Day 16

Today was another really good day. I feel good (even though I am still thinking about my surgery every waking minute). My food was right on again. I feel like I am eating all day long though because I am back to having the max amount of points that Weight Watchers gives someone. Dinner was fantastic and so satisfying. I made baked teriyaki salmon and baked yams with steamed peas after the gym tonight. Fish! A while back you would not have caught me eating fish ever. I'm trying to diversify my diet a little bit so that I don't get bored and I stay brave.

The gym was good too, I am doing well on the elliptical and the circuit machines. I have gone Sunday and tonight, and I am going tomorrow and Wednesday. Thursday is toothzilla day, and then I don't know. I'm going to try and sit through my Weight Watchers meeting after my surgery, but if I can't I wont beat myself up. I need to get myself some weight lifting gloves to alleviate some of the discomfort my hands experience when doing the circuit. Something else to add to my list of things I want to get after we pay the property taxes along with the yoga DVD and new shoes. My ankle is still hurting but I am wearing the brace every time I go to work out.

Sorry for how jumpy this post feels in flow. I'm tired and I am thinking about so many things right now that its getting hard to stay focused!

Anyway, I think I am doing pretty well right now and I am going to try and stick to that feeling for a while. I might make it to bed early again tonight! Good night guys!

Day 15

Today was much better than yesterday. I woke myself up coughing. I was afraid I was getting sick again but as the day wore on the feeling of needing to cough lessened. I think it was all the dust and grime from helping clean out the flood mess in a friends basement.

I went to the gym, and I think I even did better there than usual. A little more time on the elliptical and all of my upper body/arm machines. Then I skipped dinner with friends in order to go grocery shopping and be more in control of my food for dinner. Speaking of which, my food was awesome today! I finished up with 7 points to spare and I am going to bed early.

I'm really nervous about having toothzilla removed on Thursday. I'm also relieved. I want it and the worry gone, but I am always afraid that something will go wrong. I'm a worrier I guess. The tooth/surgery thing is going to be riding in the forefront of my mind all week.

In any case I am really proud of my day, it feels like a really solid, confident step forward. ...I can almost hear the sound of my diet parade up ahead!

Good night guys!

Day 14

I am updating from my Nook tonight so this will actually be a short post for once instead of me saying so and then writing a novel.

Food was not perfect today but no war is lost to one battle. I'm here for the long haul and I expect mistakes and plan to grow through them. I was over tired today, and gave in too easily. Just so you all know, I am already in bed. I am learning that I seriously need eight or more hours of sleep to function or be productive. On less sleep I have trouble making good choices and not giving in to emotional ones. Yes, food choices can be emotional. I learned that last time.

I only went to the gym twice last week after being sick and then hurting my ankle but I am off to a good start here already with a plan to go tomorrow in the early evening. I should be able to go every day except Thursday when I have surgery on my tooth but we will judge the days after when we get there.

Good night guys!

Day 13

I am updating early tonight!

I got Florence + The Machine tickets this morning! The show is 2 days after my birthday so Chad bought me a ticket as an early gift.

Other than that it has been a really low key day. I did some much needed relaxing, and I think my ankle feels pretty okay. It hurts a little but not like it did. The gym closes and isn't open tonight so I didn't go, but it's okay. My efforts so far have rocked.

What has also been on point today has been my food. I plotted every bite and I preplanned my dinner so that I knew what I could have. I want to succeed and the food part is feeling really hard for me right now. I just need to make one good choice at a time right?

I don't know if you can tell but I am feeling very off today. I'm feeling used up.

I think I let people have whatever they want from me on a rather consistent basis. I have a really hard time saying no, particularly to my friends and family. I feel like I am being spread in a thin layer over my life. I'm working on that. It didn't effect how I ate or moved today but I feel like not recognizing how I feel could be a detriment.

I have a potluck birthday party filled with cake and yummy things to get through tomorrow, and I have to get up a few hours early to go to a friends house to help with flood clean up. I'm going to be tired, stressed and hungry, but I am going to get through it. Maybe the longer I go, the stronger I will get?

I think I am going to use the word "tenacious" to get me through this week.

Good night guys.

Day 12

I'm going to try and make this quick because I am exhausted.

So exhausted that I cried on the way to the gym, but we will get to that in a minute.

I had a bunch of errands to run with a friend today. Her daughter, Loey turned 1 last week and the party is this Saturday. I am making the cake that she gets to destroy all by her lonesome. I needed some stuff for that because the messier the better! Three layers, top and bottom are rainbow, and the middle layer is chocolate with the center cut out and filled with cherry pie filling. Then I am going to ice it with white icing, spray it purple and dust it with edible pink glitter. Oh yes.

I went to Weight Watchers today! I can't tell exactly what my weight is because they printed my original sticker from 2009 by accident (and I didn't notice until I got home to enter my weight online which apparently they do automatically now...), but online they entered my weight automatically at 10lbs heavier than that. So either 417.8 or 427.8. Either way I feel pretty humbled and I have to admit to feeling some shame. You have to start somewhere right? I cant give up just because I don't like where I am right now. I am doing this to get away from where I am right now. Instead of letting this dampen my motivation I would like it to light a fire under my bottom and keep me moving!

Anyway, as to why I cried on the way to the gym. Sometimes when I am really overly tired, I also get really overly emotional. I did not want to go to the gym. Seriously. I even sent a text to my gym buddy to warn her: "The only way I am going to the gym is if you make me." She didn't want to go either, but she made me and we got through the elliptical. We went, and it feels good to have gone. I was so tired though that on the way there I cried like a giant baby. I think I have been working on less than max all week even though my sleep has been okay. I got over being sick, had a great weekend away, went to the gym, hurt my ankle etc. So I am going to bed early tonight. I need/deserve it I think.

Tomorrow we are back to counting points in earnest! Good night guys!

Day 11

Alrighty well today was pretty uneventful for the most part. I tried to stay off of my foot all day. This morning the swelling was gone, but its still pretty sore. I put my brace on and went to the gym again tonight without modifying my elliptical time down. I also did legs on the circuit machines. That was all well and good until I got to the one machine I have a really hard time getting on and had to like shimmy/scoot/hop on one foot just to get on. That was painful, and stupid. I should have skipped that machine just for the time being. Sometimes I feel pressure to do everything, and I know my body well enough to know when I need to step back some. Most of my work out was fine, just the hop/scoot/shimmy was ...thoughtless!

My food was good, I had a smoothie from breakfast because I woke up feeling nauseous, but I made sure I still ate something.

Tomorrow is my first Weight Watchers meeting in over a year. I've been paying this whole time. I know that sounds silly but I knew that if I canceled my membership that I would never return. I couldn't have that. It worked for me, and I want it to work again.

So, I am off to have a nap while my food cooks and put my foot up. Good night guys.

Edit: Woot! I'm proactive! I just changed my address with Weight Watchers and printed my temporary Monthly Pass card until I get a new one.

Day 10

I went back to the gym today! The only thing I modified down was my elliptical time, and not because of being sick.

You wont believe this, but today I was getting out of my car at the grocery store and my ankle started to hurt like I had just twisted it or something. I haven't tripped, fallen, stepped wrong or anything, I just have the best of luck. And tonight after walking on it all day at the grocery store it was swollen. I still went to the gym. I couldn't pass it up again. I went to CVS after and bought a nice ankle brace and I will put it up tonight.

Currently my plan is to attend a Weight Watchers meeting on Thursday at 6pm. The last meeting (the one I went to before that I had so much success with was a 50 + lbs to lose meeting in the early morning) was too far out of my schedule. Being up 4 hours before normal in order to go get weighed in was stressful.

My food was okay today too. I am finishing up my day with a Lean Cuisine meal. I know, frozen meals are not optimal. But it was this or popcorn because I was not exaggerating when I said I was exhausted. Sometimes frozen meals (the healthy ones) provide quick and easy nutrition in the right portions when I am lacking time or want to do more. Mostly I use them for lunches though. I don't feel guilty about it either. I am pretty proud of myself for eating the Lean Cuisine rather than murdering the pizza that my roommate bought.

All in all I had a pretty good day. Good night guys!

Day 9

Today was a sick day, and it was well worth it! I feel better right now than I have all weekend. I still have congestion so I'm not ready to run laps but I might be ready to brave the gym tomorrow night. We will have to see right? I wanna push myself but I don't want to hurt myself.

I do feel in a hurry to get started and deeply entrenched in this business.

I have to watch those feelings though. My emotional want is that this will go quickly, but I know that it cant and I don't want to set myself up for failure with unrealistic hopes or expectations. I could lose weight quickly at first like last time and then slow down or hit a stall like I did last time too. I also don't want to think I can handle the gym and then go make myself worse, which I have also done before.

I don't want to base this journey on anything but action right now. Anything else complicates it too much. It's what I want, and so I'm going to get busy making it happen.

Day 8

I am apparently so sick that I almost forgot to update this blog tonight! I don't have anything exciting to say, but I don't want to get out of the habit just because I am sick. As soon as I am better workouts will resume as normal and I will go to a Weight Watchers meeting. Before I would have worried that being sick and not going to the gym would have made people think that my heart wasn't in this, but this time I feel like what other people think doesn't matter as much as what I do. I am going to get back to it as soon as I can breathe.

Despite being sick my food was pretty good today. I had free breakfast at the hotel, Pho for lunch which I ate less than half of, and macaroni and cheese for dinner (which my friends sent over because I missed dinner with them because of being sick). So not as nutritious as it should have been, but I was good with portions and quantity.

I am taking antibiotics and Robitussin DM (cough syrup) currently. My throat doesn't hurt so much anymore but I have some chest or bronchial congestion, a wet cough and an off and on stuffy nose. When we came home from Comcon today I slept for 10 hours. I had no idea. I thought I was laying down to take a short nap before meeting friends for dinner but I guess the bottom finally dropped out! I had been going all weekend while being sick and I guess my body was letting me skate by and knew the party was finally over.

I'll be taking it easy for the next day or two and then I guess we will reevaluate.

Day 7

And I think that it wasn't so much the abscess as it was that I was just plain sick. My ears hurt, my nose is trying to get stuffed up and my throat isn't letting up. I am on antibiotics so I'm okay, but I am beaten for now, no workout, though I did try to do so today. I went to dinner, and to some of the meetings and I managed to soak in my bath tub (at the hotel) for about a half an hour. The steam helped but I am completely miserable. I skipped the room parties and drinking and rowdy crowds tonight and came to my room early.

I did eat well today though. We had free breakfast in the hotel lobby, went to Wegmans for lunch, and had a catered dinner at the hotel. No take out!

I had a good time, but now I am sick and I want to go home! I get to go home tomorrow afternoon, so not long now. I haven't been sick in months. I have been being careful and taking airborne. I had a 24 hour stomach bug on Christmas Eve but those are brutal and quick. This is slow and lingering. I'm really hoping that this is as bad as its going to get because I have the antibiotics and such.

I need to pick a new meeting for Weight Watchers this week!

Goodnight guys!

Day 6

I am still here! I am at Comcon and it snowing snowing snowing.

We got here pretty late and had a pretty light dinner (I later had a smart one frozen meal because I was hungry). I have a few drinks with friends in the lobby of the hotel and some of us came back to my hotel room and we talked for hours. This has been glorious for my soul.

Tomorrow is a big day, meetings, formal dinners and entertainment and more friends. I will be working out in the gym with my gym buddy and we have even attracted a crowd of other friends who want to go work out with us.

It's late and I have to be up in 5ish hours. I will be back tomorrow night!

Day 5

I am kinda proud of myself today. When I got up this morning my throat hurt so much I couldn't talk, my left tonsil was swollen and *Uncle Freddy had come to visit. I didn't feel sick, but I did feel kinda weak and tired. Not feeling sick alarmed me a little that my abscess (having surgery on 2-2) might be raging again. So I called the pharmacy and had my antibiotics refilled (I figure either way, I'm good) and drank a lot of hot tea all day.

I ate sensibly, and I still went to the gym. I put on my big girl panties, picked up my gym buddies and went. My workout was lighter tonight, but it was still good. I know that I wont be able to go to the gym all of the time during *Slasher Week but when I can it feels really good.

Tomorrow begins the ComCon fun and I wont be home until Sunday night. However they have internet access there so I will be updating even if its just a line or two. I will probably not have a perfect eating weekend, I know that, but it doesn't have to be nuts either and keeping this blog updated keeps me straight.

Good night guys!

*If you are new or it has been a while: Telling people about Aunt Flo is awkward, and I love horror movies. Since my period is a lot like a horror movie (heavy, and not normal heavy either) I call it Slasher Week, and Uncle Freddy. It makes it funny and lightens the mood a bit.

Day 4

Today has been trying to say the least. My husband and I stayed active all day and we will be able to get back on track sleeping wise to say the least.

This is going to be a short entry tonight guys because I don't have much to say! I spent the day out of the house running from place to place.

We did not go to the gym today, and I am choosing to think of this as positive. I have been every day this week so far (including Sunday) and I will be going again tomorrow. The only other day that might be missed is Friday because of scheduling and being out of town. I am choosing to think of this as a day of rest, which I think I needed. My whole body is sore and though if I wasn't tired tonight I would have gone anyway, I am pretty sure I needed it. So switching from negative to positive thinking. Or trying to. I need to stop getting so hung up on what I think this journey is supposed to be like. It's different for everyone and it wont even be the same as last time. The only thing I am certain of is that it's going to be hard work!

I felt stronger of will last time, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. The work outs are easier for me this time than the food portion is, which is the opposite of last time. But, like last time I do expect myself to eventually come around to being comfortable with both of those parts of this thing. Going back to meetings will be pivotal I imagine.

I can do this, I just need to remember that it doesn't have to be perfect, especially not yet. I need to keep going and working on my habits and my mind set. I will find the sweet spot!!

Day 3

On to honesty! My husband and I have been staying up later and later every night for weeks and recently it has been worse than ever. This morning we got up so late we decided to finally correct this issue. I am not the kind of person who can just go to bed on time and get back on track. I lay awake. Case in point: The night before last I laid in bed for 6 hours staring at the ceiling or tossing and turning. So we are going to be up for the long haul tonight.

SO we got up extremely late (think evening PM) and rushed to go do the thing we needed to do today. I did not plan well and ended up with a burger and fries for a late lunch. I should have thrown one of the Weight Watchers frozen meals I just bought into the micro before we left because thinking back, I did have some time. I don't feel shame, but a little regret. I could have done better without much effort.

That being said I went to the gym, and worked out pretty hard today. For some reason the elliptical machine felt really hard today. I still did the full workout on it though before moving to strength machines. I also raised the weight on some of those. This is the second week of being back to the gym and some of the machines were getting easy. I think I have really strong lateral muscles (or everyone does) because I have no trouble lifting triple the weight that I usually do on those machines. My arms are the weakest part of me right now, but they are getting stronger!

I am having a great dinner though, I made baked tilapia with a home made sweet chile sauce, steamed jasmine rice. I am serving that with green beans, carrots and pineapple. At some point this week I will post the recipe.

Good night!

Day 2

Today was grocery day! Grocery day is an all day extravaganza. We go every Monday and I spend every Sunday night preparing my lists and my coupons. I do a lot of couponing now. It helps us get more of what we need at a price we can afford. My all time favorite benefit of couponing though is being able to shop at a local grocery store every single week...and not Wal-Mart.

This week was a little different though. Oh, it took the same amount of time and planning and yes I used a lot of coupons but I also took the time to pick out a lot more fruits and vegetables for the week than I have been. I got 5lbs of grape fruit, 4 pounds of oranges, bananas, pears, and red grapes for the week. I also have a lot of frozen fruit for smoothies, and canned fruit (in juice) for cooking and cereal. I really like canned peaches on my Wheaties, just like my grandfather did. I also bought a bag of individually frozen tilapia fillets which is exciting because we are not a big fish family. I figured it was time to try new things.

I was so tired after grocery shopping, but I was smart! I wore my gym clothes to the grocery store. As soon as the car was unloaded I went to the the gym with my gym buddy - who was still waiting for me (more love). So since last Tuesday I have been to the gym 5 times. I think I am going to go every day this week except Friday and Saturday.

This weekend I have a sort of staff getaway for a convention I have been volunteering at for many years. A lot of the people there are pretty good friends and I am really looking forward to it. My husband even took the time off so that we could go early. Now, I wont be going to the gym, but there is a workout room in the hotel so I am taking my gym clothes (and so, incidentally is my workout buddy, we have a pact.) and I am going to try and at least get in the cardio on Friday and Saturday. At least Saturday, because I don't know what Fridays schedule will be like.

Oh! Last thing, my food today? It was awesome! Good night!

Day 1 ..again.

So I have a few minutes here and I wanted to get my entry in for today. I am settled down to start couponing and my husband is doing dishes (love!). When he is done I am going to wipe down the counter tops and table and maybe go over the floors after we feed the animal horde. So I want to get this done while I am thinking about it.

I woke up late today and had to rush so that I could meet my friend for the gym so I ended up not eating before I left the house. I paid for that at first at the gym, but it went away. I got 25 minutes on the elliptical (cross trainer) done and all of my arm strength machines done. I do my arms and legs/core on alternating days so that when I finally make it back up to an hour on the elliptical I will always have something to do between 30 minute segments.

While I was at the gym I was thinking about how stupid I was to have not eaten breakfast before I came out and it hit me. It was a clean slate. Today is Sunday and I could choose to be more aware of my food choices than I have been. When I left the gym and went back to my friends house where other friends were preparing dinner my husband was waiting for me with a small salad. It was just spinach and other veggies with a splash of cheese but it tasted awesome. For dinner I had very small portions, not just because I wanted to but because there were so many people eating. I had half a cup (I didn't measure but Chad made my plate) of rice, a quarter cup of curry and a small piece of tilapia. I was proud of myself but I recognized that I would need to eat again this evening. It wasn't enough food and I would be awake and active for at least 10 more hours! So for actual dinner I had a bowl of vegetable soup with half a serving of crackers. The only thing I can think of today that I maybe should not have had was 3 cookies. I have to admit, I don't feel too guilty about that. I'm going to have some light popcorn too.

When I was talking about shame, I didn't mean to imply that I should have any. I just mean that I do, and I need to let it go. I need to recognize that every single step of this doesn't have to be perfect. Kind of like my having some cookies tonight. Before I would have felt wracked with guilt and all I would be thinking about would be weight gain and how stupid I was for losing control. If weight loss was taking its time I would feel shamed about that too and I kind of want to get past all of that. I don't want a bad day or a few bad days even to shame me into giving up over and over. I want to train myself to roll with the punches so to speak.

In any case, I feel like I am off to a pretty good start. Have a good night guys!

This past year and today.

Despite gaining all of my weight back I can not say it was a completely bad year. Or even a mostly bad one. I am going to quickly bring you guys up to date, and then we can continue from there. Please have patience, this could get pretty lengthy.

My best friend had her baby in January (The pregnancy for which was one of the things that spiraled me into depression pretty big time. That is a story for another day though, I'm in a bit of a different mindset these days and I love my niece Loey very very much.), and my husband and I finally bought a car! A brand new 2011 Kia Forte 5-door...which was totaled in June. A teenage girl ran a stop sign and I hit her pretty hard. Hard enough to fold her drivers side tire under her car (no one was hurt, but it was scary). She was found to be at fault less than 24 hours later and now we have another 2011 Kia Forte 5-door. We really love our car.

I took a really big step for me around late May. I called a dentist and began to have my teeth fixed. My teeth have always been a pretty big self esteem drain. I have never had straight teeth, and as a child I had a lot of work done. When I was 23 I was eating lunch at work and my front tooth basically crumbled into my hand. I have been terrified of dentists for so long that it took me until last year to call! I had a lot of work done, including surgery to remove one of my wisdom teeth, and the fixing of that front tooth. Currently I have an appointment for another surgery on the 2nd to remove an abscessed tooth. I want to keep it but the specialist I saw said he could not guarantee that he could redo the really complicated root canal I had when I was a teenager and that just trying would cost me close to $900. If he failed there would be a second surgery costing me another $500 and none of this includes the crown or guarantees that the tooth wouldn't abscess again in a year or two. So, I am letting it go. It is the first tooth (other than a wisdom tooth) I have ever had pulled and because of how complicated it is I have to see the surgeon again. After that though my teeth should be healthy unless the rest of my wisdom teeth move!

I also had my 6 month cleaning a few days ago and not only do I not have any cavities, but my teeth are in better condition than they were the last time she saw me. For the first time in my life, I love my smile. It has character, and its me.

I lost two of my cats this year. One, Annie was pretty bad off for most of the time we had her. We had nursed her back from the brink more than once before. It was hard to see her go, but we knew it was coming. Then in November Artie fell ill very suddenly. The vet said it was kidney failure. I was away and did not make it home before he died which pretty much wrecked me. He was less than 4 years old and such a silly, vibrant cat. The kind of personality you know is special. I'm tearing up now actually. Sometimes I feel silly because the animals we have are so important to me, but they just are. I love them.

Brightest spot of 2011? My husband. No shock there. He is steady and calm in my ocean of squalling winds and rocky bluffs on the edge of nowhere. I could tell you I love him, but that doesn't even begin to cover or describe the kaleidoscope of feelings I have for him. Love is just the blanket you pull over all of the words. He catches all of my spills and I can only hope that I am half as wonderful to him.

All through out this year I made half hearted attempts and promises to myself to start again. I think that one of the worst things for my journey was moving back home. I don't regret helping my mom, but the environment here is much less conducive to lifestyle change and can keep me stressed pretty tremendously at times (another blog, another day). Not that those are excuses, but I should recognize my weaknesses and learn how to work around them or cope with them.

A friend of mine has been trying to get me to go to the gym pretty regularly with her all year and I have to say, I have been a pretty big flake. She never gave up on me though and for some reason recently it just "clicked" again. Finally, like I needed to wait for those moons and stars to line up again before I could see the light or something. Of course I didn't need to wait so long, but one thing I learned from last time is that until you are ready to commit, you wont. Period. It is a choice. I have to make it every day.

I think I just felt so good after the 3rd day in a row of the gym that I knew that I had been missing something. Losing weight is great, but feeling good about yourself, feeling proactive in your life and about your choices is amazing. My whole body hurt but I felt really right and in tune for the first time in over a year. Call it what you will, fate/God/intuition/self preservation/endorphins, but it was there.

So now I have a gym buddy who is mostly available on my schedule and who is pretty open and honest about her need for motivation. We kinda match. Oh! I switched gyms. I am now going to Planet Fitness. They are less than 10 minutes drive from my house (a block from my gym buddy) and they are open 24 hours a day for most of the week. So that cuts a bunch of my excuses out. I don't have to go far and I can go on my time. They are also a lot cheaper with a lot more equipment. They don't have a pool, but I didn't use the one at the YMCA enough to justify the cost.

Another change I am making is that weekends are no longer off limits to the gym. I will go every day that I can so that when I DO miss a day it wont be as big of a deal.

I have made this entirely too long, but I have so much to say! I want to get back in the habit of daily posting because its good for me and helps keep me accountable.

I think tomorrow I want to talk about shame and the actual number I weigh now. I'm not hiding it, I just don't know it. I haven't weighed myself in months. ..because my scale wouldn't weigh me the last time I got on it...which means I am back to at least 401lbs. This is why I want to talk about shame. I'm going to weigh myself this week. I will be fine at WW after next weekend because they have a larger scale, but I need to put on my big girl panties and look at the number myself.

So here I go.

I can't stop trying just because I've failed.

I'm not making resolutions. They are too freaking easy to break, and I need something that lasts longer than a fad.

So I have gone back to the gym, and I think I am going to keep going back. It's harder this time in a different way. I weigh the same or more than I did last time, but I'm still in a lot better shape this time. How is that even possible? The last time I was at this weight I couldn't do the tread mill for more than 10 minutes on the lowest settings without needing to stop, no exaggeration. Now I am still doing the elliptical for 30 minutes or more. I'm wondering if its giving me the same work out it did before. I am also back to strength training. My muscles hurt, but its nice to feel that way again.

My food is still crap. But I am working that out too. I need to be eating more fruits and veggies again but I have been so lazy! I don't know where this streak the last few months came from but good lord! So I have been writing down all of my thoughts and my plans. I am going back to Weight Watchers the week after Comcon (after next weekend). I will be using their system (meetings and online service) to track my progress again. I will also being using Sparkpeople as a resource this time too.

I am also going to teach myself some stretches (already started) which I did not do last time, AND (this kind of makes me excited) I am going to learn some yoga for fat people. I feel silly saying it like that, but it is what it is. I am fat, and while I don't want to stay that way I am not ashamed of myself. I don't know the right word for how I feel about my failure this last time. I seriously felt like the moon, stars, planets/whatever lined up to help me make that happen. Failing was hard. Harder than all the work I put into losing so much weight in the first place. Maybe I should try and remember that.

I'm not sure what to do about the emotional stuff. I will deal with what I can. I wouldn't mind seeing someone, but I can not afford it right now (or it seems ever, but I know that things can change and this will be a good year for us if we can just get through the property taxes). So right now, I am going to leave this topic laying where it is. I can't help but talk about it, because it's all intertwined into how I feel from day to day or how I handle things, but until something changes I am working with what I have.

One thing I took away from the last time was the experience of myself. I learned a lot about myself. Combined with the past two years, I know more about who I am and who I don't want to be than I ever have before.

So, one foot in front of the other. Life doesn't start over, it just continues.