Day 197

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

Normally I don't post quotes. It isn't that I don't mind them, but that I don't really find many that strike some internal chord with me. I read this one today in an article in Woman's Day that had nothing to do with weight loss, and I thought, "Wow, that was really sort of profound." I don't really know about the rest of the song, but those 4 lines are of an inspiring sort. I don't know if I am articulate enough to express how I feel (Oh the English major in me!) but I'm willing to try.

Ring the bells that can still ring
Do what you can with what you've got. Kayla over at Big girl No More wrote that she feared that she had already done permanent or lasting damage to her knees by being over weight for so long. She was discouraged and afraid. I feel the same way when I feel my back acting up, or my ankles. Or if my heart beats just a little strangely (to me, I'm a worrier, not a doctor). I am suddenly afraid that I wont have time to finish this journey or at least get to the part where I get to be free. We keep going though. When my back hurts, I do stretches, or I adapt my strength workout to lay off of my back. When my ankle hurts I push through it, and if I honestly cant? I adapt. I use what I can to get what I need to do done. Ringing that bell.

Forget your perfect offering
Do your best. Years ago while trying to lose weight if I made one tiny mistake, took a small misstep or had a less than perfect day in any way I would quit. I would just give up because I wasn't perfect. I felt like I needed to be perfect, and I was ashamed of making mistakes. Like a less than perfect day was a failure. It isn't, and it doesn't need to be! This still gets to me. Sometimes I still feel shame when I cant accomplish a perfect week, and get to the gym or eat only my daily points each and every day. Forget that stuff. Not being perfect is part of being human and I have never in all my life met someone that really and truly has a perfect journey. It just doesn't happen. I could be wrong, and if I am, kudos to those that have a will of steel. I feel like I am going through this thing learning what I need to in order to be healthy for life, not just until I weigh 160lbs. I cant make a perfect offering, my honest offering is enough.

There is a crack in everything
More on mistakes? Sort of. I'm not one of those sort of people who believes that human beings are all broken, but I think I was. I spent my entire life over eating to compensate for my feelings. As a child food was a fun thing, and then suddenly it wasn't. Food became something akin to confrontation for me. So often at meals (of all times) I was asked when I was going to lose some weight, or someone would ask my mom when she was going to put me on a diet. I was fat, I was always fat, but I was never truly obese until I realized that it wasn't okay to be fat. I don't think I ever hid food, or my eating habits or binged for real until I realized the those around me thought that I shouldn't be eating, which is kind of unfair to a 10 year old. I suddenly became hyper aware of everyone around me, and I felt like a constant target, whether I was or not. I did not want people to see me eating, even at a normal meal. So I started to hide. Maybe broken is a bad word, perhaps it is more accurate to say that I was given a complex. I built this fortress that I have been trapped in for so long, I haphazardly placed the bricks until I blocked out the sun. Over time the fortress started to decay, and develop cracks. The whole thing threatened to cave in on me, to kill me.

That's how the light gets in.
This is highly accurate for me. When I realized that I had those cracks I began to look for other people with the same problem. I found you guys. I've been around people trying to lose weight for a long time, but I've never seen so many people who are succeeding, struggling and putting themselves out there so honestly and without expectation. It took me a while to gather my courage, it was almost 2 months between my Day 0 and my Day 1, but I decided that it was now or never, those cracks were becoming deadly, and I didn't want to die. I'm finally getting somewhere, and making it toward my goals, short and long term. I have never felt this way before. I do not think that I would be the person I am today without having weighed 417.8lbs, I have a unique perspective on the world. I used my weight and food as a crutch, but I am ready to let it go. I don't need it anymore. So, the light had come in.

I'm not particularly good at this. Sometimes it is so hard to say things that it takes me weeks to get them out. I'm also not particularly good at weight loss, I am making it work, and I am making it happen, but I make mistakes. I take liberties and days off, and skip the gym and sometimes I use my extra points (Gasp!). I take everything one day at a time. I took the whole of my past, and all of my courage and I looked in the mirror and I made the choice that needed to be made. It must have been the right time to look in that mirror because never before have I ever felt that choice made so strongly with all of me in acceptance. I don't feel the need to rebel against the road I am on. I feel content, because for once, I am whole.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 ww muffin: 3
1 serving buffalo chicken casserole: 8
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving cheese: 2
1 triple berry smoothie: 4
2 tbsp fat free cool whip: 1
2 serving cereal: 5
1 cup skim milk: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
41/41