Day 22

So today I was reading a few very inspirational blogs, one of which made mention of the gastric bypass, and the pressure that they felt to go and have such a serious alteration made to his body. Pressure from his family and friends. I have personally struggled with the decision not to have this surgery, and I felt for him. I have been there! I have had people begging me in literal tears to have that surgery. On one hand I know people love me, I know they just want what is best for me, and they want to see my happy. On the other hand, they have no idea how hard it is to be in that position. It takes an amazing amount of strength to make that decision no matter what you choose.

All of this reminded me of a something that happened shortly after I moved into the house I am currently living in. I was having a bit of an informal dinner party with friends. We were all sitting around my kitchen table playing Risk when I heard a knock at the door. It was the woman who lives across the street from me. She was drunk, and people were yelling from across the street at her. No one was being rude or anything, they were all just drunk and rowdy and telling her to leave us alone. She started out by talking to me about how neighbors never talk anymore, and how they are nice people and she is sure we are nice people and on and on. Being inebriated tends to make one ramble. I forgave her and humored her and was polite. She was kind of charming. Then she goes into how worried about my health is (I don't even know her name!) and how she had the gastric bypass and how it changed her life and how much better she was for it. She told me I needed to come and talk to her about it, and start making phone calls and "please, please" for your health and your husband have the bypass. This went on for quite some time. I felt frozen to my front porch. One of my friends came to the door and started to pull it open. I promptly slammed it shut. I was ashamed! I was mortified. I didn't want anyone else to hear it. She finally went away, and hasn't ever really spoken to me again. There are actually very few people I have told about this. I find this to be one of the most painful memories I have. I'm not angry with her, and I don't hold a grudge. I'm sure somewhere in her head she thought she was being helpful, not dealing me an emotional death blow.

I'm not ready to give myself over to surgery yet. In fact I don't think I will ever be. I'll admit that sometimes I think about it. I would be lying to say I didn't. I have even in fact fantasized about it. Reality couldn't have matched up. There is no quick fix, I know that. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life, and I don't think I will be. I know I can do this without surgery, I know I have this in me. I'm not saying that people who make the choice to have the surgery (whatever kind) are wrong, I'm just saying I know it would be wrong for me.

I'm posting this so that anyone else out there struggling with some mortifying memory or experience doesn't feel alone because God, I really did. It was an all new rock bottom wake up call. I don't want to be defined by this anymore.

Today I did 3 miles! I am so proud of myself and so exhausted! Tomorrow I will try and do 3 more plus my strength circuit. I also got all of my points in today!

Today:
1 Serving Gnocchi Florentine: 8pts
1 pb&j on a pita thin: 6pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1 can soup (with 2 servings veggies!): 3pts
15 thin crisps: 2pts
1 serving sw dip: 1pts
1 piece cake (ww recipe from Ashley's Mom, not sure of the exact points so I over estimated): 5pts
2 servings (4 servings veggies at least) Chicken and Veggie Lo-Mein w/ tofu shirataki noodles: 15pts
1/2 cup ice cream: 3pts
1 low cal angel food cake: 1pts

I think I managed around 7 servings of veggies all told today. I have some plans for my veggie intake tomorrow that should help me eliminate some of my bad snacking and up my veggie intake.

Day 21

Wow. It really is Day 21. I have been doing this for 3 whole weeks. I love numbering the days because it feels so substantial. Tomorrow begins a new week for me. I know it is weird that I weigh in on Sunday and start my new week on a Tuesday, but I started Weight Watchers before I actually became a member. I have to say I am so very glad I joined and started going to meetings. Its like lighting a fire under me sometimes to remember that I get to go face that scale on Sundays. It is both terrifying and exciting. This past week on diet parade has been a hard one. I lost someone I loved so greatly and so deeply, and I was sick before that and after that, and even now I still have a bit of a cough. And even though I had a loss this week I know I stumbled a bit and I know I can do better. Pop would have wanted me to. He would tell me that I can do anything I put my mind to and I can.

I have learned a lot about myself this week as well. I learned that I can be strong. I can draw my lines in the sand like the best of them. I have learned to defend my choice to lose weight, even though I am surprised that I have to at all! I have begun to learn the art of loving myself just a little. I can see my potential shining through just a little, and baby, it is beautiful. My life is so different from what I wanted it to be. It is painful to say that or to think about it. A lot of the things that I wanted for myself are never going to happen, I have so many precious, and yet missed opportunities. I have let my weight and my self image and my fear dictate my choices and stunt my hopes and dreams for so long. I have let my weight make me feel completely hopeless. I have let myself feel like I was at an end... I believe it is in those moments that we find our greatest strengths, and our strongest commitments. I am 26 years old. I want to stand in line to ride a roller coaster with my husband and know that I will fit when the bar closes. I want to run, without stopping. I want to get in and out of my car without struggling and I want to always be able to wear a seat belt! I want to walk into a regular store and buy regular sized clothing and pay regular sized clothing prices. I want to be a mother. I want to have children safely without worrying that it might kill me, or my child. I want to live longer than my grandfather! I want to be +80! I don't want to fear doctors anymore, or social situations, or restaurant booths. I want to be able to sit in a seat at the theater without hurting myself! I want to be able to sing and not worry if people are looking at me or hearing my voice.

I want to define myself by something other than my weight. This week I have learned that I do have fortitude, and someday soon I will be able to accomplish everything on that list.

So my day in short now that I have been all long and dramatic! I had a great day at the gym today! I upped my speed on the treadmill to 2.3 and I did 20 minutes before my strength, and 30 minutes after instead of 15/15. I am so proud of myself for that. When I first started going to the gym 1.8 was as much as I could do and generally only 15 minutes at all. On Wednesday when I go back to the gym I am going to increase my sets to 3 (right now I do 2 sets/12 reps), and try and do 30/30 cardio. Someday I will get to use the elliptical, when I don't think I will kill myself on it. My husband (and everyone else) is sick, and I didnt feel safe walking alone so late (though I tried with one of my dogs, it was just unnerving), so we didnt make it to the track tonight, but at the gym with the increase I did 1.9 miles! I'd like to get up to 3 miles a day on gym days (incl the track) and 2 miles of just track on non gym days with rest on Sundays.

Today:
2 servings taco soup: 7pts
2 cups stirfry veggies (that had some sort of rice noodle in them, less than 1/2 a cup I think but to be safe I counted it as so): 6pts
1 turkey and cheese sandwich on low cal wheat with light mayo, mustard and pickles: 7pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts (I round up)
1 serving Gnocchi Florentine: 8pts (I know dif. from recipe, but I used reg marinara not fat free)
1 cup ice cream: 7pts
1 angel food cake: 1pt
1 ww yogurt: 1pt
Total for the Day: 41/44
Leftover: 3

I need some good veggie snack ideas! Anything you have would be great!

I'm sorry this post got so emotional, but I need that shove. I need to see these words come out of me. I need to see how much I am hurting because it is so much harder to hide that way, and it pushes me.

Day 20

Today was weigh in day. I should explain some things. My husband works late and we don't get into bed ever until between 3am and 4am. Last night I set the alarm for 8:15am so that I could get up, get dressed and run out the door for the WW meeting. I live like 10 minutes from the meeting so it isn't usually a problem...but I have had a hard week. I am so completely exhausted that when I heard the alarm go off at 8:50am, and my husband asked me if I wanted to get dressed fast and go in a little late, I almost said no. See, he is exhausted too. The alarm went off at 8:15 and he hit the snooze button for 35 minutes every 9 minutes... I almost said no, and laid back down and went to sleep and let myself miss this thing that I have made so important in my life. I mean, why go? I thought I had gained weight, I had a terrible week, I felt like I had been hit by a Mack Truck. Why go? Because I needed to. Because as tired as I was I could not let myself miss stepping up on that scale and facing my week. It would have been my first tiny, almost unnoticeable act of self sabotage. I have this pattern, and I want to break it. I have trouble finishing things. They get hard, and I make excuses for myself and my behavior. I quit. I always quit with "good reason" or so quietly that no one notices until much later. I was laying there in bed this morning with a budding head ache, and burning eyes and I had all of this passing through my mind. I knew in that moment that if I didn't go to that meeting, I was going to fail. I'm not being negative, or rather, I'm not trying to be negative. I felt all of the possibilities this morning and I know myself better in some ways than others.

Well, my Grandfather used to say, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

I got out of bed and dressed myself in record time. My husband drove me as I was dangerously tired, and I was only 15 minutes late, and I wasn't the only one. I had to wait in line to get on the scale, and the whole time I was replaying my week over and over, and I was so sure that I had to have gained weight. I got on the scale, I heard the printer printing out my stats, and the receptionist was still silent. So I asked, "How bad is it?" I'm amused now, but I was seriously killing myself with the things she COULD have been thinking. I'm a worrier if you haven't noticed by now. ;)

I lost 2.6lbs this week! Bringing my total to 9.4lbs so far. I had to ask her to repeat herself. I think I said, "Seriously?"

What have I learned? Do not doubt yourself! Even when you make mistakes and they show up physically, on the scale, or in your measurements, learn from that. When the going does get tough, and it will, get up and go anyway! Thanks, Pop.

Today:
Breakfast:
Triple Berry Smoothie (small): 3pts
Lunch:
3/4ths regular curry w/braised beef from Noodle Company: 10pts
Snack:
1 serving Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal w/1 cup skim milk: 3pts
Snack: 1 serving quakes rice cakes: 2pts
4oz juice: 2pts
Meal? (not sure what to call the in between things)
English muffin turkey sandwich: 6pts
Dinner:
Baked Dijon Turkey breast: 5pts
3 cups steamed veggies: 2pts
Snack:
1 cup ice cream: 7pts
Total for the Day: 40/44pts
Leftover: 4pts

I gotta get better at getting all of my points in!

Day 19

I am posting this picture for Rettakat. She is dressing up for a themed banquet this year for the first time, and I wanted to share my struggle with her, and everyone else.

I am intimidated by fashion (and clothes and makeup and really all female rituals).

There are a lot of things I don't do. I don't wear make up, I don't dress up, I don't do fun things to my hair. I don't draw attention to myself. Ever. I have never wanted people to look at me before my husband. Now I know how he looks at me, and sometimes I wonder about other people. Chad works at UPS and sometimes he talks about walking me into the plant so I can see everything, like how packages are sorted, etc. I am interested. Honest to GOD I am, but every time he mentions it I am filled with panic. I don't want him to be judged because of my weight. I don't ever want to look at him and see shame. It would kill me. In my heart I know that he would never think to feel that way about me. I know he loves me and is proud of me, but my insecurities eat away at me.

The other night I was looking at a picture of myself and I told him, "Sometimes I think I could be beautiful." Of course he sighed and affirmed (and corrected by telling me I was, and not could be.) my statement, not knowing how incredibly painful it was to say that out loud. I want to say it more often, until its just a word (like "fat"), and I'm okay with using it to represent myself. I think everyone else is beautiful so why cant I be comfortable when someone else says I am? I want to be pretty and graceful and feminine. I have had so few experiences in my life where I felt pretty without also being uncomfortable or feeling silly. Like yeah, I'm pretty, for a side show. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to be negative. I feel like I'm having a slow epiphany. I am pretty. I am already feminine. I'm not really all that graceful, but that will come too. I haven't reached my full potential because its buried beneath the surface. But it is there, and I'm digging it out. In the mean time, I have to get out there and rejoin the human race. I have to trust my husband when he tells me that I am beautiful, because he is my greatest ally.

Anyway, I'm saying this because I felt beautiful last year on Halloween. It wasn't the last time either. I hope you feel beautiful too!

Tomorrow is the weigh in! I'm terrified to be honest. I have not gone over my points, but I have eaten badly. I know it, I'm going to face it. It's all part of reaching my goal. I have to learn from my mistakes even when everyone else says I had so many reasons to mess up this week. I know the only person I am helping or hurting is me. I am accountable to myself. I will beat this. I will get better every week, every day, every single moment.

Today was difficult because I woke up with a migraine that took 6 hours to subside. Once it did subside it sat in the background for most of the rest of the day. It was so bad my husband had to walk me down the stairs and my mother offered to take me to the E.R. Right, no, but had it lasted any longer I might have accepted. I couldn't eat until almost 7pm, when I finally stopped feeling nauseous. Please send me not sick vibes! I need them so desperately! I cant even cough anymore because it feels like driving nails into my skull.

Today:
Breakfast:
1 cup cooked oatmeal w/ 1/2 cup mango chunks: 3pts
Snack:
1 angel food cake w/jam: 2pts
1 cup skim milk: 2pts
Lunch:
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken w/o rice: 4pts
1 pita flat: 1pts
1 large coffee with cream: 4pts
Dinner:
1 serving chicken chow mein w/ rice: 7pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts
Snack:
2 pizza bagels w/ ranch: 13pts
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4

Considering I started around 6 or 7pm...I'm good. Wish me weigh in luck!

Day 18

This is a picture of one of my diet buddies Molly and myself at age 19. Yep, 7 years ago sitting in a Pizzeria Uno's in Towson MD, waiting for a movie to start. This was taken back when we both still used public transportation to get everywhere. I have known her since I was 4 years old.

I think that having people around who support you and care about your well being and your progress without judging you for your mistakes is very important. I think that without it, you are working sort of handicapped. I am grateful for everything I gain from them, whether it be a lesson learned, or a hand on my back when I stumble. I really hope that they feel they gain as much from me as I do from them.

Do you have a support group, or circle in your life (online counts!)?

I have decided that I am going to do this come hell or high water. I am not giving up, ever again. I still feel unsteady, but it isn't not knowing if I can do it, its being afraid that I wont. Again. I know that I can do this, and I know that I am capable of blowing off those fears. I will, I will, I will! I want too much, and have waited to long to ever start over again. If I could sign my name in blood I would because everyone (who left comments) is right. It is about making a decision for myself to commit to something that will change my life in every way.

Today was much better. I woke up feeling sick, but went to the gym anyway. I did my whole circuit and then after dinner I did another mile on the track (Becky is going to do the track with us when she can!), which puts my mileage for the day at 2 miles plus the strength machines. The best part is that after the gym I felt better than I had in days. I stayed on my points today, and today was easier. I do need to put some soup in the crock pot for my lunches though to up the points. I had two servings of dinner again tonight to reach my points. Not together, a few hours apart, but still. It feels like cheating.

Ashley is coming to the YMCA with me tomorrow morning! Yay! Also, tomorrow is the dreaded Golden Corral. I still have my game plan, and I looked up the points for everything I am going to eat tomorrow. If I can stick to this it will be yet another victory over my diet demons!

Today:
Breakfast:
1 baked potato: 3pts
1 wedge laughing cow cheese: 2pts
1 serving spinach dip: 1pts
1 serving OJ: 2pts
Snack:
10 mini rice cakes: 2pts
Lunch:
2/3 Chic Fila SW Chicken Salad: 5pts
1/2 pack salad dressing: 4pts
1 serving tortilla strips: 1pts
Snack:
1 low fat low cal angel food cake: 1pts
1 tbsp raspberry jam: 1pts
Dinner (counting together):
2 serving chinese pineapple chicken w/cup brown rice: 17pts
Snack:
1 cup ice cream: 3pts
Total for the Day: 42/44
Leftover: 2

It's getting better, it simply has to.

Day 17

Alright, so the gym was out today. I woke up congested and have been coughing pretty badly all day. I started to feel better tonight around 9pm, and as of right now at almost 3am, I feel pretty bad again. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn't exercise while sick, but I read online that it doesn't matter as long as I don't over do it. I mean, the cardio puts a little hurtin' on me, but the strength doesn't take my breath away, it just makes me sweat! I'm afraid with the week that I have had that I wont lose any weight. I dont want to have to face that scale like that! I want to feel confident and good. Bah. I am going to the gym tomorrow, come hell or high water!

Today was better. I had a hard time getting in all of my points and at 42 I'm done. I should say that I spent most of today coughing, and wouldnt have eaten anything until dinner time except that my mom came over and made me a sandwich, and some popcorn. I had a lot of lowfat popcorn today. I have to admit that I am still really proud of myself for holding it together as well as I have this week. I just want to be healthy, but its hard to feel like you cant take any breaks. Even when I someday reach my goal weight I cant just eat whatever I want. Will I battle this forever? Will I be able to keep the fine balance, even in the face of grief of stress or any emotional turmoil? I said before and it's worth repeating: I do not know if I can do this. I don't know if I am strong enough to stick around and to this commitment I feel like I have made. I dont know. The only thing I know is how much I want this, I need this. I'm going to stumble on!

Today:
1 Turkey sandwich w cheese (extra...thanks mom): 12 pts
2 servings popcorn: 5pts
2 home made cheeseburgers (1 no bread) on whole wheat buns w/ mayo: 11pts
1 baked potato w/ spinach dip: 6pts
2 servings popcorn: 5pts
1 cup ice cream: 3 pts

Tomorrow to work my veggies back in! EEK! Wish me luck guys, gotta get back up, gotta kick this sickness!

Day 16

This will be the last quick and bad(ish) post. My grandfather was buried today, and so family functions are over. No more food. Finally broke down today. My husband and I went out to Bennigans for dinner. I had a hard time figuring out their point values as they don't publish nutritional information!

Today was pretty bad, the worst even, but I *know* that I have those 35 extra points for a reason. I think most people use them for splurging, I just don't want to. Tomorrow I am going back to the gym and the track!

Today:
1/2 french onion soup 4 pts
half chipoltle burger on wheat 10pts
french fries: 10pts
1/2 order of sw egg rolls 9pts
1/2 long island iced tea: 0pts
food after funeral:
1 1/2 cups rice: 7pts
1 cup chicken:: 7pts
1 cup mac and cheese: 7pts
dessert (mixed plate): 27
Total for the day: 44/44 +27/34 extra
Leftover: 7 extra (renews Tuesday)

I would stay and say more but I have such a bad head ache. Wish me luck for jumping back to the gym tomorrow!