Day 173

There was no gym today but I was on my feet until a short while ago. We spent the day out, walking through stores so I did get a bit of (a weak) a work out.

This is a short post because I have my meeting bright and early tomorrow morning and I don't want to have any excuses as to why I cant go.

We ate out today with my mom, and honestly I didn't think I did that badly but the points values of one thing in particular shocked me. We ate at Outback today as we haven't been out in a good while and life has been so stressful we just wanted to get away. We took my mom to lunch too.

Today:
Some of a bloomin' onion (probably less than 1/3, but I figured I would count it high to be sure): 12
2/3 of a 9oz sirloin: 6
1 baked yam with butter: 13?? (GOOD LORD! I know the website calculates brown sugar on top, which I didn't get but seriously? There could not possibly have been more than a tbsp of butter on there. I'm counting the points as the website showed them though.)
side of steamed broccoli: 0
low fat chocolate milk: 8
1 serving sunchips: 4
43/42

My food was awful today, but being one point over doesn't bother me at all, especially when I haven't gone over my points or used any of my allotted extras in a while. I think that tomorrow I will show a loss, but I'm not sure that I will show one worthy of the time spent away from my meetings. I deserve every second of that though, and I'm back on track now. Here is to hoping for the best! I am really looking forward to being done with moving and getting back to a regular existence and not having to worry about moving for a while. It is completely doing me in emotionally!

Edit: I almost forgot to mention my NSV! I fit into a size 26 pants on Thursday night! WOOT! I am down from almost a 34! I need to take my measurements soon!

Day 172

I went red today! I haven't dyed my hair in years, and I really just wanted something different. The shades in my hair are violet red, red red, and copper. My aunt owns a salon and does great work, in fact in my entire life, no one has ever touched my hair but her.

Please pardon the exposed bra, and such. It is kinda hard to keep it all restrained without a turtle neck or something. As you can see I am wearing two bras. The girls are shrinking though - yahoo! I posted this one because I was told it was the best one of me in quite a while. I do like the next one though.

This is the same hair, pulled back.

I feel like since starting to lose weight I look better. I don't mean just size wise either. My skin, and my eyes are just so much more bright. Sometimes I feel the weight too, I just feel lighter on my feet. Maybe in my darker moments I should go grab over 60lbs of potatoes and haul them around the grocery store for a while to remind me of how far I have come. I kinda felt like I deserved some color!

There was no gym today, but that was planned because of the hair appointment (that was 4 of us getting overhauls at once, so it took some time). I have tentative plans to go tomorrow though. My goal is to get back to going 4 days a week regularly. I think I can hack it.

My meeting is Sunday too. I wont miss this one, or anymore if I can help it. I'm almost caught up to the parade!

Today:
1 1/4 cup bran flakes: 2
3/4 cup skim milk: 2
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 serving shredded potatoes: 1
1 serving cauliflower: 0
1 serving low fat shredded cheese: 2
1/2 serving shredded buffalo chicken: 3
1 veggie burger: 2
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 zucchini: 0
1 jalapeno: 0
1/3 serving sweet potato fries: 1
1 serving ranch: 2
1 serving spaghetti: 3
1 cup sauce (heavily laden with veggies): 3
1 slice cheese: 1
2nd serving of dinner incl cheese and extra point for extra serving: 8
1 serving bread: 2
38/42

Short again, but only by 4 points!

Day 171

So this video, if it loads is me (in red) and Becky in blue singing karaoke like we do every Thursday night. It is the worst night food wise for me not because I over eat or eat bad food, but because I don't get to eat enough (though I try) and I spend the night drinking diet soda. It is a lot of fun though, and I wouldn't give it up for the world.

I did go to the gym today, and I took it a little easy today as I am having some pain in my left leg, and my left hip. I did a full circuit, but shortened my cardio.

Sorry this is so short but its pretty late and I have a long day tomorrow...and it is snowing.

Today:
1 cup chili mac: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
2 breakfast burritos (home made):
2 whole wheat tortillas: 4
2 veggie burgers: 4
2 servings shredded potatoes: 2
2 jalapenos: 0
1 serving american cheese: 2
1 serving salsa: 0
1 serving ranch dressing: 2
extra point for extra serving: 1
1 cup grapes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving buffalo chicken: 5
1 serving sweet potato fries: 4
1 package low fat cupcakes: 2
33/42

Also, I got all of your wonderful comments. It feels really good to know that there are people out there doing the same thing I am and that you are are watching me. I'm not the inspiration, you are.

Day 170

This is actually me. You see, I had forgotten about this picture until today. It was taken almost exactly a year ago in Georgia at Big Pie In The Sky Pizzeria, the site of a previous Man VS Food episode. So of course on our way to New Orleans we had to stop.

So today a friend of mine posted this on Facebook. I'm not mad about it, in fact I'm glad she did. This picture shocked me. I'm now wondering if perhaps 417.8 was not my highest weight.

I don't feel the way I did when this picture was taken anymore. I still cringe when someone takes my picture and I still sometimes avoid the mirror, but the person in that picture is very unhappy. I am not very unhappy. I have my moments, and I have depression and anxiety, but I'm happy. I like who I am and I am determined to shave away at the physical side until I'm happy with that too.

Today started out pretty good. I have continued my productive streak, and I did in fact go back to the gym today. It was a cardio only day so I finished an hour on the treadmill. I think it is shaping up to be light week strength training wise. I wanted to get back to it and so I have. I'll step it back up again sometime next week, or early the week after. My cardio has not suffered at all though, and I'm proud of that. I need new shoes though, as mine are starting to hurt my feet and I really need a better stretching routine.

Later in the day I had some more stress added to my plate. Just when you think there can't be anything else right? I guess that's life. More importantly, despite wanting to console myself with comfort food, I stayed on plan.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
2 oz leftover pork tenderloin: 2
1 cup vegetable stir fry mix: 2
1 jalapeno: 0
2tbsp peanut sauce: 2
1 can soup: 7
1 oz crackers: 2
1/2 cup grapes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 3
1 serving chili mac: 5
1 slice american cheese: 1
Less than one serving of bean soup: 4
1 slice american cheese: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
1 yogurt: 2
38/42

Now that its after 2 am I can't eat anything else, but I'm not going to sweat 4 points.

Day 169

I was even more productive today! I actually really am (I know I keep saying this too!) feeling better.

At the gym today I did an hour on the treadmill and I did do some strength training, but a lighter session for me with decreased reps for today. I think its a strong showing and I feel like I have enough confidence to get back in there again tomorrow.

Bad news though! There is supposed to be more snow coming to Baltimore in the next two days. This actually unnerves me. I get caught up in my house and can't go anywhere. With nothing to do I get discouraged and old habits start creeping in. Recently I discovered that I was in fact an emotional eater despite previously believing that I wasn't, but first and foremost I eat when I am bored. So I need some positive solutions for this. There are plenty of exercise videos on demand, and today went well after creating a to do list. Like I said today was productive. Mentally I need to be looking for something physical to do as opposed to eating. Maybe it wont snow?

I should say that my over all goal in the above paragraph and life itself is to replace my bad habits (like eating when bored) with good habits or more positive responses. This I think is pretty pivotal to the process and my inevitable success. Yes, I said inevitable. See? I'm with it!

Today:
1 plain chick fil a grilled chicken sandwich: 6
1 serving fat free honey mustard: 1
1 fruit cup: 2
1 whole wheat bagel: 3
1 serving chicken salad: 3
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 large serving carrots: 0
1/2 cup roasted butternut squash: 3
1 cup cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving lemon chicken and artichokes: 7
1/2 cup rice: 2
3 asparagus spears (I hate asparagus.): 0
3 slices of orange and 1/2 cup grapes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
the last of the chicken salad about 3/4ths of a serving: 2
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving crackers: 2
1 hot chocolate with heart shaped marshmallows: 6
42/42

Day 168

You win some, you lose some...for now. I did not make it to the gym today but I promised my mother and more importantly myself that I would go tomorrow. So I skipped that battle for the day. However I do believe I am finally completely back on track food wise. I have even posted some recipes.

I need to create another short term weight loss goal to aim for, as I do not believe I am going to make my February 28th goal. I'm kinda sad about that, and a little disappointed, but honestly who can I blame? Me. I made the choices that have gotten me to this point, good and bad. I still feel like I am doing really well despite the fact that I have been dragging my feet. I want it to be fast, and I want it to be easy but it will never be that. Slow and steady wins the war, and again "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." Yeah, I still feel like this is war. I will create a new goal on Sunday after my weigh in.

Today:
1 1/2 cups bean soup: 6
1/4th cup rice: 1
1 piece dove chocolate 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving chicken salad: 3
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving spinach: 0
steamed carrots 0
1 yogurt 2
1 can soup: 7
1 serving crackers: 2
3oz lean pork tenderloin: 3
1 1/6 serving indian spiced cauliflower and potatoes: 7
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 cup hot chocolate: 4
41/42

Not so bad I think. I ate a nice amount of veggies today and got in all of my other daily recommended requirements. Trudging along nicely again, soon I'll be back to marching.

Day 167

Okay today was much more productive. I feel like I am being proactive again. I went grocery shopping with diet in mind and ate well today. I also have definite plans to go to the gym tomorrow night.

This week is going to be all about getting back into the swing of things and doing it while life is spinning crazily around me. I know these are supposed to be life habits and changes and so I need to get used to having my diet be my "normal" food response even when stressed or challenged.

I have spent the last few days reaffirming my goals and my NSV's and I feel like I am recharging a bit. This is how I know I have the right goals for me, they are pushing me in the right direction instead of making me feel oppressed or trapped.

Today:
1 baked potato with cheese and chili instead of a separate chili: 8
w/ light sour cream: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
3oz leftover lean steak: 4
1 slice american cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 bite ice cream -1
1 homemade skillet steak fajita with peppers and onions: 7
w light sour cream: 1
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 bag popcorn: 5
Another fajita w/sour cream: 8
1 cup roasted butter nut squash: 3
42/42

7 servings of veggies today along with a recipe that desperately needs to be posted tomorrow afternoon. I have a few more coming including a recipe for Indian Spiced Cauliflower and Potatoes which I will be trying tomorrow night! Getting back into cooking new things helps me to feel more passionate about diet parade too. I really think I am feeling better and I am so sorry to drag you all through what just might be a midst of a case of seasonal depression. Wish me luck!

Here I go again, forever.

Day 163

I am coming back slowly here. I have been floating listlessly around this week. I am starting to feel better I think. I haven't been off (again) but I haven't been trying very hard. I read once that a lot of the people who start a weight loss blog fall off the radar in short time. I dont want to be one of those people, but I do understand them. I understand life being overwhelming. I understand there being more to think about than how many points my dinner is going to be. I understand being stressed and needing to give this a back burner, but I don't understand not wanting this more than anything else ever. So for what its worth, I am not going to fade away. I will keep this up even if my coverage here is spotty (which I hope it isn't). Like I have said before I dont always know what to say, but I think I can just keep saying what I feel.

We have a bill for over $1400 dollars that is due in 9 days, we are moving in 18 days, and our car is giving us trouble. I do feel overwhelmed and stressed. This isn't an excuse to eat the wrong things, but it does leave me looking for that crutch I'm trying so desperately to walk without. I have said it time and time again but I don't think people who aren't trying to lose weight understand: This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. It isn't about "just not eating", it isn't that simple. I feel like a plant struggling for life because of the weeds that have grown into my roots. I'm fighting to separate myself from this thing that has become an intricate, almost connatural part of me. The emotions that go along with splitting from this part of myself are intense and real and sometimes physical.

I am not perfect, nor do I wish to be. I'm here, in both good and bad times to help myself heal, and to promote growth. This has been my anchor whenever I felt like I was drifting away. I felt like I needed to come back here.

Time to catch up with the parade.

Today:
Sushi: 12
1 cup vegetable stirfry: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 1/4 cup bran flakes: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 meatball sandwich (home made): 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1 (homemade) quesadilla: 5
1 serving ice cream: 3
42/42

Day 156

Just a quick post tonight to let you know whats going on, and to post a day of FOOD. Yes, I am in fact tracking!

I'm still snowed in, and running out of groceries so it has been a day of leftovers. Next week (Monday) I am going back to the gym (unless it snows again).

Today:
4oz pasta: 4
1/4 cup sauce: 1
6 meat balls: 3
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 oz crackers: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
6 meat balls: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1/2 cup peas: 1
4 oz egg noodles: 4
1 serving no peak chicken: 4
4 oz pasta: 4
6 meat balls: 3
1/4 cup sauce: 1
1 serving ranch: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
41/42

So I managed to get to my points...but um, I am sick to death of meat balls! Come on grocery day! (Saturday this week.) Back to better foods soon!

Day 152-155

Picture #1: my street, with actual freaking snow dunes.
Picture #2: my room mates husband shoveling
Picture#3: my husband posing in the snow with our oldest doggie, Shadow.

So Baltimore is currently experiencing the worst winter its had in what appears to be over 100 years. I have been (for all intents and purposes) snowed in since last Friday. Diet parade isn't going so strong right now. I'm not off or quitting, but seriously? Life itself has sort of come to a halt. We have been playing board games and watching movies and shoveling and shoveling and shoveling.

We are supposed to be getting more snow on Monday.

What I want is for the roads to be clear enough for me to get to the gym, and OUT of the house for something OTHER than the grocery store.

More later, don't give up on me, I haven't given up either!

Day 150, 151

Snow days! I tracked on Friday, but not on Saturday. I took a small break being that we were stuck, literally in the house and getting a little cagey. We are still stuck actually.

I will be making a real post tonight. Stay tuned!

Some of these are through my screen as I am not going outside in my jammies. Also ignore the camera date as I haven't fixed it yet.


Above is right over my back door. I happened to look up while letting the dogs out! Its like a mini frozen tsnownami!


This is my back yard + dog poo.

And apparently we are getting another 6+ inches Tues-Wednesday. Yeah.

Day 149

Sorry about the delay in posting for day 149. Yesterday was crazed with everyone getting ready for the big snow and then karaoke. We do in fact have snow! So the WW meeting on Sunday is almost certainly canceled.

In any case today:
1 vita top: 1
1/2 yogurt: 1
1 gigantic salad with:
spinach: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
bell peppers: 0
pickles: 0
beets: 1
chick peas: 2
1/2 egg: 1
carrots: 0
1 serving salad topper: 1
3tbsp ranch: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving meat loaf: 8
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 tbsp bbq: 1
2 servings pasta with meat and veggie sauce: 14
1 oz crackers: 2
a few bites full fat ice cream: 4
42/42 + 4/35

Day 148

I had my first diet parade nightmare last night. It's strange that I am having it now, so many weeks into this... In the dream (I'm so bad at remembering them) I was being chased by something bad (thus the running, it was probably asparagus...) and all of the sudden out of nowhere there was a desk and a scale. The normal WW receptionist was behind the desk, and the meeting leader was off to the side. Somehow, I knew I had to get on the scale and when I did I showed a gain. Then I was so devastated and they were yelling at me. It was pretty terrible. Don't worry though, when I woke up I found myself more amused than horrified honestly. It helps that I know that I could gain 20lbs and my meeting leader and the receptionist would never yell at me. They are great people.

It also helps that I made it to the gym again today! I did another 60 minutes (2.66 miles) on the treadmill and my full circuit. Now for your daily dose of "duh": When I enter my work out into the fitness computer there is a screen where you enter the intensity of your work out. Then it gives you calories burned. I have always entered "2" because on the treadmill I am still in the 2's as far as miles per hour go. Today I was enlightened to the fact that I am doing it wrong. It isn't about the treadmill setting, its about perceived exertion. According to that scale and the results of the computer today I have been shorting myself anywhere from 150 to 350 calories burned per day! Eek.

I am going to be running to bed early again tonight. I do not know why I am so tired so early these days, but I am. Last night I finally for the first time in weeks slept for 7 1/2 hours straight without waking. It felt awesome. I am aiming for that again tonight.

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 serving pulled buffalo chicken: 5
1 serving spinach: 0
2 servings green beans: 0
1 serving light margarine: 1
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 oz crackers: 2
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1/4 cup dried cherries: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving meat loaf: 8
1 cup mashed potatoes: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1/20 cup steamed peas: 1
1 serving bbq sauce: 1
38/42

Is anyone else living in the area that is going to be affected by this monster snow storm coming on the weekend?

Day 147

I am updating early tonight because it is so cold that all I want to do is hide under the covers! Baltimore is in the middle of another 6 inch snow shower to be followed this weekend by up to 24+ inches. I loved snow as a child...as an adult...not so much. My husband still has to be out driving in it and it almost certainly means no Weight Watchers meeting on Sunday.

I did go to the gym in the snow though. I did my 60 minutes of cardio on the treadmill and ran (very, very slowly) home. I took another little step though. I checked out the weight limit on the elliptical machine. It is 400 lbs so I can use it. I got on it a little after I finished my 60 minutes and I might try doing a little each day until I can do 30 there and 30 on the treadmill.

Today so far:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1/4th cup dried cherries: 2
1 can soup: 7
1 oz crackers: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 egg: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 tsp light margarine: 1
1 tbsp bbq sauce: 1
1 serving cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving pulled buffalo chicken: 5
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 large serving grapes: 2
1 oz crackers: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1/2 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving sw mustard: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 vita top chocolate chip: 1
42/42

Day 146

The gym went well today. I finished my full circuit, and did 60 minutes on the treadmill. I am up to 2.7 consistently now so that's 2.66 miles in 60 minutes. At some point next week I will attempt to start trying 2.8. Leg lifts and wall push ups before bed!

I'm pretty proud of myself because today even though I had some errands to run, I managed to eat pretty balanced food today. In fact the only thing I didn't manage to do that I wanted to do today was my laundry.

Short post tonight, for once I'm tired!

Today:
1 chocolate chip vita top: 1
1/2 yogurt: 1
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 5
w/sauce: 1
1 cup chopped fresh fruit: 1
1 large salad w/ dressing: 7
1 oz crackers: 2
1/4 cup dried cherries: 2
1 serving (home made) chicken pot pie with corn bread crust: 10
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 cup hot chocolate: 4
1 serving marshmallows: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
42/42

It is shaping up to be a great week!

Day 145

The meeting was canceled, but I couldn't get anyone on the phone, and being the paranoid person I am I drove out there anyway. So, not wanting to skip a weigh in I came home and weighed myself here. Now again, my scale here is wonky at times so the weight I am going to give could change or whatnot. I weighed 355.8, which would mean I lost 5.8lbs this week. I'm counting it, but not calling it set in stone.

This is me (in blue) in highschool. I was 17 years old and already over 300lbs. I was taking blood pressure meds and skipping gym for fear of embarrassing myself or being embarrassed. Everyone else is talking about being over weight as a child so I thought I might throw my penny in the ring. I have been fat for my entire life. I have never been thin, or felt beautiful or athletic. I skipped social functions and epic events in my life to avoid being reminded of that. I have been called every name possible in the book by classmates, friends, family, and even random people on the street I don't know. Once I wouldn't share my labwork with a girl in my science class in highschool and later overheard her telling some of my other classmates that I "smelled, because all fat people do". I have been refused seats on a public bus before because someone didn't want to sit next to me. Being fat doesnt just make you the butt of fat jokes...it makes you the butt of every joke imaginable. People start looking at you like the weakest link and you end up looking like a safe target.

I regret being fat, I really do. There are so many things that I would change about myself physically. Physically, but not mentally. There is that one thing about being fat that I can actually appreciate. I am not one of those people. I don't exclude people based on their appearances and I certainly don't try and make myself feel better about my insecurities by hurting other people. I'm not a party girl, or promiscuous, nor do I desire to be. I'm smart, I have a mind of my own and a life (outside of being fat) that I wouldn't give up for all the money in the world. I'm not saying that being obese made me the person I am today, but I can say with certainty that it was a definite front runner in the shaping of who I am. How could it not be? It really is like a shell, and I'm breaking through. I am changing myself from the inside out, with the strength that I have developed from years of feeling constantly hunted every time I went out in public or had dinner with friends of put on a bathing suit. I started by pulling motivation from never wanting to experience any of those feelings ever again, and I'm going to finish by gathering the motivation from the new discoveries I make every single day.

Sometimes in my blog I don't always know what to write. What I ate today isnt always the most mesmerizing sort of thing to read I'm sure. Sometimes I'm sure it seems like I'm less passionate about this journey than I am on other days. I am here to tell you that this is so far from the truth. There are very few things in my life right now that mean as much to me as this does...there are very few things in my life that will be as commandingly vocal in my future. I want to be interesting and witty, but more than that I want to be honest and present. I want to succeed. So I'm going to keep on trucking down diet parade lane until I cant anymore and then I'm going to do it anyway. I will weigh 165lbs before I am done.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 very, very large salad incl. dressing: 7
1 serving black beans and rice: 6
1oz crackers: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1oz crackers: 2
1 serving chicken, broccoli and rice skillet: 5
1 serving oatmeal bread: 2
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 serving ice cream: 3
38/42

Oh yeah, I am also down a point! Hooray for progress!