Day 38-45

No, I haven't quit, though I thought about it again. This past week or two has been pretty heavy for me. everything got paid. Our taxes and everything else we needed to pay. My bathroom is DONE, finally, and I have to admit, its nice to be able to take a bath in a tub I don't feel like I need a tetanus shot to use.

All of this however has left us extremely broke for the near future and I have to admit I was wallowing a bit. Then, my dogs ate my glasses. Yes, ate them. I have some of the pieces, but nothing can be fixed. Without insurance (I have insurance but I already used my allotment for glasses on the pair that was eaten) having them replaced will cost us $407.99. So I'm looking at alternate sites and stores right now.

There is so much going on right now and as I start to type it I find that I feel it's kind of pointless (and I always feel like I am complaining and I know that so many people have it so much worse). Not that I can't overcome it, but that I'd rather write about overcoming it than drowning in it. I just feel like there isn't any light burning at the end of the tunnel right now. I'm not being negative, but factual about what is going on in my head. I'm still faking it. I have to ask myself why, when my weight is holding me back from everything I want in life and shortening my life and making me miserable, do I still need to "fake" it. My stomach isn't the problem, it's my head. I'm letting this beast take everything from me. What is it going to take to light this dampened fire?!

None of this is important other than to say I am succumbing to life "as usual" and it isn't what I want. I want to rage against the flow or fight for my life as it were. I'm just having a hard time right now, and other than this blog and a few friends (who honestly have their own stuff to deal with) I don't really have a shoulder to lean on.

In any case, I'm going to take the next few days to get my act together. I am back to updating every day now, sunshine or not.

Day 37

So I stayed within my points, and I went to the gym. I even managed to get in a respectable amount of fruits and veggies yesterday.

My bathroom however wont be done until at least tomorrow night and then I have to wait for the finishes to dry before I can use it.

In any case this is a short entry because it was a pretty uneventful day, except for the fact that my bathroom is driving me nuts.

See you guys tonight when I update for the day then. I have a date with the gym after my husband gets home.

Day 34-36

So where have I been?

Falling off track. It was too easy not to blog when it got rough. I'm here though. I don't want tomorrow to be like the last 3 days so I'm fessing up to not eating on plan.

Why? Stress. I get stressed and I find I lose control over my will. I need to try harder, plain and simple. It's easy to give in to a lunch/dinner/treat/binge you know darn well you shouldn't have when you feel like you are giving yourself a break from the rough time/day/week you've just had. I am HUGELY guilty of that thought process. I still see food as a reward, coping mechanism and way to relax. I give myself permission based on emotional distress! Ridiculous!

So, the stress though? My house is in disrepair. We moved back in with my mom two years or so ago to help her because she couldn't pay her bills after my grandfather died. We didn't want her to lose the house. We talked so much before we moved in about how the bills would be shared and who would pay what etc. Shortly after we moved in though we realized that we would be paying everything except for my mothers car payment and insurance, and the homeowners insurance. My husband pays everything else, including the bills we have.

So recently we have been pretty broke. I coupon to buy the groceries for all of us, and we budget sometimes down to the dollar from week to week. We have recently been saving to pay the property taxes on BOTH houses (the one we own, and my mothers). This is not a small amount of money, but we did it. We have the money.

Well we ended up with a hole in our ceiling from a leaking drain in the bathroom. My cousin volunteered to fix it (he fixed similar issues for my grandparents in the past). The day the process started I expected to need to spend a small amount of money. Then there was more than one leak, then there was black mold. Now, there is a bathroom renovation going on that we have not budgeted for, that we knew we would have to do eventually, but we have been trying to get to a place that made it financially feasible.

It's happening, we can't really live in a place with black mold festering in the walls. Having a family member do it is keeping the price down, but it's still hard for me. My husband thinks we are still going to be fine, and honestly I guess I do too. I was so stressed on Saturday night though that when I was told what needed to be done I vomited (Not like immediately, but later when I was giving myself anxiety by over thinking it).

I sort of let this situation (along with some other stuff that those of you who have been here long enough already know about, if you don't you can read back, I'm not really ready to rehash that right now) destroy my progress before. I don't want to do that this time. So I guess this is a reminder to me to get my butt back in gear.

My husband made me leave the house tonight (with him, on a planned late Valentines day date that I was thinking about skipping), and reminded me gently that things aren't as bad as I fret about them being. I'm a worrier. I tend to get really caught up in what could go wrong and then I become less able to handle what is going on. We usually come out of everything okay.

Anyway, I will be here tomorrow night guys, after the gym kicks my butt some. ;)

Day 33

I lost 1.4lbs this week! Its slow going but its going down. I'm still horrible about tracking the way I used to. It was easier when I was writing everything down with all of my points but now I am finding it hard to write everything down and I am tracking using WW online system. You cant calculate the points values of anything using a slide anymore. Now we need their calculators or their online system. That part is annoying.

I don't feel connected to my group/meeting the way I used to either. I made it to a 5lb mark today and I didn't want to raise my hand when she asked for celebrations. I felt silly. I really miss my Sunday meeting group but meeting at 6pm is so much easier for me than meeting at 9am. Our schedule is not conducive to being an early riser.

My leg/knee is still pretty sore, so I skipped the gym tonight in favor of cleaning my house. I'm not sure what happened to make it suddenly so sore, but I am pretty sure I will be fine in a few days. I push myself as hard as I can, and I sometimes forget that weighing 400+ is already stressing my joints and bones and muscles. I'm probably going to keep pushing myself whenever I can. It feels good.

When I started this journey/parade again I was faking it until I found my motivation and my will again. I don't know how long that is going to take, but this week I really felt like I wanted to do this, and I was enjoying the gym and how the gym made me feel. It's a start.

Day 32

I cant remember what my personal best at the gym was before I gained all of my weight back, but tonight I experienced my personal best at the gym so far this time. It was really rewarding to know that no matter what the number says tomorrow (and I am hoping for less) I am seeing progress. I feel better again, and I can walk more again. Its just kind of amazing that I was able to forget what the gym meant to me before.

My food was okay today too despite being outside of the house all day. I am developing a love for Panera as we end up eating there on every grocery day.

So after being on my feet all day grocery shopping I went to the gym, and then Chad and I went to Walmart to get a curtain rod and walked around for another hour or so. I am so proud of myself for being active, even if my version of active is a touch boring.

My knee hurts a little, but I can rest it tonight and most of tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, that is meeting/weigh in day and its way past my bed time!

Good night!

Day 31

Today was much better. My food was great, veggies up and I'm not hungry.

It was hard to go to the gym again tonight but I did it. I guess its so hard this week because I missed time last week. I know its working though because I am fitting on the machines better than I was when I started...which shocked me a little tonight when I noticed but also felt really good. I can also get on and off the hip machines a lot easier now.

We switched our grocery days from Mondays to Wednesdays, so my gym buddy cant go with us to the gym tomorrow but I am still determined to go. I know that being on my feet all day is going to make me want to come home and grow roots into my couch but I also know that it will be easier to love myself if I take my butt to the gym. So I shall. That is the plan.

I'm feeling rushed this week for some reason. I think its stress, but the stress has lessened some. I keep feeling like its a day later than it is. I have so much left to do tonight and all I want is a foot rub and my pillow. Well, I'm pretty sure I will get the foot rub anyway. ;)

Good night guys, I hope you had a happy Valentines Day.

Day 29-30

I promise I wont be making 2 day posts all of the time, it has just been a hard couple of days for me emotionally.

My food has been good these two days, and I did go to the gym tonight. I even got to use my new weight lifting gloves which are awesome. My yoga DVD came today too, so I'm going to take a look at it in the morning, and on Friday night which is our standard no gym night (thus far) the girls and I are going to try out the DVD as a group.

So, no gym yesterday. I was really disappointed to be honest, though I never thought I would say that in a million years. It just took us so long to finish up with our outing (it was a girls day out, we went and had makeovers at Ulta, and bought makeup. It felt very nice.) on Sunday that the gym closed before we even got back home. It was fine, I stayed within my points and I wasn't sitting at home in front of the tv all day. Today though, we made it.

Slasher week is gearing up big time. I am all crampy and my body is digesting everything I put in it with vigor to say the least. This will be my first slasher week back on Weight Watchers so hopefully I will be able to keep up the gym all week.

For Valentines Day this year there will be no candy (first time ever, I asked for it to be so.). My husband and I are exchanging cards and next Sunday we are going to dinner (his schedule is such that we could not go out on the day of). I think I would prefer that over a box of chocolates that I will inevitably abuse. What does everyone else do for Valentines day? Or any holiday that is a "candy holiday"?

Good night guys!

Day 27 - Day 28

I found myself dreading making an entry last night. I didn't fall off the wagon or anything but I just had nothing to say. Do you ever have days like that?

Then right before bed I had a tiny little itsy bitsy emotional melt down to my husband who comforted me and told me that I give up to much of what I want for what other people want all of the time and that I end up feeling resentful later. I do feel a little resentful about some things that are going on in my life and I have to admit that they and that feeling of resentment are competing to see which one I let kick me off the wagon first. I say "I let" because honestly I feel like I cant fall off of the wagon. I can have bad days and bad moments or meals but no one falls off, I think we jump. I'm not jumping. I'm going to roll with the punches this time. If it takes me the rest of my life to lose this weight so be it. We don't fail unless we decide to stop trying right?

One thing I am really excited about (like I am every Saturday night before bed)? The gym tomorrow. It always ramps up my enthusiasm and commitment as well as stripping off some of the tension and stress of everything.

I think I am also going to start recording my food here again too. I think I'm more honest with myself that way.

Good night guys!

Day 26

I went to Weight Watchers today even though I knew I was going to gain. I didn't gain though, I lost .2lbs. Could I have done better? Absolutely. My food this past week was sub par to say the least. I was within my points some of the time, but I was having a really hard time staying in control. I don't feel bad about it though. I want to lose weight but I am trying not to beat myself up for every gain or less than super significant loss. A loss is a loss.

After the meeting I walked down to this little pizza parlor where my friends were waiting for my meeting to be over (I was running late and didn't have time to drop everyone off before I went to WW). I didn't eat there because my friends were almost done, and I wanted to go home and count my points but this place was pretty cool. Whole wheat pizza crust, really healthy and unique pizza toppings like eggplant, and sprouts and all homemade, down to the sauce. If I were going to eat pizza it would totally be there!

I'm telling you all of this because while I was sitting at the table watching my friend feed her one year old eggplant pizza, another member of my Weight Watchers meeting came in. She met my eyes and I could see her guilt, and maybe some embarrassment like I had caught her doing something wrong. I felt bad for her because I used to feel that way. Like I was doing something wrong for eating food that I liked. Even tonight I felt a twinge of something unsavory poking around in my brain as I walked down to the pizza place. What will they think when they see me leaving the meeting to go into a pizza place? Almost instantly though I realized that I am accountable only to myself. I can have pizza on Weight Watchers. The issue isn't the food itself, but the choices I make concerning it. Who cares what the other Weight Watchers members think when you walk into a pizza place? You are either counting, or you're not and only you and the secretary will see that number come next weeks weigh in. Even that doesn't mean that next week or tomorrow cant be better and none of this means pizza was a bad choice. It really depends on the choices that follow. It's all up to you, and to me. I'm choosing to track my food better this week. Not because I only lost .2lbs, but because if I can lose when I'm half good, I know I can do better when I go all in.

Anyway, today has been a rather long day and I'm feeling a little overstimulated and stressed so I am going to clean up my house a bit and then watch a movie I rented from Redbox: Shark Night. Have I mentioned I love bad horror movies?

Good night guys!

Day 25

Today was a better day than yesterday in a lot of ways. I had lunch out with a friend (soup and salad, but I totally ate two bread sticks...and counted them). I went to the gym a little earlier tonight which was really nice. I got in my cardio and then I did my nautilus routine for legs. Having finished my whole workout, I rewarded myself with 15 minutes in the massage chair (free at my gym for black card members!).

The best part of today though was that when I got home from the gym I had enough energy left to do a little housework! That is pretty excellent as most days I find myself pretty beat after working out.

Dinner tonight is pineapple chicken curry from the current issue of Taste of Home magazine. It isn't done yet, but it smells wonderful!

Good night guys!

EDIT: I forgot to say that I ordered my weight lifting gloves, and my yoga DVD finally!

Day 24

So let me start out with the part that is awesome and pertinent to this blog: I went to the gym today, and I ate within my points! Food was little hard for me today. For some reason I just didn't want the good things, but I ate them anyway and had a fabulous dinner. I made Sour Beef and Dumplings (which I had never had before) and served them with mashed potatoes. This was a higher point meal than normal, but I left room for it (I planned ahead!) and it was nice to try something new. The gym was good too. I skipped weights because of soreness but still did my 30 minutes on the arc trainer.

Someday, I really want to run. I know that is so far away but I can't help but think about it. Even the thought of the act feels freeing to me. I know my friends don't feel that way, but I do! I run a little on the arc trainer (easy on the knees) but only for a minute or two at a time, and before I lost my way on this journey last time I had just made it to jogging at intervals without a cardio machine. It wasn't much, but I would like to get there again.

My cat is doing better, she has eaten more today than she has in weeks, and she was begging for my food at dinner. On the downside though, my older rat Tink died last night. When it rains, it pours. She was at or over the top of a normal rat lifespan, but I still cant help but miss her little face every time I pass the tank her and Wendy lived in. If you guys haven't guessed by now, I love animals.

Anyway, good night!

Day 23

Today was grocery day. I am making my entry quick because I am tired and got home fairly late. Apparently everyone who didnt shop during the super bowl was out today! I was out from about 1:30pm until 11pm. By the time I dropped off my companion and unloaded the car it was almost 1am. Needless to say, no gym tonight. I would feel guilty but I don't. I was moving today and though I ate out I did not over do it. I even have a meal plan this week which is something I have never done while couponing!

I am also taking care of an ailing cat which has me pretty emotionally exhausted. My oldest cat who happens to be the most "mine" of all of my cats ( you understand if you have cats) was completely off food and losing weight. She has lost most of her teeth! She is stable now. I have her on all the wet food she can eat and 14ml of nutrical a day. She has to be force fed the nutrical but as soon as her weight picks back up some I will back off of that. Her energy is back already though and her eyes are brighter. I am so relieved that I cried. I love the silly cat so much!

Anyway that is what has been on my mind outside of weight loss over the past two weeks. It's so hard to talk about without sounding like a crazy cat lady...which I guess I am. Goodnight!

Day 22

Today was the best day since Thursday for my journey/body/mind.

We slept in a little, I got up and went to the gym, and I ate on plan.

I have been noticing that my shoulder is starting to bother me at the gym towards the end of my lifting routine. I'm going to try switching things up and maybe dropping the weight a little for a particular machine for a while if it doesn't ease up any. I have been really pushing myself on the Arc Trainer/ elliptical every day that I go. Music helps and I try not to look at the time! I really love the Arc Trainer though. It is the best cardio machine at the gym. The regular elliptical feels weird on my legs and over extends my knee some. PLUS I burn more calories in the same amount of time on the Arc Trainer. I have been calling that thing an elliptical for so long, and I know its a kind of elliptical of sorts, but it is really different at the same time.

I didn't buy enough fruits and veggies this past week to get me through, so since grocery day is tomorrow I am really going to try and keep that in mind. I have spent the better part of my free time this evening going over a grocery list and coupons. I also went through all of my pantry areas and took inventory. I should be good this week.

Sometimes I feel so boring updating this blog. My days are pretty simple, and I don't live an incredibly exciting life. I like posting here though. It keeps me honest and makes me feel really connected.

Good night!

Day 21

I can not wait to get to the grocery store. I need more fruits and veggies stat. Most of what I have left to reach for is okay, and I can have it, but not very nutritious.

I also feel excited to get back to the gym tomorrow afternoon. It makes me feel good. And since my food hasn't been all that great since Thursday, it should fuel my motivation back up to full. I don't exactly know how the gym does that for me but it does.

I had a small nsv. My clothes are fitting a little better. It isn't much, but I noticed.

So, short post all. OH. And the tooth I had removed:

I will have a better picture once the batteries in my actual camera charge, but for now that is from my cell phone. The long thin thing is a metal post.

Good night for now guys!

Day 20

My recovery is going super well I think. I am able to eat most things now, but after having eaten dinner my mouth was really sore. It was also sore after doing a lot of talking and laughing tonight when I went to see a movie with friends for a friends 30th birthday. All day yesterday it hurt alll of the way up into my ear, and my face still looks a little swollen today.

They gave me Lortab for the pain but honestly it is nothing like what I was anticipating. I haven't taken any of the Lortab. I took two ibuprofen last night before bed, and I will take two more tonight, but I haven't needed much else. Last year when they removed my wisdom tooth I was in so much pain I couldn't think or speak or even open my mouth. They used a bone saw that time too, but that time they used it to break up my wisdom tooth and shave my jaw bone. This time it was only to break the tooth up. So I'm doing alright. (Edit: Apparently I am so tired I repeated some of the same info as yesterday, sorry!)

Food has not been great the last two days while I was healing. It will be much better tomorrow though I still can not chew on that side of my mouth. Gym again on Sunday.

I am now so tired that I am feeling kind of sick to my stomach so good night!

Day 19

Today's entry is coming really early while I still feel like doing it!

I had my surgery this morning, and it was not as bad as I anticipated, it never is. I needed the bone saw again to cut the tooth up before it could come out, but he didn't shave my jaw bone like last time so the pain is...so different. No where near as bad. I mean, yeah I have pain, but last time it was all I could do not to freak out. The tooth gave the surgeon a little trouble, but he handled it. There was still puss and infected tissue he had to drain and remove too. He settled my mind though when he told me I was right not to try and save this tooth. I have stitches and a giant hole in my gums, but its gone and I am relieved! I have lived with that infection for months! They let me take home the pieces of my tooth, which I will get pictures of when my husband gets home. I even have the metal rod that was put in my tooth during a root canal when I was 16 or so.

My food hasn't been great today, which I knew was going to be the case. I can only have soft foods for the first 24 hours, and I didn't plan well for the time. I haven't gone over my points but it's okay, that is what the weekly points are for, and I have a crap load of activity points. I also can't use straws!! This is the part that kills me. I use straws in everything.

So no gym today and maybe not tomorrow, but its really okay to take a break after a bone saw has been used. I'm going to sit here on the couch with my kitties.

I went to my Weight Watchers meeting today! Yep, right after surgery. There isn't really any exertion involved in stepping on a scale so I figured I could not let myself get away with missing that unless I was in debilitating pain (which I really was when I had my wisdom tooth removed).

I lost 4 pounds! And I finally know what my weight was: 427.8. That's right, 10 pounds heavier than my previously recorded highest weight ever. That's okay though, I am already 4 down.

Onward!

Day 18

This is going to be really short! I have that appointment tomorrow to have my tooth removed so I am going to bed on time again. I'm actually typing this from my bed too.

My food was great today but I am running out of fruits and veggies pretty quickly now. I will keep that in mind when I do my shopping next week. I also went to the gym again today which makes 4 days this week! Pretty proud of that, especially since I am getting a forced break starting tomorrow. I am starting to feel a little stressed by the amount of time I spend at the gym. I felt that last time too. How much is too much and how much is enough?

I will let you guys know how my surgery went tomorrow night. Good night guys.

Day 17

Today was another really good day. I am really pushing myself at the gym, and when I can do that I feel really good.

My food has been great too. I'm staying in my points, even though for some reason today I felt ravenous all day. Dinner was taco soup with jasmine rice and a toasted whole wheat tortilla. I added some guacamole and light sour cream and I felt like I was being incredibly indulgent. I was also finally feeling satisfied which is important to me at the end of the day.

So I have a drawing I need to post that Retta made for everyone to color in last week, but I haven't finished it. I just haven't had the time to get everything done (and I will admit that when I hit the gym as hard as I have this week all I want to so at home is rest! I need to build up my endurance again!). However, I will definitely have time the rest of this week so I will be looking forward to posting that for you guys.

Sorry to make this so short, I am just so tired after the gym! I could update before the gym but I love being able to say I went to the gym instead of "I plan on going". (Edit: Annnd then I wrote a ton more...)

I'm feeling really good about the path I am on. Even though I am not where I set out to be 2 years ago when I started Diet Parade I am not ashamed, though I will admit to being disappointed. Life is full of turn abouts and resets. Sometimes you need to make the wrong turn to learn how to stay on the path at all. I'm still learning some amazing things about myself and who I really am. I'm not perfect, I never will be. I will have bad food days, there will be days where I skip the gym to veg out or to go out with friends. I have cried over pizza, lost 99 pounds, gained it back, been made fun of, been sabotaged, sabotaged myself, hurt myself because of pushing myself too hard. I have hoped and lost hope and found it again. The path to success is unique to the individual and almost never a straight line. I can't quit just because I got turned around before.

So here I am, feeling really committed and strong. I am starting to feel that little vibration of hope fluttering around in my chest. Even though its hard, I can do this. I will do this until I get it right.