Day 4

Years ago when my husband Chad and I were dating very seriously at an age when we should have been dealing with high school drama, we decided to take a bubble bath together. That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do right? He was excited, I was...nervous. I undressed and got in first, then he got (his skinny butt) in and sat down. That's about all that we could do. I did manage to wash his back, and we stuck it out as long as we could until he said: "I don't think that this is going to work." Now I know that he didn't mean: "God, you are so fat that we cant be in the same tub." He just meant it wasn't working. I laughed as he got out, and he told me tonight that he always assumed I was laughing at his naked butt or something. I was actually laughing because I was so nervous I was afraid I was going to cry very, very hard. I didn't want him to see that I felt so weak, and hideous because I was afraid that if he saw that I felt that way, he would begin to believe it, or realize he'd known it all along. Today, I know that I'm not a monster, in fact sometimes I think I might be pretty. And that same boy, that skinny wonderful boy who was excited to see me naked all those years ago, still wants to see me naked. Tonight he and I went to the movies, after a long day for me. I did go picking berries in the rain with friends, HOURS before I am usually awake in the morning, and I spent the day with a friend doing laundry and helping her out, I felt tired by 7pm today, when bedtime is 4am. After the movie he and I were talking about all of this stuff in the car, and I realized what I want for our 2nd anniversary. I want to stay one night in a place with bathtubs big enough for us to take a (bubble) bath together in. Now, my anniversary is October 17th, and who knows what we will find by then. But maybe, just maybe by October 17th I'll be well (solidly) on my way to being able to take a bath with my wonderful skinny boy in my own bathtub!

Today the points seemed easier to me. I am noticing that I am getting hungry more often. Not horribly painful hungry, but small pangs. I can deal with those. They make me feel like I am doing something right. When I go to my meeting on Sunday I am going to ask if this is okay. I am consuming all of my points. I even used some of my extra points today on a serving of pumpkin risotto after the movie. I felt uneasy when we got home from the movie. I felt like I was in serious danger of binging for the first time since starting Weight Watchers...so I used 7 extra points. I cant always be perfect, but I can cope, and create strategy, and I can learn from myself. I still don't know how strong I am, but I want this. I want this, I want this, I want this.

Today:

Snack:
1 serving cheddar popcorn: 3pts
Breakfast (or first meal)
2 servings taco soup: 7pts
1 slice cheese: 1pts
snack:
1 cup fake: 4pts
Lunch:
1 serving stir fry: 6pts
2 servings raw bell pepper sliced: 1pts
1 serving dip: 1pts
snack:
1 cup fake: 4pts
Misc:
tasting Alex's pie: 4pts (not sure what two bites would be)
Dinner:
1 pizza turnover: 4pts
snack at theatre:
popcorn: 7pts
Extra:
Chicken and pumpkin risotto: 9pts
Total for the day: 44/44 and 7/35(extra weekly points)
None left over.

I feel like I ate all day! Also, tell me why I feel so damned guilty about those extra 7 points?