The Journey So Far...

The Journey So Far...

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Day 19

I am posting this picture for Rettakat. She is dressing up for a themed banquet this year for the first time, and I wanted to share my struggle with her, and everyone else.

I am intimidated by fashion (and clothes and makeup and really all female rituals).

There are a lot of things I don't do. I don't wear make up, I don't dress up, I don't do fun things to my hair. I don't draw attention to myself. Ever. I have never wanted people to look at me before my husband. Now I know how he looks at me, and sometimes I wonder about other people. Chad works at UPS and sometimes he talks about walking me into the plant so I can see everything, like how packages are sorted, etc. I am interested. Honest to GOD I am, but every time he mentions it I am filled with panic. I don't want him to be judged because of my weight. I don't ever want to look at him and see shame. It would kill me. In my heart I know that he would never think to feel that way about me. I know he loves me and is proud of me, but my insecurities eat away at me.

The other night I was looking at a picture of myself and I told him, "Sometimes I think I could be beautiful." Of course he sighed and affirmed (and corrected by telling me I was, and not could be.) my statement, not knowing how incredibly painful it was to say that out loud. I want to say it more often, until its just a word (like "fat"), and I'm okay with using it to represent myself. I think everyone else is beautiful so why cant I be comfortable when someone else says I am? I want to be pretty and graceful and feminine. I have had so few experiences in my life where I felt pretty without also being uncomfortable or feeling silly. Like yeah, I'm pretty, for a side show. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to be negative. I feel like I'm having a slow epiphany. I am pretty. I am already feminine. I'm not really all that graceful, but that will come too. I haven't reached my full potential because its buried beneath the surface. But it is there, and I'm digging it out. In the mean time, I have to get out there and rejoin the human race. I have to trust my husband when he tells me that I am beautiful, because he is my greatest ally.

Anyway, I'm saying this because I felt beautiful last year on Halloween. It wasn't the last time either. I hope you feel beautiful too!

Tomorrow is the weigh in! I'm terrified to be honest. I have not gone over my points, but I have eaten badly. I know it, I'm going to face it. It's all part of reaching my goal. I have to learn from my mistakes even when everyone else says I had so many reasons to mess up this week. I know the only person I am helping or hurting is me. I am accountable to myself. I will beat this. I will get better every week, every day, every single moment.

Today was difficult because I woke up with a migraine that took 6 hours to subside. Once it did subside it sat in the background for most of the rest of the day. It was so bad my husband had to walk me down the stairs and my mother offered to take me to the E.R. Right, no, but had it lasted any longer I might have accepted. I couldn't eat until almost 7pm, when I finally stopped feeling nauseous. Please send me not sick vibes! I need them so desperately! I cant even cough anymore because it feels like driving nails into my skull.

1 cup cooked oatmeal w/ 1/2 cup mango chunks: 3pts
1 angel food cake w/jam: 2pts
1 cup skim milk: 2pts
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken w/o rice: 4pts
1 pita flat: 1pts
1 large coffee with cream: 4pts
1 serving chicken chow mein w/ rice: 7pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts
2 pizza bagels w/ ranch: 13pts
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4

Considering I started around 6 or 7pm...I'm good. Wish me weigh in luck!


Bre said...

You seem like such a strong woman!! You're doing great... keep it up. :)

Rettakat said...

Oh....I could have written the first part of this!!! I am so touched by is absolutely from your heart of hearts, and this is one of those rare times I can say that I TOTALLY know how you feel. From visiting your husbands work, to not bothering with hair and stuff, to not wanting to draw attention to yourself, to wanting to feel feminine, and the deepest: how badly it would cut if you ever saw the shame in your husband's eyes. Yes...I can only feel grateful for having such a wonderful husband that he loves me, and sees the REAL me, past the exterior.

You are really getting important insights here...I believe it is this kind of self-honesty and self-understanding that helps us make tremendous progress.

And your costume is adorable!! I will definitely take photos of the is next month on the 23rd.


100in12 said...

thank you for your comment! I have just been checking out your blog and it is great (and your recipe one! I also love to cook)

apologies in advance to the length of this comment - but this post really spoke to me! I also posted something about the shame I feel sometimes being out and about with people I love, or out at all. And GOOD FOR YOU for seeing that you are beautiful and saying it outloud. Because first of all, YOU ARE. And secondly, it's 100% important that you think so, and it's okay to think so. I sometimes struggle with the idea that it's okay and a positive thing to think that I'm pretty, because somehow I got it in my head that I shouldn't think that, mostly due to my weight.

BUT NO! Regardless of our weights, we are still people. With faces. and feelings. And regular insecurities and confidences. And you have every right to feel and say you're beautiful because you are.

*steps off soapbox*

(sorry about your migraine and good luck on the weigh in tomorrow - mine's then too!)

Scarlet Simple said...

You guys are all so amazing. I almost never feel like anything I could say will be as meaningful as what you have written here.

Bre- You keep your chin up, and I think you will be fine!

Retta - I too believe that blogging like this is a strength. I'm being honest with myself and everyone else and it feels wonderful to be able to be so raw and have people say, "You know, I have so been there!" When I'm not feeling it, and I read that someone else is or someone posts something motivational, or especially when someone posts something that hits home with me, even when its painful, it makes me want to keep going. It makes us want to win.

@100in12- I don't mind the length of the comment at all!

That is one thing I love love about WW. I can cook so many things, and I get to learn new ways to do it!

I love your comment because it is also so true. As a woman I feel like I don't fit the correct mold sometimes. I feel like I have been taught subconsciously (whether by my poor self image or media or whatever) to accept some things as beauty and some others as not. What is worse is that even though I can see the beauty in things some people can not it is so crazy hard for me to look at my own face in the mirror and tell myself that I am in fact beautiful and worthy. I am though! We all are!

Thank you so much for your comments. :)

Molly Higgs said...

I've always thought you were beautiful. Sometimes I was even jealous! You have such beautiful hair and when you smile you light up everything around you. I love you! ::hug::

P.S. Anybody got a goat?