Wow. It really is Day 21. I have been doing this for 3 whole weeks. I love numbering the days because it feels so substantial. Tomorrow begins a new week for me. I know it is weird that I weigh in on Sunday and start my new week on a Tuesday, but I started Weight Watchers before I actually became a member. I have to say I am so very glad I joined and started going to meetings. Its like lighting a fire under me sometimes to remember that I get to go face that scale on Sundays. It is both terrifying and exciting. This past week on diet parade has been a hard one. I lost someone I loved so greatly and so deeply, and I was sick before that and after that, and even now I still have a bit of a cough. And even though I had a loss this week I know I stumbled a bit and I know I can do better. Pop would have wanted me to. He would tell me that I can do anything I put my mind to and I can.
I have learned a lot about myself this week as well. I learned that I can be strong. I can draw my lines in the sand like the best of them. I have learned to defend my choice to lose weight, even though I am surprised that I have to at all! I have begun to learn the art of loving myself just a little. I can see my potential shining through just a little, and baby, it is beautiful. My life is so different from what I wanted it to be. It is painful to say that or to think about it. A lot of the things that I wanted for myself are never going to happen, I have so many precious, and yet missed opportunities. I have let my weight and my self image and my fear dictate my choices and stunt my hopes and dreams for so long. I have let my weight make me feel completely hopeless. I have let myself feel like I was at an end... I believe it is in those moments that we find our greatest strengths, and our strongest commitments. I am 26 years old. I want to stand in line to ride a roller coaster with my husband and know that I will fit when the bar closes. I want to run, without stopping. I want to get in and out of my car without struggling and I want to always be able to wear a seat belt! I want to walk into a regular store and buy regular sized clothing and pay regular sized clothing prices. I want to be a mother. I want to have children safely without worrying that it might kill me, or my child. I want to live longer than my grandfather! I want to be +80! I don't want to fear doctors anymore, or social situations, or restaurant booths. I want to be able to sit in a seat at the theater without hurting myself! I want to be able to sing and not worry if people are looking at me or hearing my voice.
I want to define myself by something other than my weight. This week I have learned that I do have fortitude, and someday soon I will be able to accomplish everything on that list.
So my day in short now that I have been all long and dramatic! I had a great day at the gym today! I upped my speed on the treadmill to 2.3 and I did 20 minutes before my strength, and 30 minutes after instead of 15/15. I am so proud of myself for that. When I first started going to the gym 1.8 was as much as I could do and generally only 15 minutes at all. On Wednesday when I go back to the gym I am going to increase my sets to 3 (right now I do 2 sets/12 reps), and try and do 30/30 cardio. Someday I will get to use the elliptical, when I don't think I will kill myself on it. My husband (and everyone else) is sick, and I didnt feel safe walking alone so late (though I tried with one of my dogs, it was just unnerving), so we didnt make it to the track tonight, but at the gym with the increase I did 1.9 miles! I'd like to get up to 3 miles a day on gym days (incl the track) and 2 miles of just track on non gym days with rest on Sundays.
2 servings taco soup: 7pts
2 cups stirfry veggies (that had some sort of rice noodle in them, less than 1/2 a cup I think but to be safe I counted it as so): 6pts
1 turkey and cheese sandwich on low cal wheat with light mayo, mustard and pickles: 7pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts (I round up)
1 serving Gnocchi Florentine: 8pts (I know dif. from recipe, but I used reg marinara not fat free)
1 cup ice cream: 7pts
1 angel food cake: 1pt
1 ww yogurt: 1pt
Total for the Day: 41/44
I need some good veggie snack ideas! Anything you have would be great!
I'm sorry this post got so emotional, but I need that shove. I need to see these words come out of me. I need to see how much I am hurting because it is so much harder to hide that way, and it pushes me.
1 year ago