Day 204

I'm sorry! I forgot to say one thing about myself that I like for the challenge! I can sing. I'm not sure how well, though people tell me I should go out for American Idol. I feel strange even saying that I could. There are no fat Idols however... I feel really relaxed when I'm singing and sometimes I use it as a stress relief. I hope this doesn't sound weird, but it also makes me feel more connected to...everything. I have always wanted to do something with my voice, but I've never had the confidence, mostly due to this weight. Who knows? Maybe I'll finally do something productive with it in a year or so...if weight loss can happen so can anything else.

Today was a good day, my food was good. I went to lunch with friends and still managed to get in my veggies for the day I wasn't very active though. I am going to take a long leisurely walk with my husband before I go to bed though in order to get a little purposeful (not just cleaning house and chasing a puppy) activity in.

Sorry this post is going to be so short! Chad is really tired, and we both still have too many points left. I'm going to try and get offline before too long so I can spend some time with him.

Sushi: 16
2 cups steamed broccoli: 0
1 serving full fat cheese: 4
2 tbsp ff honey mustard: 1
1 apple: 1
1 serving beef stew (3 servings veggies): 4
1 cup tea with ff cream: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
32/41

Day 203

Today was great! I ate well, went to the gym and I am finding time to blog before 4am!

At the gym all of the elliptical were taken for the first half of my cardio so I jumped back on the trusty treadmill. Then for my weight circuit I totally stepped it up (it kicked my butt). I did 3 and 4 sets on each machine (not the pull down lat, that one is evil.). I took my time and I didn't rush. Then I found an open elliptical and did 15 minutes. I'm not really sure what standard is, or even if I can be held to what is normal in any case. I upped my resistance to 30 today, and I try to keep my strides per minute at 70 or more. Every few minutes I get my steps up a lot higher (I always forget to look at the display on the machine when I am working that hard) and then bring it back down to 70 again. 70 is actually quite challenging and I find that sometimes because I am so heavy I will start to go faster than I really want to which wipes me out...which is why I upped the resistance. I almost can not tell that I upped it at all, so maybe tomorrow I will up it a little more.

I have 6 servings of fruits and veggies today so far, and I am going to eat some more fruit to get those last 3 in for the day.

Spring Challenge Check in!

My goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

1. I was great Monday - Thursday and then on Sunday I was quite active. Friday and Saturday I fell down on the challenge!
2. Again, same as above. Actually I have to say that it is really hard to get 9 servings of fruits and veggies every day. Or rather to remember to. Its a little easier when you realize that a serving is generally 1/2 a cup.
3. I went to the meeting, even though I was afraid!
4. Totally checking in right now!
5. 12 weeks from now...

So, iffy week, but another great start! All of the comments were right on, it isn't about the fall, its totally about the rebound.

Today:
1 serving cheerios: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 100 cal pack: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving mayo: 1
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving dorito off brands: 5
1 serving buffalo chicken mac and cheese (before you gasp at the points it includes chicken, veggies and mac and cheese, so a well rounded meal in a casserole! I love it): 13
35/41

Day 201, 202

I actually wrote most of this post last night but couldn't get it to post because my internet went down.

This morning I did go to weigh in to face the music even though I knew I was going to gain weight. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I debated over and over in my head about missing it and making it up next week. Then I thought about this blog, and my anchor here. I knew I needed to go, I knew it would be good for me even if it was painful. It wasn't painful. I did gain. .4 lbs. I deserve it. I felt a lot better about my day and even my week after making it to the meeting though. My husband said he was proud of me and that it showed determination and commitment. The week started really well, I was exercising every day and eating the way I should have been right up until Thursday night... That brings me back to honestly. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of who I am. I'm also going to be honest about my mistakes even when I'm kind of embarrassed by them.

The post from last night:
Retta asked if my Thursday night activities were worth it. This question doesn't upset me or anything, but it does make me think. I don't really drink, and I never have. My vice has always been food. I can count less than 5 times in my life that I have ever even been tipsy. I've never been very adventurous that way, I like being in control. However, every now and then I do feel the urge to cut loose. I had a great time. I'm normally the designated driver ushering all of those happy drunken friends of mine out of the bar after last call. Yeah, I over imbibed, and while I don't regret it (or the experience as, it was a new one for me) I probably wont be doing it again soon. I usually have just as much fun at karaoke with my diet pepsi, and no hangover the next day. It also threw my week off (and I was having a great one) as I needed to be babied food wise because of my stomach. I don't know if this is rough to read for any of you, and if it is I'm sorry. I'm not embarrassed about being drunk (there, I said it), I am embarrassed that I messed my perfect week up. On the whole in my life are nights like these worth it? Yes, absolutely. In the course of this journey that means so much to me is it worth it to lose 3 days to it? Not really. Does this make sense or just sound unfocused. I think in a nut shell what I mean to say is that I don't regret it, I had a great time, but I wont be doing it again for a long time.

Tomorrow is Sunday, and my weigh in, and while the beginning of my week was stellar, it had a rocky ending. We live and we learn. I'm still in it to win it here.

Saturday:
1 orange: 1
Sushi (not a buffet, guessing (overestimating)the points values using WW): 16
4 oz chicken breast (lightly breaded in panko): 7
4 servings steamed broccoli: 0
2 servings mashed potatoes: 6
1 coffee: 6
37/41

Today:
1 orange: 1
1 serving cheerios: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 7
1 small chili: 4
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 serving strawberries: 0
1 yogurt: 2
2 servings green peas: 2
1 serving chinese pineapple chicken: 6
1 serving brown rice: 4
2nd serving pineapple chicken w/out rice: 7
40/41

So it all comes back down to choices now right? My choice is going to be to move on, and have a really strong week this week, and make an amazing showing on Sunday. Those sound a lot like goals huh? Weight Watchers just passed out the materials for their Walk-It Challenge which includes a plan/ training guide to get you walking a 5k (Only 3.1 miles.). I'm going to start that this week. Don't worry its gentle. It starts with 10-15 minutes a day. I'm looking forward to keeping up with my Spring Challenge (Check in tomorrow) and walking more!

Day 199, 200

Thursday was great! I went to the gym, did 35 minutes on the elliptical and my weight circuit. My food was good if a little low on the points end. Then we went to karaoke and for once I was not driving. So I decided to have a few drinks, and low and behold this morning was not so great. I felt like a ton of bricks. The husband and I are taking it easy, we aren't over eating, but for today I did not track. This makes me nervous because I haven't not tracked since September.

I was feeling ill today, so I did not make it to the track as planned but I should get out there tomorrow night. I now have a standing date with the girls to hit the track most nights of the week.

So as hard as this is, no food log tonight. Back tomorrow with everything as planned.

Day 198

Today was both good and bad. I had a long day and I was out of the house for most of it. By the evening my back was so bad that shifting weight from foot to foot was unbearable. Yesterday I looked up some exercise/stretches for relief of sciatic pain (which is what I believe this is), and they help for a short time. The first time this ever happened to me it put me off my feet for over a week, I'm really hoping that this time it isn't so bad. Exercise doesn't seem to hurt it though which I am thankful for. I missed the gym tonight due to time constraints but made it to the local track with the girls. I also have a lot of naproxen left over (I am not a big pill taker) from that migraine I had, and that helped me some today and I read that an ice pack might also help, so I'm going to try that tonight (Frozen peas to the rescue!). Now there is something I am looking forward to: less aches and pains. I'm not saying that sciatic pain is just going to go away, but I'm sure that not weighing over 300lbs is going to help! I'm so tired of feeling sore! And before you ask, I have a physical scheduled in June!

My food is weird today also because of time, but I still managed to get in all of my veggies!

Short post tonight as I'd like to hang out with the hubby for a bit before bed. Good night!

Today:
1 ww muffin: 3
1 chicken sandwich: 6
1 cup cut up fruit: 2
bbq sauce: 1
handfull of peanuts: 1
1 small baked potato: 2
1 cup quick home made chili: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
2nd serving (each serving with 2 servs veg): 5
ranch dressing: 2
1 serving shepherds pie: 6
2nd serving (hours later, no extra pt): 6
honey mustard: 1
1 serving home made ww choc rasp torte: 4
1 serving cheetos (Yep, I did it. I shouldn't have, but I did.): 5
41/41 + 9/35

I used some extra points tonight! I do not know why but that always makes me feel guilty! That's really rather counter intuitive eh? I'm glad I can see that now. I have been much more active so far this week with the gym on Monday, big chores and walking on Tuesday, and the track tonight. A few extra points is probably good for me!

My mom is now eating WW with me because I do all of the cooking and make her lunches etc. She has lost over 100lbs with exercise. Her diet was bad, she wasn't eating enough and was relying way too heavily on supplements. When she first started WW with me she told me she knew she was eating too much and that she was only going to give it two weeks because she was afraid she was going to gain weight. Now, she has been sitting at the same weight for months trying to get it off. This woman works out hard, I mean soaking wet and still going! She should have been losing weight right? Nope. One week of Weight Watchers? She lost 5 lbs. Lesson: Do not starve yourself, eat right and make smart choices! Don't eat Cheetos. If you do though, write it down and let it go!

Day 197

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in." - Leonard Cohen

Normally I don't post quotes. It isn't that I don't mind them, but that I don't really find many that strike some internal chord with me. I read this one today in an article in Woman's Day that had nothing to do with weight loss, and I thought, "Wow, that was really sort of profound." I don't really know about the rest of the song, but those 4 lines are of an inspiring sort. I don't know if I am articulate enough to express how I feel (Oh the English major in me!) but I'm willing to try.

Ring the bells that can still ring
Do what you can with what you've got. Kayla over at Big girl No More wrote that she feared that she had already done permanent or lasting damage to her knees by being over weight for so long. She was discouraged and afraid. I feel the same way when I feel my back acting up, or my ankles. Or if my heart beats just a little strangely (to me, I'm a worrier, not a doctor). I am suddenly afraid that I wont have time to finish this journey or at least get to the part where I get to be free. We keep going though. When my back hurts, I do stretches, or I adapt my strength workout to lay off of my back. When my ankle hurts I push through it, and if I honestly cant? I adapt. I use what I can to get what I need to do done. Ringing that bell.

Forget your perfect offering
Do your best. Years ago while trying to lose weight if I made one tiny mistake, took a small misstep or had a less than perfect day in any way I would quit. I would just give up because I wasn't perfect. I felt like I needed to be perfect, and I was ashamed of making mistakes. Like a less than perfect day was a failure. It isn't, and it doesn't need to be! This still gets to me. Sometimes I still feel shame when I cant accomplish a perfect week, and get to the gym or eat only my daily points each and every day. Forget that stuff. Not being perfect is part of being human and I have never in all my life met someone that really and truly has a perfect journey. It just doesn't happen. I could be wrong, and if I am, kudos to those that have a will of steel. I feel like I am going through this thing learning what I need to in order to be healthy for life, not just until I weigh 160lbs. I cant make a perfect offering, my honest offering is enough.

There is a crack in everything
More on mistakes? Sort of. I'm not one of those sort of people who believes that human beings are all broken, but I think I was. I spent my entire life over eating to compensate for my feelings. As a child food was a fun thing, and then suddenly it wasn't. Food became something akin to confrontation for me. So often at meals (of all times) I was asked when I was going to lose some weight, or someone would ask my mom when she was going to put me on a diet. I was fat, I was always fat, but I was never truly obese until I realized that it wasn't okay to be fat. I don't think I ever hid food, or my eating habits or binged for real until I realized the those around me thought that I shouldn't be eating, which is kind of unfair to a 10 year old. I suddenly became hyper aware of everyone around me, and I felt like a constant target, whether I was or not. I did not want people to see me eating, even at a normal meal. So I started to hide. Maybe broken is a bad word, perhaps it is more accurate to say that I was given a complex. I built this fortress that I have been trapped in for so long, I haphazardly placed the bricks until I blocked out the sun. Over time the fortress started to decay, and develop cracks. The whole thing threatened to cave in on me, to kill me.

That's how the light gets in.
This is highly accurate for me. When I realized that I had those cracks I began to look for other people with the same problem. I found you guys. I've been around people trying to lose weight for a long time, but I've never seen so many people who are succeeding, struggling and putting themselves out there so honestly and without expectation. It took me a while to gather my courage, it was almost 2 months between my Day 0 and my Day 1, but I decided that it was now or never, those cracks were becoming deadly, and I didn't want to die. I'm finally getting somewhere, and making it toward my goals, short and long term. I have never felt this way before. I do not think that I would be the person I am today without having weighed 417.8lbs, I have a unique perspective on the world. I used my weight and food as a crutch, but I am ready to let it go. I don't need it anymore. So, the light had come in.

I'm not particularly good at this. Sometimes it is so hard to say things that it takes me weeks to get them out. I'm also not particularly good at weight loss, I am making it work, and I am making it happen, but I make mistakes. I take liberties and days off, and skip the gym and sometimes I use my extra points (Gasp!). I take everything one day at a time. I took the whole of my past, and all of my courage and I looked in the mirror and I made the choice that needed to be made. It must have been the right time to look in that mirror because never before have I ever felt that choice made so strongly with all of me in acceptance. I don't feel the need to rebel against the road I am on. I feel content, because for once, I am whole.

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 ww muffin: 3
1 serving buffalo chicken casserole: 8
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving cheese: 2
1 triple berry smoothie: 4
2 tbsp fat free cool whip: 1
2 serving cereal: 5
1 cup skim milk: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
41/41

Day 196

I am supposed to check in every Monday, but this is just day 1 of the challenge for me! It has however gotten off to a great start. I am at 10 servings of fruits and vegetables, and I had one of the best workouts I have had in months.

Today I went to the gym thinking that I would kick the challenge off a little easier than I would have usually. I wanted to just do an hour at the gym today instead of my normal 2 hours. I haven't been in a while, and I didn't want to over do it. I was going to do 30 (15-circuit-15) minutes on the treadmill and then my strength circuit. I got on the treadmill and started at 2.8mph which is a touch higher than usual, after a few minutes I got it up to 3.0 and managed to walk without holding on to anything! That felt pretty incredible and so when I got to 15 minutes I was so close to a mile that I kept going. After 21 minutes on the treadmill I was walking toward the weight machines when I saw an open elliptical machine next to my mom. I decided to try it. I don't know why I suddenly wanted to, but there I was arranging my feet on the paddles and trying to figure out the digital controls. It took me a minute but I figured it out. At first it felt weird and wasn't going very smoothly. It felt jerky. The moment that I figured it out and started moving smoothly and without fear of falling off I said "Ohh!" Then it took me 5 minutes to figure out that I didn't need to move so fast, which was killing me! It was so easy, but I was dripping with sweat and breathing so hard. So I stopped and took a second and restarted, going slower, but still moving pretty good. In total I ended up doing a full 30 minutes on the elliptical and let me just tell you, I do not think I have ever sweated that way at the gym before. My hair was soaked and my face was red. 30 minutes there was worth more than an hour on the treadmill! It was hard work. I think that I might change my workout around a bit to get that elliptical in whenever I go because I think it will make a big difference. I don't think that I can do a full hour on it yet, and perhaps I can't do that and the treadmill in the same 1 to 2 hours at the gym. But I could definitely do 30 minutes whenever I go though. It really was one of the best work outs I have had in months, and with my circuit added it would be challenging and engaging, which is something I have been missing in my work outs.

So day 1 of the challenge rocked! What did not rock was that my car, while parked legally outside my house was crashed into by a police officer. We know because they left an accident report on the windshield. Its crazy because I live on a side street, like 20 feet from a police station. They hit my 1990 Ford Taurus (Tank) so hard that they annihilated the drivers side headlight and peeled the steel on the side of the car back over the wheel well. How fast do you need to be going on a side street to do that kind of damage to someones really old, really heavy tank of a car? I'm not angry, because it wasn't a hit and run and I'm sure it wasn't on purpose, but we have enough issues to deal with don't you think?

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 banana: 2
1 serving cheesy tuna mac: 7
2 cups stir fried veggies: 2
2 tbsp szechuan sauce: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 cookie: 1
1 serving meatloaf pizza pie: 9
1 serving peas: 1
2 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 oz cheese: 2
ADDED:
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 bag popcorn: 5
40/41

I'm psyched that I am already finished with my quota for veggies and fruit. I think I am going to have some ice cream and watch tv for a while.

Day 195

I made the meeting today! No waiting: I lost exactly 1 pound. This makes my current weight 340.4, and my total loss 77.4 lbs. I will take it! Especially considering the few weeks I have had lately. I have been lucky, honestly because I haven't been on the ball. Yeah I have had a bad run, a killer week long migraine and moving, and the monthly from way down below, but how long am I going to let these things get in my way?

Yeah I'm not going to hurt myself over what I couldn't do, and I don't feel like these things weren't valid. I'm just trying not to let a bad run turn into hurricane season for diet parade. I won't lie, I wont be perfect, ever. That's part of the beauty of the journey! I have learned enough from all of the previous times I have tried to lose weight to find the one thing that I believe makes the difference and keeps me here, doing this, when all I think I want to do is fail for reliefs sake! I don't want to fail. Every single pound I lose brings me closer to being under 300lbs which is something I haven't been since before I was 16. Every step brings me closer to the things I want, and finally feel like I deserve! I cant give this up! I've come further than I ever have before! What is that one thing I have learned that I never realized in all of those previous tries? To keep going. I have learned that if I screw up, which is in fact a matter of a time and just life, that I don't have to start over, or quit, or binge out of frantic guilt. I am learning to let go of the guilt and keep moving. Has anyone else ever heard of the Isty Bitsy Spider? Sometimes that's what this feels like. I'm going to make it, I'm going to beat this weight, and defeat my inner demons. I'm at war with myself, and I intend to live.

Spring Challenge!

Loretta posted a Spring Challenge and I think I am going to do it with her. I'm starting tomorrow so I'm coming 2 days late, but I feel like its a positive step in the right direction. There is a prize, but I feel like I'll be giving a gift to myself just by finishing the challenge. It is 13 weeks long so I will be starting on March 22 and finishing on June 23.

I need to pick 5 of my own goals and try to stick to them (and maybe even turn them into habits) for 13 weeks.

My super hero goal is to exercise 5 days a week, for 13 weeks. It doesn't all have to be the gym, but I expect an hour a day in any combination of time (at least 15 minutes at a go).

I will eat my 9 servings of fruits and vegetables per day money and groceries permitting (I have to give slack for when I don't have supplies!).

I will make every single weekly Weight Watchers meeting between now, and then. I don't know if there will be one on Easter though, and I will be on vacation out of town on Sunday the 6th. So in 13 weeks I should be able to make 11 meetings which is a nice change from my twice a month right now!

I will check in every Monday, since I am starting on Monday.

At the end of 13 weeks, I am going to buy myself that bike, and start riding with my husband on the weekends.

So in short my goals are:
1. Exercise 1 hour a day 5 days a week for 13 weeks.
2. Eat the WW recommended servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
3. Go to as many WW meetings as I possibly can.
4. Check in on Mondays.
5. Get a bike. Finally.

Anyone who wants to do this challenge is welcome! Check in with Loretta!

Today:
half bbq chick salad: 5
1 cup broccoli cheddar soup: 4
2 cookies: 2
1 subway sub: 13
1 serving baked lays: 3
1 serving cereal: 2
1 serving skim milk: 1
1 serving cheesy tuna mac: 9
1/3 molten cake shared with husband as a treat (my brother is a cook at Chilis): 9
41/41 + 7/33

Food will be much better tomorrow!

Day 194

So being that tomorrow is grocery day as well as weigh in day, I had a question for you all: What does your weekly meal plan look like? This assumes you plan at all! I have people relying on me to cook every night so I have to in order to keep us from take out or blowing our diets! Grocery day is Sunday, and I usually plan out my dinners and then I buy general things for breakfast and lunch, eggs, turkey bacon, lunch meat, cereal, soup etc. This week my menu looks like:

1. tuna mac and cheese (has veg in it)
2. meatloaf pizza pie with steamed broccoli
3. shepherds pie w green beans
4. orange chicken with rice and sugar snap peas
5. chinese pineapple chicken w rice and asparagus
6. beef stew

These are all home made and all WW recipes or recipes that I have made low point value. My issue is that I am completely lost on veggies here. I add veggies to almost everything, but some things need them on the side. Does anyone else get tired of steamed vegetables? I don't know. Its just my go to side dish these days. I also sometimes stock frozen veggies for quick light lunches, I'm easy when I'm just cooking for myself. I love vegetables as they are, I love them steamed and I love them roasted I'm just worried that they dont get the fan fare that they deserve at my unappreciative hand.

Tomorrow is weigh in and this past week has been terrible. I've made a few bad choices and of course it was also my time of the month, which keeps me from doing...well anything. Even my back up plan for that failed miserably! My eating wasn't too bad though, I stuck to my points veering into my weekly points a little, which is what they are for. I'm babysitting tonight but I am going to bed as soon as the little ones are taken home as I (again) do not want to miss my weigh in! Wish me luck!

Today:
2 servings pasta with sauce: 11
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 6
w honey mustard: 1
1 large cup of fruit: 3
last of (less than 1 serving) pasta: 3
1 cup pasta sauce (1 point for extra serving, can you tell tomorrow is grocery day?): 3
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving cauliflower: 0
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving light ranch: 2
31

That's all for the evening. I know I'm off, but I'm trying to follow my own rules! Also, I'm not off by much that often.

Day 193

One line of TMI: I just took an active pill! The week of bad will in fact end!

Today was a little busy and a little sad. It was busy because I had so many errands to run, and it was sad because I decided to back out of a regular social appointment that I had been looking forward to. It isn't karaoke! No, but it was on Sundays at 4pm which is just bad timing for me. Sundays are weigh in days, and grocery shopping days for me. In fact most of the time I'm not even finished with grocery shopping until well after 4pm, and I am always overtired that day because I get up so much earlier than usual. We would be playing an ongoing game, which people needing to miss sessions for would be rather irritating and I don't want to be that person! I'm trying to lower my stress levels right? So I'm giving up this outing for quiet evenings home with my husband which I don't get enough of anyway. I was seriously giving myself another case of hives over disappointing people on this one, which was when I knew I needed to make this choice. So maybe not sad, bittersweet perhaps? I don't see my friends enough.

On the plus side though now that the week of bad is actually ending I feel really excited about getting back to exercising. Now that the weather is breaking some I could even go back to the track instead of doing all of my cardio on the treadmill! Being outside is much more interesting, but the workout is harder. I really need to get back to the grind! When I think about it I get this feeling like my body craves it. How nuts is that? A year ago I'd have said my body feared exercise!

Today:
1 cup cereal: 2
1/2 milk: 1
1/6 bubble up pizza casserole: 10
1 can soup: 7
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving cheese: 2
1 pudding cup: 1
1 serving spaghetti: 3
1 serving sauce: 1
1 100 calorie pretzel pack: 2
2nd serving pasta with sauce: 5
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
37

I made an amazing (tasty and low point) pasta sauce (Cheat not exactly from scratch!! Semi homemade?) using:

1lb 93/7 ground turkey
2 cans Hunts (or other 1 point per 1/2 cup sauce)
1lb frozen pepper strips
1 cup canned drained mushrooms
30 oz canned diced tomatoes
1 large onion sliced thinly
Minced garlic
Any spices you love, I used salt, pepper, and red pepper as the pasta sauce already has seasoning in it.

Brown the turkey and onions together, add everything else and let it simmer for an hour or more.

My batch made 19 servings at 1/2 cup and 1 point a piece. Nice. Now I have a low point chunky tomato sauce for anything else I make next week!

Day 192

Yesterday was karaoke and sadly I do not have any videos for you! It was a very low key night as not a lot of people were there. This is going to be short as I would like to have something to say later on tonight!

We took a friend to the airport yesterday morning, well before we would normally have gotten up. Afterward we were both hungry at a time we wouldn't normally be and instead of doing the smart thing and going home to go back to bed, we decided to have breakfast out together. We went to Qdoba and got a breakfast burrito. These things are pretty straight forward: tortilla, egg, potato, meat, cheese, salsa, but as I learned later, high in points values. At first I was disappointed that I had spent so many points on one thing, but after thinking about it, I'm glad I went. I got to have a cheap, tasty breakfast alone with my husband and even though it was so pointy it was on karaoke night when I am notorious for having too many points left over at 2am.

Today:
1 breakfast burrito: 22 (Yeah.)
1 barbie cup: 6
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 2
1/2 cup broccoli: 0
1 sex on the beach: 4 (according to WW online)
1 serving white chicken chili: 7
1 yogurt: 2
41/41 + 2/35

Day 191

So this was me back in October of last year, just one month into dieting. I don't really have a picture of myself right now in the same clothes because I didn't think of it, and I was a little busy today. So you get a picture of me mid cleaning my house in one of my gym shirts and a paid of size 26 jeans (that I love). I cant the pictures where I want them so the 1st column of pictures are the most recent ones. Please ignore my picture hogging pets! I love them!

It has been so hard for me to see the loss so far, and looking at these pictures now I cant see it either (it could be the scale) but today when I put these jeans on and looked into the mirror in the living room I thought "My GOD I look different." It is so subtle. Its like someone changed the lighting in the room over night and suddenly WHAM the carpet is green. The gray shirt I am wearing is also a nice tell tale sign for me. I don't have the pictures to prove it but when I first bought it over a year ago I had to stretch it out before I could wear it. Now, it feels comfortable and not constricting. I feel like I'm falling in love with myself, which feels strange and narcissistic. And someone please tell me what part of being fat makes you feel guilty about liking something about yourself! If I feel like I look good I feel bad about it, or that I should somehow not show that I feel good about myself. Maybe it's because I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of appreciating my own self image and I'm afraid someone or something will knock me off my feet, and well if that's the case isn't it safer to sit at the bottom? NO! I think I will probably be knocked off of my feet several times before this is over and I do not think I would ever give back one second of feeling good about myself. That feeling, even just for fleeting instants is something I have been craving for my entire life. It's more than physical. It's a whole feeling. I look good on the outside because I am finally taking care of the inside. I'm pretty sure that something like that is worth fighting for.

In other news, I am waiting, with baited breath for this week to be over so that I can get back to normalcy...and wear clothes I'm not afraid of destroying.

Today:
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 2
1 barbie cup: 6
1/2 cup steamed broccoli: 0
1 banana: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/3 serving lunch meat: 1
1/2 serving cheese: 1
1 serving light mayo: 1
1 serving mustard: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1/6 of bubble up pizza casserole: 10
1 serving french fries (baked): 2
1 tbsp ranch: 1
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup milk: 1
1/3 of a slice of dinner (struggling for a satisfying idea): 3
1 pudding cup: 1
41/41

Eating is currently the enemy as it makes me need to use the bathroom, and using the bathroom is..unpleasant. /TMI

Day 190

So you already got one post out of me today! Really I don't have too much to report. The diet is going really well today, I feel like I'm somehow better balanced with my food. Since I seem to be having cravings to eat later at night right now, I saved a little more of my points for the evening. I'm still sticking to my guns about not eating after 2am though.

I should have a recipe for you guys on Monday for a Chocolate Strawberry Torte. I tried it today and didn't get a picture. It was prettier in slices than it was as a whole, but it tasted pretty good.

I'm sorry that I'm so boring today, but you know, boring is usually happy.

Today:
1/2 cup rice: 2
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 serving chicken curry: 7
1 med light latte: 4
1 arnolds sand: 1
1 serving chicken salad: 3
1 serving pickles: 0
1 100 cal pack pretzels: 2
1 barbie cup: 6
1/2 cup mashed potato: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 slice homemade ww friendly chocolate strawberry torte: 4
32/41

Day 189

I am so sorry for not updating yesterday! I feel like straight up sludge right now! So this is for last night and there will be another tonight for today, if that isn't too confusing.

I did not go to the gym, nor do I think I will be going today. I don't want to miss it but as I said before, my period is really, really hard on me and so I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

These last few days have been hard mentally because I have been feeling so off food wise. I haven't been doing terribly or eating way to much or anything, but I have been feeling what I think is hunger at times when I normally don't. This is probably all an effect of my schedule re-normalizing and the fact that this particular monthly is making me so tired! I'm working though it.

On a good note, I did post my latest recipe for Meatloaf Pizza Pie as a guest post over at Thoughtful Momma! Give it a try! My whole family (Mom, brother, and husband) loved it!

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving homemade chicken salad: 2
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 can soup: 7
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 baked potato: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
3 tbsp ranch: 3
1 serving homemade chicken curry: 7
w rice: 4
1/2 cup peas: 1
1 huge serving of spinach: 0
1 serving broccoli: 0
1 serving cauliflower: 0
3 bell pepper strips: 0
1/2 egg: 1
3 tbsp ranch: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
last of the chicken salad: 1
Extra small serving of curry: 6
47/41

So 6 extra points, plus 10 from the day before. It always bothers me to use them, but isn't that what they are for? I almost never use them and sometimes I wonder if that isn't a good decision either...

Day 188

So I have this really horrible/funny story. You remember yesterday when I said that no matter what I wouldn't miss my meeting? Yeah. So my husband works a lot, and his social life suffers. He really only has one friend who isn't also my friend. Well, he and that friend got together yesterday to play video games. My husband stayed out until after 6am. Yes, after 6am. Now, I do not begrudge him his fun time, but when he came home at 6am he wanted to be "helpful" so he reset my alarm clock...which then never went off. To say that I was full of seething, angry rage would not do the moment when I woke up justice.

I know they are just meetings, but when I miss them I feel like I am falling behind, or not doing as well as I could be. I also love the support and the people there. I love sitting in a room full of other people struggling just as hard as I am to get to a similar goal. I would switch meetings to a more convenient time (we are a late shift family) but I love the connection with this group!

In any case I got up, got dressed and weighed myself this morning: 341.4. That's a loss of 5.8 from the last time I went to WW! I am currently lighter than I have been in years. This makes my total loss so far: 76.4lbs. So despite struggling with the gym, and stress and moving I am still parading down diet lane. I am seriously proud of myself. Even my new clothes are fitting very loosely!

I am supposed to go back to the gym tomorrow, but my monthly slasher flick is here in a bad way. I have a plan, but I'm not going to kick myself over not being able to hack a full circuit or cardio if I can't. I have pain and nausea today, but they aren't usually what keeps me from the gym...if you know what I mean.

Today was grocery day, and game night (at a friends house), so I will not be posting my recipe for Pizza Meatloaf Pie tonight, but I promise to get it done tomorrow! It was incredibly tasty!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving sun chips: 4
1 subway sub: 12
1 serving dark chocolate: 3
1 serving pizza meatloaf pie: 9
1 serving green beans: 0
1/2 serving ranch: 1
a handful of almonds: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
38/41

I do plan to use some of my extra points tonight. I was feeling fairly sick earlier, and now I feel starved! It's the monthly I think...

Day 187

Tomorrow is weigh in day! I missed last week because I was moving and honestly, really tired. Tomorrow I wont miss my weigh in! I really hope to have lost a little despite it being a crazy 2 weeks with a few days of not counting. Even though my hopes are high I wont let it get me down if I get a bad number on the scale tomorrow.

I had a good day today food wise. I managed to eat all of my points pretty responsibly and get in a pretty respectable amount of points. Monday will be my first day back to the gym since getting sick. I think I am well on my way back to normal routine. I need to work on a way to get the word relax in there too. What will be, will be. I can affect the outcome with as much as I am given, but beyond that I need to chill. In my freshman year of college I had a professor once tell me that "You can't fix anything at 4am in your pajamas." He was right. I don't want people to worry about me, and how I'm stressing. I hate that stress gets to me the way that it does. Normal (What is normal anyway?) people do not crumble so easily! Maybe instead of shaking my fist at the sky I will try some of those relaxation techniques I have been researching. Hey, maybe I'd lose more weight? Nice thought...

So wish me luck, and hopefully tomorrow night when I report I'll be down at least a pound!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 serving beef and potato nacho casserole: 6
1 pudding cup: 1
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 single size bag sun chips: 6
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
3 oz homemade chicken salad: 3
gigantic serving of spinach: 0
pickles: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
shaved carrots: 0
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1/4 cup ranch +1 for extra serving (HUGE amount of spinach to cover): 5
1 can soup: 5
1 serving american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
40/41

If all goes well I should also have another recipe to post tomorrow! Night!

Day 186

Tonight we went back to karaoke because we were asked to (EJ doesn't usually work on Fridays, and was nervous about the new crowd). I actually had a lot of fun, less singing, more hanging out. The couple (Rhonda and Rob) that usually run karaoke were there and Rhonda told me that I looked so different that her husband didn't realize I was there the night before. I was so flabbergasted that all I could get out was "Thank you!"

Now I know, and I'm sure you do too, that my journey has not been without its breakdowns and flat tires. I know that and sometimes it kills me to think that I am not perfect, but you know what? I am not perfect. I am so proud of what I have accomplished and so grateful for having the guts to do this. I can not imagine the human being I would be right now if I had continued gaining weight at 417.8lbs. In just 70lbs my self image has changed so greatly that I found myself thinking that I was attractive tonight in the mirror at the karaoke bar.

The weight loss its self has slowed down, but so many other things are happening. I am discovering that there is more to life than this! I can actually have off days and move on. Diet parade is no longer the change, its the norm! I can see over that fortress wall now. I stand amazed in a place I never thought I'd be: Recovering from the damage that I'd wrought on my own body, mind and heart. I know all of this is mushy and mental, but I have to tell you that if you are reading this and you are trying to lose weight coming from a desperate size you need to work through your mind too. I have never gotten so far before, and I know it is because my mind and heart weren't really in it. You hear people allude to that all of the time, but you never realize what it really feels like to be changing on the whole until you just are.

There are no videos from tonight, but I do finally have a video of just me singing from last night. The camera that was used isn't as good as mine is in a dark room, so you can't see me! Sorry! But you can hear me just fine. I was a little nervous as I hadn't even heard this song in almost a year...



Today:
6oz leftover pasta: 6
1 small serving pasta sauce: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 can soup: 7
1 yogurt: 2
1 cup hot chocolate: 4
2 servings beef and potato casserole (plus one point for the extra serving): 13
1 serving ww cheese: 2
39/41

I got a lot closer tonight, but I had to double up on dinner to do it. Also, I know it doesn't seem like it but I had 6 servings of vegetables today. Slowly but surely getting back.

Day 185

Today was very very good. I am finally feeling relaxed! It has been hard, I have a tough time letting go of things that stress me out and I end up letting them get the best of me. I have also been having a hard time eating all of my points, as I have been terribly distracted for a while. Hopefully I'll be able to jump back into routine soon (gym, all of my points etc).

Tonight was karaoke night so I do have some videos to post, but since they weren't recorded on my camera I have to wait until they are sent to me!

Short post tonight too as it is already after 3am!

Today:
1 cup bran flakes: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
spinach: 0
pickles: 0
2 bell pepper strips: 0
2 small beets: 1
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
1 serving ww cheese: 2
3 tbsp ranch: 3
1/2 hard boiled egg: 1
2 servings spaghetti (extra point for extra serving): 9
1 serving sauce (lots of fresh veggies!): 4
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving sunchips: 4
30/41

I would eat again, but honestly it is so late now, and I did already eat after 2am tonight (my personal food cut off) in order to get to 30. I know, I will get back on track!

Day 182, 183, 184

We are moved in! Actually we were moved in yesterday, but I didn't have any secure internet. We had to get that straightened out, and then also naturally we were busy. Sorry I haven't been here. Honestly my diet parade has suffered a little. First I was sick last week with that wicked migraine and couldn't go to the gym, and then I was moving. I'm not really going to beat myself up over it all though because its life. Life is never as smooth as we plan it. I could have gone to the gym tonight but it has been the first night we have been able to relax since we moved in. So we are relaxing. I also didnt start counting my point again until today.

So a short post tonight as a comeback because I want time with my husband who has worked his tail off, but I do have a food log (so far for the night) for you. I hope that everyone else is having a great week!

Today:
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/cheese: 1
1 serving sweet potato fries: 3
1 serving bbq sauce: 1
3oz chicken breast: 3
1 arnolds san thin: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1/2 serving swwet potato fries: 2
1 leftover turkey burger: 3
w/ cheese: 1
1/2 serving cheddar rice crisps: 1
1 pudding: 1
1 orange: 1
21/41

Today was a leftover eating day! But it was all on plan leftovers. Dinner is going to be chinese pineapple chicken with rice and some green veggies.

Day 180, 181

I am still here! I am just moving currently from one house to another, so regular posting is on hiatus until Tuesday night when everything gets straightened out!

Day 179

I am going to make this update now because my husband is taking me to a movie for a bit of a change of pace tonight. It was hard for me to relax knowing that I had been planning to move on Sunday. I mean, I am still moving on Sunday, it just wont be in one day. Not to mention my ability to find whatever to worry about is just absolutely uncanny. Enough of that. My eating today has been good, and my fluid intake has been great. I need to keep my chin up here! I have great support on and offline and I'm not going to drown. That is my mantra for this week: I am not going to drown. I can swim!

1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving crackers: 1
1 whole wheat wrap: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving ww cheese: 2
2 tbsp salsa: 0
3oz shredded potato: 1
1 tbsp ranch dressing: 1
100 cal pack cupcakes: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 ww yogurt: 1
1/8th of a light latte which was then promptly spilled by a combination of cat and roomie's husband: 1
21/41

Dinner is going to be barbie cups made with chicken, and peas on the side. Bringing my points to 29. So my husband and I are going to share some popcorn tonight at the movies. I'll be back to update the rest when I get home.

Awards Post #1

So since I have so much down time on my hands I figured I would fill in some places on my blog that I have been neglecting. First, the blog roll on the bottom right side of my blog. If you aren't there and you would like to be, I don't mind! Let me know. If I have been commenting on your blog, and you aren't there, no worries, I will be fixing that today! Second, I have been neglecting awards, and comments. Responding to comments is going to be a work in progress here, I want to make sure I respond more than I have been, but the volume is getting high! Please do not feel like I don't hear you. I do, and I appreciate your words!

This started out as 3 awards. I received a Creative Writing Award from both Lisa, and Esther (who I can not link as she no longer has a blog!). I'm sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge these! I can no longer find the original posts! Its alright though, I think I can handle it.

The rules for the creative writer award are that you have to post 6 outrageous lies and 1 outrageous truth and then nominate 7 other blogs to receive this award. I guess people are supposed to guess at them?

1. I have more than 10 cats.
2. I have had the chicken pox twice.
3. I have been divorced.
4. I have an MA in political science.
5. I was a chess champion.
6. I have more than 10 dogs.
7. I have 3 middle names.

Then, recently, both my husband and I received a Sunshine Award from Skuttleboose! Thank you so much, its a very pretty award that lights up my little blog a bit!

"The Sunshine Award is awarded to bloggers whose positivity and creativity inspire others in the blogging world." The rules once this award is received are as follows:

1. Post the logo on blog.
2. Pass the award on to 12 fellow bloggers.
3. Link the nominees
4. Let nominees know they have won this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to the person you received this award from.

Well alright then! Again, there are so many of you who I believe deserve these awards! I have a very hard time nominating just a few from all of you, so if you dont have them already (and perhaps even if you do) I nominate you for these awards!

Day 177, 178

I'm back! Sorta. I have orders first from my doctor and then my friends and family to do nothing for a week. My doctor told me that if I worked I needed not to go in, and when I told her I didn't work, that I stayed at home, she asked who she could talk to to make sure I didn't do anything. I'm not really sure what that means honestly? No cooking, no cleaning? No moving. Yeesh, that's a pretty tall order. I am supposed to be moving on Sunday! However, the house I am moving out of is mine, and we don't really have any like solid need to be out time frame. So I think we are going to be taking our time, and I am just going to try and chill out. I have always gotten hives from stress, and stress has always had a very physical effect on me, but this is new. It started as a light headache on Sunday morning, buzzed right on up to incapacitating and finally subsided sometime in the a.m. this morning. The migraine (which would only be the 2nd in my entire life) kept me from eating, sleeping, and standing, as every movement hurt. I couldn't keep any food down at all. My doctor gave me a muscle relaxer/ pain aid and a sleeping pill. She told me to take something for nausea too. She suggested gently that during my upcoming physical I speak to my regular doctor about my anxiety. Honestly the reason that I never have is because I don't feel like anyone takes me seriously. I tried talking about it all through high-school and every one acted like I was just trying to be special. High-school ended for me on the day that I couldn't remember my own name (Way to big of a subject to add to a post tonight, there is just too much to tell.). Before anyone asked me if I was okay, they asked if I was on drugs. Seriously? I don't even smoke! So maybe I also have some angst about the subject. Sorry, tangent.

Anyway, so I am planning on talking to my doctor during my physical because honestly if my stress or anxiety is going to cause migraines like this one I need help. I have spent all day afraid of this pain coming back.

My eating was awful which you know, thanks to my husband, and yesterday it wasn't much better. I kept everything I ate down, but it wasn't very much. I was still feeling very nauseous. Today was much better, I made my points and managed to get in breakfast, lunch and dinner. We indulged a little tonight, and I had a sandwich and fries from a local sub shop.

With everything included my points were only 42/41 which puts me 1 point into my weekly points. Not too shabby after everything.

So, I do not think there will be any gym until Wednesday, which makes 1 week. Hopefully I will keep feeling better!

To everyone who commented: Yes, I have an amazing husband who took off 2 1/2 days to sit at our bedside and hold my hand and give me my medicine, and walk me to the bathroom in complete darkness. I would not trade him for all of the tea in China!

You guys are all so very wonderful and supportive. I know we are all doing this for ourselves in a way (we all have a plethora of reasons for why we do this, sometimes it is for our families, mine too) but I think that if I didn't have this to come back to every night I would not be this successful. You guys are my anchor here and without you I'm not sure I would come back at all. Thank you.

I will finally get to those awards tomorrow! I will have the time since I am apparently not allowed to do anything else! I'm going to be here trying to find things to do that don't involve stress! Yeah. I know...

Day 176

Hello everybody! This is Chad, Ruby's husband, filling in for Ruby today. Why am I filling in for my lovely wife you may ask? It's because she is currently incapacitated due to extreme stress. Don't worry, she's doing better now but boy did she have a hard time of it yesterday let me tell you. It all started a couple of days ago, she had some pain due to an on again, off again headache but she felt that it wasn't anything to really be concerned about. However it all came to a head yesterday when she woke with nausea, an excruciating headache, and a rash covering her chest, upper arms, thighs, and part of her back.
So she has me call her doctor's office to schedule an appointment but they can't see her until 1:30 and I have to be to work at 1:00. I would have taken off but there was no one else to cover for me being that my co-worker had the day off. Fortunately Ruby's brother had off work and was willing to take her in. So I went on in to work but let them know that I would work the first half but had to leave afterward, which is when I came home to care for my wife (assisted by her Mother, thanks Mom) for the rest of the evening into today with plenty of sleep in between. As I said, she is starting to feel better and as I type this she has once again fallen asleep so hopefully she'll be well soon enough to update this space for all of you that follow her posts.
As far as food goes, she hardly ate anything yesterday and kept down even less:
1/2 cup mashed potatoes
1 1/2 serving sized cups of yogurt
Being sick sucks and of course she didn't make her daily allowance of "you-know-what's" (you can't use the "P" word in this space, can you?), but it looks like she's well on her way to getting better. Get well soon, honey.

Day 175

Today has been amazingly horrible. All day yesterday I was suffering a tension headache, quite literally all day. Last night was also awful, I got hardly any sleep and when I was asleep I was grinding my teeth because of the pain. So today my teeth hurt, as well as my head. I tried to go out today, after taking many pain killers only to find that the severe pain just keeps coming back. I don't know what caused the headache, but I know I'm completely non-functional. I cant pack, or cook, or concentrate very long, which is why you are receiving this update early tonight. I'm terribly tired from not being able to sleep last night and with this pain on top I'm afraid I wont be competent to post later.

I went to the mall with friends earlier because at the time my pain had receded some and I was afraid to sit at home miserable all day. I am now sitting at home with my head and neck wrapped in heating pads, overdosing on pain meds. Perhaps tomorrow I will rejoin the human race and catch up with what is going on in my life.

My food wasn't great today, but I managed to get in a lot of vegetables.

Today:
2 servings steamed veggies: 1
1 serving beef with broccoli: 3
1 serving spicy beef: 13
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
Leftover chili: 8
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving chicken and green bean casserole: 9
1 ww yogurt: 1
38/41

I am planning on having a yogurt before going to bed to get in a little more dairy today!

Day 174

Getting to the good stuff first and foremost: I lost a point! Today I weighed 347.2! Making my total weight loss 70.6lbs! I started at 44 WW points (which is the highest they go, I measured out to 48 points) and I am now down to 41! Who knew having to eat less would feel like a NSV? I am so glad to have finally gotten below 350lbs! I felt like it was taking forever, but lets be honest, that was because I avoided weighing myself for two weeks!

So now, lets talk about that February goal. My goal, made on December 27th of '09 was to lose 25lbs by today's weigh-in. I did not meet my goal. I am exactly 9lbs short. But, um, I cant help but not be unhappy about that. 9lbs short means I lost 16.4 lbs. January was a bad month for me, I was so very depressed and down and just generally lagging behind the parade over here. In the whole month of January I lost a total of 2 lbs. I was afraid for a while there that I was going to give up, but I didn't, and here I am. I am 3.8lbs away from being lighter than I have been in probably over 10 years, and now, only 48.2lbs from 299. I don't know that my weight loss will always be this phenomenal (to me at least), and I am prepared for that eventuality, but I'm grateful for the rate of progress I am having.

I said I was going to make some new goals once I weighed in so here they are: Long term (no set date): 299lbs. Short term: 20lbs by May 2nd, which is another 9 weigh ins away. I don't think that this is an unrealistic goal, but it is a touch over 2lbs a week at 2.22 per week. At that rate it will take me 4 months (or 21 weeks) to get to 299.

That is all good news, but something bad did happen to me last night at Target that I forgot to talk about. Though I suppose forgetting about it even for a moment has to mean there has been some healing. My husband and I were in an isle with another family, some kids, and a husband and wife. I didn't even notice at first because quite honestly it has been a while since it happened or since I've noticed it happening but the kids, two teenage boys were making fun of me, loudly. I froze for a minute thinking that perhaps I was wrong, and then not knowing what to do. There is my husband talking about shower curtains obviously not hearing what is going on (though he was quite upset about it when I told him) and I was doing everything I could not to just burst into tears. So I left the isle and pretended to need to look at something else until I thought they were gone. First of all, this whole episode make me feel incredibly weak. I feel like I should have stood up for myself, but to who? Two hoodlums toddling along after their parents in a Target? Their parents maybe? I have a little bit of a temper when I get upset and I'm not sure that I could have handled any sort of confrontation correctly. I thought about all of that before leaving the isle. It makes me feel feeble like I said, but I think I made the only choice that wouldn't have left me feeling ridiculous. I also think that had I been by myself I would not have left the isle at all, but Chad was there, and I was so afraid he would hear them. I was afraid, if only for a moment, that he would be embarrassed by me, or ashamed of me. That, folks would honestly be all she wrote, I would be done. He is not ashamed of me, or embarrassed by me, and I feel kind of guilty for ever thinking it. In a single moment of weakness, in a single moment I almost let two nasty kids bend my self image out of shape again. I'm more than that, and if my husband knows it, shouldn't I? The lesson I think I am learning is something that my mother tried teaching me early on: No one can take anything away from you unless you let them. I was made fun of in a Target, less than 12 hours before making 70.6lbs lost. I still win.

After the meeting today I had a 60th birthday party brunch to attend, there was a lot of food there but I didn't do badly, and I even managed to share a slice of the birthday cake instead of eating a whole piece myself. I don't know the exact points for everything I ate, but I can list it off: 3 mini (the size of a silver dollar) mushroom and onion tarts, 1 brie and cheese tart (same size), some fresh fruit, a mini (deck of cards sized) egg salad sandwich, 1/2 of a mini (same size) ham sandwich, 1 chicken tender, and 2/5 of a slice of chocolate cake (Which was so good, I am so glad I was able to set that down!). I'm calling it 20 points, but I'm honestly not sure. I had 34 weekly points left though so even if I am wrong I think I'm okay.

I have so much to do this week (moving, packing, fixing the place we are moving to), my hopeful goal is to get to the gym 3 times, but I am going to aim for 4.

Today:
1 pack 100 calorie pretzels: 2
Alex's Mom's Birthday party: 20
4 oz spaghetti: 3
1 cup homemade veggie sauce: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 cup homemade vegetable chili: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 piece chocolate: 1
1 coffee with skim milk: 2
1 serving sw baked ziti: 6
48/41

Which leaves me with 27 extra points until Tuesday, which I think is so not bad. Good night!

P.S. I know I have been given some awards, and that I haven't gotten to them. Please don't feel as though I don't want them, or appreciate them, I just haven't gotten to posting them yet. Thank you so much for supporting me in all of this!