Day 12

Just getting some feelings out, bear with me.

I had a bit of a break down today. Oh, my points are fine and I'm not off track but I have to deal with the fact that I'm not okay.

I don't trust myself. A few of my friends are on the healthy parade with me right now and they all have goals. Goals like clothing sizes and fitness levels. They have plans. I do not. When someone asks me what my goals are I just don't have any. I mean beyond "to live" I suppose. I had goals last time, and I thought I knew that last time was it. It was THE time. I was going to lose the weight, keep it off and experience life in a way I never have before. Then I gave up. I gave up and I didn't care and I didn't want to care and I haven't figured out why I should care this time. Except...I obviously do. I feel committed.

Last time there were things I wanted to do, I still felt like things were possible. Now I feel like I've lost everything. I feel like I'm mourning honestly. I feel like the only thing I'm trying for is more time with my husband. I know that sounds dramatic, and I don't mean for it to be. I just feel...weary and lost and emotional.

One of the things that is weighing me down is feeling like I will never have children. I feel like my clock is ticking and its a countdown clock. I guess that's normal, but I feel like I've missed my chance and I don't have a contingency plan in place for the rest of my life. I feel like I've missed everything I've ever wanted and I'm terrified to want anything else. I feel like a failure in more than just weight loss, and I have so much anger and resentment and shame balled up inside about my weight that I feel like I'm just constantly holding myself back.

I know rationally that my life isn't over, but my emotional brain isn't rational, and its conditioned to hurt itself. Loss is the feeling/emotion I feel the most strongly. I'm not sure how to deal with any of it. I know I need to call someone (therapist etc) but I feel afraid. I can't really figure out why, but I do. I opened up a little to a friend about it tonight but I had to tell her I couldn't deal with the conversation. I feel like the more I show the more I actually hurt. I just lost my composure in the middle of speaking and in that moment I realized that I was less okay than I realized. I want to say that I can just deal with all of this myself, but I know that I cant. Otherwise just talking about it wouldn't have made me so sick to my stomach that I threw away more than half of my dinner.

Anyway, I'm sorry to dump all of this here for anyone who might still be reading, but god I feel like the well is so deep right now. Getting it off of my chest has to be better than smothering myself with it.

Today was a friends 30th birthday, we went to a very very nice restaurant and then a movie. I did pretty okay today.

1 serving rice pilaf
2 pieces shrimp in a fried wonton
seared ahi tuna steak
sauteed asparagus
steamed carrots
1 oz lump crab meat
1/4 cup seaweed salad
1 slice cheesecake
1 grande caramel macchiato
3 cups movie popcorn
1 can beef vegetable soup
1 cup mashed potatoes
1 serving cheese nips

I could be down as much as like 10 points for the day because I threw away maybe 2/3 of my canned soup, mashed potatoes and cheese nips.

Gym tomorrow!