Day 233, 234

Okay guys. I am honestly struggling now. I am not "off the wagon" or anything but I am having a heck of a time "feeling it". I am discouraged because of my own actions and I cant seem to get my head out of the mud (or my butt honestly whichever you think seems more right).

I have had a strange week. I have been busy almost every day this week and unable to go to the gym, but its like I was telling my mom: "I'm feeling incredibly unmotivated and its like life just keeps throwing excuses at me!"

I don't really have any defense other than "something is quite obviously wrong" but even that sounds like a cop out. Something has been wrong for a long time and I've managed until recently! My mom used to tell me when I was younger and was neglecting something that I claimed to be important to me that it "Must not be important enough." That isn't true this time though. It is important. Its getting to me in a big way. I've come so far and I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a giant abyss about to jump of the edge.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not ready to give up, and I don't want to give up. I need to get my priorities straight and get back to it. If only it we as easy as just telling myself to do it! Remember when I said I had a habit of sabotaging myself? I meant it, and I feel like what I need is constantly at odds with what I feel like I want at any given moment. Where is the self control and self discipline that I worked so hard at over these last 9 months? It certainly didn't all go to dust at that first stumble.

I will go to the gym tomorrow and I will lose more weight. I don't know what Sunday is going to be like at my weigh in and honestly for the first time in a while, I'm afraid to know. I'm not over my points and haven't been yet, but I wasn't last week either.

I feel at an end here in one way or another. I have to chose to move on and get moving or I am in essence choosing to fail. I will never choose to fail again, so that leaves one outcome. Please bear with me.

This Sunday I am going to sit through the new member portion of the meeting again. Back to basics has worked for me before, so its back to basics I go. I'm being honest here and putting myself out there. I'm telling you guys that the road has gotten hard for me because it helps me leave it behind. It also makes it easier to come back here. I have been dreading this, how to say that I am struggling again, but then maybe I'm just still struggling. Perhaps the whole thing is a struggle? I'm not sure, but I want to keep going the way I was, and leave this weight behind. The fact that I am struggling has been keeping me awake at night, tearing myself apart to find the broken pieces, and that is not healthy. It isn't what I want.

I used to feel guilty for doing so well when other people were struggling. Now I hope someone like me reads this and gets as far along as they can without looking back.

Tonight at karaoke I was getting a refill on my diet soda and this guy randomly comes up behind me and tells me to go with water and lemon. I'm like "okay, but I feel bad sitting here all night taking up room at the bar and drinking nothing." I don't drink very much soda at all. My soda days are Thursdays and generally only at night at karaoke. The rest of the time its crystal light and water. Then he says: "Diet soda is even worse then regular, you should drink water with lemon it will burn the calories right off of you." ...Now he was drunk, and I'm really good at just letting things go, and being rational. This guy has never met me before and doesn't know who I am or what I've done. I was okay then, but sitting here at home thinking about it makes me cry. It makes me feel like the same girl who was sitting in wal-mart wondering if this was the end of her world. It makes me feel like I haven't done anything yet. It makes me feel raw, and it makes me want to come here and get this off of my chest. I will never weigh over 400 lbs again, I do not care how long it takes me to get the rest of this weight off. I will never be that desperate, helpless and sad girl ever again. That dude can seriously stuff his "water with lemon."

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 cup coffee w/cream: 3
2 bites mac and cheese: 1
1 cup mixed veg: 1
1 serving enchilada: 9
1 banana: 2
2 servings ww mac: 7
1 serving spaghetti sauce: 1
1 100 cal pack: 1
AFTER KARAOKE (6 hours later):
2 servings pasta: 7
another serving sauce: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
36/40

I don't usually drink coffee but I was babysitting at an early hour (for me) this morning, and I needed it!

Day 232

I did not go to the gym today in order to take someone to visit a dying loved one. It wasn't planned, and honestly? You cant plan for those things.

I have an appointment in the evening tomorrow so my goal is to get to the gym in the early after noon and go to my appointment sweaty! Oh yeah. But I need to get there.

I started my self re-evaluations today. Number one: I am seriously stressing about something I haven't yet narrowed down. Yeah, I know I always stress, but it doesn't generally keep my from sleeping and recently I've found myself fighting old habits...like I somehow found myself standing in front of the fridge doors open, looking intently inside before I woke up. I used to do that when I was distracted by stress. Food would distract me from it. So I need a way to distract myself from this stress while it works itself out. Two: I seriously need to revisit measuring everything. I don't mean cups and such, I do that generally anyway, but I've gotten lax about the little measurements. Mayo, spices, sauces etc. They count too. And three: I need to go to the gym whether I feel like it or not. Yeah, sometimes life is going to get in the way, but I find myself making excuses more often than I'd like. It doesn't help that I have been feeling less than 100 percent for quite a while now. I feel like this is connected either to changing hormones or stress. Again, I do have a physical coming up. I really need to get to writing down all of the things I wanted to talk to my doctor about.

I also still need to get better about tracking consistently again. It helps me more than I can express and I definitely lose more when I do. No downside, so just do it Ruby!

Ah, the never ending emotional and physical spiral of a weight loss journey. I'm confident about making it to the finish line, but I have a feeling that I am going to be fighting my way there.

Sorry for the short post guys! I am exhausted!

Today:
1 1/2 servings chicken pot pie: 11
1 veg burger: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 bag frozen veggies turned into quick veggie curry: 5
1 serving chips: 4
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving hamburger soup: 7
1 slice cheese: 1
1 fruit bar: 2
40/40 + 1/35

Day 230, 231

So after this post, posts will go back to being once a day again for the most part.

On Sunday at weigh in I gained 0.2lbs. I think the party on Saturday and the sodium involved had a bunch to do with it, and I could complain and shake my fist but honestly? It wasn't a great week. I had a really hard time motivating myself to go to the gym and work out, and then my sleep went haywire. I was finally able to sleep last night. I do not know what kept me awake for so long. It could be stress (like everything else is), but it hasn't ever happened like that before. I had this pain in my neck and one shoulder and I couldn't get comfortable and then my brain just. would. not. shut. up. I'm hoping that this was an isolated event and that it wont happen again. Not sleeping was horrible, I felt like a zombie, numb but mobile somehow. I took today off too (just from the gym) to get myself back together after being a head case for 3 days.

I think I am still having some trouble with getting back onto the groove of everything here. I keep losing my focus in day to day life. I think I need to go back to my rules, or perhaps re-evaluate them. Our meeting this week was about what was keeping us from success and I have been thinking a lot about that. My environment is not it. I think my environment is pretty conducive to my diet, especially now that I've moved. Some of it is my friends, but not all of them. I have trouble saying no, and some of them have trouble accepting or dealing with what I am trying to do. My time management and planning have something to do with it too. I end up late or I end up running out of time (like on Thursdays) and I never plan for a successful outcome. These are some of the things the WW booklet mentions, but honestly? Its me. I am the one who has trouble saying no, and budgeting my time. I never thought I was the kind of girl who gives in to social pressure (Never tried smoking, never done any drugs not even experimenting, and I don't really drink.), I don't even take a lot of tylenol. Food though? It has this hold on my feelings and emotions. It's connected to my sense of comfort and belonging and even love. That is pretty powerful. I'm in wonder of those people (and there are some!) who can make this long journey without addressing their psyche.

So for those of you who are new here or just new to this blog: Am I failing because I maintained/gained this week? No way! I am still over 83lbs down! Like I said before, a stumble or failure doesn't have to be the end. It is an inevitable part of a very long journey, and this wasn't even a stumble. Some of you are reading me now for motivation, so I wanted to say if you take anything from my blog I want it to be the ability to just keep going! It takes 6-8 weeks to make something a habit and so much less time to screw that back up. Most of us give up before we can even get into the groove which may not be that much easier, but it so worth it. We get paid for our results. We get to live and breathe a little longer and little more comfortably.

I have discovered (just now it hit me) that my biggest problem is that I have put a time limit on how long I want it to take me to lose weight. I gave myself 2 years. I'll be 28/29 and I want to have children so I gave myself this mental finish line. My body does what it has to and I lose weight at the speed of my commitment which isn't going to be the same every day. I'm human you know? I want to get it off in two years, but honestly? I still have a long road to travel and the idea that I'm setting myself back time wise every time I don't lose weight is making me crazy. So: No more time crunch. I still want the weight off fast, but more than that I just want it off. Wow, what a random epiphany.

I'm going to come back strong this week. I feel like a woman on a mission here. I will lose more weight!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym enough this week, but I did go twice.
2. I did pretty well again this week, but I took Sunday off food and exercise wise as I was pretty much dead to the world and needed the break from thinking...about anything.
3. I went to my meeting! I've hit every one since the start of the challenge breaking a streak of missing them pretty often!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 9 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that suddenly I have motivation and dreams again! Before my only dream (the only one I had left after gaining so much weight killed the rest) was to have children...then the weight killed that dream too. So I struck out at it in what I felt like was the last time I might even ever try. I had pretty much had it with everything at that moment. I started gaining ground and losing weight and suddenly I started feeling like there were more possibilities in my life. I feel like I have more open outcomes than I ever have before. It feels freeing, and that's what I'm after: Being free.

Today:
1 serving pasta: 3
1 serving veg sauce: 2
second serving: 6
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tbsp olive oil: 3
1 serving black bean sauce: 2
1 fruit bar: 2
1 serving fruit snack: 3
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 serving chicken pot pie: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 (later) serving chicken pot pie: 7
40/40

Day 227, 228, 229

Today is my weigh in day, but it isn't for another few hours. I was going to save this bulk update for tonight, but I will just make my Day 230 update then. I need to talk about how this week is going.

Bad. My food is pretty good, but my exercise is down, though I went to the gym twice this week. I have not slept since Wednesday night. Thursday was karaoke. I went home after and went to bed. I fell asleep and 2 hours later I woke up and could not go back to sleep. This is turning into a pattern, and it isn't for lack of being tired. I haven't had this much trouble sleeping since way before I got married. Friday I had a lot of cooking to do for a function for that convention I help run. Then tonight (Saturday) was the function/party and I was on my feet for a bunch of it. I should be dead tired right? Yes, I am, but I cant seem to hit the magic button that turns my brain off for the night. I have weigh in and grocery shopping today and I am so non-functional that I'm useless at the moment. I also have a date planned with my husband that I may postpone.

I want to tell you all about how the party's theme was Deep Frying, and how I managed to avoid most of the bad foods, and how different I would have handled the whole thing a year ago, but I cant seem to get the words to come out right today. I'm just tired.

Anyway, please wish me luck energy for weigh in and my day. I need the boost!

Day 226

This week is not going so well on the exercise front. I have been feeling sort of weighed down. It could be the weather, its been a little gloomy here in Baltimore. I haven't been sedentary though. I kinda wanted to talk about that difference in myself here. Not just so you guys can see it, but also so that I can, because I want the proof staring me in the face when I am being wishy-washy about the gym.

At 417.8lbs I could not walk all of the way through the grocery store without a break. I could not stand for the whole time it took me to do my dinner dishes. I could not walk my dogs. I could not sweep my floor, or tote my laundry up and down the stairs. I could not sleep comfortably next to my husband in my own bed. I had trouble putting my own socks and shoes on. Once on a trip the the DC Zoo with friends I cried on my way back to the entrance because I could not breathe and I was in so much pain I wasn't sure I'd make it back. If there was an outing with friends anywhere that meant walking I was likely to back out. Back in March of '09 I could not walk 1/2 of a mile on the track without pain, and I could not do more than 1.8 on a treadmill for longer than 10 minutes.

These days, despite my occasional bouts of laziness I can do most of the above quite well. And while I have not been back to the DC Zoo recently I am planning to go back. I can clean my house by myself and dance intermittently (which I did today) while doing so! I can put my shoes and socks on with almost no trouble, and I randomly walk my dogs (not so often as they are all well over 60lbs and the small one has pulled me right out of my shoes before!). I can do dishes while cooking, and without sitting down, and sometimes while putting away groceries. I can walk all of the way through 3 grocery stores in a row, and I don't have to sit down, ever. I can do over 2 miles on the track, and 2.8 on the treadmill for an hour or more. I have since moved on to the elliptical which has been kicking my butt ever since! As for sleeping comfortably? Almost every night.

I'm getting there... Now will someone please motivate me to go to the gym this week?

Today:
1 serving cereal: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
2 slices cheese: 3
1 banana: 2
1 bag frozen vegetables: 0
1/6 (maybe) serving sliced almonds: 1
1 serving black bean sauce: 1
2 servings rice crisps: 5
1 serving meatloaf: 7
1 serving green beans: 0
1 baked potato: 3
1 serving yammy pumpkin pudding: 4
1 bag popcorn: 5
40/40

I got in 10-11 more servings of veggies today! I'm never sure about frozen veggies...the bad says a certain amount of servings but it never seems to come out that way...

Day 225

OOPS! Tonight's post is going to be very short because I almost forgot to do so! I had put the laptop away and was getting ready for bed when I realized my lapse!

I made it to the gym today for a bit of a paired down workout. I finished my whole circuit but skimped on the cardio tonight. I got to the gym late and then my poor husband who is incredibly supportive was having such a bad time, he was so uncomfortable and felt so out of place. So I put him out of his misery by giving it up a little early. I was shocked he gave in and went with me, but he really is always very supportive, though now I have been spending time trying to convince him that he is still a pretty strong guy despite the fact that I lift more on a nautilus machine... I'm actually very sweetly amused.

My food was again really good today, enchiladas are becoming a family favorite here now...and I'm glad. First of all I can seriously pack two servings of fruits and veggies in there, second, they are a pretty good size serving, and third, we love spicy!

Today:
1 serving doritos (I was weak): 4
1 banana: 2
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ff ranch: 1
2 serving steamed veggies (incl corn): 1
1 serving enchilada stuffing: 4
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 cup rice: 4
1 bag popcorn: 5
2nd enchilada (incl wrap): 6
leftover rice: 2
1 veggie burger: 2
1 100 cal pack: 1
41/40

I used 1 extra point today, but I got in 11 servings of fruits and veggies today! I'm pretty shocked, I didn't realize I was eating so many!

Day 224

It was a strange day today. I didn't get to the gym so tomorrow will be my first day back, but I danced for a bit, cleaned my house and then my husband and I walked after dinner. We went to subway for dinner tonight at my request. I fell on my glasses today and bent them so that they don't really fit on my face...so as I was trying to prep dinner tonight they kept falling off and I was getting really frustrated.

I did get a nice surprise today though. I had asked my husband to take the day off today because we really didn't get a lot of time together this weekend, and we spent a bit of that arguing (we don't really argue, its more my moods swinging than anything else honestly). Honestly we spend most weekends now running errands and doing things with other people. We almost never get alone time anymore, and I will admit that I've been a little emotional about it (and that it was most of what we were arguing about all weekend). He could not get today off though, and he felt bad about it, and I was disappointed. So tonight he came home and handed me a note that said: "a coupon for you, because you're super awesome of course!" And inside it said: "good for one day off of work." So I looked at him and started to tell him that it was sweet and he told me to read the fine print...At the bottom of the note written really small it said: "I took tomorrow off."

I love my husband. I'm going to repay him by making him go to the gym with me tomorrow!

Spring Challenge Check In!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I did not go to the gym at all this week and was a lot less active than usual, but it didn't hurt me and I'm not (that) upset about it.
2. I did pretty well again this week, I even chose to get the salad bar at Chucky Cheese!
3. I went to my meeting and lost weight!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 10 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I like that I have a great capacity for love. I love people and animals, sometimes to the detriment of myself. I sometimes give more than I should emotionally and sometimes even physically or financially (especially in terms of my cats). Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed, but at the end of the day I would not change a thing. The rewards (love in return) are worth it.

Today:
2 crab cakes: 6
2 tbsp mango chutney: 2
1 cup green beans: 0
1 arnolds sand: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 can soup: 5
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 1
1 subway sub (w/mayo and cheese): 14
1 serving sunchips: 4
1/2 cookie: 1
39/40

I actually got to 8 servings of veggies today! It looks like (according to my online points tracker) I only need 8 now! That's one less to worry about!

Day 221, 222, 223

Sorry to have missed posts for Friday and Saturday! I did say it was a busy weekend. There were tons of errands to run, I am cat sitting for friends at another house, grocery shopping, a 3 year old's birthday party (at Chucky Cheese) including gift shopping, and transporting said child and family to and from (I don't mind! Just explaining why I haven't posted until now.) When I got up this morning for my weigh in I was ready to cry! I was so tired I was feeling silly. I went to my meeting, but I did not stay for the walk after. I wanted to, I even brought my shoes with me, but by the time the meeting was over I was ready to go home, I still had to go grocery shopping and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I don't feel too bad about not staying to walk after, I still made the meeting despite feeling like I was duct taped to the bed.

So without further ado: I had a great week. I had great food, and I stayed right on top of my points. I had to since the monthly slasher was here and I wasn't able to exercise. This week I lost 5.4lbs total, bringing my total loss to 83.4lbs and my current weight to 334.4lbs.

I need to tell you guys, when the lady behind the desk gave me the results I was happy, I was relieved even. I was like "Okay, we stuck our landing, now lets keep moving." Then I sat down and opened the little tracker book that WW gives you and I lost it a little. I cried, just a little. I was sitting there trying not to embarrass myself, and wiping away tears. No one noticed thank goodness, I wasn't crying hard or anything, I was just teary eyed.

I can still remember how I felt when I realized I was over 400lbs for real. I remember not being able to get pregnant and giving in to the knowledge that I had no chance if I didn't lose weight, not to mention I could die, also for very real. I remember how defeated I felt when I asked for birth control and went to the mall to weigh myself on one of those "pay" scales that go up to 500lbs. The scale in the Dr's office only went to 400lbs. I remember sitting in Wal-Mart right after that waiting for my prescription to be filled and crying. I didn't feel like I had a path at all. I wasn't sure I could do what needed to be done. I had no clothes, I hardly fit in the drivers seat of a car, and walking through the grocery store was enough to make me cry. Everything was so hard already that I could not imagine a world in which I might lose weight for good. I felt so desperate and hopeless. I wish I had some beautiful and poignant way to say that I was already dying, but I cant. It wasn't beautiful, it was ugly, and it was sad. It was not what I expected from this life.

So today when I sat down in the seat in the back of the meeting (I was a minute or two late, and its a big group) and opened my little tracker and saw, not just how much I lost, but how much I weighed, there on paper, printed from a WW computer as a permanent record...it struck me hard. I was suddenly so grateful. Now that is beautiful and profound! This was one of those moments where you just get it, you know? You know you are going to make it, you know you are going to get to the place you are struggling so hard to get to. You know that all of the times you fall down add up to squat compared to the all the good you have done. You may just have saved your own life. And yeah, its that serious. I feel wonderful today.

Chad and I had a large brunch out today before grocery shopping, which will mean I am going to use some extra points today, but that's alright. He and I haven't been out together alone in quite a while, and it was really nice to just have a not rushed, uncomplicated meal. Dinner tonight is going to be homemade crab cakes with homemade (yeah I'm proud!) mango chutney, and baked yams. I will post my food log before I go to bed!

Also, tomorrow is the Spring Challenge Check in!

And a picture of last nights group from karaoke! I'm the one in jeans and a black shirt 2nd from your left:

Day 220

So between my friend and my husband we managed 3 more cats tonight! I'm relieved. They hate taking pills and they fight so hard...also the pills as they disolve in the cats mouth, make them foam at the mouth! Not in a rabid sort of way or anything, just the pills make them drool if not swallowed quickly! They will get over it!

Tonight was karaoke night! It was great, we had a great time, again no drinking for me. I did break my rule tonight though, about eating after two...my points were only 12 before karaoke. So I ate dinner after, and had a snack to get me up a little higher. I worry only a little sometimes about throwing my body into starvation mode, but this doesn't happen a lot. I have a busy weekend coming up and if I can just keep my food really good (and by really good I do not mean eating less! I mean eating enough! You know, 41 points!) I know I will see a loss!

Also, I am toying with the idea of finding a band to sing with once I drop this weight. My confidence has already come so far...I mean, why not? I do love it so very much, and other people (not just friends so its not just out of love!) tell me I'm good. I think even if it went no where at all it would be a fun and worthwhile experience! Maybe that will inspire the courage in my to finally get my teeth worked on...it would be about time. Look at me! Lose a little weight and I'm all inspiration and courage. Pfft. Wish I could have seen that a few weeks ago when I was down in the dumps hiding my head in the mud!

Today:
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving white chicken chili: 9
1 cup grapes: 1
22/41

Day 219

Today was another slowish sort of day. The monthly slasher flick is still here in all its glory. I wasn't sedentary today though. I did a lot of chores around the house that I had been neglecting. I then spent 3 hours trying to get my cats to take a pill. Yeah, let me tell you, even the fattest of the spoiled rotten fluff balls will turn into a classically trained ninja on the occasion that they might need to take a pill. I have some new scars, and less than half of the little beasts are done! I tried tuna, I tried cream, I gave up for the night. We will resume this battle tomorrow night...so if anyone has any ideas...?

My food was good today, but a little strange there at the end which you will see. I made dinner and I was doing the dishes as it was finishing up. I then dried my hands and made my brother's plate-which I then accidentally flung to the floor. Ah yes, the ups and downs of only making enough food. If I make more than the 4 servings that should be eaten I'll have leftovers right? If I manage to not pick at them until they are gone, or just have a second serving. It's generally easier for me (minus the accidents) to make just enough, then there is no choice to make. I instead choose to make a habit of making only enough. So after salvaging what I could of my brothers serving, I opted to have half and give him the rest.

I'm sorry I'm so boring right now! I did do a bad thing though. I got on the scale this morning...I know I shouldn't have. I really should only weigh myself once a week on Sunday. It always throws me off, but I did it anyway. My scale shows me at 4lbs down since Sunday...which could mean nothing come Sunday, but it was a boost for sure!

Today:
1 serving brown pasta: 3
1 serving chicken: 4
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 serving bean soup: 4
1/2 serving gnocchi florentine: 4
1/2 serving ww cheese: 1
25
1 serving chicken and sauce over wheat pasta: 7
1 100 cal pack: 1
most of a bag of popcorn: 4
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
41/41

I'm a little short on fruits and vegetables today, I barely made it to 7 servings. I meant to have some grapes but the cat thing stressed (not to mention I'm just going to be stressed out all week over not being able to really exercise...and yes I am working on letting it go!) me out and I went right for the nutella! Eek!

Day 218

I don't have too much to talk about today! I am having a relaxing night at home, or trying to anyway. I have been having a really good food week so far including today. I'm currently trying to figure out next weeks meal plan so that I don't have to try and get it done on Saturday night before going to the store on Sunday morning!

I miss the gym right now because not only does it make me feel better it gives me something positive to say! I'm going to take a walk with my husband before bed tonight, but that isnt the power of an elliptical work out. I'm going to have to be on point about food this week.

Today:
1/2 cup corn: 1
1 enchilada: 8
1 100 cal pack: 1
1 serving bean soup: 4
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 veggie burger: 2
3/4 cup spiced couscous: 4
1 serving light chicken tikka: 6
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 fruit bar: 1
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 serving bean soup: 4
1/2 serving rice crisps: 1
38/41

Day 217

I am not feeling so well today. I have my (TMI ALERT) period. It is always like this. I had a great week last week and I am back on track, and now I get to face down this week of a lot less exercise (if any, it just has to be that way or I'll drive myself nuts with destroyed clothes and fatigue). Life always happens so I guess to succeed we have to work with it, and not against it. I did not go to the gym today, but I'm not ruling it out for tomorrow. I want to go. I feel different for having not gone, and I know I'd have felt better had I been able to go. If it wasn't for embarrassing myself I might have gone anyway. I am re reading this paragraph and I see that it seems down, but it isn't! I feel fine today. I also have some good stuff to talk about...

My measurements! The last measurements I have written down are from October, but I know I took them a month later, I just cant find them. After that however I had not taken any measurements until last night. I was thinking that with how slow the weight loss was being that I ought to look at my inches and I am so glad I did! I lost 8 3/4 inches on my hips, 4 1/4 inches on my waist, 6 1/4 inches on my bust, and 8 inches off of my underbust! There were more inches lost on my thighs, neck, and arms, but those above are the real confidence boosters. The only thing that worries me is my calf looks like it gained 1/2 an inch. I probably measured differently or something.

Spring Challenge Check in!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I rocked it this week! I was awesome!
2. Same as above, I think I might have come up one or two short on a day or two but I have to eat nine servings a day!
3. I went to my meeting and lost weight! Proof that I am on the right track again. Next week I go back with walking shoes!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 11 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I can write really well sometimes...or rather I used to. I haven't written in years. It used to be a dream of mine to write a novel. Something in the realm of urban fantasy, which is my favorite to read. People would tell me I was great, but I would always give up. I know this is going to sound strange, but being fat/obese made me feel dumb. I know that carbs in excess can make us "foggy" but I felt like a dull butter knife. I couldn't get out the words that I wanted to say in conversation or on paper. I'm starting to feel better, and I'm feeling antsy like maybe I should get back to writing again. I don't know what holds me back, but I bet its related to this journey! Everything else is!

Today:
1 serving bran flakes: 2
1/2 serving cheerios: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving chicken tikka w/rice: 7
1 1/2 serving bean soup: 6
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 enchilada: 8
1 1/2 cup corn: 3
1/2 enchilada: 4
1 tbsp ff sour cream: 1
1 fruit bar: 1
39/41

I got in all of my veggies again today! I had something else planned for dinner but when I looked at my food log I knew I needed something much heavier in veggies. My enchiladas pack 2 servings of fruits and veggies per serving, so I switched gears from Indian cuisine to Mexican/Texmex. I'm kinda proud of myself for that too. I saw the need and adapted to fill it.

Day 216

Okay so I lost exactly one pound. I knew it wasn't going to be big this week, as I feel like I was playing catch up, but at least I know I am going in the right direction again! AND I am finally under 340lbs. That is a pretty big deal to me! Total so far I have lost 78lbs even and I am proud of it. I also got my first walk it challenge star today. I was kinda disappointed this morning because I had forgotten that the meeting leader had proposed walking after each Sunday meeting to encourage participation in the challenge. I wore my flip flops...like I always do. Next week I'll bring my sneakers in a bag to change into after weigh in.

It was an easy day today, as the grocery shopping happened yesterday. So after weigh in this morning Chad and I got a little extra sleep before enjoying a very relaxing day. I've become addicted to Final Fantasy 13 and so he and I have also spent the day sharing the PS3.

My food was okay today. I got in all of my veggies, but I over spent a little at a a friends house for dinner. It wasn't too bad, I think I could have avoided at least 4 of those points (pepperoni and cheese!) though. I have extra points and that is what they are for!

Tomorrow is the spring challenge check in and I totally rocked it this week!

Today:
1/2 ww bar: 1
1 orange: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veg burger: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 100 cal pack: 1
2 cups steamed veggies: 2
1/2 cup salsa: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
bean soup, homemade, moms: 4
2 whole wheat pitas: 5
1 serving pepperoni: 4
2 servings regular mozzarella: 8
1oz sausage: 2
1 cup mixed baby greens: 0
1/2 cup tomato: 0
1 serving dressing: 2
1/8th cup mushrooms: 0
bean soup: 4
1 serving sunchips: 5
41/41 +9/31

Day 215

Today was grocery day and it was a long one. I left the house at 1pm and got home about an hour ago! I did well despite that though. We did have lunch out as usual, but we went to a sit down place where the food was much easier to discern.

I have my weigh in tomorrow and I'm worried. I had a really good week this week, a really good week. However the two weeks before this one were quite honestly questionable. Like I said a while ago in another post, my heart wasn't in it for a bit. I stumbled a bit and had a hard time getting back up. Thankfully I hadn't lost my mind and was able to keep my damage to a minimum. Now though I'm feeling a little nervous. My last weigh in was 340.8 and I know it fluctuated a bit in the last two weeks, but I also know I now have it firmly under control. I am not worried about a gain, I'm worried about a maintain or something that amounts to as much.

I'm making this post early to be able to make time to get some activity in before I need to go to bed. I don't have too many options here tonight but I figure I could get some stronger walking in, and then some wall push ups and leg lifts. Just a boost you know?

If I sound down, it's because I am. It isn't about the diet or weight though. I have some things going on, and I do feel overwhelmed. I'm still not really sure what my problem is. I feel like ranting at the stars here.

Today:
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 dumpling: 2
1/4th cup hot and sour soup: 0
1/2 serving shrimp toast: 3
4 oz lean shredded spicy chicken: 5
less than one oz friends chicken: 1
less than one oz friends pork: 2
2 pieces crispy beef: 4
w/ veggies: 0
1 cup rice: 4
1/2 small taro pancake: 2
1 bag broccoli slaw: 1
1 tsp olive oil: 1
1 serving black bean sauce: 1
1 cup grapes: 1
1 serving smoked turkey breast: 1
1 fruit bar: 1
32

32 is a bit low for me but remember that I ate out today and while I think it was easier to discern, there is still probably a margin of error there that I cant really guess. So it might not be so bad. I also managed to get in most of my veggies.

Day 214

Eep! This is going to be super short! I got caught up in a dinner date with friends, and then making my grocery and meal list for the week! Now it's so late, and I have to get up early to go grocery shopping tomorrow. I keep having off schedule weeks!

I went to the gym today and made a full circuit. I also did 45 minutes on the elliptical at the new resistance. Entering my weight made one heck of a difference in the workout. Over 1000 again today!

Today:
1 tortilla: 2
1 egg: 2
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving shredded potato: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 100 cal pack: 1
1 bag steamed veggies (4 servings!):3
homemade peanut sauce: 3
1 serving meatballs: 6
1 serving spaghetti: 3
1 serving sauce: (less than) 1
1 serving potato chips: 4
1 serving chicken and green bean cass: 7
1 biscuit: 3
43/41

So 2 over today. I definitely have the points though! I also got all of my veggies in once again! Good night!
19

Day 213

Alright, so after today I have made a decision. I am not longer going to even try getting to the gym on Thursdays. If, by chance it happens, awesome! If not, oh well. I always end up super stressed on Thursdays with everything I need to do, and end up in a bad mood and late to karaoke...which I am not quitting. When you spend most of your days in the house something like karaoke night with the girls becomes quite important to you. I still want 5 days of exercise in though so I think what I am going to do is get some out of gym/at home exercise going on Thursdays and if I can get to the gym on a Saturday I will. The theme of the game here for me is: "Don't become so stressed and/or overwhelmed that you stumble again!" I got dressed for the gym today, left for the gym today with my mom (my only ride really as my car is very seriously not up to any extra driving beyond taking my husband to and from work) who then took us to Kohls. Yes, shopping. Can I call that being active? Right, I didn't think so. In any case she offered to buy me new gym shoes (which I now need so very desperately), but there was nothing on shelf in my size (11 wide - extra wide depending on the shoe, I have big feet.). She then spent an hour and a half shopping. I got home with less than an hour before karaoke started, and with dinner still needing to be made, and no gym having been had. Now, most weeks are not in fact her fault, but I'm done! I'm just going to adapt to the situation now.

Also Thursdays are notoriously hard on my food intake, as in I never eat enough on this day. The reason being: we are a late shift family. We usually have dinner between 10:30 and 11PM. Karaoke runs between 9pm and 2am. I stop eating at 2am, thus a pretty large chunk of my day is gone, and I can not eat bar food, and they do not allow in outside food. Also consider I usually go to the gym for 1-2 hours before karaoke, and I need about an hour to get ready to go to karaoke. Phew! Sometimes that's pretty stressful. This way I can use the bulk of my evening to fix and eat my dinner and get ready without too much stress.

Today:
1 serving cereal: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 sub from subway: 12
1 serving Sunchips: 4
1 chicken and veg enchilada (home made, 2 servings of veg in each one): 6
1 serving corn: 1
2nd enchilada: 7
1 triple berry smoothie (three 1/2 cups of fruit in every serving): 4
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
39/41

So I had 10 servings of fruits and veggies today! And yes, I am counting the mega amounts of veg I make subway put on my sandwich, without I am still at 8 servings though, which is right about target! Actually I really think that today was one of the best Thursdays I have had in a while food wise.

Day 212

Adventures of the Killer Elliptical.

So today I finally figured out how to get the machine to accurately count my calories burned and give me an accurate resistance. I had to enter my weight. No brainer right? So I do that, and as I do I feel the resistance on the machine getting a lot more...resisty. At 40 resistance I was sweating so hard in less than 2 minutes that sweat was literally forming as fast as I could wipe it away, and I had to wipe it away in order to see. Now that I was finally playing fair and not pretending to weigh 150lbs the machine told me that I was burning between (depending on my strides per minute at the moment it was calculating) between 1150 and 1510 calories an hour! Woot, a real reading, finally. Still, um back to the killer thing? I finished my first 30 minutes at the right settings, still at 40 resistance and was really incredibly tired, like wiped out. I did my circuit, the whole thing, and when I got back on the elliptical my legs felt like lead. I did 10 more minutes and called it a day. So at 40 minutes and 40 resistance my calories burned on the elliptical today were 1033. Add in the 400 or so more I burn on the circuit and you get 1433. I can not be sad about that. Its really motivating to see how many calories I burn a day. I don't count the calories I eat so I'm not really tempted to eat a little more or have something I shouldn't because I have the "room" or something. It's just nice to see. I can bait myself on.

Now I received a bunch of comments regarding PCOS and its effects on me (and all of you who have it), and I realized that I don't talk about it much. Maybe I don't talk about it enough. I really feel as though I shouldn't because despite the fact that it does play a heavy hand in my weight loss I don't want to use it as an excuse for why I can't lose weight (and please do not think I am saying that about anyone else!). This is just my experience and I can not speak for everyone else, but I'm not really having trouble getting the weight off. When I do have trouble it's because I make bad decisions (so far). It does affect me though. For example, refined sugars slow my weight loss down a lot. I once had a period for over 18 months (yes, I have seen a Dr, and I have been checked for damage and I am fine. ) that finally stopped and normalized with a low carb diet. Weight Watchers is working for me because a) its actually low gi when done the right way. b) I'm actually getting off of my butt this time (which vastly and immediately improves insulin sensitivity). and c) I have real support.

The other reason I don't really talk about it is because I had some very bad experiences with doctors and PCOS and now I have this soapbox filled with anger and that really isn't what I want this blog to radiate. It's really hard to rationally talk about experiences that still deeply affect you. For example, after my period finally stopped with low carb dieting - it normalized and came back. The first 6 or 7 times it came I was so afraid it wasn't going to go away that I cried. I still feel a little unnerved when it gets here to this day. I am healing though, and I figure that I'll be able to talk about everything little by little.

The comments did remind me that PCOS can mess with your emotions and moods, and even up your anxiety, along with hurting your weight loss efforts though. It's a vicious cycle! Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome is "is the most common endocrine disorder of women". Insulin is a hormone, and in excess it stores fat. Most women who have pcos also have insulin resistance, meaning they are over producing insulin. Fat stores estrogen (I may be misspeaking here, it may be that fat creates estrogen, which is just as bad) which is then also released as we lose weight. That estrogen not only makes it harder to lose weight, it also seriously unbalances your moods/feelings/emotions etc., also making it harder to lose weight. Pcos can cause a myriad of issues from depression and anxiety to infertility and heart disease. It is a serious subject and can not possibly be defined by one case, experience or definition! If you think you have PCOS, talk to your doctor!

For more on PCOS from people much more in the know than I am: Go Here.

Anyway, I hope that wasn't too much of a segue away from my normal posts talking about my activity and food for the day! I had a great food day, but I haven't eaten enough! I think again that it's because I am so hot! My food was so great though that I only need 1 more serving of fruits or veggies to make my goal!

Today:
2 servings inside out egg roll: 3
1 banana: 2
1 100 calorie snack pack: 1
1 grilled chicken sand: 5
w/ bbq: 1
1 medium salad: 1
1 serving ff ranch: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving buffalo chicken mac and cheese (revised, wont be the last time, working on getting those points down low enough to post this): 11
1 orange: 1
1 wrap: 2
1 serving avocado: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving shredded potato: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 serving chocolate: 4
41/41 +2/35

Day 211

I had a strange day. I woke up feeling not so with it (it is HOT in Baltimore right now, it will be 90 degrees tomorrow.) and my leg was kinda hurting at the hip (joint?). I went through my chores, took a shower and got dressed for the gym. Then once at the gym, I lost my mind! I felt so much anxiety that I could not make myself get out of the car. I drove out of the parking lot, and went to get a diet soda. Then, with the help of my mom we tried talking about my issue. I just don't know what it is! Yes, the gym makes me feel self conscious. Yes, sometimes my workouts are really hard (for me). Yes, sometimes I am so tired after the gym that making dinner is hard work. These things don't feel like the thing that is making me anxious though! I wish I could nail it down! I have spent weeks like this now! It's frustrating. I sat in the car and cried. I felt overwhelmed. I wanted to go home and I wanted to go work out. After caffeine and tears I dragged myself back to the gym and into the workout room. Maybe it's the changing seasons and the added heat and humidity along with my normal anxiety level? I was miserably hot today, we don't have central ac where we live now.

Today was cardio only, so I grabbed an elliptical. After 30 minutes my leg still hurt (its weird, its like an internal "clicking" feeling at the joint), it didn't hurt more, but it made the movement on the elliptical machine pretty uncomfortable. I talked to the trainer and he told me that maybe I needed more time in between sessions on the elliptical, and that I should try soaking after my workouts. So I stopped at 30 minutes today, and he told me that I should push for another 60 tomorrow.

All in all the day went and ended well. I had a great food day, and I still took my sorry butt into that gym. It's really hard for me when it gets hot like this. I feel like I can not function. I really hope as I get lighter that it gets easier to deal with.

Today:
1 serving rice pilaf: 6
2 servings mixed veggies: 0
1 tbsp sauce: 1
1 lean cuisine: 6
1 yogurt: 2
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving chips: 3
1 serving inside out egg roll: 1
1 serving sticky rice: 4
1 cup fruit salad: 2
32

I am currently at 8 servings of fruits and veggies for the day. I need one more, so I will probably have another serving of the egg roll. I am discovering that I need to lay off of the sodium. I need to keep an eye on that.

Day 208, 209, 210

Easter weekend was a lot of fun, and busy. Sorry for the two missing posts! A recap of the weekend:

The bachelorette party was fun, but not really my thing. The food was pretty easy to calculate, but not really good enough to tempt me to the line.

Easter is a different story though. I was given a basket, the majority of which I have already packed up in baggies to go to neighborhood children, but some of which I ate...on Sunday. I want very badly to dwell in the copious amount of stupid that decision stirred up but that doesn't get me anywhere, and I end up in a downward spiral. Still learning? Oh yes! I have to give myself a little positive here though. A year ago I'd have devoured that whole basket in a less than two days. I didn't do enough damage to go over my weekly points and if I did, I had a whopping 30+ exercise points waiting in the wings. I know I don't talk about exercise points, but that is only because I never ever use them. Its only Monday and I already have 11 from today for the week. I guess I'm not against using them if I need to, but I don't want to need to if you know what I mean.

My food for Saturday and Sunday was not great, but I managed to get in most of my veggies on Saturday, Sunday I'm not so sure of.

Spring Challenge Check in!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. This week was much better than last week. I did 4 out of the 5 days required, but I also stepped my workout back up.
2. Same as above, I'm actually surprised at how well I did with that part. Except Sunday I was pretty right on ever day. I was 2 servings short on Saturday. I am finding that counting the servings of veggies leads me to eat more of them to make sure I get to the total needed for the challenge. It has been motivating!
3. There was no meeting, as I said before, my meetings are on Sunday and that was Easter.
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 12 weeks from now...

Now something I like about myself. I think that this part is actually going to be one of the hardest of the challenge. I am getting off to what feels like a pretty rocky start here. I stumbled hard a couple of weeks ago and I am still trying to get my feet back under me. I always feel embarrased by my mistakes like someone is going to read this and judge me in some way. I think that everyone makes mistakes, and I know I'm not alone, but it feels very different when you are standing there in the mirror going over your week. So the thing that I like about myself for this week? I'm very introspective. I can (most of the time) get to the bottom of an issue that I am having and solve my problem. I'm rational enough because of that to pick up the pieces after a meltdown. I'm also quite self aware (inside) and I'm conscious of my feelings and emotions. Now managing all of that... ha. I think this is something I got from my mother and my grandfather, who both share that trait. I think that fits the mood of this blog right now! My goodness Ruby, pick yourself up already!

So I am posting the food log for today (Day 210), but I do have the logs for the 2 missed days. If anyone would like to see them I will post them!

Today:
1 veg burger: 2
1 arnolds sand: 1
2 cups steamed mixed veggies (corn incl): 5
1 serving cheese: 2
2 serving salsa: 1
1 serving rice crisps: 2
1 veg burger: 2
1 arnolds san: 1
1 yogurt: 2
3 1/2 oz roasted pork loin: 4
1 cup toasted almond rice pilaf: 6
1 cup steamed mixed veggies: 0
1/2 serving nutella: 3
1 serving jam: 1
1 sand thin: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
35/41

Oh! I also went again to the gym today. I am consistantly doing an hour on the treadmill at 40-45 resistance. I've been increasing it a little when I feel comfortable. All of the calorie calculators tell me that every time I do an hour I am burning over a thousand calories. It also looks like I burn almost 500 calories on my circuit. I think thats amazing. Now to get it up to 5 days a week!

Day 207

This is going to be short!

Today was hectic. I ended up going grocery shopping at the last minute today because I realized that everything would be closed on Sunday! I would have taken the car Monday but its hard for me to take the car on week days and I already had it today because of some other circumstances. I couldn't do it tomorrow because I have a bachelorette party to attend tomorrow night.

So it has been a long day. I think my food was okay today. I made it to 6 servings of veggies today despite being out of the house for 9 hours and then having a dinner date at a friends house.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, this bachelorette thing is at a bull roast for charity, Every celebration in our lives is centered around food!

Today:
1 baked potato with cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
1/2 sub from subway: 5
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 serving rice: 4
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
1 tbsp spicy sauce: 1
1 buffalo chicken baked potato (home made dinner at friends house WW friendly): 5
1 serving broccoli w/cheese: 2
1 serving baked lays: 5
38/41

Day 206

I feel so great today! I laid my line down last night and today I have been sticking to it. I also feel great because today was a cardio only day and I still did 60 minutes on the elliptical without the hour break for weight training in the middle! It was so very hard. I actually think that I desperately need new shoes. My feet were really hurting today on the machine and my toes we sore. My food was great, if a little boring, and tonight was karaoke which went was a lot of fun. I also managed to cut my soda down tonight. I usually drink a lot of soda on Thursday nights because I feel bad just sitting there at the bar drinking water all night. Tonight I had 2 sodas packed with ice.

I don't think that there will be a meeting on Sunday because of the holiday but I am going to check it out anyway. Does anyone else have any plans for Easter? Church, dinner and a movie, or even the gym? I know everyone here is trying to lose weight, but do any of you still make baskets or receive them?

Now this is funny. It has been a really good day and I don't have anything to say!

Today:
1 serving bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1/2 yogurt: 1
1 serving stew: 4
1 chicken sandwich: 5
1 serving mustard: 2
1 medium salad: 1 (for cheese that came in it)
1 serving ff honey mustard dressing: 1
1 serving rice: 4
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
1 serving (homemade ww this time!)
orange chicken: 4
5 hours later (after karaoke):
1 serving rice: 4
1 cup sugar snap peas: 1
1 serving homemade ww orange chicken: 4
1 yogurt: 2
37/41

And its after 2am, so my points are going to stay 4 short. Not bad though. I did manage again to get all of my veggies in. I have decided that I need to get into eating a salad every day. They are the great destroyer of vegetable deficits!

Day 205

I did an hour on the elliptical today, plus my circuit, and then walked the track.

Yeah, so I needed to get the good out of the way before I launched into the rest of this post. Go get your low fat popcorn, its going to be a long one.

I realized something today. I have not been giving it my all these last two weeks or so. I have been over eating (even if I am not going over my points), over indulging in things I shouldn't be, and making excuses for why I'm cutting my activity down. They are excuses even if they are only to myself. I'm not drinking enough water, I am being incredibly lax, I'm logging my food with much inconsistency and I feel like I am backsliding. I mean, really, I am backsliding...no feelings involved. Except there are. I feel miserable and gross. I feel like I'm suddenly keeping secrets from myself...self sabotage! Self sabotage as I have talked about before is an old enemy of mine. I do not have any clue why, when I am feeling so great about everything going on, I would want to fall face down in the mud again. I caught myself at lunch today (when I had my realization, or mini epiphany if you will) eating something that I knew wasn't worth the points or the heartache frankly. I was staring down at this plate of food and my first thought was "Who cares?" I do! I care! It was enough to make me stop eating. It was like that plate was suddenly my mirror and I did not want to be what was on that plate. In like 5 minutes or less I had this little mental skirmish in my head that has turned into an all day all out war. We have covered these things! Do my mistakes make me worthless? No. Do mistakes make this journey null and void? Not a chance. Do I want to eat that? Yes-What? No!

Yesterday I had the sneaking suspicion that something was off with me. I felt a little different. Not quite as good as usual. I remembered Retta telling me that there would be days I felt it, and days I did not. BOY was she right. I do not feel it right now. I feel the pull to rely on food for comfort and solace. I think I am a really strong person sometimes. I think I am rational and smart and thoughtful...but sometimes my actions don't quite reflect that. I used to tell people that I was not an emotional eater, that I ate when I was bored. I am here to tell you that from where I am sitting they are the same thing. I ate when I was bored because that was the time when I had to deal with those emotions and as much as I hate the fact, the fact was food was/is numbing. I didn't have to deal with being fat for example, as long as I could just be fat. Sitting there at lunch today though I could not figure out what my issue was though. What am I currently dealing with that is overwhelming me and making me too freaking lazy to save my own life (Because despite how you feel about your journey, that is the bottom line for me. I want to live. Not just exist.)? It's kinda scary to not know. I mean I could point out any number of things, but I cant pinpoint something. I thought about that all day until I realized that it just doesn't matter. I know what I am supposed to be doing. I have support, and a plan, and motivation. I have to stop letting the bad get in and confuse my foot steps.

So my decision is this: There is no way in the world that I am quitting. So I am going to do what has worked for me before, I am going back to basics. I am going to weigh everything again. I am going to track on paper, and put reminders on the refrigerator. I'm not going to allow myself cheats/indulgences/days off because I can't handle the whip lash from them right now. I am going to stop making excuses for why I cant go to the gym, or out to walk. I mean come on Ruby, you just did an hour on the same elliptical that you had convinced yourself you could only do 30 minutes on. I feel like the war was won with the elliptical. I was standing there in the gym staring down the horrible machine thinking about how much I didn't want to get on it, and then suddenly I just did. When 15 minutes had passed, I made myself do 15 more. Then after my circuit I was telling myself that 15 more minutes would be fine, and then 15 passed and on we went. I'm not saying that its easy. No way! I kick my own butt on that machine, but its worth it, and I felt so good afterward. Not so heavy, low or damaged. Maybe I'm going to need to keep exercising to stave off the bad? I find that the further I get into the journey the harder it gets. The routine gets easy but rediscovering who you are, good and bad, just keeps the same tempo. I'm going to take my steps back one by one until I am on track again.

What do you do when you feel like you are losing your grasp on something you have poured so much of your heart and soul into? My guess is that you pour in more. So I will.

Honestly is better than a verbal butt kicking. It makes me face the issue.

Alright, so a little bit more of the good? Despite my horrible eating today I did in fact get in all of my veggies (each serving of my stew is 3 servings of veggies).

Today:
1/2 cup rice: 2
1 cup orange chicken: 10
1 cup broccoli: 0
1/2 cup peaches: 1
2 inch piece of roast sand: 5
3/4 cup ice cream: 4
misc bites: 6
1 serving stew:
5 hours later 2nd serving stew (it has been a busy day): 4
1 serving cheese: 2
1 orange: 1
39/41