Day 63

This entry is going to be badly organized. I'm trying to get at my feelings about this weekend here.

Okay lets start with this: I have come to terms with the fact that I went over my points this week for the first time ever. I don't feel good about it, but I'm doing my best not to beat myself up over here. Second, despite Sunday night I stayed within my points all weekend, in fact I had 28 extra points leftover on Sunday morning. This weekend was a giant test for me, and while I dont think I failed nessesarily I do think that I can now easily identify my weaknesses here.

1. When I get that tired, I get that lazy. I start going for the easy foods, and not the right foods.
2. I am highly suggestible when it comes to food. If I am trying really hard to imagine that the fast food salad (stuck in convention center) I am about to order could actually taste good, someone else suggesting that a couple slices of pizza or some mashed potatoes wouldn't wreck my points is enough to send me in the wrong direction.
3. Again, repeated from weeks ago: When I am distracted I don't eat enough. I am also more likely to not think as much about what I am eating.
4. I let stress get the best of me constantly. I am planning to address this most assiduously in the upcoming weeks.
5. I have been tired constantly for the last week or so and I am finding its really very hard to be motivated right now.

Thinking back on this weekend the only time I can think of that I actually honestly ate en masse was Sunday.

I feel good about my progress so far, and I feel really good about where my head is here. I feel so different. Yes, I messed up and I stumbled a bit, but I did not fall off. I want to keep going. I still need this more than anything I have ever needed before. I have all of these amazing reasons to keep going despite being tired or worn or stressed. Sometimes it is really hard to convince myself that I want to do what I know is best.

I am still working on myself. I'm still figuring me out. There are so many facets to this journey. I can lose pounds, but I have to continue to uncover the reasons I put them on and kept them on. I have to gingerly uncover the damage this weight has done, not so much to my body, but to my mind and my heart as well. I want to be healthy as a whole person, and not fragmented.

This past weekend I was able to wear a seatbelt in the back seat of a friends car. I haven't been able to do that in over a year and half (I cant remember any further back). In fact, in March of this year we installed a seat belt extender in the back of the car we drove down to New Orleans so that I could rest in back when I wasn't driving. I can put it on by myself, without help. Its tight, its very snug, but it fits me.

I didn't weigh in this week. My decision is to wait until this Sunday and my meeting. I don't want to get on a different scale and then wonder all week what the difference is going to be. I also don't want to discourage myself if I gained something insubstantial in the 3 days that I was gone.

I am still here, doing my best. Sometimes I'm not at the top of my game and sometimes I'm out in front. This is life. No one gets to sprint though potential storms. I just want to bear them out and influence the erosion of my fortress in the process.

It killed me to not be able to blog while I was gone. That is such an integral part of this journey for me, it provides me with inspiration and strength. I don't think I would do so well without it for a prolonged period of time.

I am strong, capable and motivated! Most importantly, I know when I need help and when to ask for it.

Today:
1 serving pasta bake: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving rice crisps: 2
yogurt parfait: 2
1 ww muffin: 3
1 banana: 2
1 serving pasta bake: 5
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 skinny cow ice cream: 2
1 serving bbq soy crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 33/44
Leftover: 11

I know I am under, but I am getting back to my rules here and its after 2am. I am not hungry, and I'm not trying to make up for Sunday. Today was just so busy. I will do better!

Oh, and I need to get to the gym this week, and next week and forever. I have been having a really hard time getting the motivation or energy up to go recently. This is important! I need all of the parts to make this work!

Step 1: Going to bed early tonight...