So I resisted the urge to hide in the anonymity of a new blog. The only comfort it would give me is the ability to hide from what I feel like is a failure. What good would that do? I want to learn from my mistakes and my missteps. I want them to drive me to do better. I also want anyone reading this blog or browsing through blogs who may be in a similar position to see this and not want to give up.
Speaking of giving up...I gave up. Repeatedly. I ate for comfort, and stress and ...because. I spent nights telling myself it didn't matter because I would always be fat. I can be really fatalistic I guess.
The thing is, I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. I want to get past it.
One of the biggest problems I have is loving myself. I'm coming to terms with the fact that loving myself includes eating well and exercising. This one is harder than it sounds, especially when something like choosing to eat at home over the buffet that smells so good (and your friends are going) brings honest to god tears to your eyes. I beat myself up for needing rest when I am trying to work out, and I torture myself over my food choices...even when I am simultaneously telling myself that I gave up.
Its really no wonder that every time I thought about getting back on the bandwagon here my brain just shut me down. I told my husband a while back that I wasn't sure I could handle this again emotionally. The ups are great, but the downs? I haven't really learned to process them into anything other than self loathing. One more thing that my body cant do well enough.
My new doctor suggested (very gently mind you) weight loss surgery. I would be straight up lying to you if I told you I hadn't partially explored that route previous to her asking (before she was my doctor). I did a lot of research on my own and joined some boards to read discussions and ask questions, and I even signed myself up for a seminar and went to listen. Four years ago I wouldn't have even considered it, but GOD I'm tired. I have been doing this for pretty much my entire life. I went on my first "diet" before I had my period and I just turned 30. I think walking into that seminar I was telling myself that there was nothing wrong with getting a boost in the right direction. I'm a pretty smart girl, I know that it will still be hard and that while not all of the challenges will be the exact same there will still be challenges. I know all of this, but I can't help but wonder if the tool would help me. I cant help but wonder what the future would hold down a path I've never gone.
It isn't for me right now. My decision since the seminar has been that I really need one more go at doing this myself. So today is day 1. I will be doing Weight Watchers again because I really did so well before with them. I need to swallow my pride and head back to meetings. That part is hard. I'm back to being the biggest person in the room and the leaders and secretaries know my secret. I lost 100lbs and gained back 140! So I'm struggling with that, and the self inflicted shame.
I will have a weight for the blog soon. I forgot to write down the one at the doctor and that was two weeks ago anyway. I will be posting my food here every day again because the accountability was really helpful for me. Don't judge me yet for the lack of vegetables. I don't grocery shop until next Wednesday because I just got back from vacation and don't have any money yet! So I'm using whats in the house!
See you tomorrow.
(To be updated at the end of the day or throughout the day along with my online points tracker.)
1 cup fruit loops
1/2 cup skim milk
1 tbsp smart balance margarine
1 egg (fried it in the smart balance)
1 honey wheat sandwich thin
3 turkey sausage links
2 tbsp ketchup
1 slice cheddar cheese
1 1/4 cup vegetable pasta
2 cups tomato soup
3 servings stuffed pepper halves (yeah I know that seems like a lot but the 3rd serving is what was left in the pan that wouldn't fit into a pepper. I ate it without really thinking about an hour before dinner, just being completely honest here.)
1/2 cup parmesan noodles
1 cup green beans
1 tbsp light soy sauce
I have points left over but I'm feeling dangerously snacky so I'm in bed reading Weight Watchers magazine and updating my food here. I think today was pretty successful!