Week #51 Part B

Sorry I took an extra two days to post this week. I have been busy, and honestly I was so relieved because I was ready to come back here and write this long post on not giving up , even when you're struggling , but I ended up losing weight. I lost 9.2 lbs, confirming that traveling on air planes hates me so very much.

So listen. Even when you feel like you are at your absolute worst. Whether you just ate an entire pizza, or spent the day on the couch, or gained the week before and had trouble keeping it together for the week following that weigh in... STOP. Stop thinking about how bad you are, or how unworthy you are, or how whatever you want most in your heart is never going to happen, maybe you don't deserve it. STOP STOP STOP.

None of that is true. We are worth it, and you know what? We deserve down time, and we deserve to occasionally have the foods we love, and we DO occasionally have to give negativity its space. Acknowledge that we are feeling out of sorts, and then maybe set it aside or wash it away.

I gained weight last week, and when I did I was okay at first. I know I gain weight when I get on air planes and I know that all of the eating out we do at conventions causes water retention. It didn't matter. I still felt like I was failing and I kept going over my week like there had to have been something I forgot to count, or many things I forgot to count. And none of that is true. I was as diligent as I could be. I went to the gym, I got in 10,000+ steps a day, 20,000 on Sunday.

It didn't matter. I tore myself apart, just like I know so many people do. My friends do it, the people in the meetings do it.

Be kind to yourself. Accept that you might have messed up and go on doing your best. One bad week/day/meal doesn't ruin anything unless you let it. You're human, and you're in this for life. Expect bumps.

That being said, I was a little irritated at the meeting leader we had. She read my weight loss number out loud. Then when I tried to explain that it was at least 6.6 lbs of water weight she told me (in front of the meeting) that I was downplaying the positive. That isn't it at all. There are 20 other women in that room. Some of whom probably struggled to lose less than a pound that week. I don't want anyone to feel like they would lose 9 pounds in a week if they tried harder. It isn't true. 9 lbs isn't typical, and my average per week is a little less than 3...and I started at 460 lbs. There was a woman who was celebrating a year on Weight Watchers, and her total loss was 25 lbs. Don't shake your head, you know rationally no matter how much more you have to lose than someone else that losing weight is hard and the fact that she kept it off for a year? I applaud her. Right after we celebrated her the meeting leader asked me what my total weight loss was...I was kind of irritated.

See you next Monday!

Week #51 Part A

I am calling this post "Part A" because my meeting center was closed today for the holiday. So I will be weighing in tomorrow.

It's good that this week is going to be a two-parter because I'm struggling y'all.

Not with the plan. I am counting and moving my body and trying to be as on point as I can be. Now lets discuss the "as I can be" part. I am struggling with my motivations.

My shoulder is hurt, my knee is hurt, my ankle is hurt. I had an allergic reaction on my face to a cream in my Ipsy bag this weekend, and I wore a bathing suit in front of my family for the first time in a year. So, I'm struggling with my body, hard core. My apron hangs, my skin has started to hang too. The apron is the hardest for me though. My pants cant hide it, shapers don't hide it, dresses and skirts don't hide it. I have a large chest, and combined I feel incredibly frumpy and unkempt. I feel incredibly unattractive. Combine that with the pain I am feeling and I feel punished.

So I have been eating more than I should this week and I think it's entirely emotional. I thought I was past this stuff. I'm not though. I find myself questioning what I am going to do with the rest of my life in a way that makes me afraid to get to goal. I'm afraid that I will be this empty, uninspired memory of someone who almost was.

I know these things aren't true though, rationally. I'm just struggling.

Big girl panties are on though, and I am still going, still fighting and still going forward,

Will I be a different person when this is over?

I'll be back tomorrow, hopefully with good news.

Week # 50

So many feelings this week. To start I gained 6.6 pounds. YUP. There it is. I should be upset, but I'm really not. I know travel makes me gain weight. Particularly flying. For example: Came home from Vegas in January and had gained almost 10 pounds. The next week I lost 14. Soooo even though I didn't have a perfect week (I had way too much sodium, not enough veggies and way too much fresh fruit) I really think I made good choices for not being able to decide where we were eating every night. I walked my toosh off, and on Sunday I probably got close to 20k steps.

So I'm looking at the positive. Last year when I did this trip I couldn't walk 50 feet without stopping or feeling uncomfortable. I ate everything in front of me and I cried at night because my feet hurt. THIS time I killed it. I walked everywhere, and I even went to the gym (Planet Fitness is everywhere!) on Saturday night! I was introduced to Chicago style deep dish pizza and I had a SINGLE slice, and a salad with dressing on the side. I had beef and broccoli and tossed the rice. and I had breakfast for dinner one night. I did good guys, and so no, I'm not going to let this bother me!

I also lost my wallet on Sunday night, and was stressed as all get out, but still made good choices at home after realizing it.

Monday started with gaining weight and ended with me getting 17 activity points on my new Fitbit Charge Hr. Is that even possible? Maybe because it reads heart rate it tracks intensity better than the flex?

I don't know, and I don't eat my activity points, but I would be interested in finding out how accurate that is. I like losing weight fast like everyone else but if I am really shorting myself that many extra calories/points then maybe I should pay attention.

Storming here so I am going to finish this in case the power goes out. STAY POSITIVE. This is life, and the are no straight lines to anything worth having. Goal weights are not the end, and so we should be realistic and real with ourselves and our expectations. Be kind to yourself, don't berate yourself over the numbers on a scale. Don't deprive yourself either. Keep doing what you're doing and I promise...the scale will pay up.

See you next week!

Week #49 LONG post. Sorry.

This week was a little tough. I had a birthday party to go to on Saturday, and the food was not great. The hamburgers were 11 points plus each. EACH. I did not have one. I had a single hot dog (8 pp for the dog and the bun) and a metric ton of raw fruits and veggies, 2 bites of cake and a bite of dirt cake. Then one of my friends who rejoined Weight Watchers with me wanted to walk to the swinging bridge at the park. We attempted the walk before the cake was cut, but we were called back before we made it. Afterwards though we made the walk! It was a long walk and there was actual terrain unlike at the track I usually walk on. So many hills! When we made it to the bridge I actually crossed it. I was terrified because it moves! Total our walking for Saturday was 5.46 miles. I'm super proud of this walk!

Sunday was my birthday and Mothers day. We had celebrated Mothers day on Wednesday, which was also the day before my brothers birthday, This was a busy week for me! So since it was my birthday we went out to dinner with friends. We went to an Indian restaurant which is very much my favorite. I made good choices. I had bread so I did not have rice, ad I ordered tandoori chicken instead of chicken tikka masala which I have always gotten in the past. I also got vegetable vindaloo and had half of a vegetable samosa and a mango lassi. I split these dishes with my friends, and though I went into my weekly points I did not go over!

Today was different too. I have so many pulls on my time right now that I don't really feel like I have had much rest, and my birthday always depresses me. It reminds me that my time is limited and that I have missed opportunities. 

So I lost 3.6 pounds this week. We have a meeting leader who is long term and temporary because our permanent meeting leader is recovering from a kidney transplant. She is doing well and will be back in mid June. In the mean time I am really struggling with the current leader. She tells me I am losing weight too fast every single time I step on her scale, DESPITE the fact that I have a note from my doctor (yes, she made me get one, and it had never been an issue before), Today she told me that it was "Okay to lose less than 2 pounds a week."

So um, I know its okay to lose less, and honestly I am not starving myself. I am just really on right now. I feel like I have to remind her of the times I have gained and that my average for the last 8 weeks or so is 3.1 pounds which is ONE percent of my weight, and that my average overall is 2.9. I feel like I have to defend my efforts, or like I am being punished for doing well. So that stresses me out a lot recently. I don't want to leave my meeting because I seriously love the people in there. I want to stick it out until the regular leader comes back. She never gave me any trouble, and I never felt stressed about weighing in and doing too well...

I also need a new doctor (my old doctor retired and the new doctor is less than good.). But that is a long story for another day. 

I am also going to Chicago on Thursday and I wont be home until Sunday night. I am nervous because on these trips my food choices are not always up to me and counting is hard. A few of the people going are also doing Weight Watchers but they are not as on plan as I am on the regular. There is also a lot of work stress right now. The longer I stay a volunteer the more I think I might be done soon. Again, a story for another day.

I hope all of you have had a wonderful week and I hope you all have a successful weekend!

Week # 48

*I am calling this week # 48 because I am in the 48th week of Weight Watchers meetings for this go around.

 In past attempts at losing weight weekend meetings and group outings always disrupted a good streak. I wouldn't plan well enough, and then I would look at a menu and pass up the best things for me and go right for what I knew I would eat too much of. It was a serious weakness.

This past weekend I did much better. At the corporate meeting I had sushi, and seaweed salad as a side. I was really proud of my choices. After the meeting though we all went to this place called Honey Pig. Their food is really good, and really plentiful and generally when we eat in a group like that it isn't terribly expensive. I did't want to go, honestly because I eat way too much and the food can become very hard to count pretty quickly because of how it is served. I DID go because a) This is my life and adapting to this for the rest of my life is important. This is forever. I am not going to get there by avoiding social situations that involve food. b) I have been saying no a lot lately because we are saving money for Disney World next year. I made some negotiations with myself before I went. No rice. I'm not low carb but I do try and be careful about how many (white, simple carbs) I eat and I figured I'd rather have the meat. I also told myself that I was going to stop when I was satisfied.

It worked! I ate just enough, I didn't miss the rice, and I got to have a few pieces of candy later that day when we went to see The Avengers. It was a great day. 

Today was my weigh in day and I lost 4 pounds putting me at 141.6 lost total since June 2nd 2014.

My goal for Disney (Mid May 2016) is to weigh 240 or less. That is 78 lbs in a year, 1.5 lbs a week.

I think actually that I am going to start a challenge over on the Weight Watchers site for this to help motivate me. I can do this, and guys...so can you. It's so hard and it isn't just physical. It's emotional and psychological. I have conversations with myself constantly about what I want. What do I want more? Is this food worthy of me? 

I am worth every step of this journey. Positive self talk is something I did not have in my tool chest last time. I have it now, and it is very valuable.

Okay going to run now, I have blended mango and other ingredients chilling in my fridge to make mango sorbet tonight. Good night!