Day 113

I am updating early tonight because I am not feeling well. I know, its really hard for me to believe too. I'm taking it easy and trying to continue eating right. I have a sore throat and glands, stuffed sore ears and a sinus head ache. I'm really hoping that this is everything leaving my body or perhaps the momentary hanging on of whats left. I really want it GONE for good now. Its frustrating and morale sapping!

Today (so far):
4/5 serving of chili mac: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 chocolate: 2
1 serving spaghetti: 5
2 servings sauce: 5
1 bag frozen veggies: 3
1 can mandarin oranges: 2
black bean sauce: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 26

Day 112

Today was a very busy day. No gym time, but it was only cardio today. My moms car broke down a few days ago and I have been playing taxi service since then. Today her car was ready but I had to drive over an hour in both directions to get it and this was after the errands that needed to be ran anyway. Otherwise it was a pretty okay day. My husband's birthday is tomorrow, and usually I get him some sort of gigantic themed cake and ice cream. This year we are both trying to make better choices, but I didn't want him to miss out so I bought him the most decadent cupcake I could find. I might also buy him one of those mini cups of ben and jerrys that look like the big pints, but are really tiny. All of the indulgence without all of the added inches to his thighs. I am excited about it actually, I think he will appreciate it.

I'm excited about New Years Eve. We have some friends coming over (possibly) and we are getting some normally pretty off limits (money and calorie cost) food and watching movies and playing games.

Tomorrow is a circuit day at the gym, I cant miss it.

Today:
Cup french onion soup: 5
1 apple: 1
1 medium sized salad: 5
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving apple butter: 1
1/2 bag popcorn: 2
1 chocolate: 2
1 serving ww chili mac: 4
1 slice cheese: 1
"coffee" out with the girls:
2 cups hot chocolate: 6
nachos (split between 3 people): 13
Total for the Day: 43/43

Not bad. I am feeling a little back under the weather so to speak tonight. My throat is sore and my head feels groggy. I am praying that I'm not still sick, or sick again.

Day 111

I did really well today I think. I made it to the gym, stayed within my points and have made it to midnight (now) without going to bed. I made it to the gym! I needed to repeat that. I could only do about 2/3rds of my whole workout. Usually I do an hour on the treadmill, and 3 to 4 sets on each weight machine. Today I did almost a half hour on the treadmill and 2 sets on all of my weight machines. I just feel really weak, like I have had all of my strength drained away. I felt okay this morning, but as the day wore on I found myself nodding off, and by the time I got to the gym I was developing a head ache. I did it though, and tomorrow I will go and do my bit of cardio and then Wednesday I will go and do the circuit. I will just keep going until I am back where I was a month ago.

The only bad thing (not really bad either, choices choices...) I did today was go to lunch with my brother. I traded in my french fries for a baked potato, but still had the chicken sandwich. I'm in a chaotic emotional place (it would be a lot to explain) right now. I'm dealing through it, but I still feel the need for comfort, and I'm fighting the want to turn to food. That is its own little emotional battle.

I am going to try and remember to take measurements tonight as I missed then earlier this month.

Today:
1/3 order nachos: 6
1/2 roll : 1
5 oz chicken breast: 5
1 crab cake: 2
1 small baked potato: 3
1 serving ranch: 3
2 servings monteray jack: 6
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1/2 yogurt: 1
1 serving spaghetti: 4
1 serving sauce w meat: 3
1 chocolate (again, yep.): 2
Total for the Day: 43/43

I made it! I might use some extra points later. I'm trying to save most of them for New Year's Eve. Chad and I are going to veg out at home with some Indian take out. Okay, to explain the chocolate: My husband bought me a box of chocolates for Christmas. Not a huge box or anything, but yeah. I had given him the day off on Christmas, and even though I hadn't wanted to take one originally, I did in the end because I really needed the break. Now I have this half box of very nice chocolates in my fridge. I got rid of everything else, not these. I am going to eat one every day until they are gone. Just one though. I do believe myself control is getting a lot better, I just need to get back into the habit of making the right choices all throughout my day.

Day 110

Okay! Finally! Sorry about not being here guys. I just needed some time. I was stressing so much over everything and I had so much to do. I just wasn't getting better. So I gave myself some room on Christmas, especially since I wasn't well enough to cook the whole meal myself, and I just tried to relax. Today I am kind of tired and my sleep schedule is off...but I feel so much better. I even made it to my meeting this morning, so I have official totals! Of course scales were off, but not too badly honestly. My scale at home said 361.6 a week ago, and the scale at weight watchers this morning said 363.6 which brings my total lost for the weeks missed to 10 lbs exactly, and my total so far to: 54.2 lbs! I'm pretty happy. That total alone feels like pure motivation. I can do this, I didn't give up because of a holiday or being sick. I'm sure my performance would have been better without both of those factors, but I am still moving in the right direction. Tomorrow I am making a commitment to go back to the gym. I am going to have to start out a little slower and make my way back to where I was, but I have waited long enough I think.

Also I made it to my January 1st goal of 25lbs lost! On that day I weighed 390.4 and since then I have lost 26.8lbs. My next goal is to lose another 25lbs by February 28th 2010 (9 more weigh ins)! This would bring my total lost to 79.2lbs and my weight would be 338.6. I'm stoked! I have another goal also. I want to get back below 345 which is the lowest weight I can remember seeing on the scale in the last (over) 10 years. I saw this number when I was low carbing it, and while it is less than I weigh right now, I have currently lost more weight than I ever have before on any diet.

Now this is Sunday's post, and it is very early, but I wanted to get everything straight. I may have more to say later.

Today:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blueberries: 1
1 can soup: 3
2 slices cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving mustard: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving turkey breast: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 piece chocolate (yep.): 2
1 whole sub from subway (out shopping, needed to get my points in, in a healthy way as my sleep schedule is off and bed time is now between 11 and 1 for me as opposed to 3 and 4am as it should be): 10
w cheese: 2
w lite mayo: 2
1 serving sunchips: 4
1 fiber one yogurt: 1
Total for the Day: 37/43

Eek. 6 points leftover. I will get back in the habit of making it to my points. I threw myself off when I wasn't able to make it to my points total while sick. On the plus side, my tummy seems to be back in order.

Day 109

Saturday. The last day of make up!

Day 108

Friday! Merry Christmas! Still playing catch up!

Day 107

Thursday. Playing catch up!

Day 106

I'm not skipping days or quitting I promise! I'm just feeling horrid in the mornings and evenings, and I have been so busy during the days.

This post isn't going to be long, and today's post will be made tomorrow morning when I go back downstairs so that I have my food journal to reference for what I have eaten.

Thanks for being patient!

Day 105

Yesterday I had a few errands that had to get done. I stayed in bed until I had to leave and then promptly fell to sleep (by accident) after making dinner. I am still sick. I don't really know what else to do other than wait it out. I've been to the doctor twice, taken all of my meds on time etc. I still have a fever. It's not terribly high, but it really sucks the energy out of you.

In other news, diet parade is still marching, just slowly. My food choices could be better, but I'm still within my points allowance every day and I am getting in a lot of fluids right now too. I'm not worried about all of this setting me back physically, but I was worried about it setting me back mentally. So far so good. I still want this just as badly as I did in September despite the way I'm feeling currently. Being ill might slow me down, but it isn't going to stop me. I am really excited about my weight loss, and my progress.

I hope that everyone is having an incredible holiday (even if it isn't quite here yet)! I have nothing to do today so I am staying home wrapped in blankets with the kitties!

Today:
1 can soup: 5
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
5 chicken nuggets (from home): 5
1 serving honey mustard: 1
1 serving ice cream: 3
1 cup egg nog: 8
sushi (from grocery): 8
2 homemade turkey burger patties: 6
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
pickles: 0
Total for the Day: 41/43

Day 104

I'm still sick. I found that out the hard way by overdoing it yesterday. By the time I got home I was collapsing into a puddle of uselessness, and my stomach was in revolt again. I feel better right now, but I'm going to lay off again today. I hate being down this long, I feel like I'm just being lazy and unproductive, but honestly perhaps if I don't want to be down even longer than I would I should just get more rest. for the record though, this is ridiculous.

There was no meeting yesterday so I weighed myself at home. My scale says I weigh 361.6 which would mean a loss of 2.4 lbs this week! Like I have said before, I cant be sure of the actual numbers until I get on the scale at Weight Watchers, but it is a definite downward trend. If I actually weigh 361.6 I have lost a total of 56.2 pounds.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 eggs: 4
1 serving cheese: 2
Bought out at mall, eaten as two meals 6 hours apart:
1 serving fried rice: 12
1 serving orange chicken: 10
1 vegetable spring roll: 2
1 serving sweet fire chicken: 10
Total for the Day: 41/43

Not bad, but I need to start getting my veggies back in. I'll be honest though, right now while I have been sick...they have been so unappetizing.

Day 103

Sorry the post for Saturday is coming so late! I went to sleep way early last night.

Yesterday was hard, my stomach was alternating between okay and really bad (right now it feels fine though. We did not make it out yesterday as Baltimore had a record breaking snow fall, and it wouldn't have been smart to try, though the husband is determined to go today. I'm finding this holiday season to be kind of stressful, and I hate the snow right now because it makes everything that I need do a lot harder.

This is just a quick post, a longer post will come tonight as life gets back to normal here.

Today:
1 small homemade pancake: 2
1 egg: 2
1 serving sugar free syrup: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
3 chocolate kisses (serving size: 9): 1
2 sugar cookies: 3
1 cup hot cocoa (overestimate full fat, just want to be safe): 12
2 arnolds sandwich thins: 3
1 serving nutella: 5
2 servings jam: 3
1 pack fit active cookies: 2
Total for the Day: 43/43 & 2/35

I am certainly feeling better today so I'm hoping to make burgers tonight!

Day 102

Back to the doctor today. They took blood and urine, and examined my stomach. Honestly I hate doctors visits, but I am so uncomfortable and miserable I decided it was best. If they could help me at all I wanted to know. They said it most likely isn't my gall bladder (yay) and that I will have to wait it out. They did give me something for my heart burn though, which I can take in the morning. He also told me to supplement with more fiber.

So this is going to be a short post because I want to try and go to bed or at least get comfortable. We are expecting 2 feet of snow here in Baltimore over the next day or so, we are babysitting and I'm not going anywhere.

Today:
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 5
w sauce: 3
1/2 milkshake: 9
1 slice pizza: 7
1/2 subway sub: 5
w cheese: 1
w light mayo: 1
1 serving sunchips: 4
Total for the Day: 35/43

Day 101

Alrighty! I am still here and still sick. I no longer have a fever, but my cough is pretty bad, and worse yet my stomach is still pretty bad. My biggest worry right now is that I'm not eating enough, but I think I have been trying pretty hard recently, and getting pretty close. Also, with baby sitting and all of the Christmas shopping plus grocery shopping I have to do this weekend and my roommate being sick I wont be getting much more down time this week.

I think that I am well enough to do these things, and I really hope it doesn't backfire on me. Next week is Christmas and I have so much to do! I love it, but I cant help being stressed, and that on top of being sick is kinda too much. This week also brings many stresses. I have to cook for a Christmas eve party, and then I am also cooking on Christmas day at my Mothers house. I have a pretty good plan set in place for all of that, but things happen. I keep gaining guests there so I will inevitably have to change the menu up a bit. What I was doing was healthy, but expensive. I'll be okay.

Today:
1 bowl size serving of chicken enchilada soup: 10
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving spaghetti w sauce: 7
1 (2nd) serving spaghetti with sauce: 8
w cheese: 3
1 serving ice cream: 3
Total for the Day 35/43
Leftover: 8

Its after I usually stop eating but I might ask my husband to make me a can of soup to fill out the rest of those points for tonight. I'm feeling hunger for once, and still trying to gt my system back into the groove...

Day 100

Today is Day 100! I am now celebrating the strongest commitment to weight loss that I have ever made. I made my first weight loss post here in August of this year. I called it Day Zero. I felt inspired by other bloggers and needed a support group that wasn't so involved in my day to day life. I had been hopeless, I had given up. I said I felt like a sapling planted in red clay. My body wasn't responding to any of my needs let alone wants. I couldn't aspire to anything. I was depleted of spirit. Even when I was trying, an off day was enough to make me give up. I think I had just finally had it. I needed a break from the mentality I was in, and I needed to find something that would make me want to hold on for dear life through those stumbles that I knew were going to come around eventually. Day 1 didn't happen until a month later when on a whim I decided to try Weight Watchers with my room mates. It was a golden opportunity, as it is very hard to be the only person dieting in a house of 6 people. By day 2 I knew I wanted to go to actual meetings. I struggled a bit at first with some of the new techniques involved with WW but eventually found that the program really works for me. I started exercising and before the 1st week was out, I had made it to the gym.

I found myself being incredibly honest about myself and some of the very personal aspects of weighing 417lbs, and instead of being embarrassed I found myself enlightened. My sense of self started to change and with it so did some of the aspects of this journey to lose 252lbs. I started feeling that sense of hope as the pounds and inches started coming off and the non scale victories came to the surface. Is everything easy now? No, but I am building habits that are making it easier to cope with and easier to succeed. The biggest change is that more than ever before, I actually want to make it to maintenance.

By the end of week two I had suffered a terrible loss. My grandfather who essentially raised me, passed away very suddenly. I actually do not know how I found the strength to contend with this journey, and that loss at the same time. I felt, and still feel very broken by it, and there is a part of me that I'm sure always will. I did continue though. By Sunday December 6th I had lost 44.2lbs, in just 13 weeks (Not counting the week before I started meetings when I didn't know what I weighed, and not counting this week as it was a different scale.). I have gone from someone who should have been in a size 34 to someone who can now take off their size 28's without unbuttoning them. I have gone from the woman on the bench to the woman coming in from behind. I'm still the underdog, but it's my show now! I feel better, and I feel different, and I feel like I am on the right path. I made a goal of 20-25 lbs lost by January 1st of this year and depending on this Sunday coming I really believe I am going to make it, on that day I won't celebrate with food though, as I have so often in the past. No, I am going to celebrate by setting another short term goal.

I know this is all long and disorganized but the over all journey has been an education to say the least. I am learning things about myself and the people around me. I'm learning that the world is different when you are losing weight or have lost weight. I've learned that I'm not worthless, or ugly even though sometimes I still struggle with wanting to believe that I believe because it's easier. I'm learning that self control and moderation are in fact well woven with the core meaning of learning to love myself. I have learned that my current limitations are temporary, and that I can beat them. I am learning that I don't need anyone else to do this with me. I gained 252 pounds all by myself, and while company along the way is welcome and even wished for I am learning that not having that isn't a reason to give up. I have learned that even just a little loss is enough, and that a mistep isnt failure and no reason to jump ship. I will win the whole war this time, mark my words. Even if I from here on out the battles become prolonged, I'm going to kick ass out there on the field in every single one. I am learning what it takes to actually be free, and the thing that makes me want to hold on for dear life through even the worst of times? Me.

I'm celebrating today, but the real deal comes tomorrow. I made it to the milestone, now back to the grind. The parade moves on!

Today has been better. I did get more points in, and healthier points I believe. I also tried making dinner. Thank goodness a roommate was around. Not only is my stomach still in painful revolt, but the smell of the food was bringing me pretty close to wretching. Tomorrow the goal is, get up, try it again, and laundry. I'd like to get to the gym, but I'm pretty sure that I really hurt my stomach muscles (as they are so very sore, sleeping on my belly was NOT an option until this afternoon) with coughing and mostly with trying so very frantically to pass that trapped gas on Saturday and Sunday. I'm trying to keep it light and easy right now. I'm getting better finally thought! I'm so excited I could cry for joy!

Today:
1 large salad (spinach, broc, caulif, pickles, carrots, 1/2 egg, jalapenos, bell peppers, chick peas, tomatoes, salad top, and 1 serving light ranch): 5
1 can soup: 7
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 serving ched rice crisps: 2
1 1/2 cups cooked spaghetti: 6
1 cup homemade sauce: 6
Later smaller serving:
1 cup spaghetti: 4
1/2 cup sauce: 3
1 serving light american cheese: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 39/43!

I'm only 4 off despite another bad stomach day!

Day 99

So this should be the last of the early in the evening posts. I'm getting the havoc that being sick brought onto my sleeping schedule taken care of. Hopefully today was the last of the completely horrible days.

I woke up this morning with hives on my face. Yep. I am allergic to the meds I was prescribed. So a few hours later I had new meds and more nausea. My stomach discomfort is one of the last actually debilitating things I am facing here. I'm having a hard time getting my points in (and higher point foods are what gave me my trapped gas in the first place I believe so I'm being gentle with those right now) and now my room mate is getting sick so there are no cooks in my house!

Tomorrow though I am going to get my butt up regardless and make dinner. I'm going to try a homemade spaghetti sauce. Nothing gourmet, but I forgot to buy some so...

I hope none of you think that I am happy about how I lost weight this week. I was jokingly looking for a silver lining when I said that there was always a bright side, but Retta is correct. What a hard way to earn it. I would much rather feel better and be able to get up and get some cardio in. I would love to be able to eat all of my points and not feel the need to sit next to the toilet all night. So no, I am not happy about how I lost weight, but am I happy that I did? You betcha.

Here is to a normal day at some point soon!

Today:
1 foot long turkey breast sub from subway (eaten at 3 different times during the day. I knew I wasn't going to be up to making myself food throughout the day so I got something when I was out this morning picking up my new meds. I think it was a smart move.): 10
w/cheese: 2
w/ light mayo: 2
1 baked potato w cheese: 7
1 serving bbq chicken: 13
1 serving ice cream: 3
Total for the Day: 37/43

I'm getting better! I might make it to 43 tonight. Hopefully tomorrow I can start eating more regularly with better choices.

Oh, and I had an NSV today. I am so used to taking my pants off without unbuttoning them anymore because they are way too big for me. After doing that today, I realized I was wearing my size 28's!

Day 98

I am updating early tonight because I always feel worse in the evening and I'm not sure I'm going to be up to updating later as I haven't slept since Friday night.

Today after my fever spiked again I called and got a "day of" appointment with my doctor. I have a severe sinus infection which she said is causing my fevers, seeming congestion, cough and possibly tummy discomfort. She gave me a strong antibiotic and a tetanus shot (totally didn't see that coming) and set me up with an appointment for blood work and a physical. I like her, she's clever...

Now I do have some news, but its a mixed kind of thing. I was weighed at the doctors office today as a part of routine. The scale is different, and not my meeting scale so I don't know if these numbers will hold, and I know that a lot of this has to do with the fact that I have been sick and ate practically nothing yesterday. That being said the doctors scale said that I weighed 364lbs. That, if it held until at least next week, would be a loss of 9.6lbs, and a total loss of 53.8. We will see.

There is always a bright side eh?

Today:
1/3 of a can of 1pt soup: 1
1/2 serving fat free cheddar: 1
1 baked potato with cheese (because they don't seem to make me want to vomit): 7
1 1/2 servings chili: 6
1 serving sw baked ziti: 8
1/3 nutella and jam sandwich: 2
Total for the Day: 25/43

Yeah I know the numbers aren't fantastic right now, but my stomach is still in staunch protest of most food items right now, including liquids. I'm working on it.

Day 97

So needless to say I did not make it to the meeting this morning. I was so ill last night that I was unable to get comfortable enough to fall asleep until after 7am and I was only able to sleep for two hours after that. I slept on and off constantly throughout the day until around 9pm when I woke up to find that most of the discomfort was gone! I was so relieved that I cried! I have some discomfort now but it isn't what it was, and I think I might be hungry for the first time all day.

I'm still sick, I've been sick with a cough and a slight fever (except for yesterday) and a bit of a runny nose, but it was the trapped gas that really put me out of commission. I would tell you what I ate today, but I think my points total is about 3 with a half a serving of fit active crackers and a yogurt. My husband is out getting me a baked potato though. I just could not eat today.

So now I will be back to update both days for food, after finally getting some.


Today:
1/2 pack fit active cookies: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 baked potato with cheese: 7
1 serving buffalo chicken: 13
popcorn: 4
Total for the Day: 27/44

Day 96

Okay this has been a horrible day and I'm sorry that I didn't post earlier but I have been really sick. Yesterday my fever got up to 102, and just as it started coming down I started experiencing trapped gas in my abdomen and up my chest. I have literally been miserable all night, and have gotten no sleep. I will be back to update food when I can stand to sit here.

Any tried and true remedies for trapped gas?

Day 95

Still sick, more sick in fact, so this is also going to be a short post. Sorry guys, I am so miserable right now. I'm up to consistent coughing, a head ache and chest congestion. Oh, and a sore throat.

Anyway I was still active today, there were some opportunities that I couldn't afford to miss, and I had to baby sit for a friend. Oh, the adventures of a sick babysitter babysitting sick kids. We were a mess.

Food was okay today, even though it wasn't spread out so well.

Today:
1 small chili: 4
1 baked potato with cheese: 7
4oz (or less probably) charbroiled beef: 4
2 cups rice noodles: 8
raw veggies (about a cup and a half): 0
1 serving hoisin sauce: 2
1 thai tea with boba: 5
1 can soup: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 94

So even though I have been fighting it, I'm finally sick I think. This didn't totally kill my day though. I'm just feeling progressively worse as time goes on, so short post tonight.

I woke up feeling bad this morning, but I figured it was more of the same since I had been feeling bad in the mornings for the past few days. I got up and went out to the mall with some friends and on the way there I thought that I was getting car sick. When I got out of the car I did feel a little better. Then about an hour into walking around (a lot of walking) I started to feel really bad. I stuck around so that I didn't rain on anyone else's good time since we all came in one car. After about 4 hours I went home, and the girls went to karaoke. It isn't stomach sickness (though it felt that way earlier) and my nose is fine, but my throat hurts, I'm coughing and my head hurts (which could be from the coughing.). I also feel shaky, but I don't seem to have a fever.

Today:
1 Arnold sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1/2 subway sub: 7
1 serving orange chicken from panda express: 10 (yowsa!)
1 serving steamed veggies: 0
1 serving vegetable spring rolls: 3
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar nutella: 2
1 arnold sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 laughing cow cheese wedge: 1
1 serving pickles: 0
1 bag popcorn: 5
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 banana: 2
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/22

Goodnight!

Day 93

Another long one, kinda disorganized and mostly about the state of things.

Today was a lot of fun. I was setting up the party from 1pm until 7ish when it started and it didn't end until almost midnight. The hubby and I walked after dinner though. I tried interval jogging. I am so not ready yet, but perhaps if I keep it up. I warmed up a bit first with just walking and then I tried jogging. I might have lasted 30 seconds. Now to be fair to me, I was jogging up hill and it is like 20 degrees outside with the windchill. At first I wasn't feeling bad at all, but then I had to stop. There just wasn't an in between (you know, okay - - - not okay), and I was so uncomfortable afterward that I only made it another 20 minutes just walking. I told you I wasn't going to kill myself, I was just having trouble getting my breath, my lungs hurt, and lets be honest: I weigh 373lbs. I was, if only for 30 seconds, jogging, uphill. Yeah, I'm super proud that I even tried and super disappointed that I couldn't do more. I think I am going to take it more slowly now that I know where my bar stands. I am going to try some faster walking, or power walking.

Now this is all outside of the gym because the fact of the matter is I need to go back. No matter what I do outside of the gym nothing makes me feel better than completing my circuit and getting through a week with a ton of cardio under my belt. I've been letting myself down, and I feel the need to clarify that statement: This isn't guilt. It's a mixture of anxiety about the feeling that I could be this size, health, and fitness level forever. It's about letting myself down and knowing I could have done more. I don't feel that it is the same thing. I don't feel beat down by it, I feel empowered. I know my weakness. I'm facing it now. These are the moments that will make or break me. The truth is that I quit things, a lot. I always have, and diets or lifestyle changes or shifts or whatever you want to call it, are the worst. I can think of a million things I would rather do than count points, or eat another salad or walk for over an hour at the gym. I can think of so many nights where I wanted to just eat some pizza or some chinese or something that I could eat a ton of and not have to think about. Food has been my comfort for so long. There have have been so many attempts and plans and none of them have actually addressed my issues. I'm now being forced to address them because of portion control. I am dealing with some extreme emotions and mental barriers here that are so strongly connected to food and portion control specifically. I have said things akin to this before, but I really don't believe there will ever come a day when I will be completely free from this. A big part of it is personality, I'm lazy and I hate confrontation (and after missing so much gym time that's what going back feel like for me, confrontation.). The rest of this could be a large mix, genetics, environment, and PCOS. We talked about it at the last WW meeting, but I do not see the scale or the meeting as a punishment as some members there do. I see it as a measuring stick sure (and yeah I know also to use measurements, but when 25+ people are weighing in in the space of 25 minutes for a 45 minute meeting taking measurements on each one as a form of tracking at said meeting is just a bad idea), but I also see it as a small victory. Even when I dread it, it isn't because I feel guilty about my week, its because I havent believed in myself. It's because I have to face the results of my actions very directly and specifically and my self image and worth (as you know by now) are so very connected to those numbers. Not because someone else gets to see them, I don't care if people know what I weigh, I used to though. I have anxiety because I get to see them. Anxiety may be a bad word to use also, stress would be a better descriptor. The thing is though, even after not such a great week or even a great one I feel so much relief. I haven't quit. One more day, one more week one more hour. I can go just another day. My accountability is to myself and not a group of ww members or my household or my friends. Though perhaps it is also to my husband. The food and points and exercise are all working for me. The problem is me, and my constant and relentless effort to undermine and commit self sabotage. I just have to get through it, and I know it wont be the last time I have to face myself in the mirror this way. I have given in so many times before, and I honestly think that maybe the larger part of the pie that is me wants to stick it out this time. Around me people are falling off and on and off and on, and I have to admit that this makes it so much harder, because the support structure is changing. People are no less supportive of my actual effort, but since their effort has changed I am finding that I have to make hard choices more often. It's all a test I suppose, and I'll pass. I'm sure everyone gets tired of hearing it but I really am working on the inside. I feel like for years and years I've been patching a leak in an over burdened pipe and now suddenly I've decided to actually repair it and I am dealing with a flood now. I weighed 417lbs. There is a lot of mess to wade through, and I'm not sure I can shield everyone from it, or hide the process so to speak.

I just want to keep moving forward, and I'm struggling right now. It is Day 93, and the longest I have ever stuck with anything like this, ever.

My goal for right now is to get back to the gym. One step at a time to get out of the tangle I'm in.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
2 servings white chicken chili: 15
10 meatballs: 20
2 dessert strawberries: 4
1 serving doritos: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 serving ww cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 8/30

Day 92

Today was a total bust. I was busy all day today until 5 or 6 and I got very little done while I was gone and so need to go back and do what I was doing yesterday all day tomorrow while getting ready for a party. By the time I finally got around to exercising it was sleeting outside, so no to that. I am going to do a video before bed and not beat myself up about it. I am going to try for the next few weeks to try not to let my expectations of myself get me all worked up. The fact of the matter is that I am in fact losing weight, and while I really do need to exercise I also need to take care of myself physically and mentally.

Oh the bright side I think I am going to try jogging. Wait. Don't yell at me yet. I dont mean full out running and I am not trying to hurt or punish myself or anything. I am pushing myself. I want to try interval jogging. Like 5 to 10 minutes of walking to warm up and a minute or two of jogging to start, rinse and repeat. I haven't jogged in years, but I actually feel capable right now. I catch myself every now and then jogging in the store or to the car. Nothing extravagant, but I think I am ready to try. Not on the treadmill though. Don't worry though, I'll be careful.

Since I have to take the car tomorrow anyway (we have been trying to go really easy on her since she was fixed so I haven't had access to her for a while) I am determined to go to the gym by myself. I can go through a circuit and some cardio and then maybe the day after it wont be so hard to get myself motivated. I really need to get back into the habit.

Also, off topic completely, can I just say that I love this season so very much!

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
3 pieces gyoza: 3
Sushi: 15
1 can soup: 3
2 slices cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 banana: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 serving white chicken chili: 7
1 cup ice cream: 5
1 bag popcorn: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44 and 5/35

Day 91

Today was good. I had no car, and was ditched out on for the gym at the last minute, but I got a lot of walking, and I got the rest I needed last night. I have a lot to do tomorrow, but I can't stop trying to get there! My food is good and getting better, and I'm feeling some of the stress I have been feeling dissipate. I was feeling so heavy, and it got a little worse yesterday, but today has been good for me so far. I feel like I have been working a lot on the inside recently. I have been facing a lot of struggles and walls and so far so good. I'm learning so much about myself, and I am making choices that reflect that. I feel like I control my food instead of it controlling me. That is a pretty nice achievement. Not that I will always be perfect, but it gets easier every single day.

In any case this is a short post because I have a long day tomorrow and need to go to bed.

Today:
2 cups light canned fruit: 3
1 can soup: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1/2 turkey sub (subway) with cheese and light mayo: 7
1 serving sunchips: 3
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 can soup: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 cup ice cream: 5
1 pizza bagel: 5
Total for the Day: 40/44

Day 90

Short post time! Just popping in to give a short update. I slept badly last night and have been busy today so my bed is calling me softly with it's song.

I now weigh 373.6, so I lost 0.6lbs this week! I am so relieved! Still, I need to do better and strive for more. I'm becoming okay with the process, but I don't see anything wrong with shooting high and long as I can handle misses...and I feel that I can. Or rather perhaps I am getting better at it. I shared my anxiety today at the meeting that I was so sure I wasn't going to stay for. It was a really bad morning. When I got there I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't going to stay, but when I saw the other members there I couldn't make myself leave. They have been so incredibly supportive and welcoming, and they pay attention! It's amazing how they remember things you said about yourself 3 meetings ago, and they follow up and make connections. I love it and I am so glad I joined. I stayed today and I talked about my issues, and I feel so much better. I met today and its wall and I climbed it. I've almost surmounted the first of my little fortress's five walls (50 lbs each).

Today:
1 cup light canned fruit: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice crisps: 2
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 8 (actually think that this is 5 or 6, will re check tomorrow)
1 small chili: 4
less than 1/3 bag light popcorn: 2
Dinner w/friends:
about 3 oz pork tenderloin w tery. sauce: 4
huge serving roasted veggies: 0
1 small corn on the cob w/ butter: 3
small dinner roll: 2
1/2 slice chocolate braid: 4
1 bag popcorn: 5
Total for the Day: 41/44
Leftover: 3

Again not worried about the leftovers, might have a snack before bed actually and break that rule this once. This week will be all about the exercise!

Day 89

11 days until 100! This has been a strange day. I feel much better emotionally but I don't think I am going to do well tomorrow at weigh in. It is going to take a whole lot of will, but I am still going to go and face that scale tomorrow. Ugh, I hate feeling this way! I know that I wont lose every single week, but I can't help wanting to. I also know that gaining one week out of so many doesn't say anything about my effort or my self worth but I feel like they are so connected! Facing the scale even when I have had a good feeling week is hard. Feeling like I'm already doomed is the worst.

I'll perk up though, soon enough. I have a lot to do this month. The only day next week that I wont make it to the gym is going to be Wednesday as I am co-hosting a party. My goal for next Sunday's weigh in: 4lbs! Wish me luck for tomorrow anyway!

Today:
1 cup cooked oatmeal: 2
1/2 cup blueberries: 1
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 bag light popcorn: 5
1 char-grilled chicken salad from Chick-fil-a: 5
1 serving fat free honey mustard: 1
1 char-grilled chicken sandwich: 5
1/2 serving bbq sauce: 1
1/2 small peppermint chocolate chip milk shake: 8
Total for the Day: 29/44
Leftover: 15

Actually I think I made better food choices today, so that's one thing. I'm also not terribly upset about the leftover points as it doesn't happen very often anymore.

Day 88

Today was again, so much better than Wednesday and before. I didn't have a car, and my mom who usually goes with me was out of town so I didn't go to the gym. I did however exercise. I walked 2 miles tonight in under an hour, and half of it was uphill. I am so incredibly proud of myself right now. I did so well! Tomorrow night I will try to do something more. I haven't used the weight bench yet, it sort of intimidates me*. I'm not too worried, I should be getting back to the gym and the weight circuit when my mom is back, on Wednesday. Until then I feel pretty good about what I am accomplishing. I weigh 374lbs and I walked 2 miles uphill, flat, and down hill, in under an hour. I think I might call that an NSV because honestly 6 months ago I'd have flat outf said no to a walk like that and whats more...I wouldn't have made it.

Something I do think that I need to get under control though are my eating habits. Not my points. I stay within my points so I'm not actually doing anything wrong. I don't eat enough during the day and end up having too many points at night after dinner. Now, this hasn't really been a forever problem, mostly in the last week or so, and I just haven't taken steps to correct it yet. So starting tomorrow I'm going to try and get more points in during the day. Normally I eat 5 or 6 times a day, recently I have been eating 3 or 4 times a day. I'm also going to get back to eating oatmeal or something more breakfasty in the mornings. I'm still good on the rest of my rules. I don't eat after 2am, and I don't eat after 11 on Saturdays etc.

All of that being said I am not looking forward to Sunday's weigh in. I know, I never am. I feel like I haven't been as diligent about my points this week. I don't feel that I have gone over or past my points, but I have this feeling I'm going to see one of three things: a slight loss, a maintain, or a gain. Ah well, no one goes though life without any lemons.

*Just a clarification: When I say that the weight bench intimidates me I only mean that I'm not quite sure how to utilize it. I lift weights all of the time at the gym but using the weight machines and not free weights. The weight bench in my basement is all free weights. No worries!

Today:
1 can soup: 5
2 thin slices light american cheese: 2
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 bag frozen mixed veggies(this is how I have been getting in my veggies this week!): 0
1/2 of an orange: 1
1 serving soy sauce: 1
1 serving black bean sauce: 1
1 1/2 cups brown rice: 6
HUGE serving spinach: 0
1 serving fat free cheese: 1
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 ww quesadilla: 4
1/3 cup ww cheese: 2
1 baked potato (large): 7
2 slices light american cheese: 2
1 cup light chili: 4
1 ww frozen meal: 4
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/35

Again, way, way too much cheese. Gotta lay off!

Day 87

Wow, I am posting so early tonight. It might be because I finally feel better. You know what cured me? I walked 2.5 miles at the track tonight. I felt so much better when it was over even though it was a tough walk. The treadmill is so much easier than a real walk. However, all of the work I have done on the treadmill has given me so much. I couldn't walk a single mile on the track before I started using the treadmill regularly. My stamina has increased a whole lot. So, don't think that I don't respect that machine, because I seriously seriously do. Anyway, 2.5 miles and less depression! The only issue that I am having today is that suddenly after dinner I am having a tummy ache! I'm only at 28 points, but I cant really imagine getting anything in right now. So I'm going to take some pepto and wait a bit. Maybe I'll have a nutella and jam sandwich before bed.

So I have some events coming up where food is going to be openly available. I am co-hosting a party with a friend, and so I get to make some of the food available. I was thinking of making the meatballs that I made a while back. They end up making a pretty nice appetizer. The second event is a Christmas baking event. I'm not terribly worried about that as I don't particularly love cookies (I'll be making truffles. I am still looking for a recipe). Then we get to Christmas. I found a recipe for cranberry orange glazed ham on the WW web site. I could serve that with baked yams and a light green bean casserole. That way, no one would really feel like they were missing anything, and I wouldn't have to worry about not knowing the points of everything I am going to be eating. Dessert for me (at least) is going to be light homemade pumpkin pie. I'm excited. My family is very supportive and they know that I am going to be cooking "light" for dinner that night. I just want to make them happy.

I don't really fear pit falls anymore. I'm not afraid that I will make bad choices and more importantly I know that if I do make one or two less healthy choices that they can be overcome, and don't necessarily mean a gain that week. Life doesn't change just because I want it to, and honestly I need to realize that. There will always be something that I probably shouldn't eat. I can't force my eating habits on the world. So I will just have to stay strong.

All of you are so amazing in your journeys. Your honestly, you losses, and even your gains are inspiring. I look forward to reading your words even when I don't comment. Thank you all so much for supporting me.

Today:
4oz chicken breast: 4
1 serving steamed veggies: 0
1 serving light honey mustard: 1
1 can soup: 3
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 yogurt: 2
Spinach: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving salad top: 1
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 serving light cheese: 1
1 banana: 2
1 cup chinese pineapple chicken: 5
1 cup rice: 4
1 cup steamed broccoli: 0
1 cup (3 hours later) chinese p. chicken: 5
1 cup rice: 4
popcorn: 5
1 ww mini bar: 1
Total for the Day: 43/44

I cured my slump!

Day 86

Just a short post tonight as it's actually pretty close to bedtime here.

I've been struggling this week, with so many different issues. A little laziness, a little depression and anxiety. I want to apologize for how down I have been. I've really been thinking through my issues and I still feel positive about this journey. I haven't lapsed back into old habits, and I don't plan to. I am changing, inside and out, and that is hard. It takes its toll emotionally and physically. I'm learning how to deal with that at the same time that I am dealing with life. It isn't supposed it be easy! That is what I keep telling myself. These past 86 days I have been raw and honest and ashamed and proud and awakened. Losing weight is more than just physically hard. This week I have been thinking so much about my expectations of myself at a healthy weight. I have so much fear about that, and it's so far off. Or maybe not, who knows how long it is going to take. I never thought that I would be afraid of being thin, but I am. Once I lose this weight I cant blame anything on being "fat" anymore. Infertility, laziness (which I always knew was personality based in any case...), self image, and so much more. I'm sure that there will be things that I have to face and untangle for myself. Perhaps many of my issues will be alleviated, but if they arent I haven't quite figured out what to do next. I'm looking too far down the possible paths I think. However, on a positive note, I said "once I lose" and not "if". I'm getting there.

Today:
1 small salad; 3
1 can soup: 7
1 sandwich thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 yogurt: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 serving fat free cheese: 1
1 serving pizza sauce: 1
1 banana: 2
4oz chicken: 4
1 large serving steamed veggies: 0
1 serving stovetop: 4
1 serving honey mustard: 1
1 cup ice cream: 5
popcorn: 5
1 yogurt: 2
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

Day 85

Just 15 more days until I make 100 days on diet parade! This has been a really off two weeks. My car died (again) Thanksgiving rolled around, bills and such were more than expected, and I kind of injured myself didn't I?

I started to type out this gigantic post about how I'm feeling about everything in my life right now, but I deleted it. It just isn't that important. I'm sure that when I look back at this years from now I wont have any trouble reliving the stresses I feel, but what I want to remember the most is the journey. Pure and simple. The fact of the matter is that outside of marrying my husband this is (and I know I have said this before too) the single most important thing I have ever done. Everything hinges on this. I'm standing at a fork in the road and I get to make a choice to either succumb to outside influences or just keep on trucking. I'm going to get to stand at similar forks in the road over and over again in my life. I feel like the right choice is always going to be the right choice, and if I want to live my life I have to choose it. I know that this sounds dramatic but I feel like to choose differently would literally be to choose death. I'd be condemning myself to a very confined life with a finite number of paths and limited choices. So I'll take my few days off (exercise only) and get moving again no matter how much I don't want to, and the longer I wait the harder it is I'm sure.

Time to relight my fire over here. I'm going to kill this demon and stop chipping away at my self worth.

Today:
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
2 slices turkey bacon: 3
1 can soup: 5
1 serving spinach: 0
1 serving light ranch: 2
1 serving pickles: 0
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 serving fat free cheddar: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
2 1/2 servings (weight watchers recipe) chili (wanted to get my points in, there was extra, some spread out): 12
Corn bread: 6
Cheese: 4
1 cup ice cream: 5
Total for the day: 44/44

Wow, do I ever need to lay off of the cheese?! Tomorrow I also need to work on more veggies, and finally some exercise!

Day 84

So, I'm still in pain, but it feels like its getting better, I just really need to not re injure it in the next two days or so. I don't want to start the healing process all over again. I think I set myself back a little today by putting on a bra. I needed to go to the grocery store, so tomorrow I might try doing some at home walking or perhaps just some walking through the neighborhood without a bra. I always feel weird about that though. I just don't want to stop moving, and since the room mate left his weights here I might try a little free weight lifting as well. Well, as long as the movements don't cause ripping. Ouch. I was going to sell his weight bench, but now I think I might keep it and use the thing on days I cant get to the gym, that way I wont ever miss a whole circuit.

Greg posted a little chart with weight lost so far and it was cool to see the progress all together that way, I figured I would post one too for motivation!

w01 Sept. 13, 09 (start): 417.8
w02 Sept. 20, 09: 411 (-6.8)
w03 Sept. 27, 09: 408.4 (-2.6)
w04 Oct. 4, 09: 399.2 (-9.2)
w05 Oct. 11, 09: 398.8 (-0.4)
w06 Oct. 18, 09: 393.2 (-5.6) 5%!
w07 Oct. 25, 09: 390.4 (-2.8)
w08 Nov. 01, 09: 385.2 (-5.2)
w09 Nov. 08, 09: IN VA MISSED
w10 Nov. 15, 09: 381.8 (-3.4)
w11 Nov. 22, 09: 377.8 (-4.0)
w12 Nov. 29, 09: 374.2 (-3.6) 10%!
Total Loss: 43.6

Not too shabby! I am also not doing anything out of the ordinary. I am following the rules, eating all of my points and exercising most of the time. I'm eating better and feeling better without killing myself over here. I'm really proud of myself and everyone else trying to get to a similar place. You guys can do this.

Today:
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 6 inch sub from subway: 5
plus cheese: 1
plus light mayo: 1
1 serving sun chips: 3
1 can soup: 3
1 slice light american cheese: 1
1 serving spaghetti: 4
1 serving sauce: 4
1 bagel: 2
1 serving cheese: 2
1 serving pizza sauce: 1
1 bag frozen veggies: 0
1/2 serving noodles: 2
1/4th cup kung pao sauce: 4
Total for the Day: 39/44

Day 83

I lost 3.6 lbs this week! That brings my total to 43.6lbs lost and runs me right past my 10% goal! I have also already lost 16.2 of the 20-25lbs that I said I wanted to lose by January 1st 2010 (see Day: 48). My new short term goal is to lose 24.2 lbs which will put me at 350 lbs. Right now I weigh 374.2.

Currently I have lost more weight than ever before on any diet.

I am making this post early so that I can have some time with my husband tonight. I've had a pretty bad day. I was moody and tired and I spend much of the day picking nonsensical fights with my husband. After my meeting I came home and went to bed having only eaten a WW mini bar because I was just being a total tyrant and I needed to chill out. I woke up around 4 and went to the movies with friends so my first full meal was popcorn. Yeah I know. Oh, and the other reason that I had a horrible day is somewhat personal. I have a skin condition under my breasts and sometimes they get really dry underneath and today the skin sort of tore or abraded. God, but that is one of the most painful things. It has happened before, so I can deal with it, but it has been fueling my bad mood for most of the day. That kind of thing also drives me so hard to lose weight. Its so uncomfortable. If the girls (boobs) don't shrink a little then I might go ahead and have a breast reduction when I am through the weight loss portion of the journey. I need the area under them to have the time and air flow to heal once and for all. This particular issue effects my self image so dramatically. I feel unclean and ugly. I can not wait for it to be gone! I can not wait to not want to cry every single time I put on a bra.

There is just so much to look forward to, so many things that I cant think of them all just sitting here. Already things have gotten easier. I can reach places on my body that were almost impossible before, and movie theater seats aren't quite as uncomfortable anymore. Those are only the most recent. Every week or so I get some new discovery. I love it, and it keeps me motivated. I want more, and honestly I need more. I need this in my life, proving to me constantly that it's worth the struggle. All of my life, my emotions and all of the shame and pain I have felt for so long are going to add up to a drive, self worth and will that were forged from steel. Eventually perhaps I'll be able to thread that steel further into my life. I truly believe that this journey is going to make me a better person, and not just on the outside. Each brick that I remove from my fortress provides more illumination into exactly who I am, and who I could be.

Today:
1 ww mini bar: 1
popcorn without butter at the movie theatre: 10pts
2 cups cooked pasta (shells): 7
2 servings pasta sauce: 3
3 oz chicken breast cooked and 1 oz sausage cooked: 5
1 small piece garlic bread: 4
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving meat sauce: 6
1 serving cheese: 2
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 serving ice cream: 2
Total for the Day: 42/44

WW online says I still have 44 points, I have to lose 4.2 more lbs before I can lose a daily point! Is it sad that I am actually excited about that?

Day 82

Today was a slow and relaxing day for the most part. I feel more relaxed than I did a few days ago. I am looking forward to Christmas actually. I like the distraction. Its an automatic reason to be joyful and thankful and even excited. Yes, Christmas still excites me even as an adult. I'm hoping to handle Christmas the same way that I handled Thanksgiving. I'm going to have a great time and enjoy the traditions (food, presents etc) but not lose sight of my ultimate goals. I also don't want to put myself in a bad position mentally. I want to come through the rest of the Holidays guilt free. I will be cooking the whole meal on Christmas day, unlike Thanksgiving. I am going to try and plan out a Weight Watchers friendly meal, and dessert, while also trying to stay traditional to keep my family happy. I don't think they will know the difference honestly. Maybe I'll post some of my ideas here this week for some feedback.

My husband has asked about being allowed to have candy on Christmas this year. I told him that it wouldn't bother me. You have to understand how good he has been to understand my reasoning. Since we have gone on Weight Watchers he has stayed on plan, and never fallen off. Before weight watchers he ate candy every single day. That is not an exaggeration. Every night he brought home starburst or sour patch kids or something equally sugary. He honestly just loves candy, so does his father for that matter, Since we started counting points he hasn't binged on candy or asked for any, or complained about not having any. I really only like specific candy and so I don't feel that his having some on Christmas is going to affect me, and I trust him when he says just for the day. His journey is his own after all and he seems to be succeeding.

I wonder if there will ever be a day when my instincts switch over to eating just enough to be satisfied. Will there ever be a day when I can bring home a cheesecake and have just a slice, or none at all? Will I ever be able to go into a chinese food buffet and not over do it? More importantly will I ever accomplish these feats without thinking about it constantly? I certainly hope so. That will be one of the single most freeing days of my life I think.

Back to the gym Monday. Same goals as the week before last! Going for another 4 lbs! Also, my weigh in is tomorrow. I would be lying if I said I didn't hope to lose weight with all of my heart and soul, and I would be lying if I said I gave it my all this past week. I've been distracted and busy. Thus is the journey. I have a feeling if it was really easy it might not be worth doing, even though that sounds kinda funny. While my weight loss might not make a great showing I still feel as though the work I am doing on myself inside is making a major difference. I know that I am doing well, and will be trying to keep that in the front of my mind all day tomorrow. I would be pleased as punch to have just maintained tomorrow morning. Wish me luck!

Today:
Large (rather huge) salad: 6
3 tbsp light ranch: 3
1 can soup: 3
2 servings cheddar rice cakes: 5
1 serving cheese: 3
1 bowl of baked potato soup: 12
1 cup ice cream: 6
2 bites of second salad: 2
Total for the Day: 40/44
Leftover: 4

Day 81

This is going to be long and a little disorganized.

Yesterday was wonderful, but oh so long. I did go over my daily points, but I planned for that (or rather expected to) and had all of my weekly points to spare. Today was not so great. I didn't get a chance to eat until around 5pm and that ended up being a yogurt. I took care of my points later, but I didn't really binge on them which is also a step in the correct direction.

I'm pretty proud of myself for yesterday. I didn't kill myself over it, but I kept my diet and my points in mind all day. I also busted my butt all day yesterday and the day before, so honestly even without a gym I know I was burning calories. Today I am still completely exhausted and moody (which happens when I'm overtired.). We are pretty much out of groceries here because I manged to bring nothing home from Thanksgiving! I am pretty excited about that. I was able for once to just let it all go. It didn't matter more to me than feeling better for once in my life. This week has been crazy, and I'm sure I wont make a great showing (or any showing maybe) on Sunday when I get on that scale, but as of right now I have defeated Thanksgiving. I'm past the hump and still on parade. I managed to indulge and not crash my marching band into a tar pit. However, that still means we have no real food here. My husband (who is currently stringing lights onto a Christmas tree) took me out to dinner tonight for sushi. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get around to surveying the cupboards and making a grocery list.

I don't know how many of you (out of anyone who reads or ever will read this) feel like you can't get a hold on your diet or lifestyle change after something like Thanksgiving, but I'm sure there are a few of you. I'm saying this as much for myself as any of you: First, breathe. When that's done, eat something healthy. Go for a walk, and if you cant, then do some sit down exercises. A lot of times actions help me to reinforce or even change my thought patterns. If I am feeling low and I want to quit or I feel completely miserable I go to the gym. Even if I didn't want to go I feel better coming out. I feel like I get an inch ahead of the game. The feeling is like catching up on all of your missed homework. It's relief. So breathe, think, do, and forgive yourself. It was one day, and no matter how badly you did you will be okay. Dont let it change your coarse. I cant let it change mine.

I have also in the last few days found that people can not stand it when you refuse food. I do not know how many times I was asked about taking pie or cake or whatever home. I say "I cant eat that" and people get all uptight when you tell them you are on a diet. They roll their eyes and click their tongues in that "knowing" way. It isn't one day anymore when I take the day home to enjoy tomorrow! I'm not perfect. I made 5 cheesecake for the big feast and didn't bring a single slice home. I make good cheesecake. So good in fact that I might have found myself going at it in front of the tv at 2am with a spoon in a fit of boredom or discontentment or whatever! Perhaps someday I will be able to tackle that monster, but as I have said before: I know myself. Even if I could (and I probably could too) exercise complete self control, I don't want to be tempted. There is enough in everyday normal life for me to wrestle with here. Physically and emotionally. I just do not love food more than myself anymore. It isn't my coping mechanism, and it certainly doesn't make me feel better. I refused something on Wednesday before Thanksgiving while cooking with friends who know I am on a diet. They of course asked why, and I told them that it was too many points. One of them responded quite irritatedly with "And you are going to eat like 4 million points tomorrow so just shut up and enjoy it." Yeah, I get it. No one wants to count points on a Holiday. No one wants to be reminded that what they are eating is too much or bad for them or anything. I get it. So then stop asking why! I didn't go from table to table making sure everyone wasn't overeating, but do you know how many people came to make sure I was? It was infuriating. I know they mean well. They want me to have a good time too, and I guess they also associate food with general enjoyment. It comes down to more than the moment for me. I know that if I totally blow one day no matter how prepared I make myself to just let it go, that I cant. I'll analyze it and agonize over it and beat myself up.

2 years from now, I want to be healthy. I want to be in a size 12-14 and on my way to doing all of the things I have never been able to do before. I want to be fit enough to give birth, ride a roller coaster and dance (I'll be brave enough to learn then!) with my husband until dawn. When I am 70 years old, I want to be able to walk through the grocery store. I want to be able to sit on my front porch with Chad. I just want to be able.

Then I'll take some cheesecake home. I promise.

Today:
1 yogurt: 2
Sushi: 15
3 pieces gyoza: 3
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 slice light pie: 5
1 serving dip: 6
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 2
1 bagel: 2
1 veggie burger: 3
1 serving icecream: 3
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 80

Today was actually easier than I thought it would be. By the time dinner rolled around I had been smelling food and cooking for so long that I wasn't hungry. I have been up since 7 AM and I will total my points tomorrow.

I hope that you all had a successful Thanksgiving.

Food update to come tomorrow.

Day 79

So I just finished prepping the stuff I am cooking tomorrow, and cooking what I could today. It is now 3am, and I have to be at the hall we rented by 8am. As such this is going to be the shortest post ever. I did not make it to my points total today, but I'm not terribly worried about it. I have been making it most every day these days.

I will update tomorrow even though it is a Holiday, but it will be pretty late.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 ww yogurt: 1
bites Alex's lunch: 1
1 bag light popcorn: 5
1 grilled chicken sandwich: 7
1 serving bbq: 1
1 baked potato w/ cheese: 6
1 small chili: 4
Total for the Day: 28/44
Leftover: 16

Day 78

And so it begins. The Holiday countdown and complete chaos. I did not make it to the gym today, but I was seriously on my feet and walking from 1 this afternoon until just after 1am when I walked through my front door. This is the first day since I started feeling better physically that I actually hurt. My feet and my legs and my lower back. UGH. I don't know if the gym is an option tomorrow since I am cooking pretty much from when I get up until very late. I'm hoping that I can get most of everything done by 7pm and go anyway. Today I don't feel any shame though. I have been moving, all day. I do miss the strength training though.

Today was a really long day and so this is short, and sweet and to the point. I'm still with this, and I plan to stay. Thanksgiving is Thursday and its going to be a test, but I think I can pass. Even if I mess up a little the journey moves on, and I cant quit. I've come too far.

Today:
1 serving jambalaya: 7
1 yogurt: 1
samples in Sams Club: 4
Spinach: 0
pickles: 0
1/8th cup chick peas: 1
1 serving ranch: 2
1/2 egg: 1
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 turkey wing: 5
1 can soup: 3
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 1/2 serving light kung pao chicken: 16
2 cups steamed green beans: 0
Total for the Day: 42/44

Day 77

Now, after ignoring the fact that my kitchen is a bloody mess you will notice that picture number 1 (40 lbs lost) isn't really the same as picture number 2 (20 lbs lost). The camera was further away etc. I know that I have lost weight, but I honestly can not see it. At all. I'm not saying that I am doing terribly, I know that I am doing well, I can feel the weight loss. Maybe I have some sort of mental block thing going on but I can't see it, and I have to admit that is a little discouraging.

Today was an off day, not off plan though. I stayed home and did nothing today. It felt pretty good, though I felt guilty for not going to the gym. I am going to the gym tomorrow before some extra Thanksgiving grocery shopping. I did not do a full grocery shop for the house this week either. Its going to be a cleansing week for our fridge, and our cooking is going to become quite creative I imagine as we use though all of our leftover groceries. It gets a little harder here around lunch time for me though because there isn't anything easy or anything that doesn't need to be thawed before it can be cooked. Excuses huh? I really could just plan ahead, and I should, so I think that I will.

Tomorrow starts a new week! It was been 10 weeks since I started Weight Watchers, and 11 weeks total on diet parade! I have learned that I can in fact effect my weight loss directly, and that while my body isn't always going to listen to me, I do have some power here. I have also learned that no matter how much we plan things can always go wrong and lets be honest...they usually do. I can make better choices. No, going to the Golden Corral twice last week (once unplanned) wasn't a good choice, but it doesn't specifically have to be a bad one either. Oh, and a big one: I have learned not to let myself get to comfortable here! I think I will be reminding myself of this quite often, but as I get more relaxed about diet parade I tend to slow down a bit, and become less diligent about counting my steps. This is too important to guess at or estimate, or give a just "par" performance for. I need to keep up!

So a huge YES to the gym tomorrow, and better food choices and staying alert on the journey. Thursday is the next big hurdle and as much as I want to hide under the covers until Friday morning I am going to cook, eat and have a great time. I need to come up with that red yarn bracelet, or tuck away a motivating image I can look at when I'm feeling vulnerable. I don't want to take back 11 weeks and let one day become a horrendous month long train wreck. I cant let that happen, and so I wont.

Today:
1 can soup: 3
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving rice cakes: 2
1 serving sriacha: 0
1 arnolds sand thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1/2 serving bbq soy crisps: 1
1 ww yogurt: 1
1 banana: 2
Huge serving steamed broccoli: 0
1/3 cup steamed potato: 1
1 serving cheese: 3
1 serving honey mustard: 1
1/2 serving light ranch: 1
1 bagel: 2
1 serving turkey breast: 2
1 serving pickles: 0
1 yogurt: 2
1 chicken nugget: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
2 servings WW Chicken Jambalaya: 16
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 1/32

Day 76

So today was mixed! I weighed in today and lost 4lbs exactly! 1 pound shy of my goal for the week, but I still think that I did really well. This brings my total loss to 40lbs and my current weight is: 377.8. I promised new progress pictures at 40lbs, but I am so tired tonight, I will get them done in the morning.

Another NSV! I was going to dinner at Chad's aunt's house, and I could not for the life of me find anything I felt confident wearing. On a whim I decided to pull out the pants I bought back in March before going to New Orleans. I had been shopping for the trip, but had found the awesome pants on sale. When they didn't fit (they were 28s, not stretchy and I was almost in a 34) I bought them anyway. I told myself that as soon as the trip was over I was going to work to fit into those pants. It took my a while...but I got into them today! They arent tight either, they fit pretty perfectly! I'm pretty happy about that. I feel like it was a positive day.

Then the food. So today we finally let go of one of my grandfathers largest belongings today. The hospital bed. That was really hard, and I didn't see it coming. I have been concentrating so hard on making sure that my mother was ready and okay with it leaving (we gave it to a friend whose grandmother is in great need of it) that I never stopped to prepare myself to watch it go. Afterward the family who received the bed treated us to lunch...at the Golden Corral. That's right, twice in two days. No excuses, I didn't do too badly, and I got a ton of veggies in. Dinner at Aunt in law's house was pot roast, roasted potatoes and carrots, and steamed green beans. Not too bad right? His aunt has multiple sclerosis, and its advanced enough that her hands shake badly and she cant walk, but the woman baked a lemon cake from scratch. Yeah, I caved to guilt food. I don't feel too bad about it because I only had a small slice and there wasn't much icing, it was drizzled. Still my choices for the day could have been better.

Last night I was thinking about the last thing that my grandfather said to me before he died. I was there to pick my brother up, and he asked me when I was going to get around to having kids. Not in those exact words, but it still sliced right into me. I was irritated at the time and I left with him knowing it I'm sure. This is a two fold issue. I'm incredibly sad that I never had a chance to say anything else, but I'm equally if not more crushed that I never got to show him a great grandchild. He knows I love him. One more opportunity lost, one more door closed by my weight and how hopeless I felt. I feel like I have this period of my life that has just been stolen from me, but nothing was stolen I was just trapped! I was lost within that trap. I have been trying all of my life to find that magic reason or motivator that would be the difference between me failing and me making it and the missing piece of the puzzle was me. I was reading about another blogger who also feels like he has changed so much. I feel like if I could have read this a year ago I'd have laughed out loud in my own face. I did not feel like losing weight was a possibility for me anymore, I didn't want anything anymore. Now, with so much lost I feel like I need to hold on that much tighter to the things I could still have. I feel like I have options again, though I have to admit that in the first two weeks I had some serious doubts about this going anywhere. I am still amazed every single week at every single weigh in and with every NSV and good choice. I'm so proud of myself and I feel so awake inside. I feel real hope here, even though it still scares the size 28 pants off of me to feel hope at all.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 egg: 2
2 oz skillet steak: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
Huge serving spinach: 0
2 beat slices: 0
carrots: 0
1 green bell pepper ring: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
1/2 egg: 1
1/4th cup cheddar cheese: 2
pickles: 0
3 tbsp ranch: 4
1 serving meat loaf: 3
1/2 baked yam: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 serving steamed cauliflower: 0
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 serving bourbon chicken: 3
1/2 cup mashed potatoes: 3
1/2th cup (literally just a taste) corn bread stuffing: 4
1 serving habanero shrimp: 4
1 serving beef pot roast: 6
1 serving roasted potatoes and carrots: 4
1 serving steamed green beans: 0
1 slice lemon cake (argh): 5
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 3/35

Yeah I used 3 extra points tonight. I'm not really upset about it. Part of this is learning how to be good to yourself right? I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff when everything else is going smoothly.

Day 75

Let me just start out by saying that my mother decided to go to the gym at 7am. Uh, no. No matter how much I want it I can not get up that early. That is 3 or less (sometimes) hours after my bedtime. It wasn't really her fault or anything, it was bad communication. Obviously we have different definitions of "early". Its alright though, I was out and about all day and I did get in some cardio. It was not as intense as at the gym, but I was moving today. I'm satisfied with my week. I dont think I can set goals as high this week coming as I am going to be involved in the Holiday all week. I'd still like to make it to the gym 4 times this week coming, but I will talk more about that after tomorrows weigh in.

I went to the Golden Corral today. It really wasn't that hard. I mean, honestly it isn't the place I would chose for a meal every week, but their food isn't really all that high in points. I had 3 plates over the coarse of about 2 1/2 hours. First I had a huge salad, the only downside was no low fat or fat free dressing. Then two modest sized plates filled with mostly steamed veggies (a little bit of butter in the steaming I think, but not enough to hurt me). For dessert I had 3 cookies. Not bad at all, and i still managed to stop eating by 11pm.

In any case my weigh in is tomorrow morning, and I have a long day after. I really want to do well, and so I am putting myself to bed right after this post.

Wish me luck! I want 5lbs lost, but I will take anything. A loss is still a win!

Today:
1 small chili: 4
1 baked potato w/cheese: 8
1 yogurt: 2
Huge serving spinach: 0
2 beat slices: 0
carrots: 0
1 green bell pepper ring: 0
broccoli: 0
cauliflower: 0
1/2 egg: 1
1/4th cup cheddar cheese: 2
3 tbsp ranch: 4
1 serving meat loaf: 3
1/4th cup sweet potato casserole (unsure, not listed on site, so counted high): 4
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 serving steamed cauliflower: 0
1 serving steamed carrots: 0
1 serving bourbon chicken: 3
1/2 (probably less) red bliss potato, steamed: 3
1/8th cup (literally just a taste) corn bread stuffing: 1
3 slices pear: 0
3 tiny pieces (would have fit into a tablespoon) shrimp: 1
2 pieces boneless buffalo chicken: 2
1 bite moms burger: 2
3 cookies: 6
Total for the Day: 44/44

Whew! Just made it!

Day 74

So today was not so great! I did not make it to the gym. I have to tell you that I had a hard time knowing that I had to post that sentence. Part of me feels like I have failed, and part of me knows that I didn't. First of all, I have already made plans to go with my mother early in the morning, and second of all I went for 4 days! I did 240 minutes of cardio, and two days of my circuit with an extra machine, most machines at 3 sets. I did get some sunlight, and I stayed within my points! I feel really good about my week, and hopefully Monday night before my new week begins I will be able to post the things that I have learned.

So onto the why I didn't go to the gym today. I was out running some pretty essential errands when my car decided that she was done. We didn't break down, but I'm not certain that we wouldn't have had I not already been on my way home. It was overheating pretty badly, and I had to park it until Chad's father or someone can look at it. Now yes, I could have gotten there in my mothers car with her but I was just so done at that point. I don't know if there is anything more stressful in the moment than your car giving out. I honestly needed the break, and so I took it.

Today:
1 bagel: 2
1 slice turkey bacon: 1
1 egg: 2
1 slice cheese: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 egg roll: 3
1 serving honey mustard: 1
3 hand fulls light popcorn: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
2 oz (measured raw) lean skillet steak: 2
1 laughing cow cheese wedge: 1
1 serving honey mustard(am obsessed with the stuff): 1
spinach: 0
1 serving mexican chicken salad: 7
Second serving: 8
Serving ranch dressing: 2
1 ww mini bar: 1
Total for the Day: 37/44
Leftover: 7

I will probably update later to add some points.

Day 73

So today was very stressful. I did so much running that until after my husband was home I had only been home for like 2 hours tops all day long. I made it back to the gym and I did 1.84 miles on the treadmill in about 45 minutes. Then I got in 15 more minutes of brisk walking at the airport looking for a friend. So I got my 60 minutes in today fair and square. I have another 60 to go tomorrow and I will be officially at goal!

I have some worries for the weekend ahead though. Chad's father wants us to go to dinner with him on Saturday and his Aunt called to ask us to dinner on Sunday. Sunday shouldn't be too hard, she is making spaghetti. I can handle that, I know the points and such. Saturday is my wild card. I've asked Chad to try and get his dad to go somewhere other than the Golden Corral this time. I can eat at Chili's! I know the points values there, or even Applebees! They put the points values right on their menu! I don't know, I will deal with whatever comes my way. I just want to be really successful on Sunday this week.

Oh, and its raining again in Baltimore.

Today:
Sushi: 20 pts
1 Arnolds Sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 small light latte: 2
Lachoy Chicken chow mein: 3
1 serving brown rice: 4
1/2 bag frozen peppers: 0
2 chicken wings: 6
1 pizza bagel: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 72

Today was another good day. I finished my points out despite running a lot today, and I made it back to the gym again! I only have 120 more minutes to goal, and one more circuit day left. The lat pull down machine was really hard. I did that machine 3rd and the rest of the machines that I used my arms for were also harder. Argh. Eventually the lat machine will get easier, and it will be so worth all of the exhaustion! Today the cardio was hard too. The last half hour was a fight down to the last second. I'll admit I felt a little unfocused, but I finished. My food choices were not so bad today either.

I have lofty hopes for Sunday...I'd like to make it to 10% which would put me at 376.8. That is a 5lb loss, and I know its high, but I want the positive reinforcement. Even if I don't make it I know I have done well this week so far. I'll be proud of just hitting my goals for the week.

Today:
1 Arnold sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
4 oz chicken breast: 4
1 bag frozen veggies: 3
1 serving light honey mustard: 1
1/2 yogurt: 1
1 arnold sandwich thin: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 apple: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
4 oz chicken breast: 4
1 large serving steamed broccoli: 0
1/2 cup stuffing: 3
1/2 serving light honey mustard: 1
1 bag popcorn: 5
1/2 cup stuffing: 3
1 serving cheese: 2
broccoli: 0
1/2 cup eggnog: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 ww chocolate muffin: 3
Total for the Day: 44/44

Hopefully I'll lose a point sometime soon!

Day 71

Today was another step in the right direction because I met my goals again. I went to the gym and got my 2.46 miles in. Another 60 minutes down. Today was cardio only, tomorrow is a circuit day. I stuck to my points even though I had lunch out with friends, and I got some sun!

Today my friend Ashley did something very touching for me. She made me a paperclip chain with 36 paper clips, one for each pound lost so far. WW users sometimes talk about them, and my meeting leader has mentioned them once, but no one has really talked in depth about them yet. I have one now and its very motivating to see the chain, and know that I get to add to it physically each week. Something tangible. I have 216 more pounds to go so its going to be HUGE. I'll wrap it around the Christmas tree or something eventually.

This is a quick post tonight because I want to go to bed early for once!

Today:
1 bowl size serving of chicken enchilada soup: 10
1/4 of 1/2 (oh the confusion!) serving loaded fries: 7
6 tortilla chips: 3
3 cups mixed lettuce: 0
1/4th cup diced tomato: 0
1/4th cup shredded carrots: 0
1 tbsp light ranch: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1/2 cup light eggnog: 3
1/2 cup skim milk: 1
1 ww mini bar: 1
1 yogurt: 2
1 serving spaghetti: 4
1 serving sauce w/:
1 serving carrots
1 serving peppers
1/2 serving mushrooms: 1
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving sauce w/ veggies included: 1
1/8th cup cheese: 1
1 frozen egg roll: 3
1 serving light honey mustard dressing: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44

Good night!

Day 70

I did it! Day one down. I went to the gym, I did an hour of cardio (2.46 miles), and I completed my circuit (I even asked the trainer to show me a new machine). I did not use any extra points today either. The sunlight thing didn't go so well. Our schedule is bad for it to begin with, we don't even wake up until noon every day. I ended up distracted and when I looked up the afternoon sun was gone. Tomorrow is another day and it is still my goal to get some more sun this week before it starts raining again on Thursday.

I tried to quiet my mind down a bit before going into the gym, and I was unsuccessful. I was the last person into the gym though. I just needed a moment to myself to get my head where it needed to be. I was preparing myself to meet a set goal, and steeling my resolve. In the gym while I was doing my 2nd half hour on the treadmill I started to think about the journey and my progress so far. I know that I have so far to go, but I feel like I have come so far. The difference in the way I feel is so distinct. When I look in the mirror I can not see the difference that everyone else can, I just cant. However, when I'm walking and I realize that after 30 minutes I'm not winded, or gasping for air and coming up with excuses for why I can just stop now because 10 minutes was good enough it hits me. I'm different and I'm changing. My body is responding and I'm actually losing weight. It hit me tonight when I got into my Mothers car and put on my seat belt with no struggle at all. I'm embarrassed when I go to the gym in a bra that doesn't fit me, but I remember then too. It doesn't fit me because I have lost inches off of my under bust, and bust. Inches that several months ago I was convinced would never be lost. This is hard to share but my walk is different too. I realized tonight at the gym, why my toe was hurting. I might have cried a little over this. It (the toe) may be sprained, but I'm starting to walk on the actual bottom of my left foot. I know that sounds strange but I've noticed that I put a lot of my weight on the outside of my left foot, and now, I'm starting to walk correctly. Not with every foot fall, but maybe 1 in every 5 or 6. There is just so much, and its so overwhelming. Its happy, and its beautiful, and desperate, honest and ugly all at the same time. Its slow going, and cautious. Its smooth sailing and then suddenly there are potholes and construction going on. Despite never wanting to come back to this place (417.8lbs), I have a feeling I will be revisiting these roads in my memories for years to come. I know I have said it before but this is the single most difficult task I have ever faced. I'm grappling with my weight and myself. It can be an exhausting and exhilarating battle. I feel like I'm untangling myself from my little fortress.

Today:
1 banana: 2
1 ww frozen meal: 5
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 veggie burger: 2
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1 serving ranch rice cakes: 2
1/2 cup light egg nog (ohhhh the craving): 3
1 serving ww orange chicken: 5
1/2 cup brown rice: 2
1 serving steamed broccoli: 0
1 bagel: 2
1/4th cup pizza sauce: 1
1/4th cup cheese: 2
Extra serving orange chicken: 6
1 cup rice: 5
Total for the Day: 44/44

Day 69

Alrighty, I lost 3.4lbs this week. That brings my total to 36lbs. 5 more lbs and I will have hit my 10% mark! I will take progress photos at 40lbs lost. My husband has 8 more lbs to go until he hits goal. He is grumpy over losing another point. Good thing he's cute when he's grumpy...

Today was pretty okay. I used some of my extra points on popcorn at the theatre and a snack when I came home. It was on purpose and I don't feel bad about it. I am planning to step it up though for the rest of the week. I'm feeling better (though it might just be that it didn't rain today for the first time in almost a week! I can not stress this enough.) so I'm going to set goals for the rest of this week.

1st goal: 5 days of the gym, Monday - Friday.
2nd goal: 300 minutes of cardio, no excuses. That's an hour a day on the treadmill or other cardio activity.
3rd goal: 3 days of strength training, 3 to 4 sets on each machine. (Yeah, I'll take it easy, there are a few machines I simply can not do 4 sets on, and I wont hurt myself.)
4th goal: Sunlight. At least an hour a day, weather permitting. Even if its just sitting on the front porch reading, or getting some of my cardio in outside the gym. If the dreary weather really did dial me to zero I should keep abreast of that.
5th goal: Budget and not have to use any extra points this week.
6th goal: Actually post the things that I have learned this week. I haven't done that in a while and its way too easy to lose sight of what you have accomplished when you don't take the time to acknowledge it.

I'm not punishing myself. These are all things I have done in the last 69 days, but I have fallen away from them, and recently have felt like I was just towing the line. I want to push myself. I want my efforts to accurately reflect my commitment to this journey. There will be weeks where I cant keep this kind of a time commitment (the gym) going, but I will give it my best. I'm not starting over either, I don't need to, and I said I wouldn't. I'm just adding a little bit of momentum and "oomph" to the parade. It's time to brush off the confetti and continue marching.

Today:
1 egg: 1
1 slice turkey bacon: 1
1 slice cheese: 1
6 oz potatoes O'Brien: 2
1 bagel: 2
Sushi: 12
4 pan fried dumplings: 7
3 small pieces sesame chicken: 4
2 bites salmon (it was awful): 1
6 red grapes: 0
1 slice cantaloupe: 1
3 small tastes of brother's dessert plate: 2
1/2 small crab cake: 1
1 spring roll: 4
1 ww mini bar: 1
popcorn at the movies sans butter: 8
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
Total for the Day: 44/44 & 8/30
Leftover: 22/35

Day 68

New goal: I want to be fit enough to ride this bike! I saw it today and fell in love with it. It is an adult bike, and its pink. I am a very pink person. I used to bike ride all of the time, but as I got older and heavier I stopped. I haven't ridden a bike in almost 8 years. I want to be fit enough to bike ride with my husband.

I am awake way too late tonight. We were putting up Christmas lights. I know, everyone gets so angry when people put lights up too early, but you know what? It really cheers me up every year, and with my being so tired all week, and it having been raining since Monday here, I needed that.

I walked around all day today, and I'm so proud because I didn't need to sit down repeatedly. Last year when grocery and Christmas shopping I'd need long breaks and I would spend so much money on food at the mall, sometimes as an excuse to take a break. I would get hot and start to sweat and my feet and my back would hurt and I'd be so out of breath so easy. Today was not like that. I still get hot, I don't know if that will ever change. Sometimes I run a fan in the winter, and I never run the heat unless someone else needs it. I get hot so easily. I did hurt a little, but it wasn't that back breaking "sit down now or cry" hurt. It was a reminder that I had been on my feet for a little over 3 hours and should probably take a break. Something I am even more proud of is the fact that I did not eat out today. Not that eating out is bad, but on days like this I do tend to lose a little control to the mayhem, but I held it and managed to stick to my rules.

Last week started out okay and ended rocky, this week was good I think. Tomorrow is my weigh in and honestly I don't feel so bad about it. I feel like I have been on plan, and working hard. I feel more comfortable with the plan now too. This is a good thing because I don't spend as much time agonizing over every bite I take. I don't want to get too comfortable though and lose my focus and stop counting the bites.

Today:
1 arnolds sandwich thin: 1
1/2 serving nutella: 2
1 serving jam: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
1 serving cheddar rice cakes: 2
1 ww lemon cake: 1
1 ww frozen meal: 4
1 serving stuffing (test run from a friend for Turkey Day): 11
spinach: 0
2 green pepper rings: 0
1 serving pickles: 0
1/8th cup jalapenos: 0
1/2 hard boiled egg: 1
1/8th cup chick peas: 1
3 tbsp ranch: 3
1 serving salad topper: 1
1 small bite (ben and jerry's) ice cream: 2
1 serving shredded cheddar: 1
1 can soup: 5
1 slice cheese: 1
Total for the Day: 43/44
Leftover: 1

Weigh in is in 4 hours! Wish me luck!