog and I will add you! We can all use the support.

Oh, and by the way: HP fixed my laptop for free, I am posting this with my lovely machine right now!