Day 356

Alright so since we were off to such a great start yesterday I have to tell you a story. A story that really accentuates the feeling of one more thing.

Last night my throat was a little sore, but I assumed it was because I was in the car with the air blowing in my face for a while. This morning I woke up unable to swallow without lots of pain. So, being responsible (and having had strep chronically as a child) I called my doctor who saw me about an hour ago. My rapid strep test came back very quickly as positive, and so far I only have a light fever. She asked how I knew it was strep. Ha! I have done this so very many times. So now I have a script for penicillin, I have Tylenol, chloraseptic, and throat drops. Oh, and orders to gargle 3 times a day with salt water. I would say I'll still be counting points, but I really doubt that I'm going to be able to eat today. So, hows that for one more thing? I also have chills and a slight head ache.

I'm not trying to be a downer, in fact I am trying to have humor about it, but honestly this is really really frustrating.

I will edit this to add anything I eat today...kind of like tracking live.

Today:
1 serving creamy chicken and potatoes: 6
1 serving lemon pudding: 4

Day 355

So remember when a long time ago I said I needed new shoes? I never got around to doing that. I have guilt issues when it comes to spending money and kept putting it off despite the fact that my shoes were killing my feet.

Well today I went to pull them out of the shoe bin (where we put all of our shoes when we take them off) and found that my brothers dog had torn them into enough pieces that I'd have needed duct tape to put them back together. I have to admit, it felt like one more thing. I cried actually with the dog sitting there looking at me like I was nuts and why are you holding my chew toy? Then my husband surprised me with coming home early and took me a a shoe discount store.

I have to say, I was at the same store last year in March, right before my trip to New Orleans. Nothing fit. I hate shopping for shoes because the only things that look good come in either black or white and only in mens sizes. I can find my size quite easily online (11 wide), but then I don't get to try them on, and then the guilt sets in and I never do it. Today though, at the same store I was able to fit the regular size 11's! Yay for weight loss! I actually found 2 pairs of shoes that are not only comfortable, but look good on my feet! The shoes were buy one, get one half off so Chad convinced me that I needed to do it because I would never get another pair on my own otherwise. I got a pair of reeboks and a pair of asics (which I never ever thought I'd be able to wear because they don't come in wide ever!

So by the time we were done the gym was closed, but I wasn't completely off my goals. I took a ride on my moms mountain bike. I still haven't gotten one of my own, but now I'm kind of afraid. I can ride just fine, but her bike was not handling my weight well. Either way it was more of a workout than I expected! Tomorrow, with brand new not clawed or chewed shoes I will be going to the gym. I also found a Zumba place I might be able to commit to going to. It's less than ten minutes from my house with no contract to sign. You pay per class, 5 bucks.

Today:
2 waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1/2 cup peas: 2
1 serving leftover casserole: 6
2 bites ice cream: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 baked potato: 5
w cheese: 1
1 small chili: 4
1 serving enchiladas: 8
w low fat spicy mayo: 2
w cheese: 2
38/38 + 6/35

Really need to work on my vegetables again, and getting it back under 38 points a day. I need to lose, not maintain!

Day 354

So I bit the bullet and went back to my meetings today. I have in the last month and a half done 7lbs worth of damage.

I knew I was going to gain and it stung a little, but being honest with myself and facing it is going to help.

I'm also going back to the gym tomorrow. Yeah I have said this before, and whats worse? Meant it every time. That is the slippery slope. Honestly though? I'm tired of sitting here wondering about that something I've stopped working so hard for. It was worth working hard for then and I want it even more now that I've come this far.

I'm back. If I have to struggle I will. I have to get there.

Today:
1/2 subway sub: 7
1 serving sun chips: 3
1/4 cup peas: 1
1 serving chicken w sauce (homemade): 6
2 serving green beans: 1
1 serving creamy ranch chicken and potatoes: 6
1 serving whole wheat pasta: 3
27/38

Day 340

I did not update last night because our internet, cable and telephone were turned off because my brother hadn't paid the bill...in 3 or 4 months. So once I finally had it straightened out it was 6 in the morning and I was tired, and still sick. Sorry about that, I have been trying to be more committed here because it helps me.

Let's talk about sick. I guess that I am, but I have a really hard time with it. I'm finding myself frustrated by the barriers that I'm facing. I feel like every time I get my mind in gear, my body decides not now. I'm pretty sure now that I have the stomach flu as I have another friend who is experiencing the same symptoms. I feel fine when I'm not having stomach pain and diarrhea, which comes and goes quite frequently.

I think I will be fine though, and I have been determined to stay on plan. So far so good. One of the things I have been doing is keeping a good amount of fresh fruit in the house. That way when I need to grab something I go for that first.

So honestly I'm not quitting, I will be fine and I wont stop blogging. I'm just really frustrated at myself and the circumstances.

I did not track today (and have been being too lax with that), which I know is bad, but I have eaten on plan. I've been kinda vegetating all day (except for a short trip to fat free frozen yogurt) and drinking a lot of fluids and diet ginger ale. Tomorrow is another weigh in I'm not sure I'm going to. If I go, I will probably have gained weight. Not much, like I said before I gained a few lbs over Otakon week, but since then I have been maintaining...not losing. And now the stomach thing. I can not possibly communicate my frustration here in words. We haven't talked about shame in a while. It's intrinsically connected to weight for some of us, for me too. I feel like "Oh my GOD it's been a whole month and what do I have to show for it? Negative nothing." I feel like a failure. Again.

But I'm not, and I know that. It doesn't help our feelings though does it? I can do this, and it is about choices. I can not choose to not be sick, but I can choose whether or not I track. I can choose whether or not to go to the gym when I am feeling better, or to take a walk or walk my dogs. I can choose to choose to struggle correctly. Instead of always struggling downward, I can struggle in the direction of my goal. I am so tired of waiting for my mind to get into sync with my butt here! It doesn't work that way! I am getting out of this prison come hell or high water and nothing is going to stop me.

Not even me.

Day 338

Sorry this is late!

I have been experiencing something that I usually only get once a month with the slasher for quite a while now. I am either sick with the stomach flu (can you have the stomach flu without a fever or vomiting?), hormone level issues, stress, or my body is still adjusting to eating good foods again. Either way it has meant that I have not been able to stray far from the bathroom. Not pleasant. Though I suppose that if my body is adjusting back or detoxing or something that might be good?

Today:
3/4 cup of rice: 3
w sauce: 3
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving tomato: 0
1 avocado: 6 (I wanted it!)
1 serving light ranch dressing: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
tortilla strips: 2
2 servings wheat pasta: 8
1 serving sauce: 1
1 plum (less than one point!): 1
1 lara bar: 2
1 serving bubble up enchilada casserole: 6
1 ear of corn: 1
1 serving light sour cream: 1
1/2 serving light margarine: 1
1 piece of chocolate: 2
38/38 + 3/22

Day 337

Still here, still going on.

I haven't made it back to the gym yet, despite wanting to. I feel like I am stuck and I don't quite know how to get moving again. I'm not gaining, so don't panic. I'm still on plan. I'm just not doing as well as before and I'm not losing.

I have an appointment to see my obgyn this month and 2 more to recheck my triglycerides. I feel like I'm coming to a cross roads here. I need one more year on birth control. I need it. Emotionally I cant handle this battle and the one that drives me to have kids at the same time. Now this will only be the end of my first year ever (in my life) on birth control, but now I'm wondering if it isn't what is elevating my triglycerides (research).

I'm also dealing with (still) the emotional fallout (all of my own doing) from everyone around me having babies or getting pregnant. It is way to easy to forget that it could happen, and that I am actively preventing now in order to make it more likely later. Its easy to trip and fall into that dark hole. I find myself needing to pull away socially in certain situations. I know, I know. I need to get up and stop crying and run towards my dreams and goals instead of whining about it and letting it get away from me.

What am I doing? I can not tell you how many times in the last few weeks this has been the thought in the front of my mind. I need to kick my own but into gym gear. Into commitment gear. I haven't given up, but dang have I ever let some of the direction go. Here I am looking in the mirror again, but now things have changed and the picture is feeling kind of fuzzy.

I've said it a million times, but don't give up on me. I am determined to lose the rest of my weight, and my burden. I'm not taking my time on purpose. I think that its just life.

Today:
1 homemade burger w cheese no bun: 6
sauted onions and peppers: 1
1 waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 1/2 servings cheddar rice crisps: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 banana: 2
1 cup watermelon: 1
1 cup rice: 4
1 serving sauted green beans with peppers and onions: 1
1 serving crock pot cantonese pork: 7
1/2 serving dinner (pork, greenbeans, and rice): 7
38/38 + 1/23 (used some this week)

Day 333, 334

Day 333 was the family reunion. I did well. I wasn't able to track that day, but I watched what I ate. We were there for lunch and dinner, and the single healthy option available was a veggie tray. Carrots, broccoli and cauliflower. I did alright though. I kept my portions small and I only ate twice. A few hours apart.

Today there was no meeting for me. No because I don't want to know what I weigh, but because I had to be somewhere at 10am, and I have been going all day until now. I had planned to miss this one. I am going to my meeting next week though. Hopefully this past week will be the last of the super busy weeks for a while. I am also returning to the gym this week! It is time.

In any case I haven't gotten more than 7 hours of sleep total in the past 2 days and I'm not up to a long post. My eyes are burning.

Today:
1/2 subway sandwich: 7
1 serving sunchips: 3
3 meatballs: 5
tastes of food (literally tastes) at a Tastefully Simple party: 5
dinner out with Chad (to the best of my knowledge using WW online and calorie king): 15
35/38

Now that being on plan is getting easier I am going back to basics again. I find that the simplicity and repetitive nature of WW really helps refocus my motivation.

Wish me luck. I'm getting back, just a little slowly. I need it to be right and I need it to be long term, not perfect.

Day 332

This is going to be short tonight because I am incredibly tired. I'm trying to readjust back to my old sleeping schedule because while I was working I was working a completely different one. So now I feel like if I closed my eyes I'd drop.

I was pretty good today. I did some walking, and stayed on plan all day again. I was out for the bulk of the day with friends, so lunch and dinner we had out as well. I chose salad! This was hard for me. I actually walked the entire food court at the mall like four times before I made my decision. I was fighting with myself. I was hungry. There was so much temptation. I took my butt back to the salad, soup, and wrap place and got some soup and a (huge, huge, huge) salad. Then for dinner I chose salad again... I only ate 3 times today but I was preoccupied with having a good time so I didn't need the snacks to keep me from binging. I also think I got all of my veggies in too.

Today:
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving spicy green beans: 1
1 very large salad for lunch w/ light ranch dressing and grilled chicken: 8
1 cup vegetable soup: 5
1 very large bbq salad: 10
1 piece corn bread: 3
2 pieces chocolate: 2
38/38 + 2/35

Sometimes I think a little mess up can make us incredibly humble.

Day 331

Today was actually quite a good day. I ate on plan all day for the first time in almost 2 weeks. Its a good step in the right direction. Slasher week started Monday, but other than that things are on track. I am feeling a lot better about everything.

I have a family reunion to go to on Saturday. The first one in years for my family. Since my grandfather died I have been feeling very strongly about family. I remember being 17 and feeling like such an outsider. I was the fattest person in my family, and the youngest granddaughter. I felt uncomfortable and ashamed and alone. Today I am looking forward to this reunion. It is the last big thing for this summer, and the first time I have seen many people in my family in over 10 years. In the past 331 days I have committed to saving my own life. I have lost an amazing amount of clothing sizes. I have jogged. I have lost almost 100 pounds. I have also struggled, been setback, gained, lost again, and found new life within myself.

In the past 331 days I lost one of the most influential and important people I have ever loved. I compare myself to my grandfather quite proudly. He was strong, intelligent, and determined. He always thought I was too. I want to live up to that. In the next 331 days I will. I am finding myself looking forward to something that would have scared me in the past, and I am going to win over the food battle that there will definitely be fought there. I said I still had all of the same motivation right? Well then, lets get back to it. I can, and will win this war. I'm dealing with my life and other peoples lives and my feelings and making it work. I know, everyone deals with their lives while also trying to lose weight. This is a personal account though, and I suppose on some level it wouldn't be complete without that part, and I would be lying if I said life was peachy right now.

I know this entry is all over the place! I'm just getting my thoughts out there. I'm trying to hang in there and get back to trotting along where I am supposed to be at the same time.

Getting back on the wagon, again.

Today:
1 coffee w ff cream: 3
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
3 slices cheese: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
2 servings mixed fruit: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 serving doritos: 5
31/38

Day 330

So I know I have been gone long enough to scare some of you, but I have never meant to be away so long. Was I struggling this entire time? Oh yeah, right up until today in fact. However the week that I made that last post was the beginning of a very busy time for me. I know I spoke about Otakon to you guys before and how I run the Art Show there once a year. I've told you all how hard the work there was. Well, this year it wasn't as hard, but I pushed myself harder because of it. My feet were already hurting so badly by Friday night that I could not walk without shoes on! I got there on Wednesday afternoon and left for home on Monday afternoon, and I am finally feeling better today. I am crazy excited that I was able to run around so much more and do so much more of the physical work myself!

Now that is where I have been, but my struggle? It started a while ago. I've been struggling on and off all year now and I'm not sure how to turn it off. I feel like my motivation is just as strong as ever, and I am never going to give up but I seem to have trouble getting my nose back down to the grind stone here. I stopped myself tonight and started questioning myself. Why am I stalling myself? Why am I going out of my way to comfort myself with food when I know even before I do it that I will pay for it emotionally and physically later? I hurt myself and then I hurt myself for hurting myself.

I can't answer these things yet. As far into my journey as I have come and I still can not answer some of the simple why's that everyone else can. This doesn't make me feel shame, but maybe a little bit of fear. I wonder if I will ever get back into the habit without so many slips and falls if I am never able to identify all of the triggers?

We all have these moments...the ones where we question our motives and even our provable progress. I found myself wondering if I even wanted the things I want as bad as I say I do if I cant even stick to this for longer than a week or two without a misstep! But that isn't what this is about is it? It isnt about the roller coaster ride, the size 8, or even the kids I am desperate to have. It is about me winning a battle over control of myself and my destiny. I have a path before me and it's rough. People talk about weight loss in so many ways. Everyone has an opinion about how its done and how hard or easy it is. I think in some ways we decide our own difficulty levels, but I also think that most of us aren't aware of that, and that even if we are we are still capable of catching ourselves unaware.

I'm sure I have set myself back a bit over the last week or two, but I'm not ready to call it quits yet. Like I said before, I wont fail until I decide to. And while I thought long and hard about that this week I know I'm not done yet. Someone commented on my weight loss at con this year and I looked and my husband and I could see just how proud he was of me and then I felt shame. I felt it because I know I can do better than this...and so I will.

Regular updates back tomorrow. Thanks for believing in me guys.