The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Monday, February 1, 2010

Day 145

The meeting was canceled, but I couldn't get anyone on the phone, and being the paranoid person I am I drove out there anyway. So, not wanting to skip a weigh in I came home and weighed myself here. Now again, my scale here is wonky at times so the weight I am going to give could change or whatnot. I weighed 355.8, which would mean I lost 5.8lbs this week. I'm counting it, but not calling it set in stone.

This is me (in blue) in highschool. I was 17 years old and already over 300lbs. I was taking blood pressure meds and skipping gym for fear of embarrassing myself or being embarrassed. Everyone else is talking about being over weight as a child so I thought I might throw my penny in the ring. I have been fat for my entire life. I have never been thin, or felt beautiful or athletic. I skipped social functions and epic events in my life to avoid being reminded of that. I have been called every name possible in the book by classmates, friends, family, and even random people on the street I don't know. Once I wouldn't share my labwork with a girl in my science class in highschool and later overheard her telling some of my other classmates that I "smelled, because all fat people do". I have been refused seats on a public bus before because someone didn't want to sit next to me. Being fat doesnt just make you the butt of fat makes you the butt of every joke imaginable. People start looking at you like the weakest link and you end up looking like a safe target.

I regret being fat, I really do. There are so many things that I would change about myself physically. Physically, but not mentally. There is that one thing about being fat that I can actually appreciate. I am not one of those people. I don't exclude people based on their appearances and I certainly don't try and make myself feel better about my insecurities by hurting other people. I'm not a party girl, or promiscuous, nor do I desire to be. I'm smart, I have a mind of my own and a life (outside of being fat) that I wouldn't give up for all the money in the world. I'm not saying that being obese made me the person I am today, but I can say with certainty that it was a definite front runner in the shaping of who I am. How could it not be? It really is like a shell, and I'm breaking through. I am changing myself from the inside out, with the strength that I have developed from years of feeling constantly hunted every time I went out in public or had dinner with friends of put on a bathing suit. I started by pulling motivation from never wanting to experience any of those feelings ever again, and I'm going to finish by gathering the motivation from the new discoveries I make every single day.

Sometimes in my blog I don't always know what to write. What I ate today isnt always the most mesmerizing sort of thing to read I'm sure. Sometimes I'm sure it seems like I'm less passionate about this journey than I am on other days. I am here to tell you that this is so far from the truth. There are very few things in my life right now that mean as much to me as this does...there are very few things in my life that will be as commandingly vocal in my future. I want to be interesting and witty, but more than that I want to be honest and present. I want to succeed. So I'm going to keep on trucking down diet parade lane until I cant anymore and then I'm going to do it anyway. I will weigh 165lbs before I am done.

1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 very, very large salad incl. dressing: 7
1 serving black beans and rice: 6
1oz crackers: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1oz crackers: 2
1 serving chicken, broccoli and rice skillet: 5
1 serving oatmeal bread: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving ice cream: 3

Oh yeah, I am also down a point! Hooray for progress!


Rettakat said...

I could relate to sooo much of what you wrote about growing up. Except for a few brief nanoseconds in my teens and early twenties when I got down to only "chubby", I've been overweight all my life, too.

You said: "...but more than that I want to be honest and present. I want to succeed. So I'm going to keep on trucking down diet parade lane until I cant anymore and then I'm going to do it anyway..."

And that is why I am so sure you will succeed.
You found the same secret I found... that this journey is not driven by "feelings", but my WILL. By choice. By us deciding the kind of life we want, and not taking "no" for an answer.

I sooo admire you for getting it at your age! What a woman!

Patsy said...

I think you're right about the experience of being very fat making us more tolerant of other people's differences...

I've been very fat for about 90% of my life and slimmish for the rest... I don't want to get THAT slim again, but I also know how much better I feel when I'm at least 70lbs lighter than I am now...

Keep up the fantastic work!

Khris said...

OMG its just horrible to think you have had to put up with this sort of treatment...makes me so angry. I wasn't fat at school but would never ever treat people any differently to how I felt I would want to be treated. I do not take well to people like that and truly cannot get over this disrespectful, rude behaviour. I always tell my children that beauty comes from within. Do you know the saying "I might be fat but your ugly and I can diet"