The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Day 22

So today I was reading a few very inspirational blogs, one of which made mention of the gastric bypass, and the pressure that they felt to go and have such a serious alteration made to his body. Pressure from his family and friends. I have personally struggled with the decision not to have this surgery, and I felt for him. I have been there! I have had people begging me in literal tears to have that surgery. On one hand I know people love me, I know they just want what is best for me, and they want to see my happy. On the other hand, they have no idea how hard it is to be in that position. It takes an amazing amount of strength to make that decision no matter what you choose.

All of this reminded me of a something that happened shortly after I moved into the house I am currently living in. I was having a bit of an informal dinner party with friends. We were all sitting around my kitchen table playing Risk when I heard a knock at the door. It was the woman who lives across the street from me. She was drunk, and people were yelling from across the street at her. No one was being rude or anything, they were all just drunk and rowdy and telling her to leave us alone. She started out by talking to me about how neighbors never talk anymore, and how they are nice people and she is sure we are nice people and on and on. Being inebriated tends to make one ramble. I forgave her and humored her and was polite. She was kind of charming. Then she goes into how worried about my health is (I don't even know her name!) and how she had the gastric bypass and how it changed her life and how much better she was for it. She told me I needed to come and talk to her about it, and start making phone calls and "please, please" for your health and your husband have the bypass. This went on for quite some time. I felt frozen to my front porch. One of my friends came to the door and started to pull it open. I promptly slammed it shut. I was ashamed! I was mortified. I didn't want anyone else to hear it. She finally went away, and hasn't ever really spoken to me again. There are actually very few people I have told about this. I find this to be one of the most painful memories I have. I'm not angry with her, and I don't hold a grudge. I'm sure somewhere in her head she thought she was being helpful, not dealing me an emotional death blow.

I'm not ready to give myself over to surgery yet. In fact I don't think I will ever be. I'll admit that sometimes I think about it. I would be lying to say I didn't. I have even in fact fantasized about it. Reality couldn't have matched up. There is no quick fix, I know that. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life, and I don't think I will be. I know I can do this without surgery, I know I have this in me. I'm not saying that people who make the choice to have the surgery (whatever kind) are wrong, I'm just saying I know it would be wrong for me.

I'm posting this so that anyone else out there struggling with some mortifying memory or experience doesn't feel alone because God, I really did. It was an all new rock bottom wake up call. I don't want to be defined by this anymore.

Today I did 3 miles! I am so proud of myself and so exhausted! Tomorrow I will try and do 3 more plus my strength circuit. I also got all of my points in today!

Today:
1 Serving Gnocchi Florentine: 8pts
1 pb&j on a pita thin: 6pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1 can soup (with 2 servings veggies!): 3pts
15 thin crisps: 2pts
1 serving sw dip: 1pts
1 piece cake (ww recipe from Ashley's Mom, not sure of the exact points so I over estimated): 5pts
2 servings (4 servings veggies at least) Chicken and Veggie Lo-Mein w/ tofu shirataki noodles: 15pts
1/2 cup ice cream: 3pts
1 low cal angel food cake: 1pts

I think I managed around 7 servings of veggies all told today. I have some plans for my veggie intake tomorrow that should help me eliminate some of my bad snacking and up my veggie intake.

6 comments:

CinciMom11 said...

Things like that are so hard. I remember when I was finishing up middle school or starting high school that one of the boys on the bus told me I probably weighed more than his dad. He was, however, trying to be mean. Another boy on the bus used to call me Shamu. Ouch. Like the teenage years aren't hard enough! I kind of block stuff like that out of my head.

Rayne said...

seeee 4 paragraph blogs...

<3 your amazing Ruby.

Rebekah Costello said...

Being cornered like that by a "well meaning" person is nauseatingly humiliating. Once, it was a young man of marrying age telling me I would find a husband if I would just loose weight (I was 16, this was at shul). Another, when I was 19 cornered me at the register I worked at. A midle-aged woman who just kept staring at me. Finally, nervously, I said, "eh...can I help you with something?" She asked me how old I was and then proceeded to cluck at me and shake her head. "You're too young to be letting yourself go like this. You could be beautiful if you'd just loose about oh, 80-100lbs. I can say these things because I'm a professional make-up artist. I work with models. You could model, even, maybe, if only you weren't so fat."

At the time it was all I could do to keep the tears from spilling (I DO NOT CRY IN PUBLIC) but later, even now, it just makes me angry. As if beauty is only defined by my WEIGHT. I COULD BE beautiful? Bitch, I AM beautiful. Not my fault if you're so busy looking at my ass you can't see my face. *snort*

Rettakat said...

I feel the same as you...wt loss surgery may be right for some people, but not for ME. I have looked into it, and in the past even TRIED to get it, but I am now thankful that my insurance denied me.

After the surgery there are very strict rules to eating...and I finally figured out that if I could do it AFTER the surgery, why couldn't I do it NOW, and not have my guts rearranged for life...let alone all the risks of surgery and health risks that come with it afterwards.

My sister in law almost died from malnutrition because she had trouble absorbing nutrients after the surgery. Another friend regained most of his weight...now what? And three people I knew in my little circle have DIED, either during the surgery or afterwards from complications.

Yeah, I'm sort of opinionated about it...LOL!!

I am glad you got that memory OUT of you about the drunk neighbor. Memories like that don't go away unless dealt with...they fester in the dark, until we expose them to the light. Good job shining the light on this one, and allowing it to heal!
Loretta

Molly Higgs said...

::hug::

Scarlet Simple said...

Cincimom - I've had those kinds of experiences too. They really are hard. I wonder if those people ever stop to think about the fact that we still think and feel!

Ashley - I love you too, and I think that you are amazing.

Retta - It bothers me very much that the new go to treatment for obesity is bariatric surgery.

I wish I had the courage to deal with things like that in the moment so that they would never get so "sore" you know?

Molly - *hug*