Day 303

If you tried to view my blog here earlier and weren't able to its because my Google accounts were hacked and I was temporarily shut down. I can't send an email out for 24 hours because of their safety features. Everything seems to be alright now.

Sorry for whining yesterday, I was in a bit of a mental rut and sinking deeper because of feeling/being unable to exercise. I start feeling guilty and like I'm "falling behind" which is ridiculous because the only person I could possibly be racing against is me...

So tonight I got off of my miserable butt, took another shower and went to the local high school track. I didn't stay too long, as really (all kidding seriously aside) this is slasher week. I did a mile on the track at a very quick pace never stopping once and I jogged for 1/8th of a mile. Yes, I know that doesn't sound like much but it was amazing! A year ago I could hardly walk an 8th of a mile! I could have gone father but my partner was having knee issues and I figured at over 300lbs, it was enough...for tonight. So that made me feel better. I'm going to try some more tomorrow, weather permitting, but not at the local track. I'm not comfortable going by myself and my friends go during what is almost the busiest part of my night. I'll go around here though.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving diet coke chicken: 3
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving jam: 1
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving shredded chicken: 3
1/2 serving ff cheddar: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw (can you tell I love it?): 0
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
Later (updated):
2 servings chicken: 7
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1/2 bag popcorn: 3
38/38

Will update with everything else as I eat it! Okay, that line makes me laugh...

Also, this recipe for Diet Coke Chicken turned out to be amazing! Try it out!

Day 302

Today has been one of those days that drives me right off of the wagon. The slasher is here with a vengeance...and I've been in a snippy mood all day. I feel pretty surrounded.

I want to go into detail but I am so tired and frustrated right now that I could cry. That I did cry. It isn't always easy loving people so much. Sometimes I wonder if I give too much of myself.

So short post tonight, sorry about that. My food is looking better today though.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 Very small red potato: 2
1 serving curry: 4
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 1
1 serving diet coke chicken: 3
1/2 serving rice: 2
1 cup mixed vegetables: 0
LATER:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving chicken: 3
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving mixed veg: 0
1/2 serving rice: 2
1 serving curry: 4
1 cup hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 4/34

Day 300, 301

Sorry about the lack of an update last night guys. The monthly slasher is here, and hitting me pretty hard. I'm sore and tired and I feel...moist...which makes me feel like I need to shower every hour or so. It also gives me some awful cravings sometimes, but I wonder if that isn't just because I'm sort of housebound for quite a bit of my (heavier) periods and I get bored. My plan to combat these things is to keep myself really busy with keeping up my housework and working on getting up to a jog this week at the park. Hopefully by Thursday I'll be able to go to the gym and get my strength training done. Do you think its too high of a goal to want to be able to jog at this point?

In any case I know I need to be celebrating Day 300 but I want to wait and celebrate getting under 300lbs some day soon! I feel like my eating has been out of control since Saturday at the cook out, but thankfully I have a new challenge and some new goals to help keep me on track and motivate me!



My goals for the challenge (it's only a 4 week challenge so I am really going to try and rev it up, too bad it begins on a slasher week!) are:

1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back.

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me.

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving reg doritos: 6
1/2 cup rice: 2
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 serving curry: 5
extra (later) serving dinner: 8
1 serving light ice cream: 3
38/38 + 1/35

Also, I didn't skip Sunday weigh in, there just wasn't one and I am trying not to compulsively weigh myself!

I need strength to stick to my convictions right now. I can't look for that outside of myself.

Day 299

Today was a long day in which I ate a little too much, got a little exercise (swimming and walking), and ended up chapped on my upper thighs.

The food...it wasn't the volume of food consumed so much as the fact that there are never ever any healthy options at my family get-togethers. Even the fruit salad has sugar in it!

Not to mention as a side note pertaining to self discovery-I realized today that I eat to avoid conversation sometimes when I am overwhelmed. I am the youngest granddaughter of the youngest sister (we are very matriarchal) in my whole family. Everyone knows me and has always known me. Not to mention I was named after the original matriarch of our family. You would think that that should make me more comfortable, but it doesn't. I feel like sometimes people expect something of me...particularly when I get asked repeatedly throughout the day when I'm going to have kids and how Chad and I should start practicing now. Its all meant in good fun and I take it as such, but I didn't realize how much stress I was getting from it until today when I was scarfing down a regular hot dog. These are not excuses, just a minor epiphany at the cook out today that was strong enough to make me give up my dessert. I am learning new things about myself all of the time these days.

I have a rather large family reunion coming up in August and I have decided to bring a healthy option myself. Usually I get requests for things I personally shouldn't eat, but that everyone else loves. I might still do one of those as I don't have much of an issue eating things that I have cooked a million times, but I am most certainly also doing a healthy dish. My aunt tried though, I just didn't know about it until after I ate it. She cooked some burgers with pineapple (which I love love love on burgers) that were all made from ground turkey. That was a nice surprise.



I am joining Deb's Freedom Challenge on Monday. I need to figure out some manageable goals to go into this challenge with. It is a much shorter challenge but I want to be successful. I need to work on my consistency and my readiness.

I got home late so the post is a little short tonight you guys. I will be back tomorrow with positive reports!

Today:
1 serving taco soup: 7
w corn bread: 3
w 1 serving cheese: 2
1 pudding cup: 1
1 burger no bun: 4
w 1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 slice pineapple: 0
1 serving buffalo chicken dip: 4
1 serving chips: 4
1 regular hot dog: 5
w regular roll: 3
3 oz lean steak: 5
a few bits from a dessert plate: 10
38/38+ 11/22

Day 298

Being active isn't the same thing as working out. I know that. We all know that. I was active today, very active. In fact I just finally sat down in my living room to relax for the first time tonight. I did not go to the gym today. I meant to. Have you ever had a day like that? All is not lost though! I still have the reigns! I accomplished a lot today and it made me feel good, and I didn't sit on my butt all day.

I have another long day tomorrow loaded with pitfalls. A family cook out! I plan to spend most of the day in the swimming pool. My aunt's house is also located in a beautiful neighborhood, I might take a walk/jog while over there. These family things usually last all day long and a walk will take my mind off of all of the food and provide some motivation to get me through the day.

I posted some before and after pictures last night on my side bar (I'm slowly going to clean the side bar up and hopefully make it more useful!) but I want to post these two here as well.

This was me in March of 2009 on a swamp tour of the bayou in Louisiana. At this point in time I did not know I weighed over 400lbs because I hadn't weighed myself in a very long time. I have a very hard time recognizing this person. I remember the pain and how I cried walking back to the hotel from the French Quarter. It wasn't all bad though. I remember feeling brave afterward. I remember being so afraid of getting on the river boat. I was afraid I would rock it hard enough for people to really notice. I didn't though and it ended up being one of my favorite parts of the trip.

This was taken last night because I wanted something to compare it to. It was kind of shocking. Pictures are so revealing even when we can look in the mirror and see the evidence pictures are somehow better. Up until last night when I looked in the mirror I saw the person in the first picture...and now? Now I'm not sure I recognize her. She was miserable. She was looking for ways to make herself feel happy and normal that didn't involve losing weight. She was trying to become a mother. She couldn't have chased after a child, She could hardly tie her shoes. I could hardly tie my shoes. I could not walk. I cried sometimes at night when I thought about whether or not I would be here in the morning. I couldn't shave my legs...because I couldn't reach all of the way around them. I would constantly ask my husband, "How can you love me?" I'm not being dramatic. I wondered because I didn't love me, I had no idea what loving myself would entail. I didn't wonder what was possible...because I knew intrinsically that nothing was. I knew without asking that at the weight I was at, deduced by just how miserable I felt mentally and physically, that I was shortening my life by what could be as much as several decades. I think I actually went through the stages of grief on that one. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance. Only when I got to acceptance something happened.

I decided to live, and in the course of this journey have discovered how to love myself, and how to cope. I have discovered what it means to really be alive. That girl on the river boat? She was viewing life through a dirty window. I'm going outside. I can walk several miles at a pretty normal pace, no tears. I'm tying my shoes and shaving my legs because I can reach every single inch of my body. I don't wake up with pain anymore! I don't worry about dying in my sleep anymore and I can't even begin to count the possibilities I have to look forward to.

What are you looking forward to? Non scale goals!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1/2 sandwich from subway: 5
w mayo: 1
w cheese: 1
1 bite of moms hot dog: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 2
1 serving roasted pork chops: 4
1 serving stuffing: 3
1 serving corn on the cob: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1/2 serving craisins: 1
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 pork chop: 4
1 cup homemade hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 6/28

Day 297

So remember what I said about taking the reigns? I've got them. I worked out today, though not at the gym... It was a beautiful day here in Baltimore and I couldn't just stay inside!

A lot of the people who have or who read blogs do not have a gym membership like I do. It takes courage to go to the gym and sweat very hard in front of people you don't know. It's also hard to imagine yourself (if you are as big as I am or was) getting onto any of those machines and not breaking them. Trust me though, they will hold you, and they will change the way you feel about working out too. The gym (especially if you are going to add strength training to your routine) is a very valuable asset to the journey.

Now, for those of us not ready there are plenty of other things you can do to get your heart rate up!

This is the park near my house. I decided that since tonight is karaoke night and I had a lot to do at home I would get some cardio in at the park and enjoy some fresh air.

There is a bike trail that winds through a lot of my part of Baltimore and it cuts through the park here, which makes for wonderful walking/jogging/breathing hard.

Despite being in the middle of the city, its actually quite beautiful here, though different from when I was younger.

My grandfather taught me how to ride a bike right in this area here. There used to be fences and swings and monkey bars a jungle gym and concrete paths.

He would sit on a wooden bench here, with his Siamese cat on his shoulder while I played. I really miss him. I did not expect the park to drag out memories that way but they are very good ones. It made me sad, but not in a bad way. It was hard to leave this spot today.

I used to go to the community center here for games and organized sports for kids. It is where my brother won his first trophy. Kids still play basket ball here.

So I walked and jogged (a little, on and off, and it wasn't as bad as last time at all!). Then Before I left I ran up and down these stairs several times before walking home.

I think it was actually a great workout. Refreshing and out of the ordinary. And it definitely got my heart rate up! This is not a pretty picture, its a sweaty one! Though there was a very nice breeze today so it wasn't as bad as at the gym.

I will post my food, but this entry is coming so early a lot of my points aren't used yet. I have karaoke tonight and I wanted to make sure this post was made!

Edited to post food:

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 5
w/ honey mustard: 1
1 side salad: 1
w/ spicy dressing: 4
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving taco soup: 7
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
6 hours later:
1/2 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
38/38

Day 296

So I had a bad night last night. I ended up eating a few things that I shouldn't have out of stress. I guess that would be binging? Right. This morning I was all set to beat myself up over it. You see, this is my pattern of stumbling. I get stressed, I screw up, I get depressed and so on and so forth. This afternoon after a morning of wallowing I decided that I was tired of it. No, I'm not always going to be able to fight it off but when I feel like I have a choice, don't I have to make it? All throughout this journey I've had light bulbs going on all over the place and I feel like this was one of them. One of those moments when another flip switches. One day, one meal, one bad choice did not get me to 417.8 lbs and still wont. It took a series of bad choices, a lifetime of bad days filled with bad meals. I am not the girl I used to be! I got up, off of my pathetic wallowing butt, put on my gym clothes and off I went. I upped the resistance on the elliptical today and went for another hour. It was a lot like the sweat washed away all of the tension and worry of the last few days. I feel better, and when I came out of the gym I made myself a promise: I will get to 100 lbs lost (or as close as is humanly possible, don't think that if I miss the mark a little I am going to kick myself.) in the next two weeks. The thing is, even if I cant, I am going to work at it like I can. I am tired of not feeling in control. To a certain extent yes, our bodies do what they want. But I am able to make choices that influence what my body does. This is me, taking the reigns.

Today:
2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving doritos: 4
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 1/2 cup strawberries (fresh): 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving tortilla strips: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving crasins: 2
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
35/38