Day 233, 234

Okay guys. I am honestly struggling now. I am not "off the wagon" or anything but I am having a heck of a time "feeling it". I am discouraged because of my own actions and I cant seem to get my head out of the mud (or my butt honestly whichever you think seems more right).

I have had a strange week. I have been busy almost every day this week and unable to go to the gym, but its like I was telling my mom: "I'm feeling incredibly unmotivated and its like life just keeps throwing excuses at me!"

I don't really have any defense other than "something is quite obviously wrong" but even that sounds like a cop out. Something has been wrong for a long time and I've managed until recently! My mom used to tell me when I was younger and was neglecting something that I claimed to be important to me that it "Must not be important enough." That isn't true this time though. It is important. Its getting to me in a big way. I've come so far and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a giant abyss about to jump of the edge.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not ready to give up, and I don't want to give up. I need to get my priorities straight and get back to it. If only it we as easy as just telling myself to do it! Remember when I said I had a habit of sabotaging myself? I meant it, and I feel like what I need is constantly at odds with what I feel like I want at any given moment. Where is the self control and self discipline that I worked so hard at over these last 9 months? It certainly didn't all go to dust at that first stumble.

I will go to the gym tomorrow and I will lose more weight. I don't know what Sunday is going to be like at my weigh in and honestly for the first time in a while, I'm afraid to know. I'm not over my points and haven't been yet, but I wasn't last week either.

I feel at an end here in one way or another. I have to chose to move on and get moving or I am in essence choosing to fail. I will never choose to fail again, so that leaves one outcome. Please bear with me.

This Sunday I am going to sit through the new member portion of the meeting again. Back to basics has worked for me before, so its back to basics I go. I'm being honest here and putting myself out there. I'm telling you guys that the road has gotten hard for me because it helps me leave it behind. It also makes it easier to come back here. I have been dreading this, how to say that I am struggling again, but then maybe I'm just still struggling. Perhaps the whole thing is a struggle? I'm not sure, but I want to keep going the way I was, and leave this weight behind. The fact that I am struggling has been keeping me awake at night, tearing myself apart to find the broken pieces, and that is not healthy. It isn't what I want.

I used to feel guilty for doing so well when other people were struggling. Now I hope someone like me reads this and gets as far along as they can without looking back.

Tonight at karaoke I was getting a refill on my diet soda and this guy randomly comes up behind me and tells me to go with water and lemon. I'm like "okay, but I feel bad sitting here all night taking up room at the bar and drinking nothing." I don't drink very much soda at all. My soda days are Thursdays and generally only at night at karaoke. The rest of the time its crystal light and water. Then he says: "Diet soda is even worse then regular, you should drink water with lemon it will burn the calories right off of you." ...Now he was drunk, and I'm really good at just letting things go, and being rational. This guy has never met me before and doesn't know who I am or what I've done. I was okay then, but sitting here at home thinking about it makes me cry. It makes me feel like the same girl who was sitting in wal-mart wondering if this was the end of her world. It makes me feel like I haven't done anything yet. It makes me feel raw, and it makes me want to come here and get this off of my chest. I will never weigh over 400 lbs again, I do not care how long it takes me to get the rest of this weight off. I will never be that desperate, helpless and sad girl ever again. That dude can seriously stuff his "water with lemon."

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 cup coffee w/cream: 3
2 bites mac and cheese: 1
1 cup mixed veg: 1
1 serving enchilada: 9
1 banana: 2
2 servings ww mac: 7
1 serving spaghetti sauce: 1
1 100 cal pack: 1
AFTER KARAOKE (6 hours later):
2 servings pasta: 7
another serving sauce: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
36/40

I don't usually drink coffee but I was babysitting at an early hour (for me) this morning, and I needed it!

Day 232

I did not go to the gym today in order to take someone to visit a dying loved one. It wasn't planned, and honestly? You cant plan for those things.

I have an appointment in the evening tomorrow so my goal is to get to the gym in the early after noon and go to my appointment sweaty! Oh yeah. But I need to get there.

I started my self re-evaluations today. Number one: I am seriously stressing about something I haven't yet narrowed down. Yeah, I know I always stress, but it doesn't generally keep my from sleeping and recently I've found myself fighting old habits...like I somehow found myself standing in front of the fridge doors open, looking intently inside before I woke up. I used to do that when I was distracted by stress. Food would distract me from it. So I need a way to distract myself from this stress while it works itself out. Two: I seriously need to revisit measuring everything. I don't mean cups and such, I do that generally anyway, but I've gotten lax about the little measurements. Mayo, spices, sauces etc. They count too. And three: I need to go to the gym whether I feel like it or not. Yeah, sometimes life is going to get in the way, but I find myself making excuses more often than I'd like. It doesn't help that I have been feeling less than 100 percent for quite a while now. I feel like this is connected either to changing hormones or stress. Again, I do have a physical coming up. I really need to get to writing down all of the things I wanted to talk to my doctor about.

I also still need to get better about tracking consistently again. It helps me more than I can express and I definitely lose more when I do. No downside, so just do it Ruby!

Ah, the never ending emotional and physical spiral of a weight loss journey. I'm confident about making it to the finish line, but I have a feeling that I am going to be fighting my way there.

Sorry for the short post guys! I am exhausted!

Today:
1 1/2 servings chicken pot pie: 11
1 veg burger: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 bag frozen veggies turned into quick veggie curry: 5
1 serving chips: 4
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving hamburger soup: 7
1 slice cheese: 1
1 fruit bar: 2
40/40 + 1/35

Day 230, 231

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40

Day 227, 228, 229

Today is my weigh in day, but it isn't for another few hours. I was going to save this bulk update for tonight, but I will just make my Day 230 update then. I need to talk about how this week is going.

Bad. My food is pretty good, but my exercise is down, though I went to the gym twice this week. I have not slept since Wednesday night. Thursday was karaoke. I went home after and went to bed. I fell asleep and 2 hours later I woke up and could not go back to sleep. This is turning into a pattern, and it isn't for lack of being tired. I haven't had this much trouble sleeping since way before I got married. Friday I had a lot of cooking to do for a function for that convention I help run. Then tonight (Saturday) was the function/party and I was on my feet for a bunch of it. I should be dead tired right? Yes, I am, but I cant seem to hit the magic button that turns my brain off for the night. I have weigh in and grocery shopping today and I am so non-functional that I'm useless at the moment. I also have a date planned with my husband that I may postpone.

I want to tell you all about how the party's theme was Deep Frying, and how I managed to avoid most of the bad foods, and how different I would have handled the whole thing a year ago, but I cant seem to get the words to come out right today. I'm just tired.

Anyway, please wish me luck energy for weigh in and my day. I need the boost!

Day 226

This week is not going so well on the exercise front. I have been feeling sort of weighed down. It could be the weather, its been a little gloomy here in Baltimore. I haven't been sedentary though. I kinda wanted to talk about that difference in myself here. Not just so you guys can see it, but also so that I can, because I want the proof staring me in the face when I am being wishy-washy about the gym.

At 417.8lbs I could not walk all of the way through the grocery store without a break. I could not stand for the whole time it took me to do my dinner dishes. I could not walk my dogs. I could not sweep my floor, or tote my laundry up and down the stairs. I could not sleep comfortably next to my husband in my own bed. I had trouble putting my own socks and shoes on. Once on a trip the the DC Zoo with friends I cried on my way back to the entrance because I could not breathe and I was in so much pain I wasn't sure I'd make it back. If there was an outing with friends anywhere that meant walking I was likely to back out. Back in March of '09 I could not walk 1/2 of a mile on the track without pain, and I could not do more than 1.8 on a treadmill for longer than 10 minutes.

These days, despite my occasional bouts of laziness I can do most of the above quite well. And while I have not been back to the DC Zoo recently I am planning to go back. I can clean my house by myself and dance intermittently (which I did today) while doing so! I can put my shoes and socks on with almost no trouble, and I randomly walk my dogs (not so often as they are all well over 60lbs and the small one has pulled me right out of my shoes before!). I can do dishes while cooking, and without sitting down, and sometimes while putting away groceries. I can walk all of the way through 3 grocery stores in a row, and I don't have to sit down, ever. I can do over 2 miles on the track, and 2.8 on the treadmill for an hour or more. I have since moved on to the elliptical which has been kicking my butt ever since! As for sleeping comfortably? Almost every night.

I'm getting there... Now will someone please motivate me to go to the gym this week?

Today:
1 serving cereal: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
2 slices cheese: 3
1 banana: 2
1 bag frozen vegetables: 0
1/6 (maybe) serving sliced almonds: 1
1 serving black bean sauce: 1
2 servings rice crisps: 5
1 serving meatloaf: 7
1 serving green beans: 0
1 baked potato: 3
1 serving yammy pumpkin pudding: 4
1 bag popcorn: 5
40/40

I got in 10-11 more servings of veggies today! I'm never sure about frozen veggies...the bad says a certain amount of servings but it never seems to come out that way...

Day 225

OOPS! Tonight's post is going to be very short because I almost forgot to do so! I had put the laptop away and was getting ready for bed when I realized my lapse!

I made it to the gym today for a bit of a paired down workout. I finished my whole circuit but skimped on the cardio tonight. I got to the gym late and then my poor husband who is incredibly supportive was having such a bad time, he was so uncomfortable and felt so out of place. So I put him out of his misery by giving it up a little early. I was shocked he gave in and went with me, but he really is always very supportive, though now I have been spending time trying to convince him that he is still a pretty strong guy despite the fact that I lift more on a nautilus machine... I'm actually very sweetly amused.

My food was again really good today, enchiladas are becoming a family favorite here now...and I'm glad. First of all I can seriously pack two servings of fruits and veggies in there, second, they are a pretty good size serving, and third, we love spicy!

Today:
1 serving doritos (I was weak): 4
1 banana: 2
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ff ranch: 1
2 serving steamed veggies (incl corn): 1
1 serving enchilada stuffing: 4
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1 bag popcorn: 5
2nd enchilada (incl wrap): 6
leftover rice: 2
1 veggie burger: 2
1 100 cal pack: 1
41/40

I used 1 extra point today, but I got in 11 servings of fruits and veggies today! I'm pretty shocked, I didn't realize I was eating so many!

Day 224

It was a strange day today. I didn't get to the gym so tomorrow will be my first day back, but I danced for a bit, cleaned my house and then my husband and I walked after dinner. We went to subway for dinner tonight at my request. I fell on my glasses today and bent them so that they don't really fit on my face...so as I was trying to prep dinner tonight they kept falling off and I was getting really frustrated.

I did get a nice surprise today though. I had asked my husband to take the day off today because we really didn't get a lot of time together this weekend, and we spent a bit of that arguing (we don't really argue, its more my moods swinging than anything else honestly). Honestly we spend most weekends now running errands and doing things with other people. We almost never get alone time anymore, and I will admit that I've been a little emotional about it (and that it was most of what we were arguing about all weekend). He could not get today off though, and he felt bad about it, and I was disappointed. So tonight he came home and handed me a note that said: "a coupon for you, because you're super awesome of course!" And inside it said: "good for one day off of work." So I looked at him and started to tell him that it was sweet and he told me to read the fine print...At the bottom of the note written really small it said: "I took tomorrow off."

I love my husband. I'm going to repay him by making him go to the gym with me tomorrow!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym at all this week and was a lot less active than usual, but it didn't hurt me and I'm not (that) upset about it.
2. I did pretty well again this week, I even chose to get the salad bar at Chucky Cheese!
3. I went to my meeting and lost weight!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 10 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that I have a great capacity for love. I love people and animals, sometimes to the detriment of myself. I sometimes give more than I should emotionally and sometimes even physically or financially (especially in terms of my cats). Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed, but at the end of the day I would not change a thing. The rewards (love in return) are worth it.

Today:
2 crab cakes: 6
2 tbsp mango chutney: 2
1 cup green beans: 0
1 arnolds sand: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 can soup: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 1
1 subway sub (w/mayo and cheese): 14
1 serving sunchips: 4
1/2 cookie: 1
39/40

I actually got to 8 servings of veggies today! It looks like (according to my online points tracker) I only need 8 now! That's one less to worry about!