Just a quick note:

To say that I am still here and haven't given up or fallen out of bloggyland. I am having a hard time right now, in more ways than one and this whole week has been full of epic failure. Not that that means the end or anything. If there is one thing I have learned over the past 10 months it is that I will never really fail unless I give up...and I am not. I will be back tomorrow to give you all a full update and to get back on the blog wagon. I need to be blogging every day! I don't care what anyone says, it really really helps me! So please forgive me for my absence and the failures that I plan to tell you about tomorrow night. Don't count me out yet, because who would give up almost 100lbs after less than a week of misbehaving? Not me.

Day 312, 313, 314, 315

So we all know that when I miss more than one or two days posting that I am struggling! Not so bad this time though. I pulled myself together in time. I lost .8lbs this week. Not so stellar. Yes! I know, we count every single ounce. I know, and believe me I am grateful. I just know I could have done better. This week started 0ut rough. I messed up food wise on Sunday after weigh in and then had a bit of cat emergency right at bedtime and then had to get up a little early today which resulted in less sleep. I am not downing myself, but at some point my sleep has to become a priority for me! The cat emergency aside (cat is fine) I never get enough sleep. I end up averaging less than 6 hours a night which means the next day I am dragging myself around by the seat of my pants all day!

I am doing better now, but I had to make the decision to do better this morning when faced with food choices. I was pulled toward the bad stuff but I want to eat the good stuff because it makes me feel better.

Next step? Get my butt back to the gym tomorrow! This is not a negative post! This is me realizing where I've gone wrong and getting myself together!

The second week of the Freedom Challenge ended today:

My goals were:
1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back. actually I did really well on this one this past week!

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind. I was extremely active this week...but we know that it isn't the same thing as working out! I only went to the gym once! Back to self bootcamp!

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day. Another so far so good here. Getting up on time makes it a less stressful day most of the time. Might meed to readjust this goals focus a little. I need to get more sleep and I have not been sleeping well. I was thinking of trying some meditation (don't I keep saying that?) before bed tonight to see if it helps. It's hot and that seems to be all I can focus on.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym. My house looks really good right now, including my stove I am proud to say. Now I need to tackle my bedroom!

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me. I have been doing really well at this recently, and hopefully that continues. When I track well, I lose more weight! Same as last week!

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 6
1 cup mixed fruit: 1
a few french fries: 3
1 cup rice: 5
1 veggie burger: 2
2 tbsp light mayo: 2
1 pudding cup: 2
1 1/2 serving pasta: 6
1 serving sauce (many veggies!): 3
1 sand thin: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1/2 oz cheese: 1
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 slice tomato: 0
1 serving spinach: 0
34/38

Day 311

Today was exhausting! We (being my friends and their kids) went to the local fireman's carnival. We walked for around 4 hours and on the way home I carried the 3 year old (not the whole way) on my shoulders. That kid kicked my butt! I was sweating so hard my shirt was starting to get soaked!

It was a good day and I made really good choices. Here I am at the end of the night having gotten a pretty good work out and I am 4 points under even though I went to a carnival! I didn't ride any rides though about half way through the night I realized I could have ridden a few. That was nice. I am making progress. I will be able to ride rides soon! Comfortably I think... Maybe by 260lbs? I would love to be able to ride with my husband!

Today:
1 (smaller) serving pot roast: 4
1 serving roasted potatoes: 2
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tsp olive oil: 1
1 tbso brown sugar: 1
soy sauce: 1
1 serving strawberries (1 1/2 cups): 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup water melon: 1
1 hot dog (regular from carnival): 5
w/ bun: 3
1/2 small order french fries: 5
1/2 sub from subway: 5
w/cheese: 1
w/mayo: 1
1 green giant frozen broccoli and cheese for one: 0
Edited to add:
1 lf tortilla: 1
1/2 fresh tomato: 0
1 serving ff cheddar: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
37/38

Day 310

Today was a best friends birthday and as such we went out for dinner and a movie. We went to a Vietnamese restaurant and let me just tell you they have no salad. I went through the whole menu, and no salad at all. Not that their food is terribly heavy, its meat, vegetables and some kind of rice or noodle. That is pretty much the combination one way or the other that makes all of their dishes up. I planned ahead and allotted my points for what I thought I was going to eat, which was incredibly helpful as it kept me mindful throughout the day. We planned on dinner, frozen yogurt and then a movie. At dinner as we were talking about the yogurt place I adjusted according to what was being said about it (I had never been) and decided not to order the bubble tea I usually get. The frozen yogurt was amazing and half of what they sell is low fat or fat free and the toppings they provide are so great! Real, unsweetened fruit, chocolate and caramel chips and cereal. I got strawberries, cherries and blueberries. Less than half a cup combined.

I feel like even though I went over my daily points and into my weeklies that I did really well today. For once I had a strategy. I know myself well enough to know how I am going to act in certain situations and plan for it ahead of time.

The one thing I wanted to ask...Lemon grass chicken...I can not for the life of me find a solid place to get the points from. The best I have found so far is calorie king. I think I need to find my own recipe and see what it takes to create that dish so that I know. If anyone has a good recipe for it I would love it so that I can know more about what I am eating...and because I love eating it!

So far the week has not been great for working out. I went to the gym on Monday, and I walked/jogged some tonight. Another 1/8 mile jog! It is easier at the track though. Here half of my path is at an incline which wipes me out easier, but I am beginning to love the challenge. By next year this time I will be able to run, and I will be able to jog a mile.

Today:
1 ww lf waffle: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 cup rice: 5
1 serving broccoli w/ cheese (for one): 0
dinner out: frozen yogurt (calculated by weight): 11
Lemon grass chicken (not eaten all at once): 8
2 cups rice(not eaten all at once): 8
w fruit toppings: 1
1/2 cup movie theatre popcorn (if that): 1
38/38 + 4/34

The thing I really didn't do today? Enough fluids...Tomorrow is going to be better!

Day 309

What was your "last straw"?

I read through a really interesting thread on the Weight Watchers boards tonight. The original poster talked about how she experienced what she thought should be her last straw, but that she had experienced things like that before. She was asking what everyone thought her problem was, and what everyone else considered their "last straw".

I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you if you are experiencing this. In fact, I think it's pretty normal. Yes, we (most of us) eventually come to a place in time, or a moment that sends us over that uncertain edge toward real weight loss and lifelong health, but that doesn't mean we haven't had several wake up calls in the mean time. The fact of the matter is that until we are ready to change and make sacrifices we aren't ready to make it. So you don't like writing down what you eat, you don't like cooking, you don't like going out when it's really hot, you don't like vegetables or you just don't feel like the effort. Then you are currently in waiting. You are waiting for your brain to catch up with your body. Your body already knows that it is suffering, but your brain still thinks of suffering as giving up daily ice cream, or walking to the mail box instead of driving.

When I was in middle school the kids used to make fun of me by stomping on the floor as I walked by. It wasn't enough.

When I was in high school I could not get through gym class, and I once heard one of my classmates tell the boy I had a crush on: "If I ever get that big, promise me you will kill me." It wasn't enough.

After high school I had wake up after wake up. Not being able to walk, not being able to buy clothes. Breaking lawn furniture, my bed. Not being able to fit into a seat on the bus, not being able to wear a seat belt. I was not able to fit in the desk/chair combos at school. It was not enough.

I weighed 384lbs the first time I ever became serious about losing weight, and I lost 45lbs. It wasn't enough. I lost momentum, and my heart wasn't in it. I was not determined and I had no idea what it meant to not quit. At that point in my life I had quit every single thing I had ever started. I felt like perfection was the only mark that made a winner, and I was wrong. It was easier to let the progress go than it was to forgive myself and make the sacrifice.

I weighed over 400lbs when I went to New Orleans and was almost unable to see the things I wanted to because of not being able to walk. It was not enough.

I weighed over 400lbs when I realized that I would never be able to have children like this. I was over 400lbs when I realized that I would never ride a bike again, or a roller coaster. That I would never run, or jog, or walk my dogs. I realized at over 400lbs that I had no future. Everything I had ever dreamed of was gone. Nothing was possible. I made a doctors appointment, and their scale could not weigh me. I had to go to the mall and pay to weigh in on a scale that went up to 500lbs. I got birth control, and while I was waiting for it to be filled I sat mourning the person I never was.

Apparently, that was enough.

I will never ever forget that day. I feel like it has been burned into the deepest part of my brain and all of the newly formed pathways lead me right back to that place. I will never be that girl again, but I will never forget her. She was my "last straw".

You wont make all of the sacrifices all of the time. That's pretty normal. I wont go for a walk in a thunderstorm and you know what? Sometimes I have ice cream, sometimes I even have it every day. All of the things you think you are going to lose, or hate or just wont be able to deal with - they are so superficial! Besides that they are just not true. Worse case scenario: You eat less ice cream, or less fat ice cream. You walk when it isn't raining, and you try your best to forgive yourself so that you can keep going after deciding on eating a whole pint of ice cream, or skipping the gym longer than you should. It never has to be the end unless you decide to give up. I made my decision about a year ago sitting outside the pharmacy at Wal-Mart looking at a girl mourning herself. I wasn't ready for a funeral. How about you?

Today:
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 fiber one yogurt: 0
1/3 serving pot roast: 2
1 serving potato: 3
1 serving carrots: 0
1 green giant just for one frozen broccoli and cheese: 0
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 thick slice tomato: 0
1 cup spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving baked salsa chicken: 4
1 serving mexican rice: 5
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 (swest) egg roll: 6
edited to add:
1 fruit smoothie: 2
38/38 + 1/35 (my points rolled over today)

Day 308

Today has been a rather long day, but for the most part a relaxing one. I woke up exhausted. I slept for 6 hours and woke up so tired that my eyes were burning for sleep. I tried going back to sleep and could not. I think I'm wound up about something. It is so hard for me to let stress go and not turn it into anxiety. It is something I've been working on, but haven't made much progress with. It's a journey right? I'm not currently down or anything, just weirdly overstimulated.

I did go to the gym today and my food was good, so I can count the day as a win right? Then I finished watching Season 1 of Merlin. I am quite officially in love.

We are at the end of the first week of The Freedom Challenge!

My goals were:
1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back. I have been kicking but on this one so far. I come pretty close to my goal or meet it every day, even though WW currently says I need only eat 5 servings a day. (9 servings if you were over 350lbs.)

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind. This one is not yet on point but I gave it effort. Generally I do not (and sometimes can not) exercise at all during slasher week, but I managed this time.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day. Another so far so good here. Getting up on time makes it a less stressful day most of the time.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym. Been doing alright on that one. The one thing I have been neglecting is my stove. I need to take it apart and clean the inside.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me. I have been doing really well at this recently, and hopefully that continues. When I track well, I lose more weight!

I think I have had a good week and good results from the last week so onward parade!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving reduced cal syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving craisins: 2
1 serving to die for pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted carrots: 0
1 serving roasted red potatoes: 3
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 plum: 1
1 serving craisins: 2
1 baked potato: 5
w/cheese: 2
1 small chili (Yes, I got my dinner from Wendy's. I've been exhausted all day!): 4
1 ww ice cream: 1
38/38

Recently it has come to my attention that I was not eating enough meat, or protein (this is recent) and that perhaps that also slowed down my weight loss. I kicked up the protein a little and got much better results. Hmm.

Day 305, 306, 307

This is me yesterday at the mall (its a complete mile around on the inside, which makes exercise really awesome!). I wear a size 22 pants now, but the girls (ahem, boobs) keep me from wearing a size 22 top. I'm still in a 26/28 top! That makes it really hard to ever, ever find a dress, not to mention that I have to wear a bra with straps. No ifs, ands, or buts. Otherwise the girls are a spectacle. Well, yesterday we were browsing in dressbarn and I decided to try this dress on. I just knew it wasn't going to fit (it was a 22) but it was so pretty. It fit! Not perfectly, but still, if I had the money and I would wear it more than once before suddenly being a size 20 or 18 then I might have bought it. I have never owned a dress I actually liked. I used to just buy the one (usually there was only one in the store) that fit for whatever occasion I was dressing for. My friend Nadine told me to twist to the side and not do yet another dead on front facing photo.

Weigh in was today and I lost 6.4 pounds in the last two weeks. There was no meeting last Sunday because of the holiday. I think 6.4 pounds is really kick butt! I am now 5.4lbs from 100 lost, and 24.2lbs from weighing under 300.

You guys are getting this post early because I want to hang out with my husband until bedtime with no interruptions. I will come back and update with my food though. I am going to spend some extra points tonight on some special ice cream!

For Retta (Because I loved your post, and your photo. I took this a few days ago and when I saw yours I knew I needed to post it): This is my Lola.

Day 304

I recently sent a picture into Jack Sh*t last night and he posted it! I took several including this one before I found one I was okay with. I would have sent this one but it was so blurry! She wouldn't hold still!

Today was a really good day. I think the slasher is ending and I will definitely be able to go to the gym tomorrow. It's still here but its so light now it should not get in the way.

Also, my food is definitely getting better now, I am getting a lot more veggies in throughout the day and my tracking for the last 4 days has been pretty on point. I did not get a lot of exercise today but my husband and I are going out tonight to walk (and try jogging again) before we settle in to watch a movie (The Crazies. I just joined Netflix and I love it.). I know you all think it is way too late (past 2am here in Baltimore) but Chad and I keep a different schedule because of his job. We are still a few hours from bed at this point.

Instead of karaoke tonight we went to dinner at Pho, a Vietnamese restaurant not too far from here.

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving reduced fat syrup: 2
1/2 cup strawberries: 0
1 yogurt: 2
1 bag (4 servings) broccoli slaw: 1
2 tbsp teriyake sauce: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving lunch meat: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
2 tsp olive oil: 2
1/2 order thai egg rolls: 5
2 cups rice: 8
1 order lemongrass chicken: 12
1 thai tea: 2
1/2 serving hoisin sauce: 1
1 medium coffee w/ skim milk and splenda: 1
1/2 serving chicken and mixed veggies: 2
38/38 + 7/30

I did not eat all of the above at once from the egg rolls down. I took about half of it home and finished it there a few hours later...which is why I didn't add the extra points for extra servings. I also managed around 7 servings of veggies today!

Edit: We did take that walk/jog and we figured out that around my block 8 times is a mile. Now, that includes differing terrain and inclines and I jogged a good bit of what we walked (2 laps). I know that isn't a lot but I'm excited! I can jog! I jogged for what was probably another 8th of a mile tonight.

Also, growing up I used to do sit ups, is anyone else familiar with them? Do they actually help?

Day 303

If you tried to view my blog here earlier and weren't able to its because my Google accounts were hacked and I was temporarily shut down. I can't send an email out for 24 hours because of their safety features. Everything seems to be alright now.

Sorry for whining yesterday, I was in a bit of a mental rut and sinking deeper because of feeling/being unable to exercise. I start feeling guilty and like I'm "falling behind" which is ridiculous because the only person I could possibly be racing against is me...

So tonight I got off of my miserable butt, took another shower and went to the local high school track. I didn't stay too long, as really (all kidding seriously aside) this is slasher week. I did a mile on the track at a very quick pace never stopping once and I jogged for 1/8th of a mile. Yes, I know that doesn't sound like much but it was amazing! A year ago I could hardly walk an 8th of a mile! I could have gone father but my partner was having knee issues and I figured at over 300lbs, it was enough...for tonight. So that made me feel better. I'm going to try some more tomorrow, weather permitting, but not at the local track. I'm not comfortable going by myself and my friends go during what is almost the busiest part of my night. I'll go around here though.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving diet coke chicken: 3
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving jam: 1
1 low fat wrap: 1
1 serving shredded chicken: 3
1/2 serving ff cheddar: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw (can you tell I love it?): 0
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
Later (updated):
2 servings chicken: 7
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving ice cream: 3
1/2 bag popcorn: 3
38/38

Will update with everything else as I eat it! Okay, that line makes me laugh...

Also, this recipe for Diet Coke Chicken turned out to be amazing! Try it out!

Day 302

Today has been one of those days that drives me right off of the wagon. The slasher is here with a vengeance...and I've been in a snippy mood all day. I feel pretty surrounded.

I want to go into detail but I am so tired and frustrated right now that I could cry. That I did cry. It isn't always easy loving people so much. Sometimes I wonder if I give too much of myself.

So short post tonight, sorry about that. My food is looking better today though.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 Very small red potato: 2
1 serving curry: 4
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving lunch meat: 2
1 serving light mayo: 2
1 serving broccoli slaw: 0
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 1
1 serving diet coke chicken: 3
1/2 serving rice: 2
1 cup mixed vegetables: 0
LATER:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving chicken: 3
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving mixed veg: 0
1/2 serving rice: 2
1 serving curry: 4
1 cup hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 4/34

Day 300, 301

Sorry about the lack of an update last night guys. The monthly slasher is here, and hitting me pretty hard. I'm sore and tired and I feel...moist...which makes me feel like I need to shower every hour or so. It also gives me some awful cravings sometimes, but I wonder if that isn't just because I'm sort of housebound for quite a bit of my (heavier) periods and I get bored. My plan to combat these things is to keep myself really busy with keeping up my housework and working on getting up to a jog this week at the park. Hopefully by Thursday I'll be able to go to the gym and get my strength training done. Do you think its too high of a goal to want to be able to jog at this point?

In any case I know I need to be celebrating Day 300 but I want to wait and celebrate getting under 300lbs some day soon! I feel like my eating has been out of control since Saturday at the cook out, but thankfully I have a new challenge and some new goals to help keep me on track and motivate me!



My goals for the challenge (it's only a 4 week challenge so I am really going to try and rev it up, too bad it begins on a slasher week!) are:

1. To eat on plan every day from now on, including 7-9 servings of fruits and vegetables every day. I have been struggling with that and it has been holding me back.

2. Exercise at least 5 days a week, at the gym or at home. I've been getting better at this but I think its important to keep this goal in mind.

3. Wake up and get up with my husband. Do not sleep in every day.

4. Get my housework done every day (including be up on my laundry) so that that particular stress doesn't keep me from the gym.

5. Track my food more diligently so that I'm not stuck trying to remember what I ate at night. This continues to be an issue for me.

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 can soup: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving reg doritos: 6
1/2 cup rice: 2
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 serving curry: 5
extra (later) serving dinner: 8
1 serving light ice cream: 3
38/38 + 1/35

Also, I didn't skip Sunday weigh in, there just wasn't one and I am trying not to compulsively weigh myself!

I need strength to stick to my convictions right now. I can't look for that outside of myself.

Day 299

Today was a long day in which I ate a little too much, got a little exercise (swimming and walking), and ended up chapped on my upper thighs.

The food...it wasn't the volume of food consumed so much as the fact that there are never ever any healthy options at my family get-togethers. Even the fruit salad has sugar in it!

Not to mention as a side note pertaining to self discovery-I realized today that I eat to avoid conversation sometimes when I am overwhelmed. I am the youngest granddaughter of the youngest sister (we are very matriarchal) in my whole family. Everyone knows me and has always known me. Not to mention I was named after the original matriarch of our family. You would think that that should make me more comfortable, but it doesn't. I feel like sometimes people expect something of me...particularly when I get asked repeatedly throughout the day when I'm going to have kids and how Chad and I should start practicing now. Its all meant in good fun and I take it as such, but I didn't realize how much stress I was getting from it until today when I was scarfing down a regular hot dog. These are not excuses, just a minor epiphany at the cook out today that was strong enough to make me give up my dessert. I am learning new things about myself all of the time these days.

I have a rather large family reunion coming up in August and I have decided to bring a healthy option myself. Usually I get requests for things I personally shouldn't eat, but that everyone else loves. I might still do one of those as I don't have much of an issue eating things that I have cooked a million times, but I am most certainly also doing a healthy dish. My aunt tried though, I just didn't know about it until after I ate it. She cooked some burgers with pineapple (which I love love love on burgers) that were all made from ground turkey. That was a nice surprise.



I am joining Deb's Freedom Challenge on Monday. I need to figure out some manageable goals to go into this challenge with. It is a much shorter challenge but I want to be successful. I need to work on my consistency and my readiness.

I got home late so the post is a little short tonight you guys. I will be back tomorrow with positive reports!

Today:
1 serving taco soup: 7
w corn bread: 3
w 1 serving cheese: 2
1 pudding cup: 1
1 burger no bun: 4
w 1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 slice pineapple: 0
1 serving buffalo chicken dip: 4
1 serving chips: 4
1 regular hot dog: 5
w regular roll: 3
3 oz lean steak: 5
a few bits from a dessert plate: 10
38/38+ 11/22

Day 298

Being active isn't the same thing as working out. I know that. We all know that. I was active today, very active. In fact I just finally sat down in my living room to relax for the first time tonight. I did not go to the gym today. I meant to. Have you ever had a day like that? All is not lost though! I still have the reigns! I accomplished a lot today and it made me feel good, and I didn't sit on my butt all day.

I have another long day tomorrow loaded with pitfalls. A family cook out! I plan to spend most of the day in the swimming pool. My aunt's house is also located in a beautiful neighborhood, I might take a walk/jog while over there. These family things usually last all day long and a walk will take my mind off of all of the food and provide some motivation to get me through the day.

I posted some before and after pictures last night on my side bar (I'm slowly going to clean the side bar up and hopefully make it more useful!) but I want to post these two here as well.

This was me in March of 2009 on a swamp tour of the bayou in Louisiana. At this point in time I did not know I weighed over 400lbs because I hadn't weighed myself in a very long time. I have a very hard time recognizing this person. I remember the pain and how I cried walking back to the hotel from the French Quarter. It wasn't all bad though. I remember feeling brave afterward. I remember being so afraid of getting on the river boat. I was afraid I would rock it hard enough for people to really notice. I didn't though and it ended up being one of my favorite parts of the trip.

This was taken last night because I wanted something to compare it to. It was kind of shocking. Pictures are so revealing even when we can look in the mirror and see the evidence pictures are somehow better. Up until last night when I looked in the mirror I saw the person in the first picture...and now? Now I'm not sure I recognize her. She was miserable. She was looking for ways to make herself feel happy and normal that didn't involve losing weight. She was trying to become a mother. She couldn't have chased after a child, She could hardly tie her shoes. I could hardly tie my shoes. I could not walk. I cried sometimes at night when I thought about whether or not I would be here in the morning. I couldn't shave my legs...because I couldn't reach all of the way around them. I would constantly ask my husband, "How can you love me?" I'm not being dramatic. I wondered because I didn't love me, I had no idea what loving myself would entail. I didn't wonder what was possible...because I knew intrinsically that nothing was. I knew without asking that at the weight I was at, deduced by just how miserable I felt mentally and physically, that I was shortening my life by what could be as much as several decades. I think I actually went through the stages of grief on that one. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then Acceptance. Only when I got to acceptance something happened.

I decided to live, and in the course of this journey have discovered how to love myself, and how to cope. I have discovered what it means to really be alive. That girl on the river boat? She was viewing life through a dirty window. I'm going outside. I can walk several miles at a pretty normal pace, no tears. I'm tying my shoes and shaving my legs because I can reach every single inch of my body. I don't wake up with pain anymore! I don't worry about dying in my sleep anymore and I can't even begin to count the possibilities I have to look forward to.

What are you looking forward to? Non scale goals!

Today:
2 ww lf waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1/2 sandwich from subway: 5
w mayo: 1
w cheese: 1
1 bite of moms hot dog: 1
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 2
1 serving roasted pork chops: 4
1 serving stuffing: 3
1 serving corn on the cob: 2
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1/2 serving craisins: 1
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 pork chop: 4
1 cup homemade hot chocolate: 4
38/38 + 6/28

Day 297

So remember what I said about taking the reigns? I've got them. I worked out today, though not at the gym... It was a beautiful day here in Baltimore and I couldn't just stay inside!

A lot of the people who have or who read blogs do not have a gym membership like I do. It takes courage to go to the gym and sweat very hard in front of people you don't know. It's also hard to imagine yourself (if you are as big as I am or was) getting onto any of those machines and not breaking them. Trust me though, they will hold you, and they will change the way you feel about working out too. The gym (especially if you are going to add strength training to your routine) is a very valuable asset to the journey.

Now, for those of us not ready there are plenty of other things you can do to get your heart rate up!

This is the park near my house. I decided that since tonight is karaoke night and I had a lot to do at home I would get some cardio in at the park and enjoy some fresh air.

There is a bike trail that winds through a lot of my part of Baltimore and it cuts through the park here, which makes for wonderful walking/jogging/breathing hard.

Despite being in the middle of the city, its actually quite beautiful here, though different from when I was younger.

My grandfather taught me how to ride a bike right in this area here. There used to be fences and swings and monkey bars a jungle gym and concrete paths.

He would sit on a wooden bench here, with his Siamese cat on his shoulder while I played. I really miss him. I did not expect the park to drag out memories that way but they are very good ones. It made me sad, but not in a bad way. It was hard to leave this spot today.

I used to go to the community center here for games and organized sports for kids. It is where my brother won his first trophy. Kids still play basket ball here.

So I walked and jogged (a little, on and off, and it wasn't as bad as last time at all!). Then Before I left I ran up and down these stairs several times before walking home.

I think it was actually a great workout. Refreshing and out of the ordinary. And it definitely got my heart rate up! This is not a pretty picture, its a sweaty one! Though there was a very nice breeze today so it wasn't as bad as at the gym.

I will post my food, but this entry is coming so early a lot of my points aren't used yet. I have karaoke tonight and I wanted to make sure this post was made!

Edited to post food:

Today:
1 chicken sandwich: 5
w/ honey mustard: 1
1 side salad: 1
w/ spicy dressing: 4
1 serving chicken and broccoli mac and cheese: 8
1 serving taco soup: 7
1 serving corn bread: 3
1/2 serving cheese: 1
6 hours later:
1/2 serving taco soup: 3
1 serving corn bread: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
38/38

Day 296

So I had a bad night last night. I ended up eating a few things that I shouldn't have out of stress. I guess that would be binging? Right. This morning I was all set to beat myself up over it. You see, this is my pattern of stumbling. I get stressed, I screw up, I get depressed and so on and so forth. This afternoon after a morning of wallowing I decided that I was tired of it. No, I'm not always going to be able to fight it off but when I feel like I have a choice, don't I have to make it? All throughout this journey I've had light bulbs going on all over the place and I feel like this was one of them. One of those moments when another flip switches. One day, one meal, one bad choice did not get me to 417.8 lbs and still wont. It took a series of bad choices, a lifetime of bad days filled with bad meals. I am not the girl I used to be! I got up, off of my pathetic wallowing butt, put on my gym clothes and off I went. I upped the resistance on the elliptical today and went for another hour. It was a lot like the sweat washed away all of the tension and worry of the last few days. I feel better, and when I came out of the gym I made myself a promise: I will get to 100 lbs lost (or as close as is humanly possible, don't think that if I miss the mark a little I am going to kick myself.) in the next two weeks. The thing is, even if I cant, I am going to work at it like I can. I am tired of not feeling in control. To a certain extent yes, our bodies do what they want. But I am able to make choices that influence what my body does. This is me, taking the reigns.

Today:
2 ww waffles: 2
1 serving syrup: 2
1 banana: 2
1 serving doritos: 4
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving enchiladas: 7
1 1/2 cup strawberries (fresh): 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving carrots: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving tortilla strips: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving crasins: 2
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
35/38