Day 37 - 44

I'm back!

Well, I never really left. I just worked my butt off for a convention and went right from that into babysitting for a week while friends went to another convention. My whole body is still sore from all of the work we did, and I'm still short on sleep. Putting my feet on the floor on Monday morning was horrible. 

My food has really suffered and I haven't yet come out of what feels like a tail spin. I guess this is me checking my controls and getting myself back up in the air. I'm going to be starting tracking again tomorrow and I even went to my meeting on Monday. So I really haven't given up or quit. Just bear with me through this.

I went to my first therapy session this past Tuesday too. I'm taking big steps here, I just still feel like a broken cog in a giant wheel that doesn't actually need me. She told me that she thinks I am a sponge. I absorb everyone elses "stuff" and take a back seat in my own life. She said that I take one back seat after another until I'm not even on the bus anymore...and THAT, that made me cry. It's so true. I wonder if I am dealing with how much I hate myself by trying to make myself important to other people. Not that I can't be taken advantage of in my kindness, but perhaps I have a real problem. She didn't say that, or allude to anything like that but she did say that she thinks there is a "thing" in me somewhere with my self esteem. 

Therapy is hard, guys. I've only been to one session and I'm a little intimidated. I wonder if I am giving an accurate representation of my life, or if I'm clouding everything because I'm nervous and afraid of being judged. My therapist isn't going to judge me...I mean, well she is, but not in the way I'm afraid of. 

Good and bad week, right?

Please God, just let me get my act together already. I need to move on.

Day 35, 36

I'm still here! I can say I'm going to post while working this event all I want but no matter how good my intentions are it's likely that my posts will be like this one until this Monday, which is my next weigh in day.

I tracked everything! I ate very little until around 11 when I might have eaten too much, but I am in my points. Our contact this year is extra strict and we aren't allowed to bring in any outside food and all of the little venues here were closed today because we were just setting up.

Anyway, I need to be up in three hours so goodnight!!

Day 34 and Weigh in Day

It has been a much better day! I lost 2.4 pounds.

I'll expand on everything in the afternoon tomorrow. I'm about five minutes from home and I haven't been to bed yet!

My food was good today too, I tracked, went to my weight watchers meeting and went to the gym. So it's been good.

Goodnight for now.

Day 32,33

Okay so this weekend was terrible for me. Food wise, and plan wise. I ate badly and I didn't track.

I'm not giving up or quitting though. It was a slip up and I will survive. I need to learn how to better cope with "slip ups" because my journey is going to be a long one. No one is perfect every day.

This week is going to be a challenge because it is not going to be a normal week by far. From Wednesday until Sunday night I will be living away from home, and the insanity of this event has already begun. My weekend was spent talking with vendors and going back and forth from the airport.

I just need to keep it together and get through the next week. Look for my updates very late at night because I will only get a chance to update once I get back to my hotel at night.

Back to normal, plus tracking tomorrow. Goodnight guys.

Day 31

Hey guys!

This isn't going to be a long post! I had a really emotional day. I had a fight with my closest friend who is also emotional (her van was stolen and totaled last night). I broke down and cried for an hour before a friend pried me out of bed and made me go outside. I went to the house of the friend I had a fight with and we made up and cried. When I went in her husband asked me what was wrong (we are all pretty close) and you know how it is when you are trying not to cry and someone asks you whats wrong? Yeah I lost it again.

Anyway, after that my friend and I spiraled down the food drain for comfort. I didn't use all of my weekly points, but I didn't get all of my healthy checks in and I will be seriously shocked if I lose this week. I'm back on now, I'm not waiting until tomorrow but I'm also trying not to beat myself up over this. I want to move on. Life is full of hiccups and I don't expect to be perfect. I just expect the trend to be steady. I tracked everything so in the interest of full disclosure...

Posting this helps me to be accountable. I'm not hiding it.

Friday, August 02, 2013

Morning
1  serving(s) Small Plates Pork Egg Rolls	4
Subtotal	4
Midday
2  serving(s) Caramel Chicken Stock velvetted	18
2  serving(s) Diner Select Sides Brown Rice	13
1/4 serving(s) Sauces, Sides & Desserts Sweet Mustard Sauce	1
Subtotal	32
Evening
3  serving(s) Pizza, one-meat topping, thin crust, restaurant-type	16
Subtotal	16
Anytime
1/2 serving(s) spicy tuna roll (2-in diameter, 1-in thick)	3
1  item(s) Boston Kreme Donut	9
2  small Iced Dunkin’ Dark® Roast Coffee (with cream and sugar)	8
40  chips Doritos Tortilla Chips	14
Subtotal	34
Food PointsPlus values total used	86
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0

Day 30

So my physical went well enough.

Everything seems fine. I had a pap smear, and blood work and I got a prescription for birth control. Ocella same as before. It's what I wanted.

I am both excited and saddened. I am excited because I know how much better being on birth control actually makes me feel. I am saddened because it feels like one more nail in the coffin that I've been so reluctant to shut even for a time.

I have friends telling me that it "looks unlikely" that I will ever have children, as if hearing it so frankly somehow helps me to accept it as a fact and find closure. I don't know if that is ever going to get any easier, and I don't think I can apologize for it. I shouldn't have to. If my pain makes someone uncomfortable that isn't on me. At that point it isn't even about me. I mean good GOD. If I sit down to watch a movie with people and infertility is mentioned I get knowing stares and I get to hear my friends whisper quietly about how this must be affecting me.

I will find closure on this naturally, with my husband in a private setting, and with lots of time and healing.

I'll let you guys know the results of the blood tests etc when they come in. In the mean time I talked to my doctor about Weight Watchers and found that she isn't very fond of the new program. Funnily enough, neither am I. I hate that we are not counting fruit now. I mean I get that fruit being free encourages us to eat more of it in lieu of other things like chips and pastries etc, but fruit still packs a lot of sugar. So my doctor and I decided to give it some time the way that it is and if my weight loss slows or stalls that I should start counting fruit again. Guys, I can eat a lot of fruit. I eat it to feel full. I know I need to get over eating until I am like really full but one hurdle at a time right?

Gym tomorrow, and Saturday or Sunday to make up for today. Also new shoes tomorrow as long as I can afford them! Wish me luck!

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Morning
2  sandwich(es) Classics chargrilled chicken sandwich	15
2  packet(s) Dressings & Sauces barbecue sauce	2
1  serving(s) Side Items small fruit cup	0
Subtotal	17
Midday
1  serving(s) avocado ranch	9
1  serving(s) Side Items side salad	2
Subtotal	11
Evening
2  serving(s) Hormel sandwich makers pork bbq	7
1  item(s) thin sandwich bread	3
13  chips New York Style Pita Chips	4
Subtotal	14
Anytime
1  serving(s) sweet potato multigrain bbq chips	3
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1  medium fresh tomato(es)	0
2  serving(s) new york croutons asiago	2
1  oz cooked skinless, boneless chicken breast(s)	1
1  cup(s) uncooked bell pepper(s)	0
2  serving(s) Lite Buffalo Ranch 2tbsp	3
2  cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1/2 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
8  medium uncooked baby carrots	0
1  serving(s) Lemon Greek Yogurt frozen	5
1  serving(s) frosty lemon cookie	3
11  g Hormel Bacon Bits	1
Subtotal	21
Food PointsPlus values total used	63
Food PointsPlus values remaining	4
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0

Day 29

...or the post that almost didn't happen.

No no no, I'm going to keep posting. I'm just in bed again. I know, I really need to get my act together about posting my food on time.

Today was interesting. I did a weekly grocery shop, but I need to go back Friday because we were pretty broke today and I really only got essentials. I consider fresh veggies to be essential and thankfully my husband agrees. He knows how hard this can get for me and he is pretty supportive.

I have my physical with my doctor tomorrow. I'm going to ask her about inverse psoriasis. I've had this trash/skin condition/yeast infection on my skin for many years. A lot of them before I had heath insurance so it was pretty bad by the time I was truly able to do anything about it. We thought it was yeast but now I've been through so many treatments including Nyastatin and a month of Fluconazole with no real results. The Fluconazole helped but not as much as it should have. I have plaque psoriasis on my scalp and on the very edge of my forehead and so I did some digging and found that inverse psoriasis looks a lot like intertrigo. AND inverse psoriasis can develop yeast infections, which is probably why the fluconazole seemed to help.
I'll admit, I'm frustrated and I'm tired. I just want to feel normal and not like a giant skin shedding, chafing, smelly monster.

Anyway, hope good things for me for tomorrow guys. Doctors make me nervous. Too many bad experiences.

I'll copy/paste my food in tomorrow! Goodnight!

Edited to add food:

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Morning
1  medium fresh tomato(es)	0
1  roll Arnold Sandwich Thins	3
1  tbsp Heinz Mayonnaise	3
Subtotal	6
Midday
1/2 item(s) avocado	4
1/2 cup(s) uncooked bell pepper(s)	0
28  gm shredded cheddar cheese	3
2  serving(s) new york croutons asiago	2
2  serving(s) Lite Buffalo Ranch 2tbsp	3
1/2 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
1/2 medium fresh tomato(es)	0
8  medium uncooked baby carrots	0
1  cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1  cup(s) fresh watermelon	0
1  tbsp Hormel Bacon Bits	1
Subtotal	13
Evening
1  serving(s) Cooks Perfect Turkey Meatballs	4
2  serving(s) Buitoni Angel Hair (80g)	12
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1  Tbsp sugar	1
1  Average Pasta Sauce #4	4
Subtotal	24
Anytime
1  serving(s) twix	3
1  sandwich(es) Classics chargrilled chicken sandwich	7
1  packet(s) Dressings & Sauces honey roasted bbq sauce	2
1  serving(s) food should taste good jalapeno tortilla chips	3
4  Tbsp fat free salsa	0
2  cup(s) strawberries	0
2  serving(s) Lemon Greek Yogurt frozen	10
Subtotal	25
Food PointsPlus values total used	68
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Activity
10 min cleaning	1
20 min walking, (slow pace, 3.0 mph or less)	3
Activity PointsPlus values earned	4

Day 28

Today was really hard in more than one way. I've been feeling all moody and depressed. I didn't sleep well last night, I tossed and turned for hours and I ended up keeping Chad awake too long too. I was just an anxious about bills, plans, roommates and food. Lately everything has been really hard for me. So much so that I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have an appointment on August 13th. I think (as long as the insurance and everything goes well) that this could be a huge piece of the whole puzzle for me. I am pretty sure I have depression, and I would not be surprised to find out that I have some sort of anxiety disorder.

In any case, all I wanted to do today was sit in the dark with the TV on Syfy channel and eat. I did not do that though. I worked on my coupons, cleaned up the house, and made dinner. I ate too much today but that't not too bad of a thing considering I have weekly points for moments of weakness. I only used 9 of them.

I'm not hungry, but I do feel the need to self soothe, which I equate involuntarily with food. I've been coping but today I slipped a little. I was also going to start adding Tuesday nights into my gym routine but that will have to wait until next week. I'm exhausted. I know I have been saying that a lot lately, but I am.

Years ago, when I first started this blog, one of the tearful conversations I had with my husband involved me explaining to him that if I went to the gym that would be pretty much it for the day for me. I was way out of shape and over 400 pounds. This time around funnily (not) enough I am heavier than I was but still in better shape. Its weird, but its true. I mean better shape is relative when you struggle to do 20 minutes of cardio but back when I started at a lower weight I could barely do ten. Anyway my point is that though I am able to do more than just the gym these days I am still feeling incredibly spent sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time.

Anyway, onward march and all that jazz. The diet parade waits for no one.

Food:

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Morning
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1 1/2 oz turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2" square)	1
1  roll Arnold Sandwich Thins	3
1  tbsp Kraft Mayo	1
Subtotal	8
Midday
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
2  serving(s) chicken and rice soup	6
1  container Muller Yogurt	4
Subtotal	13
Evening
1  serving(s) Cooks Perfect Turkey Meatballs	4
3  serving(s) Buitoni Angel Hair (80g)	18
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
1 1/2 Average Pasta Sauce #4	7
Subtotal	32
Anytime
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
4  Tbsp fat free salsa	0
2  serving(s) Ben and Jerrys Raspberry brownie frozen yogurt	11
2  cup Campbell's Soup	5
Subtotal	22
Food PointsPlus values total used	75
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0

Day 27 - Weigh in Day and FMM

Okay so, drum roll... I lost 2.8 this week! That brings me down to 445.2 lbs. I'll admit that I'm anxious to see the scale move faster but I am really happy to see it moving in the right direction. Its hard to imagine 2 pounds a week for what could be a total of 4 1/2 years if it stays that slow. And trust me, I know it isn't slow. I know its normal and healthy and still a really great loss. I just feel anxious.

Does weight loss really get harder the more times you need to do it?

I have 27 points left for today. I will probably have some frozen yogurt, but I'm not sure what else. I will update to add food if I do.

Okay so for some fun:

If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section over at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Ten Things That Make Me Happy

1. My husband. Seriously, I know its cliched but he is the light in my life. Without him I have no idea where I would be or what my life would be like. He kept my family floating before we were even married when we couldn't pay our bills and when things needed to be fixed. He stepped up when he didn't have to, knowing I would have wanted him even if he couldn't have. He loves me fat, mad, sad, he loves me on "ugly" days and even in the very early morning.

2. My family. My mom and my brother. My grandparents (though they have passed I miss they every day), and my extended family. We used to be more close knit and we are all very different people but we love each other. 

3. My friends. I seriously don't know anyone with a better group of friends than I have. We are bitchy, and gossipy and moody and unique but we always come together like a family down to Sunday dinners. When my toilet exploded and my basement flooded and we were broke my friends came to my house with dinner, a case of mudslide, and a brand new toilet. We might not always like each other, but I can count on them, and they can count on me. 

4. Singing! I sing, but not professionally. There are a lot of people who think I could, but I've always had this weight making me afraid to try. Singing clears my head and makes me feel calm.

5. My pets. I have too many, leftover from a few years of rescue, but I love them and I treasure every moment of their little lives. They bring me joy and I think through them I have developed a healthy compassion for everything that lives on this planet. Everything deserves love. 

6. AC. For real, I live in Baltimore City and its hot here. Even if its only in the 80's the humidity can make it unbearable. Air conditioning makes life bearable!

7. Our car! We drive a 2011 red Kia Forte 5-Door. Previous to that we drove a 1990 sea green with-no-clear-coat Ford Taurus. Do I need to say more? It took me ages to get my frugal husband to agree to even look at new cars and then when we sold the green monster I actually cried as it was towed away.

8. My iPod. I have an old 80gb iPod classic in a metallic pink case that I have been using for about 5 years now. It gets me through the gym days. I put on a playlist, close my eyes and don't stop until its over.

9. Christmas. I know it's weird but Christmas still makes me feel like a little kid. I love the lights and cold air and the music...it just lifts my spirits. Chad and I don't have any kids so we spoil my mom and my brother and each other.

10. Horror movies. I know, I know. How can those make you happy? I don't know. I just really love them...even the bad ones. I have only one exception: I hate torture porn. By that I mean movies like Saw (not including the first one which was good) and Hostel. I don't see the point, or the entertainment in realistic torture and pain.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Take time to get to know someone new this week, leave a few comments and come back and link up in the comments. Happy Monday, friends!

And food!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Morning
1/2 cup(s) cherries	0
2  Alex smoothie	6
Subtotal	6
Midday
1  sandwich(es) Classics chargrilled chicken sandwich	7
1  packet(s) Dressings & Sauces honey roasted bbq sauce	2
1  cup(s) Side Items medium fresh fruit cup	0
16  small Caramel Mocha Iced Coffee	3
Subtotal	12
Evening
1/2 cup(s) cooked green beans	0
1  cup(s) mashed potatoes	6
1  Pork Chops and Apple Pie Filling	13
Subtotal	19
Anytime
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
Subtotal	3
Food PointsPlus values total used	40
Food PointsPlus values remaining	27
Activity
20 min Weight lifting, nautilus-type (light workout)	3
20 min elliptical trainer, moderate intensity	4
Activity PointsPlus values earned	7

Day 26

I know I haven't posted my food yet for today or yesterday but I'm tracking. I'm just busy and kind of exhausted. We finished cleaning the house today. Certain actives drain me quicker than others and being hunched over woodwork for hours is one of them. So I'm updating from my bed again.

Weigh in day is tomorrow and so is the gym. I promise to copy paste my food tomorrow guys, goodnight!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Morning
1  medium banana(s)	0
1  cup(s) fat free skim milk	2
55  gm Wheaties Cereal	5
Subtotal	7
Midday
1  Velveeta Shepherds Pie	12
Subtotal	12
Evening
1/2 cup(s) macaroni and cheese	5
1/2 cup(s) cooked white rice	3
2  Tbsp canned chicken gravy	1
1/2 cup(s) pasta salad	4
5  oz cooked boneless, skinless chicken breast(s)	5
2  oz cooked pork tenderloin	2
1  Tbsp barbecue sauce	1
1  Sausage, Apple and Cornbread Stuffing	3
Subtotal	24
Anytime
1  serving(s) frosty lemon cookie	3
1/4 cup(s) shredded cheddar cheese	3
1/2 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
1/2 medium fresh tomato(es)	0
2  serving(s) new york croutons asiago	2
2 1/2 serving(s) Lite Buffalo Ranch 2tbsp	4
78  gm avocado	3
1/2 cup(s) uncooked bell pepper(s)	0
2  cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1 1/3 serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	4
1  tbsp Hormel Bacon Bits	1
2  cup Campbell's Soup	5
Subtotal	25
Food PointsPlus values total used	68
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0

Day 25

Today was cleaning day and we have cleaned. Oh boy have we ever. Do you know cleaning woodwork feels like working out? Oh well, it does to me! We aren't done yet but we've just finished for the night and the while house feels so much better!

I've had a shower and I'm laying in bed. I'll copy paste my food from my tracker tomorrow. It want great today. I mean, my points are fine but there weren't enough fruits and veggies.

Ah well, tomorrow.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Morning
2  serving(s) Small Plates Pork Egg Rolls	9
2  serving(s) Caramel Chicken Stock velvetted	18
2  serving(s) Diner Select Sides Brown Rice	13
Subtotal	40
Midday
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal	0
Evening
2  Velveeta Shepherds Pie	24
Subtotal	24
Anytime
1/4 serving(s) delish orange and almond	2
1/3 serving(s) delish lemon and black pepper	2
1  container Muller Yogurt	4
Subtotal	8
Food PointsPlus values total used	72
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0

Day 24

So today was good. I ate well, though I didn't get all of my veggies in. I went to the gym and did my thing there too. Game night was good, because I didn't over eat and we didn't spend the whole time eating for once.

I don't have a ton to say. I'm tired and we are going to be cleaning house tomorrow. Hopefully that goes well and we are productive. We tend to get caught up in the small details.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Morning
1/2 cup(s) fat free skim milk	1
1  medium banana(s)	0
1 1/2 cup Wheaties Cereal	5
Subtotal	6
Midday
1  serving(s) kraft Thick and Spicy honey BBQ sauce	2
1/2 cup(s) cooked green beans	0
2/3 cup(s) mashed potatoes	4
1  serving(s) rotisserie chicken 3oz	4
1  roll Arnold Sandwich Thins	3
Subtotal	13
Evening
1  serving(s) Don Pepino 1/4 cup	1
1  Tbsp mayonnaise	3
1/4 serving(s) Olive oil	1
2  serving(s) Borden mozzarella	3
5 1/3 oz uncooked boneless skinless chicken breast(s)	4
118  gm French baguette bread	8
1  cup(s) mashed potatoes	6
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
2  cup Campbell's Soup	5
Subtotal	37
Anytime
1  serving(s) Cadbury Toffee Icecream bar	5
2  serving(s) lemon frozen Greek yogurt	4
Subtotal	9
Food PointsPlus values total used	65
Food PointsPlus values remaining	3
Activity
20 min elliptical trainer, moderate intensity	4
15 min Weight lifting, nautilus-type (light workout)	2
Activity PointsPlus values earned	6