Day 28

Today was really hard in more than one way. I've been feeling all moody and depressed. I didn't sleep well last night, I tossed and turned for hours and I ended up keeping Chad awake too long too. I was just an anxious about bills, plans, roommates and food. Lately everything has been really hard for me. So much so that I finally made the call to see a therapist. I have an appointment on August 13th. I think (as long as the insurance and everything goes well) that this could be a huge piece of the whole puzzle for me. I am pretty sure I have depression, and I would not be surprised to find out that I have some sort of anxiety disorder.

In any case, all I wanted to do today was sit in the dark with the TV on Syfy channel and eat. I did not do that though. I worked on my coupons, cleaned up the house, and made dinner. I ate too much today but that't not too bad of a thing considering I have weekly points for moments of weakness. I only used 9 of them.

I'm not hungry, but I do feel the need to self soothe, which I equate involuntarily with food. I've been coping but today I slipped a little. I was also going to start adding Tuesday nights into my gym routine but that will have to wait until next week. I'm exhausted. I know I have been saying that a lot lately, but I am.

Years ago, when I first started this blog, one of the tearful conversations I had with my husband involved me explaining to him that if I went to the gym that would be pretty much it for the day for me. I was way out of shape and over 400 pounds. This time around funnily (not) enough I am heavier than I was but still in better shape. Its weird, but its true. I mean better shape is relative when you struggle to do 20 minutes of cardio but back when I started at a lower weight I could barely do ten. Anyway my point is that though I am able to do more than just the gym these days I am still feeling incredibly spent sometimes. Okay, a lot of the time.

Anyway, onward march and all that jazz. The diet parade waits for no one.

Food:

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Morning
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1 1/2 oz turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2" square)	1
1  roll Arnold Sandwich Thins	3
1  tbsp Kraft Mayo	1
Subtotal	8
Midday
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
2  serving(s) chicken and rice soup	6
1  container Muller Yogurt	4
Subtotal	13
Evening
1  serving(s) Cooks Perfect Turkey Meatballs	4
3  serving(s) Buitoni Angel Hair (80g)	18
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
1 1/2 Average Pasta Sauce #4	7
Subtotal	32
Anytime
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
4  Tbsp fat free salsa	0
2  serving(s) Ben and Jerrys Raspberry brownie frozen yogurt	11
2  cup Campbell's Soup	5
Subtotal	22
Food PointsPlus values total used	75
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0

Day 27 - Weigh in Day and FMM

Okay so, drum roll... I lost 2.8 this week! That brings me down to 445.2 lbs. I'll admit that I'm anxious to see the scale move faster but I am really happy to see it moving in the right direction. Its hard to imagine 2 pounds a week for what could be a total of 4 1/2 years if it stays that slow. And trust me, I know it isn't slow. I know its normal and healthy and still a really great loss. I just feel anxious.

Does weight loss really get harder the more times you need to do it?

I have 27 points left for today. I will probably have some frozen yogurt, but I'm not sure what else. I will update to add food if I do.

Okay so for some fun:

If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section over at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Ten Things That Make Me Happy

1. My husband. Seriously, I know its cliched but he is the light in my life. Without him I have no idea where I would be or what my life would be like. He kept my family floating before we were even married when we couldn't pay our bills and when things needed to be fixed. He stepped up when he didn't have to, knowing I would have wanted him even if he couldn't have. He loves me fat, mad, sad, he loves me on "ugly" days and even in the very early morning.

2. My family. My mom and my brother. My grandparents (though they have passed I miss they every day), and my extended family. We used to be more close knit and we are all very different people but we love each other. 

3. My friends. I seriously don't know anyone with a better group of friends than I have. We are bitchy, and gossipy and moody and unique but we always come together like a family down to Sunday dinners. When my toilet exploded and my basement flooded and we were broke my friends came to my house with dinner, a case of mudslide, and a brand new toilet. We might not always like each other, but I can count on them, and they can count on me. 

4. Singing! I sing, but not professionally. There are a lot of people who think I could, but I've always had this weight making me afraid to try. Singing clears my head and makes me feel calm.

5. My pets. I have too many, leftover from a few years of rescue, but I love them and I treasure every moment of their little lives. They bring me joy and I think through them I have developed a healthy compassion for everything that lives on this planet. Everything deserves love. 

6. AC. For real, I live in Baltimore City and its hot here. Even if its only in the 80's the humidity can make it unbearable. Air conditioning makes life bearable!

7. Our car! We drive a 2011 red Kia Forte 5-Door. Previous to that we drove a 1990 sea green with-no-clear-coat Ford Taurus. Do I need to say more? It took me ages to get my frugal husband to agree to even look at new cars and then when we sold the green monster I actually cried as it was towed away.

8. My iPod. I have an old 80gb iPod classic in a metallic pink case that I have been using for about 5 years now. It gets me through the gym days. I put on a playlist, close my eyes and don't stop until its over.

9. Christmas. I know it's weird but Christmas still makes me feel like a little kid. I love the lights and cold air and the music...it just lifts my spirits. Chad and I don't have any kids so we spoil my mom and my brother and each other.

10. Horror movies. I know, I know. How can those make you happy? I don't know. I just really love them...even the bad ones. I have only one exception: I hate torture porn. By that I mean movies like Saw (not including the first one which was good) and Hostel. I don't see the point, or the entertainment in realistic torture and pain.

Now it’s your turn to answer this week’s questions! Take time to get to know someone new this week, leave a few comments and come back and link up in the comments. Happy Monday, friends!

And food!

Monday, July 29, 2013

Morning
1/2 cup(s) cherries	0
2  Alex smoothie	6
Subtotal	6
Midday
1  sandwich(es) Classics chargrilled chicken sandwich	7
1  packet(s) Dressings & Sauces honey roasted bbq sauce	2
1  cup(s) Side Items medium fresh fruit cup	0
16  small Caramel Mocha Iced Coffee	3
Subtotal	12
Evening
1/2 cup(s) cooked green beans	0
1  cup(s) mashed potatoes	6
1  Pork Chops and Apple Pie Filling	13
Subtotal	19
Anytime
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
Subtotal	3
Food PointsPlus values total used	40
Food PointsPlus values remaining	27
Activity
20 min Weight lifting, nautilus-type (light workout)	3
20 min elliptical trainer, moderate intensity	4
Activity PointsPlus values earned	7

Day 26

I know I haven't posted my food yet for today or yesterday but I'm tracking. I'm just busy and kind of exhausted. We finished cleaning the house today. Certain actives drain me quicker than others and being hunched over woodwork for hours is one of them. So I'm updating from my bed again.

Weigh in day is tomorrow and so is the gym. I promise to copy paste my food tomorrow guys, goodnight!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Morning
1  medium banana(s)	0
1  cup(s) fat free skim milk	2
55  gm Wheaties Cereal	5
Subtotal	7
Midday
1  Velveeta Shepherds Pie	12
Subtotal	12
Evening
1/2 cup(s) macaroni and cheese	5
1/2 cup(s) cooked white rice	3
2  Tbsp canned chicken gravy	1
1/2 cup(s) pasta salad	4
5  oz cooked boneless, skinless chicken breast(s)	5
2  oz cooked pork tenderloin	2
1  Tbsp barbecue sauce	1
1  Sausage, Apple and Cornbread Stuffing	3
Subtotal	24
Anytime
1  serving(s) frosty lemon cookie	3
1/4 cup(s) shredded cheddar cheese	3
1/2 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
1/2 medium fresh tomato(es)	0
2  serving(s) new york croutons asiago	2
2 1/2 serving(s) Lite Buffalo Ranch 2tbsp	4
78  gm avocado	3
1/2 cup(s) uncooked bell pepper(s)	0
2  cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1 1/3 serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	4
1  tbsp Hormel Bacon Bits	1
2  cup Campbell's Soup	5
Subtotal	25
Food PointsPlus values total used	68
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0

Day 25

Today was cleaning day and we have cleaned. Oh boy have we ever. Do you know cleaning woodwork feels like working out? Oh well, it does to me! We aren't done yet but we've just finished for the night and the while house feels so much better!

I've had a shower and I'm laying in bed. I'll copy paste my food from my tracker tomorrow. It want great today. I mean, my points are fine but there weren't enough fruits and veggies.

Ah well, tomorrow.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Morning
2  serving(s) Small Plates Pork Egg Rolls	9
2  serving(s) Caramel Chicken Stock velvetted	18
2  serving(s) Diner Select Sides Brown Rice	13
Subtotal	40
Midday
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal	0
Evening
2  Velveeta Shepherds Pie	24
Subtotal	24
Anytime
1/4 serving(s) delish orange and almond	2
1/3 serving(s) delish lemon and black pepper	2
1  container Muller Yogurt	4
Subtotal	8
Food PointsPlus values total used	72
Food PointsPlus values remaining	0
Activity
No entries for activity.
Activity PointsPlus values earned	0

Day 24

So today was good. I ate well, though I didn't get all of my veggies in. I went to the gym and did my thing there too. Game night was good, because I didn't over eat and we didn't spend the whole time eating for once.

I don't have a ton to say. I'm tired and we are going to be cleaning house tomorrow. Hopefully that goes well and we are productive. We tend to get caught up in the small details.

Friday, July 26, 2013

Morning
1/2 cup(s) fat free skim milk	1
1  medium banana(s)	0
1 1/2 cup Wheaties Cereal	5
Subtotal	6
Midday
1  serving(s) kraft Thick and Spicy honey BBQ sauce	2
1/2 cup(s) cooked green beans	0
2/3 cup(s) mashed potatoes	4
1  serving(s) rotisserie chicken 3oz	4
1  roll Arnold Sandwich Thins	3
Subtotal	13
Evening
1  serving(s) Don Pepino 1/4 cup	1
1  Tbsp mayonnaise	3
1/4 serving(s) Olive oil	1
2  serving(s) Borden mozzarella	3
5 1/3 oz uncooked boneless skinless chicken breast(s)	4
118  gm French baguette bread	8
1  cup(s) mashed potatoes	6
1  slice(s) American cheese	3
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
2  cup Campbell's Soup	5
Subtotal	37
Anytime
1  serving(s) Cadbury Toffee Icecream bar	5
2  serving(s) lemon frozen Greek yogurt	4
Subtotal	9
Food PointsPlus values total used	65
Food PointsPlus values remaining	3
Activity
20 min elliptical trainer, moderate intensity	4
15 min Weight lifting, nautilus-type (light workout)	2
Activity PointsPlus values earned	6

Day 23

Sorry about the abrupt posting last night. It was a weird night.

Today was much better. My friend had another dentist appointment so I got to take her daughter to see the ducks! There is also a playground there so we had a lot of fun. Afterward I went to the gym. Beyond that my day has been about relaxing. I made a simple dinner, I didn't eat enough points today but I'm not hungry.

Tomorrow is game night and I am thinking of coping by giving myself a large bank of points to work with for the evening. I'll have a normal (for me) breakfast and a light lunch when I get home from the gym and then I'll plan big for the evening.

I don't have a ton to say today. Even I know the exciting days are weigh in days.

I have some exciting things planned for the future. Chad and I (and a bunch of friends) are about to put down some cash for a cruise in October of 2014. That should be exciting. I want to be thinner by then so that things are easier. Like, I know the bathrooms are so small on cruise ships. THAT has me terrified. I see the pictures and the diagrams and I'm like "Will I fit?" We are also tentatively going to Las Vegas in January of this coming year for the organization I volunteer for. They need some equipment hauled out there and I'm running a part of the big event out there so as of right now we are driving from Baltimore to Nevada. I'm nervous about it, but I'm also super excited. We don't really have a ton of money but the other thing I really want to do is fly up to Niagara Falls with Chad for a night or two. I think that would be a lot of fun and I am getting used to flying because of the volunteer work so who knows?

I have a new way to post my food! I don't have to type it up anymore! Weight Watchers has a print option and I think I can just copy paste, or post screen shots! I'm so excited! Typing up my food takes a lot of time, and this way you get to see how the points break down too.

One thing I have to point out: I don't eat all of the foods you see in morning, afternoon, evening, or anytime as a group. I eat all day long, I just only have those four categories to choose from and for the most part it doesn't make a difference where I track my food. I try to put foods in the most correct time of day but...well you will see. I also don't always write out the whole name of the food I am eating when I am crating a food entry by inputting the nutritional information...I'll have to get better about that!

Good Night!

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Morning
1  large banana(s)	0
1  serving(s) Yoplait Very Cherry Light Yogurt	2
1  Alex smoothie	3
Subtotal	5
Midday
2  oz turkey breast lunch meat (3-1/2" square)	1
2/3 slice(s) American cheese	2
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
1  serving(s) B&G sandwich toppers	0
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened dill pickle(s)	0
2  serving(s) Mexican chicken and rice soup	7
1  roll Arnold Sandwich Thins	3
1  tbsp Kraft Mayo	1
Subtotal	17
Evening
1  cup(s) mashed potatoes	6
1  cup(s) cooked green beans	0
1  breast(s) rotisserie chicken breast	8
1  drumstick(s) rotisserie chicken drumstick	2
1  serving(s) kraft Thick and Spicy honey BBQ sauce	2
Subtotal	18
Anytime
2  serving(s) Act II 94% FF popcorn 1/2 bag	7
2  serving(s) lemon frozen Greek yogurt	4
1  serving(s) Aldi Cracker Crisps	3
4  Tbsp fat free salsa	0
1/4 serving(s) delish lemon and black pepper	1
Subtotal	15
Food PointsPlus values total used	55
Food PointsPlus values remaining	13
Activity
15 min Weight lifting, nautilus-type (light workout)	2
20 min elliptical trainer, moderate intensity	4
Activity PointsPlus values earned	6

Day 22

Todays update is going to come tomorrow. I'm super exhausted.
The grocery shop was fine, I got some exercise too.
I used one weekly point today.
More tomorrow including my list of food. Goodnight!

Edited to add my post for the day:

Yesterday was long, and sometimes shopping on a budget can be really frustrating. By the time I got home I was a little surly and my husband and I had a tiny spat. We made up but by that point I was really really tired and I wanted the day to end so I hopped into bed and let it.

My food:

1 grilled chicken sandwich
1 serving bbq sauce
1 cup mixed fruit
1 huge homemade salad (spinach, peppers, tomato, carrots, pickles)
1 serving cheddar cheese
1/2 cup homemade chicken salad
1 tbsp crushed hot peppers
2 servings croutons
1 serving creamy radiatori
1 serving cheese nips
2 servings light buffalo ranch dressing
1 baked potato with cheese
1 cup chili
1 1/3 servings (what was left) creamy radiatori
1/4 serving orange and almond dark chocolate
2/3 serving lemon and cracked black pepper dark chocolate
1 cup chopped watermelon
1/2 cup sliced canteloupe

Day 21

So Tuesdays are never a gym day for me (right now) but I think my food was pretty good. I'm running out of things like veggies but tomorrow is grocery day so I think I will be okay. I am planning on packing a lunch for tomorrow too so hopefully it will be another good food day, and because I am packing my lunch I wont be eating out so much!

I don't have a ton to say today beyond that it has been uneventful. I did a lot of coupon work and made dinner but beyond that it was a stress free day. I figure since I don't have too much to talk about I will give you some updates as too my body shape and size.

450+

I should start by saying I actually love this photo. Its a webcam photo being photo bombed by my husband, whom I love so so so so so much. I generally hate photos of myself. I feel embarrassed and like I want to hide.

This is a friend of mine who was the groomsman to my bridesmaid at a friends wedding. We were having a great time here. He was telling me that he was going to be Chad (My husband, see the photo above) for the day.

Same day as above, after a few (a lot) glasses of wine. We were really having a good time. My friends are a pretty tight knit group. 

Then this. I hate this photo with every inch of my being. Every. Single. Inch. I don't feel that fat. I don't feel that uncomfortable every waking moment of every single day but I certainly look like I do here. I mean, I look fat in every picture I've shown you. You can't hide that, but this picture is much more honest. This picture makes me want to hide in a dark corner of the universe and never come out.

I will be alright though, and when I lose this weight I will have all of these pictures to show myself and be proud of. 

Food:

1/2 cup skim milk

2 servings wheaties

3 pieces spicy tuna roll (sushi)

1 oz american cheese

1 serving angel hair pasta

1 serving leftover sauce (no meatballs)

1 can vegetable beef soup

1 serving cheese nips

1 serving tortilla scoops

1/4 cup salsa

6 oz light yogurt

1 mini ice cream cone

1 serving creamy radiatori

1 pretzel roll

There were veggies (and not a few either) had in the soup, the pasta sauce (I make myself so its a bunch) and the creamy radiatori had peas and broccoli.

I have 13 points left.

Good night!

Day 20 - Weigh in Day and FMM

Okay so I've decided to take part in Friend Makin' Monday but before I do that I wanna get the weigh in out of the way. I lost 2.4 pounds! I am now 448 pounds. I lost more on average the last time I did this but I was taking birth control back then to control the symptoms of my PCOS. I know this time is going to be different, and I'm still really happy. I also made it back to the gym again today before my meeting. I think I'm doing pretty okay guys.

If you've taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Let’s Talk About TV

1. Share your current “Must-See” TV shows. I am currently in love with Hannibal even though I know its on break. I'm also watching Under the Dome. I need to catch up on Doctor Who, Falling Skies, Defiance, Grimm, and Once Upon a Time. I just don't have the time and I need to stay off of my butt so much!

2. Do you prefer reality shows or sitcoms? Unless you think of Psych as a sitcom I do not enjoy sitcoms. Or reality TV I guess. Sometimes when there is nothing else on I will put on Say Yes To The Dress, or Bridezillas though. I prefer scifi, horror and fantasy in my TV shows.

3. Who is your favorite talk show host? I don't have one. I don't watch talk shows! Sorry!

4. Which network(s) do you turn to for news? I don't watch the news. It's kind of alarmist and I don't need the stress. I read BBC news online and sometimes CNN.

6. Have you ever started watching a show simply because you heard so much about it on social media? If so, which one did you watch? There are a few. Vampire Diaries, Being Human (US), and Pretty Little Liars. Pretty Little Liars is kind of amazing actually. I think its incredibly well written.

7. List any TV series that you own on DVD. There are too many to list! I have The X-Files, Fringe, Doctor Who, Battlestar Galactica, Supernatural, Smallville, Invader ZIM and more!

8. Do you have a subscription to Netflix, Hulu, etc? If so, what kind of device do you use to stream it? I have Netflix, Hulu+ and Amazon Prime (because a roommate shares her account). I stream things to my TV using our PS3, and I use my Laptop, and sometimes my Nook to stream other things. I've used Netflix on my phone to keep a friends toddler busy in a restaurant once.

9. If you could star in a TV show that already exists, which one would you choose? Defiance. I would love to be a crime fighting antihero on the outskirts of civilization trying to keep the peace between humans and non-humans!

10. If you could bring back one TV show that is no longer on the air, which one would you choose? Firefly! I know we got Serenity, but I still hate that its over.

Have a good time answering the questions and making new friends!


And now, my food for the day:

1/2 cup fresh blueberries
1 cup skim milk
2 servings wheaties cereal
1 can tomato soup with gouda cheese
1 serving garden delight pasta
1 serving cheese nips
1 serving Banquet frozen chicken sandwiches
1 tbsp bbq sauce
1 small ice dream cup with strawberry topping from Chick fil a
2 servings angel hair pasta
1 serving pasta sauce with turkey meatballs


I have nine points left.

Day 19

I have internet!

You'd think my service was bad because I've lost internet twice in the last month but honestly they were not related and really not the norm. So I'm sorry about the unusual postings and the late posting of food!

This whole weekend was hard. I stayed mostly with in my points but I went into my weeklies twice. That always makes me nervous because I didn't use my weeklies much if at all last time and I'm wondering how its going to change things. I do not feel like I'm cheating when I use my weeklies because that is what they are there for but I still worry. I have 28 out of 49 of my weeklies left for the week.

My food today wasn't as varied as I would like but I still managed to get in a decent amount of veggies: 8 servings (servings according to Weight Watchers, and I'm supposed to have 9).

I did pretty well at the kids birthday party I went to earlier. The only food available was pizza, and cake. I had one slice of pizza and one slice of cake and 2 bottles of water. I was pretty good.

The party was a little emotional for me though. I seriously miss these people but my own self image and my own hang ups are keeping me from my friends. I was so uncomfortable today it was ridiculous. And it was all me.

After that I came home and I did indulge in dinner but it wasn't so bad. I ordered out to Pei Wei and my lovely husband picked it all up for me. I ate it all, but I counted it all too. Not the best choice the day before weigh in because of all of the sodium but I didn't think about that until after. I'm awesome!

Gym and then weigh in tomorrow!

1 slice birthday sheet cake
1 slice pepperoni pizza
1 serving broccoli and cheese soup (home made)
1 can soup
2 servings orange peel chicken (stock velveted!)
2 servings brown rice
1 extra serving of the steamed veggies that came with the chicken (making 3 servings of veggies total for the entree)
2 pork egg rolls
1 serving chocolate
1 banana

I think I'm getting the hang of this again. I know my food left a lot to be desired today but the point is not to be perfect, it's to be better and to think before I put food in my mouth. I need to ask myself..."Is it worth it?"

Thanks guys, good night.

Day 18

So we did have internet at the meeting, but it was on a hot spot and very limited so I was only able to use it to do work.
I have not forgotten, given up or stopped blogging. I'm currently on my phone but it has been randomly power cycling and so I don't want to make a huge post and then lose it.
I'm still tracking though and I will update everything with food tomorrow. I managed to get a modem/router today but its too late to mess with. I just got home.
Night!

Edited to add food:
1/2 cup skim milk
2 servings wheaties cereal
1 serving meatloaf
1 cup rice
1 serving mashed potatoes
3 servings (I couldn't tell, so I went high on counting to be safe) bourbon chicken
2 servings boneless wings
1 cup steamed carrots
1/2 cup green beans
1/2 turkey and cheese sub on wheat bread from subway
1/2 filled donut

Day 17

I haven't forgotten to update but my internet is down, my router is fried and my phone has started power cycling randomly. Yay for stress! I have that huge meeting tomorrow which should have internet available to staff so I'll give you guys an update then with food and such. I used some of my weekly points today.
Goodnight, and wish me luck. Its going to be a busy weekend.

Edited to add food:
1 banana
1 serving mashed potatoes
2 servings green beans
2 cups beef stew
2 corn muffins
1/2 cup spiced rice
2 oz cooked chicken breast
1 serving campbells skillet sauce
2 slices pepperoni pizza
1 serving chocolate milk
2 1/2 filled donuts (not in one sitting, like 8 hours apart)
1 fudge round
1/2 serving jelly beans

The only thing I ate at home on this day was the banana.

Day 16

Well today didn't get to involve ducks because my friends toddler was really sleepy (she missed her nap because of the dentist appointment), but I did make it to the gym.

I feel a little stuck at the gym because I am doing an average of 20 minutes on the Arc Trainer before I do my strength training. I try really hard to remind myself that I weigh 450 pounds and that I'm literally working my ass off. I sweat so hard that its running down my face and my neck. My hair gets wet. I was sweating so much after the Arc Trainer that when I was moving from machine to machine for strength training I was dripping on the floor of the gym. That actually made me smile a little. Sweat is fat crying!

My food was better today, but I have another long busy day and then a long busy weekend ahead of that. Some of this weekend is going to involve some emotional stress which is driving my anxiety up. I'm going to a birthday party for the child of a friend who was very close to me in the past who is now a little distant. The birthday cake is the least of my worries.

On Saturday I have an 8 hour long meeting for a nonprofit I work for throughout the year. We are putting on our big annual event in a month so its crunch time. I'm trying to put myself in the right mindset because during these meetings people are eating constantly. I need to have a plan and stick to it and be prepared for the unpredictable.

Wish me luck!

1 piece grilled chicken breasts
2 servings green beans
1 serving honey mustard
1 banana
1 salad (home made, spinach, pickles, tomatoes, bell peppers, carrots, avocado, bacon, croutons, shredded cheese, 2 servings dressing, all measured or weighed.)
1 can chunky beef vegetable soup
1 banana
1 light activia yogurt
1 package pepper jack crackers
1/2 cup steamed corn
1 cup steamed peas
2 dinner rolls
1 serving sloppy joes
2 servings broccoli cheese soup (home made)
1 cadbury ice cream bar

I have two points left.

Day 15

I went to the grocery store today and re-upped our fruit and vegetable supply. I got a ton of fresh baby spinach, which I love and a few pounds of peppers, and some blue berries among the regulars. Grocery shopping pretty much envelops my Wednesday every week because using coupons can take so long. I'm on my feet the whole time and pretty beat when I get home. The down side of this is that I end up not eating enough.

I did okay today though I didn't get enough veggies in. I had a salad and a chicken sandwich for lunch but the salad was pretty bad and I'd gone too far to take it back so I bought a banana and ate my chicken sandwich. When I got home I had so many points left and I was ravenous so I ate a double serving of pasta and sauce. My sauce has a ton of veggies in it though so at least that is something.

Tomorrow I am taking a friend to have her tooth pooled and watching her toddler while she is in back.

Isn't she cute? She is two and already in a 4T! If we have time I'm going to take her up to where I went to high school which isn't far from the dentist. Out behind the building they have a pretty large man made lake with a walking deck built around it and most importantly: DUCKS!

After that I have a date with the gym.

Randomly before I list my food, I was thinking about Christmas. Yeah yeah I know, it is a long way off, but I was thinking about habits. I stuff the stockings in my house with a lot of candy. There are usually some other things too, but still. I was reading a bit about the tradition of stuffing stockings with satsumas, or mandarin oranges and I think that I might try that this year instead of all of the candy. I love mandarin oranges in particular and my family just loves citrus fruit. I wonder what else I might stuff them with?

1 chicken sandwich
1 serving ranch dressing
1 banana
1 16 oz iced coffee with skim milk and splenda
2 servings garden delight pasta
1 1/2 servings home made pasta sauce
2 servings american cheese
1/2 serving chocolate
2 1/2 servings mandarin oranges (canned in light syrup, drained and rinsed, but counted all of it.)
1 blue bunny mini ice cream cone

So I am exactly at my points today but I could have used more veggies. I'm okay with that. One day at a time.

See you tomorrow!

Day 14

After all this time I still struggle with what to type into this little text box. Do you get tired of hearing about what I eat every day and how I feel? Sometimes I feel like most of my blog here is me processing my feelings. That's part of it right?

I'm pretty down. I feel pretty negative right now. I feel like the deck is stacked against me. My thoughts are all doom and gloom and I'm just having trouble shaking it off. I am definitely not trying to wallow in it. Reading blog posts is hard though, because I can identify with the emotional struggles I'm reading about, and the successes remind me of what I gave up.

I'm not giving up though. I've done well enough so far, I just haven't reached the point where I can at least feel the warmth from the light that must be at the end of this tunnel. Maybe morale is just harder to scrounge up after such an epic set back (Last time). Remembering all of the things I said and all of the promises I made to myself last time I feel like a giant fake. It's part of the reason I'm having trouble trusting myself.

The thing is, I know what I need to do. I know why I need to do it and I even know how. I know it works and I know it works for me. So I'm going to stick to it and work it out and make it happen. This is not the first time I've been over 400 pounds but I'd like it to be its going to be my last.

1 Lyfe Kitchen Frozen steel cut oatmeal entree
1 container low fat yogurt
2 oz cooked pasta
1 can tomato soup
1 oz american cheese
1 serving low fat baked cheese nips
1 cup green beans
1/2 cup baked beans
2 baked boneless pork chops
1 blue bunny mini cone

Dinner will be:
1 serving home made pasta sauce (made with chicken sausage)
2 servings garden delight pasta
1 oz american cheese

After dinner I will have 4 points left.

Grocery shopping tomorrow, then the gym on Thursday and Friday. Good night guys!

Day 13 - Weigh In Day

Okay, so Mondays are officially weigh in day. I'm just going to get this out of the way because I am both happy about it and seriously wounded by seeing it in real physical form. I weigh 450.4lbs. Which is 8 pounds less than the last time I went to the doctor on May 29th.

I'm going to take that as a good thing and use 458 as my starting weight, and 450.4 as my current weight and go from there.

Chad told me tonight while looking at my weigh in information: "The longest journey starts with one step." I love him.

Yesterday and today were hard emotionally, so I'm going to cut this off here and go take a shower and relax with Chad.

Good night guys.

1 serving Wheaties cereal
1/2 cup milk
1 banana
1 homemade fruit smoothie (no sugar, just frozen fruit and 1/2 cup vanilla Greek yogurt)
1 grilled chicken sandwich
1 packet bbq sauce
1 fruit cup
2 baked boneless pork chops
1/2 cup baked beans
1 cup green beans
1 cup mashed potatoes
1 chicken quesadilla
8 oz iced coffee
1/2 chocolate frosted donut

I have 15 points left.

Day 12

Just getting some feelings out, bear with me.

I had a bit of a break down today. Oh, my points are fine and I'm not off track but I have to deal with the fact that I'm not okay.

I don't trust myself. A few of my friends are on the healthy parade with me right now and they all have goals. Goals like clothing sizes and fitness levels. They have plans. I do not. When someone asks me what my goals are I just don't have any. I mean beyond "to live" I suppose. I had goals last time, and I thought I knew that last time was it. It was THE time. I was going to lose the weight, keep it off and experience life in a way I never have before. Then I gave up. I gave up and I didn't care and I didn't want to care and I haven't figured out why I should care this time. Except...I obviously do. I feel committed.

Last time there were things I wanted to do, I still felt like things were possible. Now I feel like I've lost everything. I feel like I'm mourning honestly. I feel like the only thing I'm trying for is more time with my husband. I know that sounds dramatic, and I don't mean for it to be. I just feel...weary and lost and emotional.

One of the things that is weighing me down is feeling like I will never have children. I feel like my clock is ticking and its a countdown clock. I guess that's normal, but I feel like I've missed my chance and I don't have a contingency plan in place for the rest of my life. I feel like I've missed everything I've ever wanted and I'm terrified to want anything else. I feel like a failure in more than just weight loss, and I have so much anger and resentment and shame balled up inside about my weight that I feel like I'm just constantly holding myself back.

I know rationally that my life isn't over, but my emotional brain isn't rational, and its conditioned to hurt itself. Loss is the feeling/emotion I feel the most strongly. I'm not sure how to deal with any of it. I know I need to call someone (therapist etc) but I feel afraid. I can't really figure out why, but I do. I opened up a little to a friend about it tonight but I had to tell her I couldn't deal with the conversation. I feel like the more I show the more I actually hurt. I just lost my composure in the middle of speaking and in that moment I realized that I was less okay than I realized. I want to say that I can just deal with all of this myself, but I know that I cant. Otherwise just talking about it wouldn't have made me so sick to my stomach that I threw away more than half of my dinner.

Anyway, I'm sorry to dump all of this here for anyone who might still be reading, but god I feel like the well is so deep right now. Getting it off of my chest has to be better than smothering myself with it.

Today was a friends 30th birthday, we went to a very very nice restaurant and then a movie. I did pretty okay today.

1 serving rice pilaf
2 pieces shrimp in a fried wonton
seared ahi tuna steak
sauteed asparagus
steamed carrots
1 oz lump crab meat
1/4 cup seaweed salad
1 slice cheesecake
1 grande caramel macchiato
3 cups movie popcorn
1 can beef vegetable soup
1 cup mashed potatoes
1 serving cheese nips

I could be down as much as like 10 points for the day because I threw away maybe 2/3 of my canned soup, mashed potatoes and cheese nips.

Gym tomorrow!