Day 338

Sorry this is late!

I have been experiencing something that I usually only get once a month with the slasher for quite a while now. I am either sick with the stomach flu (can you have the stomach flu without a fever or vomiting?), hormone level issues, stress, or my body is still adjusting to eating good foods again. Either way it has meant that I have not been able to stray far from the bathroom. Not pleasant. Though I suppose that if my body is adjusting back or detoxing or something that might be good?

Today:
3/4 cup of rice: 3
w sauce: 3
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 avocado: 6 (I wanted it!)
1 serving light ranch dressing: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
tortilla strips: 2
2 servings wheat pasta: 8
1 serving sauce: 1
1 plum (less than one point!): 1
1 lara bar: 2
1 serving bubble up enchilada casserole: 6
1 ear of corn: 1
1 serving light sour cream: 1
1/2 serving light margarine: 1
1 piece of chocolate: 2
38/38 + 3/22

Day 337

Still here, still going on.

I haven't made it back to the gym yet, despite wanting to. I feel like I am stuck and I don't quite know how to get moving again. I'm not gaining, so don't panic. I'm still on plan. I'm just not doing as well as before and I'm not losing.

I have an appointment to see my obgyn this month and 2 more to recheck my triglycerides. I feel like I'm coming to a cross roads here. I need one more year on birth control. I need it. Emotionally I cant handle this battle and the one that drives me to have kids at the same time. Now this will only be the end of my first year ever (in my life) on birth control, but now I'm wondering if it isn't what is elevating my triglycerides (research).

I'm also dealing with (still) the emotional fallout (all of my own doing) from everyone around me having babies or getting pregnant. It is way to easy to forget that it could happen, and that I am actively preventing now in order to make it more likely later. Its easy to trip and fall into that dark hole. I find myself needing to pull away socially in certain situations. I know, I know. I need to get up and stop crying and run towards my dreams and goals instead of whining about it and letting it get away from me.

What am I doing? I can not tell you how many times in the last few weeks this has been the thought in the front of my mind. I need to kick my own but into gym gear. Into commitment gear. I haven't given up, but dang have I ever let some of the direction go. Here I am looking in the mirror again, but now things have changed and the picture is feeling kind of fuzzy.

I've said it a million times, but don't give up on me. I am determined to lose the rest of my weight, and my burden. I'm not taking my time on purpose. I think that its just life.

Today:
1 homemade burger w cheese no bun: 6
sauted onions and peppers: 1
1 waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 1/2 servings cheddar rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 banana: 2
1 cup watermelon: 1
1 cup rice: 4
1 serving sauted green beans with peppers and onions: 1
1 serving crock pot cantonese pork: 7
1/2 serving dinner (pork, greenbeans, and rice): 7
38/38 + 1/23 (used some this week)

Day 333, 334

Day 333 was the family reunion. I did well. I wasn't able to track that day, but I watched what I ate. We were there for lunch and dinner, and the single healthy option available was a veggie tray. Carrots, broccoli and cauliflower. I did alright though. I kept my portions small and I only ate twice. A few hours apart.

Today there was no meeting for me. No because I don't want to know what I weigh, but because I had to be somewhere at 10am, and I have been going all day until now. I had planned to miss this one. I am going to my meeting next week though. Hopefully this past week will be the last of the super busy weeks for a while. I am also returning to the gym this week! It is time.

In any case I haven't gotten more than 7 hours of sleep total in the past 2 days and I'm not up to a long post. My eyes are burning.

Today:
1/2 subway sandwich: 7
1 serving sunchips: 3
3 meatballs: 5
tastes of food (literally tastes) at a Tastefully Simple party: 5
dinner out with Chad (to the best of my knowledge using WW online and calorie king): 15
35/38

Now that being on plan is getting easier I am going back to basics again. I find that the simplicity and repetitive nature of WW really helps refocus my motivation.

Wish me luck. I'm getting back, just a little slowly. I need it to be right and I need it to be long term, not perfect.

Day 332

This is going to be short tonight because I am incredibly tired. I'm trying to readjust back to my old sleeping schedule because while I was working I was working a completely different one. So now I feel like if I closed my eyes I'd drop.

I was pretty good today. I did some walking, and stayed on plan all day again. I was out for the bulk of the day with friends, so lunch and dinner we had out as well. I chose salad! This was hard for me. I actually walked the entire food court at the mall like four times before I made my decision. I was fighting with myself. I was hungry. There was so much temptation. I took my butt back to the salad, soup, and wrap place and got some soup and a (huge, huge, huge) salad. Then for dinner I chose salad again... I only ate 3 times today but I was preoccupied with having a good time so I didn't need the snacks to keep me from binging. I also think I got all of my veggies in too.

Today:
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving spicy green beans: 1
1 very large salad for lunch w/ light ranch dressing and grilled chicken: 8
1 cup vegetable soup: 5
1 very large bbq salad: 10
1 piece corn bread: 3
2 pieces chocolate: 2
38/38 + 2/35

Sometimes I think a little mess up can make us incredibly humble.

Day 331

Today was actually quite a good day. I ate on plan all day for the first time in almost 2 weeks. Its a good step in the right direction. Slasher week started Monday, but other than that things are on track. I am feeling a lot better about everything.

I have a family reunion to go to on Saturday. The first one in years for my family. Since my grandfather died I have been feeling very strongly about family. I remember being 17 and feeling like such an outsider. I was the fattest person in my family, and the youngest granddaughter. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed and alone. Today I am looking forward to this reunion. It is the last big thing for this summer, and the first time I have seen many people in my family in over 10 years. In the past 331 days I have committed to saving my own life. I have lost an amazing amount of clothing sizes. I have jogged. I have lost almost 100 pounds. I have also struggled, been setback, gained, lost again, and found new life within myself.

In the past 331 days I lost one of the most influential and important people I have ever loved. I compare myself to my grandfather quite proudly. He was strong, intelligent, and determined. He always thought I was too. I want to live up to that. In the next 331 days I will. I am finding myself looking forward to something that would have scared me in the past, and I am going to win over the food battle that there will definitely be fought there. I said I still had all of the same motivation right? Well then, lets get back to it. I can, and will win this war. I'm dealing with my life and other peoples lives and my feelings and making it work. I know, everyone deals with their lives while also trying to lose weight. This is a personal account though, and I suppose on some level it wouldn't be complete without that part, and I would be lying if I said life was peachy right now.

I know this entry is all over the place! I'm just getting my thoughts out there. I'm trying to hang in there and get back to trotting along where I am supposed to be at the same time.

Getting back on the wagon, again.

Today:
1 coffee w ff cream: 3
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
3 slices cheese: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
2 servings mixed fruit: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 serving doritos: 5
31/38

Day 330

So I know I have been gone long enough to scare some of you, but I have never meant to be away so long. Was I struggling this entire time? Oh yeah, right up until today in fact. However the week that I made that last post was the beginning of a very busy time for me. I know I spoke about Otakon to you guys before and how I run the Art Show there once a year. I've told you all how hard the work there was. Well, this year it wasn't as hard, but I pushed myself harder because of it. My feet were already hurting so badly by Friday night that I could not walk without shoes on! I got there on Wednesday afternoon and left for home on Monday afternoon, and I am finally feeling better today. I am crazy excited that I was able to run around so much more and do so much more of the physical work myself!

Now that is where I have been, but my struggle? It started a while ago. I've been struggling on and off all year now and I'm not sure how to turn it off. I feel like my motivation is just as strong as ever, and I am never going to give up but I seem to have trouble getting my nose back down to the grind stone here. I stopped myself tonight and started questioning myself. Why am I stalling myself? Why am I going out of my way to comfort myself with food when I know even before I do it that I will pay for it emotionally and physically later? I hurt myself and then I hurt myself for hurting myself.

I can't answer these things yet. As far into my journey as I have come and I still can not answer some of the simple why's that everyone else can. This doesn't make me feel shame, but maybe a little bit of fear. I wonder if I will ever get back into the habit without so many slips and falls if I am never able to identify all of the triggers?

We all have these moments...the ones where we question our motives and even our provable progress. I found myself wondering if I even wanted the things I want as bad as I say I do if I cant even stick to this for longer than a week or two without a misstep! But that isn't what this is about is it? It isnt about the roller coaster ride, the size 8, or even the kids I am desperate to have. It is about me winning a battle over control of myself and my destiny. I have a path before me and it's rough. People talk about weight loss in so many ways. Everyone has an opinion about how its done and how hard or easy it is. I think in some ways we decide our own difficulty levels, but I also think that most of us aren't aware of that, and that even if we are we are still capable of catching ourselves unaware.

I'm sure I have set myself back a bit over the last week or two, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet. Like I said before, I wont fail until I decide to. And while I thought long and hard about that this week I know I'm not done yet. Someone commented on my weight loss at con this year and I looked and my husband and I could see just how proud he was of me and then I felt shame. I felt it because I know I can do better than this...and so I will.

Regular updates back tomorrow. Thanks for believing in me guys.

Just a quick note:

To say that I am still here and haven't given up or fallen out of bloggyland. I am having a hard time right now, in more ways than one and this whole week has been full of epic failure. Not that that means the end or anything. If there is one thing I have learned over the past 10 months it is that I will never really fail unless I give up...and I am not. I will be back tomorrow to give you all a full update and to get back on the blog wagon. I need to be blogging every day! I don't care what anyone says, it really really helps me! So please forgive me for my absence and the failures that I plan to tell you about tomorrow night. Don't count me out yet, because who would give up almost 100lbs after less than a week of misbehaving? Not me.