I am posting this picture for Rettakat. She is dressing up for a themed banquet this year for the first time, and I wanted to share my struggle with her, and everyone else.
I am intimidated by fashion (and clothes and makeup and really all female rituals).
There are a lot of things I don't do. I don't wear make up, I don't dress up, I don't do fun things to my hair. I don't draw attention to myself. Ever. I have never wanted people to look at me before my husband. Now I know how he looks at me, and sometimes I wonder about other people. Chad works at UPS and sometimes he talks about walking me into the plant so I can see everything, like how packages are sorted, etc. I am interested. Honest to GOD I am, but every time he mentions it I am filled with panic. I don't want him to be judged because of my weight. I don't ever want to look at him and see shame. It would kill me. In my heart I know that he would never think to feel that way about me. I know he loves me and is proud of me, but my insecurities eat away at me.
The other night I was looking at a picture of myself and I told him, "Sometimes I think I could be beautiful." Of course he sighed and affirmed (and corrected by telling me I was, and not could be.) my statement, not knowing how incredibly painful it was to say that out loud. I want to say it more often, until its just a word (like "fat"), and I'm okay with using it to represent myself. I think everyone else is beautiful so why cant I be comfortable when someone else says I am? I want to be pretty and graceful and feminine. I have had so few experiences in my life where I felt pretty without also being uncomfortable or feeling silly. Like yeah, I'm pretty, for a side show. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to be negative. I feel like I'm having a slow epiphany. I am pretty. I am already feminine. I'm not really all that graceful, but that will come too. I haven't reached my full potential because its buried beneath the surface. But it is there, and I'm digging it out. In the mean time, I have to get out there and rejoin the human race. I have to trust my husband when he tells me that I am beautiful, because he is my greatest ally.
Anyway, I'm saying this because I felt beautiful last year on Halloween. It wasn't the last time either. I hope you feel beautiful too!
Tomorrow is the weigh in! I'm terrified to be honest. I have not gone over my points, but I have eaten badly. I know it, I'm going to face it. It's all part of reaching my goal. I have to learn from my mistakes even when everyone else says I had so many reasons to mess up this week. I know the only person I am helping or hurting is me. I am accountable to myself. I will beat this. I will get better every week, every day, every single moment.
Today was difficult because I woke up with a migraine that took 6 hours to subside. Once it did subside it sat in the background for most of the rest of the day. It was so bad my husband had to walk me down the stairs and my mother offered to take me to the E.R. Right, no, but had it lasted any longer I might have accepted. I couldn't eat until almost 7pm, when I finally stopped feeling nauseous. Please send me not sick vibes! I need them so desperately! I cant even cough anymore because it feels like driving nails into my skull.
1 cup cooked oatmeal w/ 1/2 cup mango chunks: 3pts
1 angel food cake w/jam: 2pts
1 cup skim milk: 2pts
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken w/o rice: 4pts
1 pita flat: 1pts
1 large coffee with cream: 4pts
1 serving chicken chow mein w/ rice: 7pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts
2 pizza bagels w/ ranch: 13pts
Total for the Day: 40/44
Considering I started around 6 or 7pm...I'm good. Wish me weigh in luck!
1 year ago