Day 221, 222, 223

Sorry to have missed posts for Friday and Saturday! I did say it was a busy weekend. There were tons of errands to run, I am cat sitting for friends at another house, grocery shopping, a 3 year old's birthday party (at Chucky Cheese) including gift shopping, and transporting said child and family to and from (I don't mind! Just explaining why I haven't posted until now.) When I got up this morning for my weigh in I was ready to cry! I was so tired I was feeling silly. I went to my meeting, but I did not stay for the walk after. I wanted to, I even brought my shoes with me, but by the time the meeting was over I was ready to go home, I still had to go grocery shopping and I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I don't feel too bad about not staying to walk after, I still made the meeting despite feeling like I was duct taped to the bed.

So without further ado: I had a great week. I had great food, and I stayed right on top of my points. I had to since the monthly slasher was here and I wasn't able to exercise. This week I lost 5.4lbs total, bringing my total loss to 83.4lbs and my current weight to 334.4lbs.

I need to tell you guys, when the lady behind the desk gave me the results I was happy, I was relieved even. I was like "Okay, we stuck our landing, now lets keep moving." Then I sat down and opened the little tracker book that WW gives you and I lost it a little. I cried, just a little. I was sitting there trying not to embarrass myself, and wiping away tears. No one noticed thank goodness, I wasn't crying hard or anything, I was just teary eyed.

I can still remember how I felt when I realized I was over 400lbs for real. I remember not being able to get pregnant and giving in to the knowledge that I had no chance if I didn't lose weight, not to mention I could die, also for very real. I remember how defeated I felt when I asked for birth control and went to the mall to weigh myself on one of those "pay" scales that go up to 500lbs. The scale in the Dr's office only went to 400lbs. I remember sitting in Wal-Mart right after that waiting for my prescription to be filled and crying. I didn't feel like I had a path at all. I wasn't sure I could do what needed to be done. I had no clothes, I hardly fit in the drivers seat of a car, and walking through the grocery store was enough to make me cry. Everything was so hard already that I could not imagine a world in which I might lose weight for good. I felt so desperate and hopeless. I wish I had some beautiful and poignant way to say that I was already dying, but I cant. It wasn't beautiful, it was ugly, and it was sad. It was not what I expected from this life.

So today when I sat down in the seat in the back of the meeting (I was a minute or two late, and its a big group) and opened my little tracker and saw, not just how much I lost, but how much I weighed, there on paper, printed from a WW computer as a permanent record...it struck me hard. I was suddenly so grateful. Now that is beautiful and profound! This was one of those moments where you just get it, you know? You know you are going to make it, you know you are going to get to the place you are struggling so hard to get to. You know that all of the times you fall down add up to squat compared to the all the good you have done. You may just have saved your own life. And yeah, its that serious. I feel wonderful today.

Chad and I had a large brunch out today before grocery shopping, which will mean I am going to use some extra points today, but that's alright. He and I haven't been out together alone in quite a while, and it was really nice to just have a not rushed, uncomplicated meal. Dinner tonight is going to be homemade crab cakes with homemade (yeah I'm proud!) mango chutney, and baked yams. I will post my food log before I go to bed!

Also, tomorrow is the Spring Challenge Check in!

And a picture of last nights group from karaoke! I'm the one in jeans and a black shirt 2nd from your left: