Day 75

This post is coming early because I want to talk about something and I think if I wait until the rest of today has happened I will lose some of the sincerity in my written voice because I will have had too much time to over analyze and second guess myself.

A friend of mine (the one who had the baby a little over a year ago in January) has been feeling bad lately and since she had gestational diabetes she went into the doctor concerned that she might have the full blown disease now. Her diet is crap, all of our diets were crap growing up and she, like me, has PCOS. On the scale the doctor gave her she needed to score a 6 to be considered a diabetic. She scored a 5.9. She doesn't need to monitor her blood sugar right now, but they are putting her on a diabetic diet.

On a whim, feeling empathy for her, I told her I would do it with her. What have I gotten myself into?*

Honestly though I have lived with a diabetic who controlled her condition very well. My grandmother never needed insulin until she started cancer treatments and everything went nuts. Plus, lets be honest. I weigh more than 400lbs, have PCOS, and diabetes in my family history. This can not hurt me. I have done low carb (30 or less carbs a day for quite a while is what finally stopped my menorrhagia) and diabetic diets arent as hard. They are better balanced, more sustainable and work perfectly fine with Weight Watchers.

So now, as I sit here having my 1/2 cup of strawberry apple sauce I find myself asking a question in opposition to my original one.* What have I got to lose?

Over 250lbs.

Day 74

I went to the gym tonight, and did the Arc Trainer. It felt really good to do it, but I was still in pain, so I didn't push it as hard as I usually do, focusing more on time than intensity.

My shoulder is really bugging me, my knee is on an off and I can deal with that honestly. If it isn't better by the time I get back from Boston I am going too make an appointment to see a doctor. I will have both checked out in that instance.

So now I am sitting here in my kitchen with Biofreeze (which is awesome) all over my shoulder. I need to eat something so I am going to go do that now!

Day 73

Lets do it this way. Confidence in ourselves and enough love and kindness for ourselves to not only forgive the mistakes, but also to realize that despite the pain, frustration and triumph this journey is going to bring, you are being kind to yourself by going through it.

I have trouble making good choices outside of the house. When I am home, I make wonderful choices. I think this is going to be my challenge particularly since I am going to Boston in a week. I am going to go back to Weight Watchers the week when I come back home. I'm not skipping on purpose but going back with a commitment and then missing the following week would make me nervous.

Tonight I am nursing a sore shoulder, and a sore knee. I did feel a little defeated this evening when I was standing in the canned fruit aisle (I had a coupon for 50 cents off 2 canned dole pineapple, any kind on sale for .99 cents each, but the only thing they had on shelf was canned in heavy syrup so I was waiting for someone to come and pull down some stock) and I went to rest my leg on the back of the cart so I could hold it in place while crossing some stuff off of it. When I moved my knee there was unexpected pain. I was immediately frustrated. I had hurt my knee a few weeks back (after a long day of grocery shopping, I went to the gym, and then I went to Walmart with my husband and while he was checking out I went to sit down and when I sat down I suddenly had pain in my knee for reasons unknown. ).

So, I schlepped my groceries home tonight, put them away with a bunch of help from the boy and now I am sitting with my leg up. I have made the decision not to feel sorry for myself. Nope. Not going to do it.

I'm going to nurse this broken, unforgiving body tonight, and then tomorrow I am taking it to the gym and putting it on the arc trainer. I am not going to push myself to further injury, but by God, a body in motion stays in motion. So tonight I am frustrated, but not done, and I guess that is the point. Sometimes being kind to yourself means kicking your own butt.

Day 72

I was going to wait until tomorrow to make this update but Chad has to change the rat cage anyway so here I am on my nook.

I was okay today except I caved a little on lunch with my mom and got Chinese and sushi. Dinner was lighter with veggies. I made the chicken and broccoli casserole recipe from the current issue of Eating Well magazine. Tomorrow when I am not on my nook I will update with a link. Later in the evening I had a fruit and yogurt smoothie. Other than that I haven't eaten anything. I had an appointment with my aunt this morning to have my hair done (yay! Finally!) And didn't eat while I was at her shop.

Then tonight my gym buddy and I decided to try my yoga DVD for real. We were shut down pretty quickly. We need mats. The floor was painful! So we did what we could and tomorrow while I am out grocery shopping I am going to look for a mat.

My mood has really lifted some. I still find myself drifting into destructive thought patterns and sometimes I miss Blue so much I find my throat catching. I feel so much guilt. I loved her though and I believe I gave her a good life.

I'm going to go watch the rats jump back into the tank while the cats despair. It's cute. :)

Recipe from this dinner: http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/chicken_broccoli_casserole.html

Day 71

I was more conscious of my food choices today. I did pretty well despite my last few weeks of grocery shopping being full of less than stellar food choices. I had:

1 package instant oatmeal
1 6oz container of light yogurt
granola/protein bar
2 cups (home made) chili w/saltine crackers
2 cups tomato soup (made with water, not milk) w/saltine crackers
1 sandwich (2oz chicken breast lunch meat, 1oz yellow american cheese and 1tbsp light mayo)
1 serving pickles
3 oz tilapia filet (lightly breaded with chili and lime spiced panko and cheddar cheese, baked)
3 cups steamed broccoli
1tbsp creamy italian dressing

I am about to have a fruit smoothie (also home made with frozen fruits and yogurt) for dessert. I will start listing points and such for everything eventually but I haven't even opened my WW online account since I stopped doing so well. I know I need more veggies too and a little more diversity. Until Wednesday though, I am working with what I've got.

I did get some cardio in today, out walking with my gym buddy. It was too cold though, and walking outside has it's limits for me so tomorrow I am heading back inside the gym for the Arc Trainer. I get less pain that way and I think I am better able to accomplish more. I want to run eventually but I need to tackle the first hurdle: My Weight.

Day 70

Okay, I have made a few decisions.

1. I am recommitting to my journey, or rather recommitting to my commitment to it. My husband will be coming along with me this time as he did the first time. I am not restarting my day count because I feel like the last 70 days have been important. I should not ignore my struggle because it is just as important to the outcome as are the times when everything feels good or easy.

2. I am going to be active (even if it means lightly) 5 days a week. I am looking at at least 30 minutes of cardio per day. I'm not talking about killing myself. It could mean a long walk for one of the dogs, or it could mean a killer session on the Arc Trainer (Oh, how I miss thee.) at the gym. I want to get back to weight training, but I am giving my shoulder a break. That is not an excuse, I like weight training. I'm just not going to give myself further injury. I will see how it feels in a few weeks.

3. One of my largest problems is planning to have a great day and then getting up in the morning and letting my emotions take over. I am going to get up early enough (maybe 10 or 15 minutes) to reflect on the day I am about to have. Maybe it will end up being a short yoga session (I love my Heavyweight Yoga DVD!), but for now I just want it to serve as a platform for getting my thoughts straight.

4. I am going back to tracking every single little insignificant piece of food that goes into my mouth. It is way to easy for me to lie to myself about how a "bite" isn't that big of a deal and can't possibly have done that much harm. Trust me, the bites blend together until you hit the bottom of the bowl.

5. I am going to strive to eat the amount of veggie servings daily that Weight Watchers says I am supposed to have. 9 servings a day sounds daunting, and at first I am sure it will be. I wont beat myself up for not making it every time but I want it to be a very serious goal. I know it will make me feel better considering when I am off the wagon so-to-speak I hardly remember what vegetables look like.

I want this. If I can not focus on anything else in my life right now I am going to choose to focus on this. I want it, and I will be damned if I just let it go because I am ashamed of having failed or disappointed in my performance to start. No one is grading me but me! If there is one positive message or piece of advice I can give you as a failed (previous attempts) weight loss journey taker it is this: My worst enemy is and has always been me. No one throws me off but me. I make those bad choices and I choose to let myself get bowled over by an emotional attachment to food. I am not powerless. You are not powerless! I have all the tools I need given to me by community, love and God/the Universe (or whatever higher power you do or do not believe in).

When people question your choices, when they ask "Should you eat that?" or when they say "You could use the exercise anyway." or "I don't know why you would choose , it never works." ignore them. Shut them up with results. If you find that you aren't going where you want to go, change your methods based on your experience and research. That is what I am going to be trying to do.

I'm sorry if this sounded like a rant! It isn't! I just feel a little fiery tonight. Forward march!

Day 65

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt

I am searching inside myself for whatever was in me before. I am looking pretty deeply. I haven't been feeling very well emotionally for a while. I know that this isn't really a good enough excuse to just give up on myself. I feel like I have/had half given up.

Tonight I went on a walk with a friend, and it felt good, but I still felt emotionally depleted so it was hard to discern that feeling at the time. I am taking a break from lifting with my arms/shoulders at the gym. My shoulder has been giving me a fit for weeks now. I am doing stretches for it and getting regular massages (husband, not professional) of that spot. It feels like the trapezius muscle so I am also taking a break from wearing a bra as much as possible. I am a 52 G cup, so this is a big deal.

I have been consistent making bad choices, and I think its time that I accept that this isn't going to be easy regardless of my emotional state. I know that already, but I need to stop using it as an excuse. I need to remind myself that there is more at stake than my comfort for the few fleeting moments it takes to eat something that doesn't deserve the space I am giving it in my life.

Hopefully I can find the steel somewhere in myself and pull it out for a long haul because I am not where I want to be, and I am not who I want to be. The only person with any power to change that is me right?

Day 64, and my title photo is gone.

I am not really sure what happened. I do not know where I originally found that photo and I don't have one saved on this computer. So until I find a new one I guess its this.

I am stuck in a rut right now. I feel like I keep meaning to get out of it and I keep sliding back down like I'm stuck in the bottom of a well with greased sloped sides.

I'm still here I just don't have a lot to say. I am exercising, but not enough and my eating is not better. It is a long road, this one. I don't necessarily need advice. I know what I need to do, and I even understand on several levels why it isn't that easy to just do it. I just wish that my brain would talk to my brain.

This is the biggest reason why I do not think I am a great candidate for weight loss surgery. My body is completely willing. My head is always trying to speed up or sleep through the process.

Anyway, good night guys.

Day 62, 63

I feel like I am beginning to feel better. I still miss Blue terribly and I still have this depression (that would be here regardless of circumstances) but I feel a little better. We planted our seeds in a starter tonight and set it under grow lights. Even that gave me a huge boost. I feel really good when I'm active I think.

So the diet parade? I have pretty much been holding it on the back burner. My eating is out of control but my activity is great when I get my butt in gear. I have been all out of sorts and I feel like my emotions are finally chilling out. The diet/lifestyle change is what I plan to really focuss on this week. That includes my sleep schedule which is all over the place.

See you guys tomorrow.

Day 60, 61

I am updating for yesterday today because I went to bed almost as soon as I got home yesterday and slept for 12 hours straight. I hadn't slept the night before. I just couldn't settle my mind down. When I woke up it was slasher week.

Yesterday was grocery day so I was out and moving all day which did not give me the break I needed. I am taking that today. I feel light headed and achy. I don't think I'm sick, I think I'm just exhausted. I am definitely tired.

Tonight or tomorrow morning depending on how I feel I am going to start my seeds for the container garden I am planning. I think it will be good for me to get outside more this year, not to mention that growing your own veggies is rewarding all by itself. I am growing lots of herbs, including cat nip (I couldn't not). I am growing 2 different kinds of tomatoes, bell peppers and habanero peppers, carrots, zucchini, and potatoes (in old trash cans!). I am also planning to grow strawberries and if I have the room and money for more containers and supplies I will add more veggies too.

The only flower I am growing so far is from a pack of seeds a friend. Forget-me-not seeds. In the color blue. I am going to transfer them to a pot and sit them over Blue out back.

Wish my garden luck, I haven't ever done this before. I am hoping that one of the benefits here will be the beginning of a healthier relationship with food.

I will see you guys tomorrow!

Day 59

I have better pictures of Blue, but not without scanning them in. In this photo she has followed me to the bathroom and is waiting for me outside the door. I have a lot of memories I want to share, but even the happy ones feel sad to me now.

A year after my grandmother died, my grandfathers very old (22 in human years) Siamese cat passed away. My grandfather was pretty devastated. When I heard my neighbor had found two kittens, I went to look at them, thinking maybe he might need to love something else in order to get beyond the loss. My neighbors son had been playing in an alley near my house when he heard mewing coming from inside a dumpster. Of course, being a little boy he jumped in. He found two tabby kittens inside a plastic grocery bag. Someone had literally just thrown them away. Thinking about that now, and how much I love both cats, let alone just Blue makes me so angry at people in general that I can hardly speak about the subject.

(From left: Tippy, Pedro, Yod, Blue)

I brought one of the kittens, who later became Blue, down to my grandfather, who told me he didn't want any more cats. He wasn't ready. I was sad. I held this tiny kitten with the white paws for almost an hour before I took her back to my neighbor.

The next day while I was at work, my brother and the neighbors son brought both kittens down to my grandfather who decided he couldn't let them be separated. He took them both.

From that point on Blue was my cat. I got the other two when the men working the warehouse at my moms job found a pallet full of kittens. The mother didn't show up so my mom started giving away kittens. She was left with two which she mistakenly brought home and allowed me to fall in love with (that took all of two minutes). My grandfather named them all. These are my original four cats. I rescued for a few years and now I have too many but these four cats make up my core group, and the ones I am the closest to. Even among them Blue was still special. I feel guilty saying it because I love them all so much but honestly? I will never ever meet another cat that I have that level of connection to. I loved her so much.

These past few days have been so hard. I never realized just how comforting she was just by being here in the house. I find myself reminded of her almost everywhere I look. Particularly when I look at her sister.

I went on a 30 minute walk (timed) with a couple of friends today, and then after a break we went to the gym. I skipped the extra 15 minutes of cardio because I was sick afterwards yesterday, but I did some stretches and worked on the strength machines.

Thanks for listening to me. I feel so stupid when I talk about her to other people. I get the feeling no one wants to listen or they think I'm strange. I'm probably just projecting my insecurities though. Good night.

Day 58

My cat took a turn for the worst and she passed away this Friday morning. I seriously feel like I have a hole in my chest. I am not good company for anyone, and I am having a hard time keeping my thoughts from spiraling down into guilt and self loathing.

I miss my cat. It is such a simple statement, and to some I am sure it is incredibly innocuous. I can not believe that I will never see her again. I feel like I let her down. All I see is her face and her gigantic bright eyes, full of trust. All I feel is lost. I dream about her, and I see her everywhere I look. I haven't let her go I guess. I feel like I lost a person, I did lose my best friend.

For the past three weeks she was all I thought about. I was so distracted by her and my feelings over her that I was not very kind or loving to myself. I didn't post here, and I didn't stay afloat very long.

Since Friday when she passed though, I have felt a little release, which I feel guilty for. I have been out walking (timers set for 30 minutes) Sunday and tonight and I went to the gym tonight after. I worked out a little too much though and made myself sick.

Here I am trying to pull myself back together again. Am I so fragile? Sometimes I think so, but then I know I can get it together. I just have to woman up, and refocus my goals. I have to think about me, and how I feel and how I want to feel. I have to stop worrying about perfect.

It's time for the big girl panties.

Day 46

So today I got some good news. I called the union to ask if there was anything in my insurance about replacement glasses (you never know). I found out that my insurance has changed as of January 1st. I now get more money off each pair of glasses instead of a small percentage AND I am covered for a new pair every year. A friend loaned me the money needed (as I am very seriously broke) and they should be ready in the next 5 days. So that at least is taken care of. We are not generally this tight but the first quarter of the year is always so hard for us.

I went grocery shopping today with $28 to spend to get essentials ( we will be fine next week so no worries from you guys) and with in store sales, and coupons I managed to get $100 worth of groceries for $11. That kind of a shopping trip doesnt happen often and it lifted my mood. I know thats silly but it allowed me to feel positive which allowed me to straighten out my thoughts some.

So now I am sitting in my bathtub, taking a bubble bath (typing from my nook) and feeling a little relieved and renewed. Its bedtime I'm setting some goals for tomorrow. Positive ones that include the gym again finally. I havent been back this week.

I feel like some of the negatives have backed off this evening. I hope I can carry that feeling for a while.