Day 22

So today I was reading a few very inspirational blogs, one of which made mention of the gastric bypass, and the pressure that they felt to go and have such a serious alteration made to his body. Pressure from his family and friends. I have personally struggled with the decision not to have this surgery, and I felt for him. I have been there! I have had people begging me in literal tears to have that surgery. On one hand I know people love me, I know they just want what is best for me, and they want to see my happy. On the other hand, they have no idea how hard it is to be in that position. It takes an amazing amount of strength to make that decision no matter what you choose.

All of this reminded me of a something that happened shortly after I moved into the house I am currently living in. I was having a bit of an informal dinner party with friends. We were all sitting around my kitchen table playing Risk when I heard a knock at the door. It was the woman who lives across the street from me. She was drunk, and people were yelling from across the street at her. No one was being rude or anything, they were all just drunk and rowdy and telling her to leave us alone. She started out by talking to me about how neighbors never talk anymore, and how they are nice people and she is sure we are nice people and on and on. Being inebriated tends to make one ramble. I forgave her and humored her and was polite. She was kind of charming. Then she goes into how worried about my health is (I don't even know her name!) and how she had the gastric bypass and how it changed her life and how much better she was for it. She told me I needed to come and talk to her about it, and start making phone calls and "please, please" for your health and your husband have the bypass. This went on for quite some time. I felt frozen to my front porch. One of my friends came to the door and started to pull it open. I promptly slammed it shut. I was ashamed! I was mortified. I didn't want anyone else to hear it. She finally went away, and hasn't ever really spoken to me again. There are actually very few people I have told about this. I find this to be one of the most painful memories I have. I'm not angry with her, and I don't hold a grudge. I'm sure somewhere in her head she thought she was being helpful, not dealing me an emotional death blow.

I'm not ready to give myself over to surgery yet. In fact I don't think I will ever be. I'll admit that sometimes I think about it. I would be lying to say I didn't. I have even in fact fantasized about it. Reality couldn't have matched up. There is no quick fix, I know that. I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life, and I don't think I will be. I know I can do this without surgery, I know I have this in me. I'm not saying that people who make the choice to have the surgery (whatever kind) are wrong, I'm just saying I know it would be wrong for me.

I'm posting this so that anyone else out there struggling with some mortifying memory or experience doesn't feel alone because God, I really did. It was an all new rock bottom wake up call. I don't want to be defined by this anymore.

Today I did 3 miles! I am so proud of myself and so exhausted! Tomorrow I will try and do 3 more plus my strength circuit. I also got all of my points in today!

Today:
1 Serving Gnocchi Florentine: 8pts
1 pb&j on a pita thin: 6pts
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1 can soup (with 2 servings veggies!): 3pts
15 thin crisps: 2pts
1 serving sw dip: 1pts
1 piece cake (ww recipe from Ashley's Mom, not sure of the exact points so I over estimated): 5pts
2 servings (4 servings veggies at least) Chicken and Veggie Lo-Mein w/ tofu shirataki noodles: 15pts
1/2 cup ice cream: 3pts
1 low cal angel food cake: 1pts

I think I managed around 7 servings of veggies all told today. I have some plans for my veggie intake tomorrow that should help me eliminate some of my bad snacking and up my veggie intake.

Day 21

Wow. It really is Day 21. I have been doing this for 3 whole weeks. I love numbering the days because it feels so substantial. Tomorrow begins a new week for me. I know it is weird that I weigh in on Sunday and start my new week on a Tuesday, but I started Weight Watchers before I actually became a member. I have to say I am so very glad I joined and started going to meetings. Its like lighting a fire under me sometimes to remember that I get to go face that scale on Sundays. It is both terrifying and exciting. This past week on diet parade has been a hard one. I lost someone I loved so greatly and so deeply, and I was sick before that and after that, and even now I still have a bit of a cough. And even though I had a loss this week I know I stumbled a bit and I know I can do better. Pop would have wanted me to. He would tell me that I can do anything I put my mind to and I can.

I have learned a lot about myself this week as well. I learned that I can be strong. I can draw my lines in the sand like the best of them. I have learned to defend my choice to lose weight, even though I am surprised that I have to at all! I have begun to learn the art of loving myself just a little. I can see my potential shining through just a little, and baby, it is beautiful. My life is so different from what I wanted it to be. It is painful to say that or to think about it. A lot of the things that I wanted for myself are never going to happen, I have so many precious, and yet missed opportunities. I have let my weight and my self image and my fear dictate my choices and stunt my hopes and dreams for so long. I have let my weight make me feel completely hopeless. I have let myself feel like I was at an end... I believe it is in those moments that we find our greatest strengths, and our strongest commitments. I am 26 years old. I want to stand in line to ride a roller coaster with my husband and know that I will fit when the bar closes. I want to run, without stopping. I want to get in and out of my car without struggling and I want to always be able to wear a seat belt! I want to walk into a regular store and buy regular sized clothing and pay regular sized clothing prices. I want to be a mother. I want to have children safely without worrying that it might kill me, or my child. I want to live longer than my grandfather! I want to be +80! I don't want to fear doctors anymore, or social situations, or restaurant booths. I want to be able to sit in a seat at the theater without hurting myself! I want to be able to sing and not worry if people are looking at me or hearing my voice.

I want to define myself by something other than my weight. This week I have learned that I do have fortitude, and someday soon I will be able to accomplish everything on that list.

So my day in short now that I have been all long and dramatic! I had a great day at the gym today! I upped my speed on the treadmill to 2.3 and I did 20 minutes before my strength, and 30 minutes after instead of 15/15. I am so proud of myself for that. When I first started going to the gym 1.8 was as much as I could do and generally only 15 minutes at all. On Wednesday when I go back to the gym I am going to increase my sets to 3 (right now I do 2 sets/12 reps), and try and do 30/30 cardio. Someday I will get to use the elliptical, when I don't think I will kill myself on it. My husband (and everyone else) is sick, and I didnt feel safe walking alone so late (though I tried with one of my dogs, it was just unnerving), so we didnt make it to the track tonight, but at the gym with the increase I did 1.9 miles! I'd like to get up to 3 miles a day on gym days (incl the track) and 2 miles of just track on non gym days with rest on Sundays.

Today:
2 servings taco soup: 7pts
2 cups stirfry veggies (that had some sort of rice noodle in them, less than 1/2 a cup I think but to be safe I counted it as so): 6pts
1 turkey and cheese sandwich on low cal wheat with light mayo, mustard and pickles: 7pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts (I round up)
1 serving Gnocchi Florentine: 8pts (I know dif. from recipe, but I used reg marinara not fat free)
1 cup ice cream: 7pts
1 angel food cake: 1pt
1 ww yogurt: 1pt
Total for the Day: 41/44
Leftover: 3

I need some good veggie snack ideas! Anything you have would be great!

I'm sorry this post got so emotional, but I need that shove. I need to see these words come out of me. I need to see how much I am hurting because it is so much harder to hide that way, and it pushes me.

Day 20

Today was weigh in day. I should explain some things. My husband works late and we don't get into bed ever until between 3am and 4am. Last night I set the alarm for 8:15am so that I could get up, get dressed and run out the door for the WW meeting. I live like 10 minutes from the meeting so it isn't usually a problem...but I have had a hard week. I am so completely exhausted that when I heard the alarm go off at 8:50am, and my husband asked me if I wanted to get dressed fast and go in a little late, I almost said no. See, he is exhausted too. The alarm went off at 8:15 and he hit the snooze button for 35 minutes every 9 minutes... I almost said no, and laid back down and went to sleep and let myself miss this thing that I have made so important in my life. I mean, why go? I thought I had gained weight, I had a terrible week, I felt like I had been hit by a Mack Truck. Why go? Because I needed to. Because as tired as I was I could not let myself miss stepping up on that scale and facing my week. It would have been my first tiny, almost unnoticeable act of self sabotage. I have this pattern, and I want to break it. I have trouble finishing things. They get hard, and I make excuses for myself and my behavior. I quit. I always quit with "good reason" or so quietly that no one notices until much later. I was laying there in bed this morning with a budding head ache, and burning eyes and I had all of this passing through my mind. I knew in that moment that if I didn't go to that meeting, I was going to fail. I'm not being negative, or rather, I'm not trying to be negative. I felt all of the possibilities this morning and I know myself better in some ways than others.

Well, my Grandfather used to say, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

I got out of bed and dressed myself in record time. My husband drove me as I was dangerously tired, and I was only 15 minutes late, and I wasn't the only one. I had to wait in line to get on the scale, and the whole time I was replaying my week over and over, and I was so sure that I had to have gained weight. I got on the scale, I heard the printer printing out my stats, and the receptionist was still silent. So I asked, "How bad is it?" I'm amused now, but I was seriously killing myself with the things she COULD have been thinking. I'm a worrier if you haven't noticed by now. ;)

I lost 2.6lbs this week! Bringing my total to 9.4lbs so far. I had to ask her to repeat herself. I think I said, "Seriously?"

What have I learned? Do not doubt yourself! Even when you make mistakes and they show up physically, on the scale, or in your measurements, learn from that. When the going does get tough, and it will, get up and go anyway! Thanks, Pop.

Today:
Breakfast:
Triple Berry Smoothie (small): 3pts
Lunch:
3/4ths regular curry w/braised beef from Noodle Company: 10pts
Snack:
1 serving Kashi Honey Sunshine cereal w/1 cup skim milk: 3pts
Snack: 1 serving quakes rice cakes: 2pts
4oz juice: 2pts
Meal? (not sure what to call the in between things)
English muffin turkey sandwich: 6pts
Dinner:
Baked Dijon Turkey breast: 5pts
3 cups steamed veggies: 2pts
Snack:
1 cup ice cream: 7pts
Total for the Day: 40/44pts
Leftover: 4pts

I gotta get better at getting all of my points in!

Day 19

I am posting this picture for Rettakat. She is dressing up for a themed banquet this year for the first time, and I wanted to share my struggle with her, and everyone else.

I am intimidated by fashion (and clothes and makeup and really all female rituals).

There are a lot of things I don't do. I don't wear make up, I don't dress up, I don't do fun things to my hair. I don't draw attention to myself. Ever. I have never wanted people to look at me before my husband. Now I know how he looks at me, and sometimes I wonder about other people. Chad works at UPS and sometimes he talks about walking me into the plant so I can see everything, like how packages are sorted, etc. I am interested. Honest to GOD I am, but every time he mentions it I am filled with panic. I don't want him to be judged because of my weight. I don't ever want to look at him and see shame. It would kill me. In my heart I know that he would never think to feel that way about me. I know he loves me and is proud of me, but my insecurities eat away at me.

The other night I was looking at a picture of myself and I told him, "Sometimes I think I could be beautiful." Of course he sighed and affirmed (and corrected by telling me I was, and not could be.) my statement, not knowing how incredibly painful it was to say that out loud. I want to say it more often, until its just a word (like "fat"), and I'm okay with using it to represent myself. I think everyone else is beautiful so why cant I be comfortable when someone else says I am? I want to be pretty and graceful and feminine. I have had so few experiences in my life where I felt pretty without also being uncomfortable or feeling silly. Like yeah, I'm pretty, for a side show. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this to be negative. I feel like I'm having a slow epiphany. I am pretty. I am already feminine. I'm not really all that graceful, but that will come too. I haven't reached my full potential because its buried beneath the surface. But it is there, and I'm digging it out. In the mean time, I have to get out there and rejoin the human race. I have to trust my husband when he tells me that I am beautiful, because he is my greatest ally.

Anyway, I'm saying this because I felt beautiful last year on Halloween. It wasn't the last time either. I hope you feel beautiful too!

Tomorrow is the weigh in! I'm terrified to be honest. I have not gone over my points, but I have eaten badly. I know it, I'm going to face it. It's all part of reaching my goal. I have to learn from my mistakes even when everyone else says I had so many reasons to mess up this week. I know the only person I am helping or hurting is me. I am accountable to myself. I will beat this. I will get better every week, every day, every single moment.

Today was difficult because I woke up with a migraine that took 6 hours to subside. Once it did subside it sat in the background for most of the rest of the day. It was so bad my husband had to walk me down the stairs and my mother offered to take me to the E.R. Right, no, but had it lasted any longer I might have accepted. I couldn't eat until almost 7pm, when I finally stopped feeling nauseous. Please send me not sick vibes! I need them so desperately! I cant even cough anymore because it feels like driving nails into my skull.

Today:
Breakfast:
1 cup cooked oatmeal w/ 1/2 cup mango chunks: 3pts
Snack:
1 angel food cake w/jam: 2pts
1 cup skim milk: 2pts
Lunch:
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken w/o rice: 4pts
1 pita flat: 1pts
1 large coffee with cream: 4pts
Dinner:
1 serving chicken chow mein w/ rice: 7pts
1 triple berry smoothie: 4pts
Snack:
2 pizza bagels w/ ranch: 13pts
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4

Considering I started around 6 or 7pm...I'm good. Wish me weigh in luck!

Day 18

This is a picture of one of my diet buddies Molly and myself at age 19. Yep, 7 years ago sitting in a Pizzeria Uno's in Towson MD, waiting for a movie to start. This was taken back when we both still used public transportation to get everywhere. I have known her since I was 4 years old.

I think that having people around who support you and care about your well being and your progress without judging you for your mistakes is very important. I think that without it, you are working sort of handicapped. I am grateful for everything I gain from them, whether it be a lesson learned, or a hand on my back when I stumble. I really hope that they feel they gain as much from me as I do from them.

Do you have a support group, or circle in your life (online counts!)?

I have decided that I am going to do this come hell or high water. I am not giving up, ever again. I still feel unsteady, but it isn't not knowing if I can do it, its being afraid that I wont. Again. I know that I can do this, and I know that I am capable of blowing off those fears. I will, I will, I will! I want too much, and have waited to long to ever start over again. If I could sign my name in blood I would because everyone (who left comments) is right. It is about making a decision for myself to commit to something that will change my life in every way.

Today was much better. I woke up feeling sick, but went to the gym anyway. I did my whole circuit and then after dinner I did another mile on the track (Becky is going to do the track with us when she can!), which puts my mileage for the day at 2 miles plus the strength machines. The best part is that after the gym I felt better than I had in days. I stayed on my points today, and today was easier. I do need to put some soup in the crock pot for my lunches though to up the points. I had two servings of dinner again tonight to reach my points. Not together, a few hours apart, but still. It feels like cheating.

Ashley is coming to the YMCA with me tomorrow morning! Yay! Also, tomorrow is the dreaded Golden Corral. I still have my game plan, and I looked up the points for everything I am going to eat tomorrow. If I can stick to this it will be yet another victory over my diet demons!

Today:
Breakfast:
1 baked potato: 3pts
1 wedge laughing cow cheese: 2pts
1 serving spinach dip: 1pts
1 serving OJ: 2pts
Snack:
10 mini rice cakes: 2pts
Lunch:
2/3 Chic Fila SW Chicken Salad: 5pts
1/2 pack salad dressing: 4pts
1 serving tortilla strips: 1pts
Snack:
1 low fat low cal angel food cake: 1pts
1 tbsp raspberry jam: 1pts
Dinner (counting together):
2 serving chinese pineapple chicken w/cup brown rice: 17pts
Snack:
1 cup ice cream: 3pts
Total for the Day: 42/44
Leftover: 2

It's getting better, it simply has to.

Day 17

Alright, so the gym was out today. I woke up congested and have been coughing pretty badly all day. I started to feel better tonight around 9pm, and as of right now at almost 3am, I feel pretty bad again. Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn't exercise while sick, but I read online that it doesn't matter as long as I don't over do it. I mean, the cardio puts a little hurtin' on me, but the strength doesn't take my breath away, it just makes me sweat! I'm afraid with the week that I have had that I wont lose any weight. I dont want to have to face that scale like that! I want to feel confident and good. Bah. I am going to the gym tomorrow, come hell or high water!

Today was better. I had a hard time getting in all of my points and at 42 I'm done. I should say that I spent most of today coughing, and wouldnt have eaten anything until dinner time except that my mom came over and made me a sandwich, and some popcorn. I had a lot of lowfat popcorn today. I have to admit that I am still really proud of myself for holding it together as well as I have this week. I just want to be healthy, but its hard to feel like you cant take any breaks. Even when I someday reach my goal weight I cant just eat whatever I want. Will I battle this forever? Will I be able to keep the fine balance, even in the face of grief of stress or any emotional turmoil? I said before and it's worth repeating: I do not know if I can do this. I don't know if I am strong enough to stick around and to this commitment I feel like I have made. I dont know. The only thing I know is how much I want this, I need this. I'm going to stumble on!

Today:
1 Turkey sandwich w cheese (extra...thanks mom): 12 pts
2 servings popcorn: 5pts
2 home made cheeseburgers (1 no bread) on whole wheat buns w/ mayo: 11pts
1 baked potato w/ spinach dip: 6pts
2 servings popcorn: 5pts
1 cup ice cream: 3 pts

Tomorrow to work my veggies back in! EEK! Wish me luck guys, gotta get back up, gotta kick this sickness!

Day 16

This will be the last quick and bad(ish) post. My grandfather was buried today, and so family functions are over. No more food. Finally broke down today. My husband and I went out to Bennigans for dinner. I had a hard time figuring out their point values as they don't publish nutritional information!

Today was pretty bad, the worst even, but I *know* that I have those 35 extra points for a reason. I think most people use them for splurging, I just don't want to. Tomorrow I am going back to the gym and the track!

Today:
1/2 french onion soup 4 pts
half chipoltle burger on wheat 10pts
french fries: 10pts
1/2 order of sw egg rolls 9pts
1/2 long island iced tea: 0pts
food after funeral:
1 1/2 cups rice: 7pts
1 cup chicken:: 7pts
1 cup mac and cheese: 7pts
dessert (mixed plate): 27
Total for the day: 44/44 +27/34 extra
Leftover: 7 extra (renews Tuesday)

I would stay and say more but I have such a bad head ache. Wish me luck for jumping back to the gym tomorrow!

Day 15

Another post! Keeping up with accountability. That is so important to me, even right now. I want to be honest, or as honest as I can be. It helps me. I dont feel like I've fallen off of the wagon so to speak so I wont have to get back into the mind set when the maelstrom passes. I still haven't really cheated anyway. I haven't used anymore of my extra points and I'm still writing down everything I eat. I still want to get there guys, I'm still getting there. I'm not being very healthy right now, but I'm trying to be moderate even as I want to binge with almost every fiber of my being. To numb myself with food and hate myself viciously later. Ahh, cycles. I wont do it this time. I am having my comfort food, but I am not going over board. I might not be eating enough, but like I said last night: It's kindof a fight to keep anything down at the moment.

Today:
1 small mocha latte from starbucks: 3pts
1/2 Cheese steak sub w/ mayo: 20pts (this is an (hopefully) over estimation made using calorieking.com, so is everything below)
1 small order of french fries w/ gravy: 13pts
1 12oz diet pepsi: 0pts
Total for the Day: 36/44 pts
Leftover: 8pts

And again, really, I'm not upset about this. Tomorrow is the last day of all of the proceedings surrounding the funeral. The wake afterwards is at my Aunt Hellen's house. There will be a TON of food there. Tomorrow is the last day of non planned eating. Hopefully I'll be strong enough to keep some self control.

Thursday is back to the gym. I usually skip days between but this week I want to go Thursday, Friday and Saturday morning. Hopefully that will get me more motivated to move on, and help keep my mind off of the way that I feel. I really appreciate the support I am recieveing. You have no idea how nice it is to feel like people arent giving up on you because of a bad week. I need that, and I am so grateful.

Day 14

Another quickie. Things don't really get easier. Its hard to remember how much you want to lose weight and how much you want to feel better and look better when all you can do is cry every time you see a picture or see anything that reminds you of what you are trying so hard to avoid. I dont want to spiral downward. I am trying so freaking hard not to spiral downward. Every inch of me wanted to run screaming toward whatever fat filled, emotionless buffet was open tonight, but I didnt. I did have some comfort food, but I totally didnt go overboard like I thought I was going to. I wanted to cut loose a bit today to reduce some of the soul crushing stress I'm feeling, but I ended up traveling the edge. I went 1 single point over today. One. Which isn't even breaking any rules as I havent used any of my extra points. I dont want to lose sight of my journey here while I'm grieving. God knows that Pop would have wanted me to be sucessful, probably even more than I want to be myself. The only thing I regret about the day is that I am feeling so much like crap that even if there had been no death in my life I would still not have made it to the gym today. I'm not giving up at all, I'm just slowing down for a minute.

What I learned in my second week on diet parade:
Cherish the ones you love.
Be good to yourself. You cant give anyone anything if you are falling apart too.
Misteps dont have to be failures unless you want to continue tripping.
I loved and admired my grandfather more than I ever knew.

Today:
1 Chicken Sandwich w/ bbq sauce: 6pts
1/2 Cheese steak sub w/ mayo: 20pts (this is an (hopefully) over estimation made using calorieking.com, so is everything below except the root beer)
1 small order of french fries w/ gravy: 13pts
1 12oz root beer: 6pts
Total for the Day: 44/44 and 1/35 extra points (renews Tues)

Yeah, I am also still sick, and now I have a cough. Rockin'.

Day 13

I don't have the energy to make this very long. I have a feeling over the next week or two my posts are going to be short, but I promise to update every day. My grandfather, who raised me, died very suddenly today without any warning. I have so much grief right now I feel like I'm going to throw up. So, please bare with me for a bit here.

My weigh in today: I lost 6.8lbs

Today:
1/2 bag ww pizza pretzels: 1pts
1/2 bag fit active cookies: 1pts
2 slices peperoni pizza: 15 pts
1 slice cheese pizza: 5 pts
1 serving sw baked ziti: 5pts
Total for the Day: 27/44pts
Leftover: 17pts

I know, pizza and 17 points are left, but you know, I didn't over eat, and I managed to keep down what I did eat and that is enough for me for the day.

Day 12

I am definitely sick. I have burning through my sinuses and my throat, and my nose is alternating between running horribly and being completely congested. I feel like I have been hit by a truck. I felt like that this morning too, and did not go to the gym with Ashley like I had wanted to. I want to be able to go to the gym on Monday and do a complete circuit, and I want to be well enough by tomorrow night to make it back to the track. I had wanted to rest today, but I needed groceries or all I'd have to eat would be thin crisps and ice cream! It was a long day. The car over heated, we switched cars, we went to 4 stores total. By the time I finally ate something it was 5 something in the evening, which is admittedly my lunch time. We were short on time (as we were borrowing a car) so we didn't want to go home and eat, so we decided to try Wendy's. Not really a bad choice. I had a bacon and cheddar baked potato, and a small chili. My total for that meal was only 13pts. That isn't even unreasonable for my day, so why do I feel so guilty? I feel like today was a failure even though I didn't go over my points. I didn't hit my points target either. I'm at 39 points for the day and I cant eat any more. I think that's partly to do with my feeling so ill right now, and also because I ended up eating the bulk of my points late in the day. So yeah, I feel like today was a failure, but it cant be. I didn't cheat, I didn't binge, I didn't give up, or say "tomorrow's another day" like I have in the past. So another win for me, even if I didn't get in all my fruits and veggies today. Boo-yah, to my diet demons.

A fellow blogger, Greg, posted a goal board with some secondary (to actual weight loss) goals on it. It's such a great idea, and a motivator! I have a few of my own:

1. Dance without hurting my ankles
2. Run with my dogs
3. Paint my own toe nails
4. Buy clothes at Wal-Mart
5. Buy lingere... anywhere.
6. Ride the rides at an amusement park
7. Sit in a lawn chair!
8. Fit effortlessly into any seat belt.
9. Wear a size 12 party dress.
10. Be lifted by my husband...

Do you have any secondary goals?

Weigh in tomorrow at Weight Watchers! Wish me luck, and hope I dont need it!

Today: (not posting as meals as today was so discombobulated)
1 small w chili: 4pts
1 w bacon and cheese potato: 9pts
1 cup cooked rice noodles: 4pts
1 serving chicken curry: 4pts
1 whole wheat low fat bagel: 2pts
2oz chargrilled steak strips (hopefully overestimate, as they we part of leftovers): 5pts
1 serving teryake sauce: 1pts
1 thai egg roll: 4pts
1 apple: 1pts
1 serving ice cream: 2pts
1 yogurt parfait: 2pts
Total for the day: 38/44
Leftover: 6/44

I know! But lets look at the bright side: I did not over eat, and I did not give up. I could have blown my points in sick misery, and I didn't! Win!

Day 11

So my husbands father called us tonight as we were getting on the track to start our evening walk. He wants to treat us to dinner at...Golden Corral. A giant fat filled buffet! His treat. Of course the man doesn't know we are dieting, and he doesn't really have any other family than us. His father is anti social to say the least. Anyway, he wants to go either this weekend or next, and my husband told him we could go next weekend. Now, I know this could be a total disaster for me. I know it could ruin everything. I know I could just stay home. I wont though. I am going to go to the big evil buffet and defeat my monster. I am going to have salad, and a small meal. I am going to count my points and not go over them. I am going to come away from this place satisfied and not bloated and miserable. Then I'll probably run to the gym and reward my good behavior with some cardio in air conditioning, rather than the track. This is my plan! I am going to tie a piece of yarn to my wrist in some bright color to remind me every time I look at my hand that I am being responsible. Not trying, being.

Tomorrow is the grocery store! I have learned more this week! I need even more veggies and healthy snack plans so that I don't need two servings of anything to get me to my points goal. I find that even though I am not going over my points for the day, eating a second helping makes me feel ridiculously guilty. I cant have that. I give enough inner pep talks for everything from another 5 minutes on the tread mill to eating salad instead of getting the pizza special from the local carry out. I need to feel confident in my choices.

I did make it back to the gym today. I did my whole circuit, plus half a mile at the track tonight (got a ..thing... on my leg that needs to be taken care of so that walking doesn't feel like stabbing my inner thigh.) and so my mileage for the day is 1 1/2! Not bad for 400+lbs and sore! I am also going to the gym with Ashley tomorrow, so hopefully I can inspire myself to get some extra cardio done, I don't want to push the strength too much. I'm also feeling kinda not good tonight. My throat is sore, my head feels weird, and my nose is kinda stuffy. I hope I'm not getting sick. Is it okay to work out when you are sick?

Today:
Breakfast:
1 serving oatmeal: 2pts
1/2 cup 2% milk: 2pts
1 cups cherries: 1pts
1 cups blueberries: 1pts
Lunch:
1 Turkey sandwich on whole wheat pita thins w/trimmings: 8pts
Meal (after gym)
1 serving chicken curry w/ 2 slices low calorie bread: 6pts
Dinner:
2 servings spaghetti w/ meat sauce: 15pts
Snacks:
1 low cal angel food cake: 1pts
1 med coffee w/ low fat creamer and equal: 5pts
1 serving ice cream: 2pts
Total for the day: 43/44
Leftover: 1pts

I'm okay with that!

Day 10

I had a pretty good day today. One again I had trouble getting my points in. I was very very distracted. I had a few friends over all day, one doing laundry and needing a few errands ran, and the other is a diet buddy. I just feel like I am over eating. I had two servings of dinner because I didn't want to finish 18 points off at the end of the night in snacks. Dinner was amazing. I made chicken curry in the crock pot. Everyone enjoyed it and it made enough to make lunches for my husband and room mate, and me tomorrow.

Tonight I went to Wal-Greens with my husband to pick of a prescription for my brother. this is a danger zone for me. I find that we always come home with candy or ice cream or chips. Tonight I walked around the store looking, I even passed by our favorite things and I didn't pick up a single one. Another triumph ladies and gentlemen! I didn't make it to the track tonight because everything was hectic here for a bit, and by the time everything that needed to be done was done it was 4am! Hence this entry being made so late. Its okay. I'm not going to stress over it. I have literally been trying to work my ass off over here. I go to the gym tomorrow for my normal routine, along with the track, and I told Ashley I would go with her to the gym on Saturday. Sunday is my weigh in! I'm both excited and frightened. I don't want to be disappointed, and I dont want to give up. I don't want to feel like giving up. I want a little extra gas for my motivation engine! I promise though, that I will take any blow that comes along. I just have to keep going.

On a side note, I have discovered that I love the Recipe Builder on the Weight Watchers website, but hate the online points tracker. It is incredibly tedious. I like tracking in my little marble copybook just fine!

Today:
Breakfast:
1 serving oatmeal: 2pts
1 serving strawberries: 1pts
1/2 cup 2% milk: 2pts
Lunch:
1 turkey sandwich w/trimmings: 5pts
1/2 cup broccoli salad: 3pts
1 serving carrot sticks: 0pts
1 serving dip: 1pts
Dinner:
2 servings chicken curry: 9pts
1 1/2 servings brown rice: 7pts
Snacks: (all)
1 slice cheese: 1pts
2 cups very light veggie stir fry: 3pts (olive oil + overserving)
1 serving cheddar popcorn: 3pts
1 serving fat free popcorn: 1pts
1 WW ice cream: 2pts
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4.

Oi, I did alright today! I just feel so unsure...

Day 9

I found it! Look at that bath tub! That is going to be where my husband takes me for our anniversary. It's also going to be my reward for sticking to this! This hotel was brought to my attention by Becky. She and her husband also want to go there for their 10th anniversary in December! The hotel is called The 1840s Carrollton Inn, and it's located here in Baltimore. It's beautiful, and romantic, and perfect! Someday my husband and I will be able to take a bath together at home, but until then this will do. :)

Today was so good. I made it to the gym again today! I am going to continue saying "made it" to the gym because every day that I do is a triumph. Every day that I stick to what I set out to do is a blessing. I have failed myself so many times. I wont say that I cant this time, because that is totally untrue. I have to keep telling myself that I wont though. I made it to the gym, and they moved the arm curl machine for me! I can get in and out without embarrassment. At the gym I do 8 strength exercises, chest press, rear deltoid, arm extension, arm curl, back extension, ab crunch, leg extension, and leg curl. I do 2 sets of 12 reps on each machine. I warm up on the treadmill for 15 minutes before, and 15 minutes after. today I set the treadmill to 2.1, two weeks from now I would like to be doing 2.5 or better. I feel good about this! I weigh over 400lbs, and I can do this! I feel hope thinking about that. We also made it to the track tonight with the dogs. I did another whole mile! That puts my mileage today at 2! I have so many doubts about myself and this diet, but every time I go to the gym I feel like I can push all of that noise into the back of my head. I feel empowered, and confident. Life is pretty stressful right now, but I can do this. I can set my mind to this task, and suceed at the most important thing I have ever tried to do.

I feel like this post has been all over the place tonight, but then, so has my head. I also made it to the store today and bought extra veggies and fruit, and things to make healthy smoothies to go along with my breakfast in the mornings. I need to get into the habit of making myself oatmeal every morning, and I need to make another batch of taco soup for the next two weeks lunches for my husband.

Today:
Breakfast:
2 servings taco soup: 7pts
1 serving low fat cheddar: 1pts
1 gala apple: 1pts
Snack:
1 pizza bagel (I am so addicted) on even lower fat, and whole wheat bagel: 5pts
Lunch:
1 turkey sandwich w/ trimmings: 7pts
1 serving saute'd cauliflour: 0pts
Snack after workout:
8oz Naked Protein Juice Smoothie: 5pts
15 thin crisps: 3pts
1 serving dip: 1pts
Dinner:
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken w/rice: 6pts
Snack:
1/2 cup rice w/very little sauce: 3pts
Dessert:
1 serving low fat ice cream: 2pts
Total for the Day: 41/44
Leftover: 3!

Edit: Oops! I made a mistake! I thought that I followed the directions to serve 6 when I made tonight's dinner, but a re-read after dinner alerted me to the fact that it was to serve 4! Oh no! We will live, but there is a lesson in this! Pay attention to the directions! My 3rd grade math teacher would be twitching at me right now... So tonight's dinner included the rice (1/2 cups though, so still have to count two points of that) and was only 4 points! Which means I didn't use any of my extra points, and still have 3 to spare...

Day 8

Day 8 has been hard. I have all these doubts about my diet and my food choices. I'm afraid I wont do this right. I have been thinking about the one thing I don't like so much about the meeting. It was nice, and it was motivational...but it left me in a place of unknowing. All of these people are losing weight, and I am here with 44 points! Will I lose weight? If I really stick to those 44, but drink almost exclusively crystal light will it still count? I think I am getting better about getting my veggies in, but is that true? I still feel like I have way too many snacks! Its really hard to get 44 points in every day. I am doing it as best I can though. I'm scared to go weigh in on Sunday. Even if I get all of my gym time (Monday, Wednesday, Friday) and walk with the dogs every night, will that matter? I am so ready for this, but I feel so unsure about my actions. All of this doubt! Gah! Its leading me to a scary place. I have been thinking about this all day, and it's exhausting. I said I would just jump in and do this for a year right? I cant expect to get everything right all together at first. I'm so impatient, but the truth is hard. This is going to take time. This is going to have to be a lifestyle. You hear people say that all of the time and its true. Its about losing the weight and getting healthy and maintaining. Forever. Never ever coming back to this dark place.

What I learned in my first week:
1. To buy more vegetables. I need to buy things like bagged baby carrots that I can just reach into the fridge and get out. When I am stressed, or sad or bored, or emotional at all I dont have the patience to clean and cut up something healthy. Not having easily accesable veggies around is setting myself up for failure.
2. It's okay to say no. People wont think less of you because you didnt accept their offer to share a greasy piece of Bo' Jangles fried chicken.

Today:
Breakfast:
2 cups cooked oatmeal w/splenda: 5pts
1 gala apple: 1pts
1/2 cup 2% milk: 2pts
Snack:
1 WW Choc. Ice cream Sandwich: 2pts
Lunch: Turkey sandwich w/o cheese on a low fat/high fiber english muffin: 6pts
2 cups steamed broccoli: 1pts
3 cups spinach w/ pickles, tomato: 0pts
1 serving ranch dressing: 4pts
Snack:
1 pizza bagel low fat: 7pts
1 gala apple: 1pts
Dinner:
1 serving Mexican meatloaf: 3pts
1 serving mac and cheese: 6pts
1 serving mixed veggies: 0pts
Dessert:
1 serving ice cream: 2pts
1 serving 94% fat free popcorn: 1pts
Total for the Day: 41/44pts
Leftover: 3pts

I am done eating! I dont think I could if I tried! I am getting better at the choices though!

Day 7

These two ladies are my main diet support outside of my husband. Molly is the one who you can see completely, and Ashley is the one hiding her pretty face behind all of that hair. Ashley brought us the materials to get started on this diet, and I am so thankful. She also brought me one of the Hungry Girl cookbooks to scope out. This is a picture of them starting their blogs tonight!

I made it to the gym today! I did 15 minutes on the tread mill to warm up, and then I used the lifting machines. I have a membership at the local YMCA, and we all log into a system when we use the weights, so it records everything you lift and any exercise you do electronically. I will try and get a print out tomorrow. After sweating my butt off I did another 15 minutes on the tread mill. The arm curl machine gave me some trouble today. Not because I have trouble doing the lifting, but because there is another machine so close that I have trouble getting to the arm curl machine. I squeezed by today, but it hurt a lot, and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get out for a few minutes there. I must have tried for 2 minutes before I forced myself through. It felt horrible, the gym was busy and there I was struggling, I mean really struggling to get out from behind that machine. I didn't want to call anyone, I didn't want to draw that kind of attention to myself. It's already so hard for me to be there at the gym out in the open there baring my inadequacies to the world. It's a touchy environment for me to say the least. I did get out, and for a moment, just a moment I thought about bolting. Where would that have led though? I'd have let that moment defeat me, and then maybe I'd have let some other moment tonight defeat me. Then maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing this blog post commemorating my 7th day on diet parade! I squeezed myself out of that tight spot, and went to the next machine in the circuit and continued. Another really proud moment. I probably wont always make the brave choice, but I will as much as I can. I can do this, I will do this, and every time I don't let something trivial defeat me, I get one step closer to my goal. Later we also walked the dogs on the track, and I did another 3/4ths of a mile. So my mileage today is 1.75 miles, plus lifting machines!

Today:
Breakfast:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2pts
2 pieces toast w/ 1 tbsp jam: 3pts
1/2 cup skim milk: 1pts
Snacks (all for day to save room):
1 ww yogurt: 1pts
1 100 cal pack choc wafers: 2pts
1 serving q oats rice snacks: 2pts
Lunch:
1 turkey and cheese sandwich: 7pts
1 serving ww soup: 1pts
(after gym) Stir fry: 3pts
Dinner:
1 serving Southwest Baked Ziti: 8pts
Meal?:
1 whole bagel pizza: 8pts
Dessert:
1 cup low fat ice cream: 5pts
Total for the day: 43/44pts!
Leftover: 1 point

I am perfectly okay with that. :)

Day 6

Oh baby, day 6! Tomorrow I will have done this for a whole week! Its strange, I'm having a good time so far. Now, this isn't to say that it has been easy. No no no. There have been moments even in this first week where I have had to talk myself out of quitting, and running to the nearest Golden Corral, or eating the very pointy thing that someone is offering. Its just that every single time I make the right choice I feel so good. In that moment I feel a little regret too, I mean come on people! I am addicted to food. I am having fun eating new things, and learning healthier ways to cook the things I love. I am enjoying learning portion sizes! Who knew!

I went to Weight Watchers today. I got there on time and was weighed. I weigh...417.8! I could be sad about that, but lets face it: I weighed myself over a month ago and weighed the same. I could have gained and then lost, or I could have maintained. Even having maintained is good for me, especially when I dont really know what I weighed last Tuesday when I started this parade down Diet Street.

As far as the actual meeting goes, it was nice. The people there are so genuine and good. I'm not sure how I feel about the meeting leader though. She seems a little rushed, but there were so many of us, and so many questions etc. I want so badly to go every single week, and I want to keep this thing going! I want these meetings and these weigh ins to help hold me accountable for my behavior. I did go to the 50+lbs to lose meeting and I was still noticeably the largest person there. I don't care! Well, I mean, I do...but not enough to stop going. I am going to be there in the program longer than anyone else in that room (assuming everyone stays with the diet the right way). I have to stop being discouraged by the idea that people could look at me. We are all there for the same reason.

I walked last night with the dogs, and I walked tonight with my lab mix at the track. I did 3/4 of a mile. Tomorrow I want to try and do a whole mile. I need to remember to bring water with me, for myself and my dogs. I am hoping to get Chad out one last time to take the rest of the dogs for a walk too.

Points aren't coming easy today. But I have like two more hours before an hour before bedtime (is that confusing?). I want to close my kitchen by 3am every night, an hour before bed.

Today:
Breakfast:
1 English muffin: 3pts
1 serving raspberry jam: 1pts
1/2 slice cheese: .5pts < 1pts
1 serving tabasco: 0pts
1 serving taco soup: 3pts
Lunch:
2 slices low calorie bread: 2pts
1 serving turkey breast lunch meat: 2pts
1 serving mayo: 2pts
1 serving mustard: 1pts
1 slice cheese: 1pts
1 slice tomato: 0pts
Snack:
15 Thin Crisps: 3pts
2 Servings Spinach Dip: 3pts
Dinner:
1 serving sloppy joe: 3pts
1 whole wheat hamburger roll: 2pts
1 serving broccoli: 0pts
snack:
1 bag 94% fat free popcorn: 1pts
Meal?:
1.5 servings of Chicken Pumpkin Risotto: 13pts
1 serving laughing cow cheese: 1pts
1 Serving mustard: 1pts
Snack:
Yoplait low fat yogurt parfait: 2pts
Total for the Day: 44/44pts 1/28 extra points(renews Tuesday)
Leftover: 0pts 27/35 extra points for the week.

I didn't realize the mustard I was using had points! Oops, added them in and it put me over my points by 1. Ah well.

Day 5

Today has been interesting to say the least. I spent most of it at a family baby shower. Now, my family eats. We eat for every single occasion possible. Weddings, funerals, birth, divorce, birthdays, etc. Today there was enough food at this one party for a small army. I got there at 2pm, having not eaten yet (my fault, last minute shower shopping in the morning, had to leave right after). The food was out, people were eating. In the past I would have jumped right in, sampling everything, eating more of what I liked, eating too much of what I liked the most. Today is a new day baby. I took a breath, I looked around. I had 1 plate and I put reasonable things on it. Half servings of a few things, and veggies. I ate it slowly, and I even followed it up with a bottle of water. Yes. I. Did. I was so proud of myself. I didn't run back into the kitchen to soothe my emotions (baby showers are rather hard for me) with finger sandwiches and potato salad! I ate, and enjoyed the company of family I almost never get to see. I did eat again, around 6:30 after the party had died down and most of the non family had left. It was 4 1/2 hours later, which is reasonable for my schedule, and I did not touch the food until I was hungry. Today, for this, I am incredibly proud of myself. I didn't even have a slice of the very pretty cake, or any of the sweets at all.

I'm worried about the points though. I came home and tried my best with the help of calorieking.com to figure out the point information for everything I ate at the party. I came up with 21 points total for both plates of food. This could be too much, it could be not enough. I am going to try to move on and not think about it beyond the fact that I counted as honestly as I could. Even if the points are wrong the day is a personal triumph for me!

I'm still having a bit of a time with depression, but I'm working on working through it. I'm recognizing it for the enemy that it is, and trying to not let it effect my progress. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am trying to learn how to keep my emotions separate from food. I'm trying to divide them and erase the habit of turning to food for mind numbing comfort. That's really hard to do.

Tomorrow morning at 9am will be my first WeightWatchers meeting!

Today:
Total Baby Shower points: 21pts
1 bubble tea: 5pts
Stir Fry w/noodles: 9.5pts
1 slice low calorie bread: 1pts
1 cup fake: 4pts
1.5 servings horse radish cheddar: 1.5pts
1 kozy shack simply well dark chocolate pudding: 1.5pts
Total for the Day: 43.5/44 points
Left: .5

I did eat as much as I could. Point 5 isn't bad eh?

Day 4

Years ago when my husband Chad and I were dating very seriously at an age when we should have been dealing with high school drama, we decided to take a bubble bath together. That's what boyfriends and girlfriends do right? He was excited, I was...nervous. I undressed and got in first, then he got (his skinny butt) in and sat down. That's about all that we could do. I did manage to wash his back, and we stuck it out as long as we could until he said: "I don't think that this is going to work." Now I know that he didn't mean: "God, you are so fat that we cant be in the same tub." He just meant it wasn't working. I laughed as he got out, and he told me tonight that he always assumed I was laughing at his naked butt or something. I was actually laughing because I was so nervous I was afraid I was going to cry very, very hard. I didn't want him to see that I felt so weak, and hideous because I was afraid that if he saw that I felt that way, he would begin to believe it, or realize he'd known it all along. Today, I know that I'm not a monster, in fact sometimes I think I might be pretty. And that same boy, that skinny wonderful boy who was excited to see me naked all those years ago, still wants to see me naked. Tonight he and I went to the movies, after a long day for me. I did go picking berries in the rain with friends, HOURS before I am usually awake in the morning, and I spent the day with a friend doing laundry and helping her out, I felt tired by 7pm today, when bedtime is 4am. After the movie he and I were talking about all of this stuff in the car, and I realized what I want for our 2nd anniversary. I want to stay one night in a place with bathtubs big enough for us to take a (bubble) bath together in. Now, my anniversary is October 17th, and who knows what we will find by then. But maybe, just maybe by October 17th I'll be well (solidly) on my way to being able to take a bath with my wonderful skinny boy in my own bathtub!

Today the points seemed easier to me. I am noticing that I am getting hungry more often. Not horribly painful hungry, but small pangs. I can deal with those. They make me feel like I am doing something right. When I go to my meeting on Sunday I am going to ask if this is okay. I am consuming all of my points. I even used some of my extra points today on a serving of pumpkin risotto after the movie. I felt uneasy when we got home from the movie. I felt like I was in serious danger of binging for the first time since starting Weight Watchers...so I used 7 extra points. I cant always be perfect, but I can cope, and create strategy, and I can learn from myself. I still don't know how strong I am, but I want this. I want this, I want this, I want this.

Today:

Snack:
1 serving cheddar popcorn: 3pts
Breakfast (or first meal)
2 servings taco soup: 7pts
1 slice cheese: 1pts
snack:
1 cup fake: 4pts
Lunch:
1 serving stir fry: 6pts
2 servings raw bell pepper sliced: 1pts
1 serving dip: 1pts
snack:
1 cup fake: 4pts
Misc:
tasting Alex's pie: 4pts (not sure what two bites would be)
Dinner:
1 pizza turnover: 4pts
snack at theatre:
popcorn: 7pts
Extra:
Chicken and pumpkin risotto: 9pts
Total for the day: 44/44 and 7/35(extra weekly points)
None left over.

I feel like I ate all day! Also, tell me why I feel so damned guilty about those extra 7 points?

Day 3

Oh this is going to be short because I have to get up early tomorrow and pick berries with a friend before meeting another friend so she can do laundry. Tired I will be. Yoda? Anyway, today wasn't so bad. I have been dealing with a little depression lately, and I have been trying SO hard to not let that get in the way of my progress. I need this more than I have ever needed anything in my whole life. I want to sit in my bathtub with room to spare. I want to get out of bed in the morning without cringing or crying. I want a normal period without the use of birth control. I WANT BABIES. I want to wear something sexy for my husband, or even more, I want to feel sexy in something for my husband. I want to ride a bike with him. I want to not feel anxiety over every single picture taken of me. I want to stop worrying about if I embarrass him. God. I don't want to doubt my self worth because of my weight anymore. I know that no matter what happens in my life, this will be the hardest thing I ever do, and sitting here right now I have to be honest: I don't know if I can. I don't know if I am strong enough. I have so many failures in the back of my mind calling me out. I know that I damn well want it bad enough. I'm tired of wanting to be beautiful. I'm ready now.

I managed to get all of my points in today. I am keeping a food journal (for myself and my husband), and I've been noticing trends. I snack a lot to get my points up. Not huge, or bad snacks, reasonable and allowed ones, just mostly processed. When I go grocery shopping next week I am going to try and plan out some snacks I can have that aren't processed and maybe allow me to up my veggie intake.

Today I ate:

Breakfast:
1 serving taco soup: 3 pts
1 orange: 1 pts
Snack:
1 regular yogurt: 5 pts
Lunch:
1 serving spinach: 0 pts
2 slices cheese: 2 pts
2 servings 1pts dressing: 3pts
1 serving tortilla strips: 1 pts
1 large bagel: 5 pts
2 servings jam: 3 pts
Snack:
2 servings rice cakes: 5 pts
Dinner:
Chicken and Pumpkin Risotto: 9 pts
1 serving mustard: 0 pts
Snack:
1 Serving pumpkin custard (low fat): 5 pts
Snack:
1 pack baked chocolate wafers: 2 pts
Total for the day: 44/44 points!
Leftover: 0!

I am getting better at this, just need to up the veggies and cut down on some of the processed stuff...and get to the gym on Monday!

Day 2

Today has been really hard for me. I am having a really hard time getting all 44 points in. I(t might be a lot less of a problem tomorrow with a better meal plan and no real place to go. Today I got up and got ready to go grocery shopping and run some errands, and my room mate was making some zero point vegetable soup, so I had half the can. Well, I had like 4 bites of half the can because it was gross, and I wasn't feeling hungry and I was distracted by the chores at hand...so I didn't eat again until 6 or 7 hours later. At 10pm tonight I still had well over 30 points to spend, and dinner was only 5 points! I was feeling pressed to get the points in (everyone I talk to says you have to eat all of your points) and I feel like I binged! I still have 16 points left, and I am only up for another 3 1/2 hours.

So today has been bad, but not in a very usual way. Usually I'm here making excuses for myself or talking about how much bad crap I've eaten all day, and how I'll start over tomorrow...I don't need to do that today. I need to eat more. It's weird even typing that.

I have decided to go to actual meetings starting Sunday morning at 9AM! Normally I don't get up this early but I want to do this meeting in particular because its the 50+lbs to lose meeting. I know they have meetings that have higher weight loss minimums, but not around here that I can find (yet). I have to lose 50 pounds 5 times! ICK. I don't want to let that get me down. I just want to go two years and see where it lands me. With propper planning of course. :)

Oh and I realized that 1/2 cup uncooked spaghetti is actually 1 cup cooked!

Today:
1/2 can veg soup: 0 pts
1 Smart Ones Frozen Entree (Chicken Teryake w/veggies and rice): 4 pts
1 WW white chocolate raspberry yogurt: 1 pt
1 cup spaghetti w/1/2 cup sauce: 5 pts
1/2 chic fila wrap w/ 1 serving ranch dressing: 8 pts
1 serving baked chicken w/veggies: 5 pts
1 full fat yogurt: 5 pts
2 servings 2pt ice cream: 5 pts
2servings OJ: 5 pts
1 WW ice cream bar: 2 pts
Total for the day: 40/44 points
Leftover: 4


I will be formating the food list into meals and snacks tomorrow, and probably editing this to include something else tonight before I go to bed. Maybe 5pts worth of ice cream, or ANYTHING that gets me closer to 44! I havent spent *any* of my extra. Hopefully going to some meetings will help me with strategy.

Until tomorrow then.

EDIT: I did add in some more snacks, but at 40 points I am done. I know I still have 4 more, but I am totally not hungry and feel like I have been binging, even though I haven't. I don't want my metabolism to crash and I'm not looking to starve myself. I'm looking to reevaluate and do better tomorrow. :) Wish me luck!

Day 1

This is what a single cup of spaghetti with a half a cup of sauce and 5 meatballs looks like!

For real!

It took me almost a month to get here. I had a few hurdles to overcome. I've been in some severe back pain recently (now leg pain, it feels like the sciatic nerve) which has been eating away at my sleep, and our lives were pretty hectic, still are. I'm so excited right now. I always am when I first get started, and this time is worse. My WHOLE house is doing Weight Watchers. We cant afford the meetings yet, but a friend gave us all of the tools needed to get started including the points counters and books. My points added up to 48, but the book said if it was higher than 44 to keep it to 44, so 44 points for me! Its harder than it looks folks! Serving sizes have always been an issue for me, as well as eating when I have nothing better to do.

Today I ate at a sushi buffet. It was a grief meal. We had just put our dog Rev to sleep this morning (he had bone cancer and an infection and couldn't walk anymore...it was time.), and I had forgotten that we were starting today, so before I remembered I had eaten 17 points! Probably less actually, but I am over estimating to be safe. Later in the evening Nadine brought me home a chai bubble tea worth 5 more points, and for dinner I had spaghetti and meatballs worth a total of 15 points. I still have 7 points left! Not bad for a first day and screwing up right? Later, after Chad gets a little more downtime in he and I are going to take a walk. Despite how bad my leg feels right now I want to move (I told y0u...excited).

I need to work on my water intake (3 x 12oz glasses today) and lowering my diet soda intake, and I need to remember to take my vitamin everyday (and to have Chad take his). I also need to work on eating better through out the day. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner! Not two meals! 3!

Today:
Sushi Buffet mishap: 17pts
Chai Bubble Tea: 5pts
1 cup cooked Spaghetti: 8pts
1/2 cup Sauce: 1pts
6 Meatballs: 6pts
no sugar added Rice pudding: 1pts
Total for the day: 38/44pts
Left: 6pts

Oh God, please carry me through this, I will try as hard as I can, but get me through when I'm weak. Please.