The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Day 21

Wow. It really is Day 21. I have been doing this for 3 whole weeks. I love numbering the days because it feels so substantial. Tomorrow begins a new week for me. I know it is weird that I weigh in on Sunday and start my new week on a Tuesday, but I started Weight Watchers before I actually became a member. I have to say I am so very glad I joined and started going to meetings. Its like lighting a fire under me sometimes to remember that I get to go face that scale on Sundays. It is both terrifying and exciting. This past week on diet parade has been a hard one. I lost someone I loved so greatly and so deeply, and I was sick before that and after that, and even now I still have a bit of a cough. And even though I had a loss this week I know I stumbled a bit and I know I can do better. Pop would have wanted me to. He would tell me that I can do anything I put my mind to and I can.

I have learned a lot about myself this week as well. I learned that I can be strong. I can draw my lines in the sand like the best of them. I have learned to defend my choice to lose weight, even though I am surprised that I have to at all! I have begun to learn the art of loving myself just a little. I can see my potential shining through just a little, and baby, it is beautiful. My life is so different from what I wanted it to be. It is painful to say that or to think about it. A lot of the things that I wanted for myself are never going to happen, I have so many precious, and yet missed opportunities. I have let my weight and my self image and my fear dictate my choices and stunt my hopes and dreams for so long. I have let my weight make me feel completely hopeless. I have let myself feel like I was at an end... I believe it is in those moments that we find our greatest strengths, and our strongest commitments. I am 26 years old. I want to stand in line to ride a roller coaster with my husband and know that I will fit when the bar closes. I want to run, without stopping. I want to get in and out of my car without struggling and I want to always be able to wear a seat belt! I want to walk into a regular store and buy regular sized clothing and pay regular sized clothing prices. I want to be a mother. I want to have children safely without worrying that it might kill me, or my child. I want to live longer than my grandfather! I want to be +80! I don't want to fear doctors anymore, or social situations, or restaurant booths. I want to be able to sit in a seat at the theater without hurting myself! I want to be able to sing and not worry if people are looking at me or hearing my voice.

I want to define myself by something other than my weight. This week I have learned that I do have fortitude, and someday soon I will be able to accomplish everything on that list.

So my day in short now that I have been all long and dramatic! I had a great day at the gym today! I upped my speed on the treadmill to 2.3 and I did 20 minutes before my strength, and 30 minutes after instead of 15/15. I am so proud of myself for that. When I first started going to the gym 1.8 was as much as I could do and generally only 15 minutes at all. On Wednesday when I go back to the gym I am going to increase my sets to 3 (right now I do 2 sets/12 reps), and try and do 30/30 cardio. Someday I will get to use the elliptical, when I don't think I will kill myself on it. My husband (and everyone else) is sick, and I didnt feel safe walking alone so late (though I tried with one of my dogs, it was just unnerving), so we didnt make it to the track tonight, but at the gym with the increase I did 1.9 miles! I'd like to get up to 3 miles a day on gym days (incl the track) and 2 miles of just track on non gym days with rest on Sundays.

2 servings taco soup: 7pts
2 cups stirfry veggies (that had some sort of rice noodle in them, less than 1/2 a cup I think but to be safe I counted it as so): 6pts
1 turkey and cheese sandwich on low cal wheat with light mayo, mustard and pickles: 7pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts (I round up)
1 serving Gnocchi Florentine: 8pts (I know dif. from recipe, but I used reg marinara not fat free)
1 cup ice cream: 7pts
1 angel food cake: 1pt
1 ww yogurt: 1pt
Total for the Day: 41/44
Leftover: 3

I need some good veggie snack ideas! Anything you have would be great!

I'm sorry this post got so emotional, but I need that shove. I need to see these words come out of me. I need to see how much I am hurting because it is so much harder to hide that way, and it pushes me.


G said...

Its good to see you can get any positivity after the loss of a loved one, it helps, a lot. Trust me.

Its funny how similar our goals are (except the whole 'be a mom' thing). When the cardio distance starts to increase, it reallllly gets a little boring after a while, you might want to look into audiobooks. They're amazing. I can only listen during cardio though, its to hard to focus while lifting. Just finished the Harry Potter series, all finished on the sidewalks of Ann Arbor!

The ren fest we go to is in Holly, Michigan. A lot (majority) of Midwest and new England states have ren fests. The scotch egg line made me laugh. I've never heard of one until Sunday, when my wife's friend got caught up in a search for one. They were sold out:(

You mentioned the trigger and binge thing with cake and food. What really opened my eyes is throwing what I eat on the food scale (instead of estimating). Looking at a plate of cake and thinking "god, I don't need 8 ounces of cake... I'll put half back" worked great.

Keep it up.

Stages of Change said...

Congrats on your success so far. It sounds like you are making great strides with your exercise and your diet too for that matter.

I can, and this is the beauty of understanding our overall value simply as humans - I can say, without any doubts, that you deserve all of those things you want in life.

All those things you yearn for. You deserve them: Unequivocally.

And, you can have them.

You can do it. It's up to your choices. Your journey is yours to mold and create.

Its an incredible thing to pull ourselves up from the trenches of anger, doubt, self-loathing, etc.. To realize that we can accomplish those things we always told ourselves we couldn't or didn't deserve to.

We can.

We are.

I am very much looking forward to watching your amazing transfromation unfold.

It will be wonderful.

Scarlet Simple said...

G - Finding the positivity was really, really hard. I just had to keep thinking that he wouldn't have wanted to be the reason I gave up again.

I like that our goals are similar, I'm not as surprised though, I think we both just want to enjoy living life thoroughly! you are so right! Cardio does get boring. I need to upload my Dark Tower audio books since I cant seem to finish them in print.

I didn't know there were any other faires running at the same time as the MD faire. I remember when the scotch egg first came to MD faire. The line to get one was HUGE. People were obsessed.

You remind me, I need to take my crappy food scale back to wal-mart and get a nice one that actually works!


@stages of change - Thank you so much for your kind words. I am also looking forward to watching you meet your goals. You too deserve everything you want out of life. You are right about our choices deciding our journey. I hope we both stay out of the trenches.

Best of luck, and love.